advice sought on carpooling

[colleency]

Sorry this is so long.

I commute almost 100 miles per day, roundtrip, and I have been doing so for 5 years.

I used to carpool with someone.

However, I did all the driving, because she had caused an accident on the freeway, and I was afraid to be a passenger with her.

One week, I would drive to her house, pick her up and drive to work. The next week, she would drive to my house, then I would drive her car to work. The drive to work takes about 1 hour. The drive home takes between 1 hour and 1:15. She generally slept on the way home. We would get to the first house at 6:15.

We also sit one cubicle wall apart, and we have many of the same friends outside of work. After years of seeing so much of each other, I was getting really stressed out just by seeing her so much, as well as traveling during high-traffic times. And it was taking me maybe 45 minutes once I got home to destress enough to make dinner.

About a month ago, I told her I didn't want to drive to her house to pick her up anymore. 12 minutes extra (time to her house) doesn't seem like much, but it adds almost 1/2 hour total to my commute.

She said that if she has to drive the 12 miles extra per day (we live 6 miles apart), she doesn't want me to drive her car to work anymore. She'll just pay me for gas. So she wants to put 12 miles per day on her car and drive for 22 minutes, and I have to put 100, and I drive 2:15 per day.

For the past month, we haven't been carpooling, because I've been on a big project and working late a lot. I leave for work later, so my commute is only 45 minutes, and I go home later, so my commute is 1 hour or 45 minutes if I leave really late. Since there's hardly any traffic, and I'm by myself, I don't seem really stressed from the drive when I get home.

But I feel bad about the environment and tmc (too many cars). And gas is expensive.

Public transportation is not an option. It would take 2 1/2 hours each way, and I couldn't afford the train ticket.

My question is (finally) should I:

A) Carpool. Eat the extra 1/2 hour and switch off cars. Wear and tear on the car isn't worth it.

B) Carpool. Charge the passenger gas plus wear and tear on the car.

C) Don't carpool. The wear and tear on your body isn't worth it. And maybe it will keep your friendship intact.

D) Other.

[tbb113]

Colleen: I feel for you. I did a similiar carpool in college (no where near the distance) and I drove to the other person's house because it didn't make sense for him to go the 'wrong' way to pick me up. Since I don't think you driving all the time in your car is right (unless she is willing to pay the going IRS reimbursement rate which is like 38 cents a mile) you only have three choices.
1. Suck it up and pick her up.
2. Drive by yourself and enjoy the private time
3. Try and find someone else on the way to work to carpool with.

[Clover]

You rent your house, right? Is this a possibility?
D) other--Move closer to your job.
If not, it's a toughie. Even if you share costs and wear and tear on the car, the driving is stressful, and you're doing all the work. It's not an equal arrangement. Even if you don't drive to her house to pick her up, she's still getting a great deal. Coming to your house is the least she can do. Too bad she's not asking me, huh? I might go with C. But I really like D.

[colleency]

I can't really move closer for two reasons. DH works the same driving time (less distance, more traffic) in the opposite direction. And I can't afford the rent on a house anyplace else. I'm getting a really good deal.

I guess there's E) quit your job and work closer to home. :D

[ChristineVA]

In your case, I would pick "C". No matter what the arrangement, she is coming out ahead. Carpools should always be equal unless you WANT to do someone a favor. Stress is a biggie. If you can afford it, go it alone.

[hollysmom]

Can you shift your hours to avoid traffic time? Since you have been working late, how about coming in later to miss some of the traffic?

When I worked, I arrived at 7AM and left at 4PM - DB (boss) didn't care as long as I was there for the important morning meetings. Of course, this guy also let me work at home when Scott was flying too.

SSM

[Kerri]

What about if you do some sort of in-between compromise, like only carpooling every other week? You can tell her you just need the extra flexibility twice a month to work on other projects and be a little more independent. If you find after a trial period you really look forward to your off weeks, or you find you don't mind carpooling with her after some sort of a break, you can always change it later.

Otherwise, I'd pick C. You seem really stressed!

