If you had a fussy, high-maintenance baby,

[Blissful_in_TX]

Lay it to me straight…does it ever get better?

I have a 6-month-old son, who I love dearly of course, but it has been soooo hard. The first 3 months he had colic, which was just awful. But thankfully that ended before DH and I had to resort to our suicide pact. ;) The next 2 months (not much unlike the previous three), he hardly slept. I would frequently go a week without getting 2 consecutive hours of sleep, or I’d often only get 3 hours of sleep a night. Now he’s sleeping most of the night (chorus of angels), but he is so fussy! No amount of entertaining or rocking or singing songs or going on walks can keep him happy. I’d like to think that he’s teething or going through a growth spurt, but this is just how he’s always been! Sometimes he giggles and laughs and plays the part of happy baby, but mostly he’s just fussy, fussy, fussy! (Anything medical has been ruled out.)

I know he’s more high maintenance than most, so for babies like this, does it get better? Or worse? At this point I’m afraid to have another one!

[donleyk]

(((Blissful))) Can't help ya, just thought I'd send a hug your way. :(

[MrsReber]

My son started out like yours. My boy loves his mommy. At 2, he still prefers mommy over anyone, but he is not as attached to my side as he once was.

Here's an interesting tidbit, though. He goes to daycare 3 days a week. While he's there, he doesn't cry AT ALL. Not a peep, not a whine out of him. They know he's sick when he cries because, they tell me, he NEVER cries. I went to pick him up last night from daycare. He started whining at me about how he wanted to put his hat on. Bear in mind, I don't let him indulge in these fits, he just thinks he can get away with it when mom is around. The daycare teacher heard him whine and said "this is a side of him I've never seen!" I don't know how to fix this. He's not a bad kid, just very clingy with me. He inevitably ends up sleeping next to me at night or else I'd never get any sleep. I had every intention of making him sleep in his own bed (and he did for the entire first 18 months of his life!) Then it all went downhill. I let him sleep near me because he'll cry for hours on end and I won't get any sleep if I don't. Very rarely, I have gotten him to sleep in other places for an entire night. He did have recurring ear infections and wound up with tubes. It was during that time that he refused to ever sleep in his crib again.

Well, that being said, I do love my little man more than anything. His sister is older and was pretty easy compared to my first few months with DS (no sleep and I couldn't put him down or he'd cry forever).

Take heart. Sounds like he just loves being with mommy. How does he react when he's with other people? Nobody could hold my son for the longest time because he'd complain if anyone took him away from me. It will get better, though! Really!

[RunnerKim]

Blissful - a friend from my playgroup had a *highly* colicky and fussy baby like yours. Again nothing medically wrong. She ate a fairly strict diet that helped some (she was breastfeeding). She even tried soy formula at one point but it didn't make any difference. The swing was the only place he would sleep for a long long time. I don't know if this is good news or not but it was around a year that he grew out of it, but he has indeed grown out of it.

Kim

[sandee]

Originally posted by MrsReber
My son started out like yours. My boy loves his mommy. At 2, he still prefers mommy over anyone, but he is not as attached to my side as he once was.

Here's an interesting tidbit, though. He goes to daycare 3 days a week. While he's there, he doesn't cry AT ALL. Not a peep, not a whine out of him. They know he's sick when he cries because, they tell me, he NEVER cries. I went to pick him up last night from daycare. He started whining at me about how he wanted to put his hat on. Bear in mind, I don't let him indulge in these fits, he just thinks he can get away with it when mom is around. The daycare teacher heard him whine and said "this is a side of him I've never seen!" I don't know how to fix this. He's not a bad kid, just very clingy with me. He inevitably ends up sleeping next to me at night or else I'd never get any sleep. I had every intention of making him sleep in his own bed (and he did for the entire first 18 months of his life!) Then it all went downhill. I let him sleep near me because he'll cry for hours on end and I won't get any sleep if I don't. Very rarely, I have gotten him to sleep in other places for an entire night. He did have recurring ear infections and wound up with tubes. It was during that time that he refused to ever sleep in his crib again.


That sounds exactly like my nephew. My SIL has for 2 years been strapped to her son because he has been a clingy fussy baby. However, they left him alone with DH and I to babysit for the first time over the summer and he was fine. She's thrilled now that she can leave him with us since she's pretty much been unable to have a life away from him since he was born 2 yrs ago. Now I don't have any kids, so I'm curious, my SIL refuses to let him "cry it out". She did the same with her daughter who turned out fine. But if you have a fussy baby/toddler would letting him cry it out help at all? She runs to him as soon as he starts crying- and he won't accept anyone else.

As I say, I'm not a parent yet so I'm not judging, just wondering.

[Beth]

Yes, it always gets better if you can stick with it.

I had two, and the first was extremely needy and fussy. A number of people told me they could tell that he was going to be very bright from the day he was born, starting with a couple of nurses at the hospital. He always wanted more time, attention and entertainment -- even after 4 months of colic, dairy sensitivity and soy formula. It really helped when he got to that 6 month or so age where he could sit up and start interacting with things, and then more with each landmark development. The more he became a real person, the happier he became. Some of the same with my younger one, but different variations. Neither would nap more than a few minutes a day, so I was exhausted and ready to go back to work, but it does pass.

Try to find things that he can do -- it's hard until they can sit up and start interacting with things, but anything that will sit in front of him, reading to him (yes, even at this age -- they start looking at the pictures and hearing your voice read), play music -- mine liked to sit n my hip while I watered the garden. Hope you find some special things to start giving you some breaks, but have confidence it will get better. You may have a frustrated little mind anxious to be bigger and more able. Hang in there.

[Jen]

I can imagine how frustrated you must be! Especially since after you have a baby, everyone expects you to be on cloud 9 about how wonderful he/she is, and sometimes you just don't feel that way!

Sandee (BTW, another Vancouver poster! Whereabouts are you located?), I used to think that too until I had my baby and realized I could NEVER let her cry it out. It's a very personal thing, and I know it works really well for lots of people. The health nurses here don't recommend it anymore, even for fussy babies, because they feel it