[Wendy w]

I hear you and feel your pain. To carpool or not to carpool, is a difficult question as it has both pros and cons. In CA, any employer with more than 100 employees is required to have a program. The university that I work for charges everyone for parking every month, unless you ride the bus (our system stinks), walk, or are dropped off. Regular commuter parking is $33/month, preferred (closer to the bldg. and you can get a spot if you come in later) is $49. Carpoolers split a special permit of $16.00/month. They keep saying that they are among the lowest priced in our system. :rolleyes:

When I moved to my neighborhood, one of my coworkers who happens to be a friend, and I discussed the possibility of taking turns driving. When she and I worked the same hours, we would pass each other in the morning, or walk to the parking lot together only to head in the same direction.

I would have gone to her place as she is a few miles closer. The clincher with the carpooling is that you are required to carpool 3 x's a week, but they only give you 2 passes per month. Parking is at a premium where I work and they are always eliminating it for more buildings. At a meeting several months ago, several of us asked the former parking director (now an asst. dean and who was known as the "parking nazi" for his inflexible ways) why there wasn't a "happy medium" where they charge more than $16.00 but less than $33.00 for people who would happily carpool for 3 days and drive themselves the other 2? My friend and I like to do errands on our way home to free up our weekends. He said that it was a great deal and out of the question. So...now I come in earlier and we don't carpool.

I like Kerri's suggestion where you carpool every other week. Good luck with whatever you

[Gail]

I'm a great believer in sanity preservation. She's stressing you. If you keep on this way you may develop nervous twitches and severe acne. Who needs this?

I'd either forget the carpooling, or cut back to every other week.

...then you'll only twitch occasionally. ;)

[muriel3002]

I'd also cast my vote for driving by yourself and forgetting the carpool. I probably would have quit the carpool when she caused the accident, though. You're doing all the driving anyway, regardless of whether you are driving her car or not. The toll on you just from the stress of all this is going to wear you down.

[HejazSunKat]

Originally posted by Gail
I'm a great believer in sanity preservation. She's stressing you.

Who needs this?

Yup, my thought too as I was reading the thread. Sounds like if you continue car pooling with her, no matter what compromise you reach with regard to who's going to do what, you've come to the end of your tether with her. If you continue to carpool with her I think your relationship will only deteriorate further and since you work so closely together that wouldn't be good. I'd go it alone for awhile.

[cminmd]

I would tell her that if she wants to carpool with you she needs to be at your house by (whatever) o'clock, pay for half the gas and an extra 30 bucks a month for wear and tear on your car. If she says no then, bummer- go it alone. When your the driver- you have the control!
Carpooling has its advantages so I wouldn't dump it unless she is unwilling to work. This way you have a shot of getting part of your gas paid for because without carpooling you will still be putting full driving stress on yourself, full wear and tear on your car and paying for the gas by yourself. Not a cheap expense at current 2 bucks a gallon!
The reason I think this carpool is salvagable is that she's a sleeper. It will be hard finding someone to carpool with that doesn't feel obligated to chat the whole ride home. An hour of meaningless chat a day will completely up your stress!
When I carpooled with a friend of mine I always drove because she had a tiny, cute, but not so dependable Carmegia. She would sleep in the BACKSEAT! I felt like I was commuting alone- it was great. I listened to books on tape, or NPR or music. I had the benefit of calm isolation combined with the use of HOV lanes! Best of both worlds!

[colleency]

Thanks for helping me sort through this. I'm sure some of the stress I'm under right now is just from working so much on this project at work. The carpoolee and I are pretty good friends. I think I might ask for the wear and tear money and cut down the carpooling to x number of days a week or every other week.

[mbrogier]

I have friends that I love to have over for dinner, go for short shopping trips, etc. If you asked me to carpool with them 3 times a week, I'd rather have my arms and legs sawn off with a pocket knife.

There is lots of different stress from work and projects, but carpooling in heavy traffic is a huge stress. Even if the person is a good friend, there is such a thing as too much time with the friend. I wouldn't sacrifice my sanity.

If she won't meet you half way by coming to your house and paying you gas money, forget it. Friend or not, she's taking advantage.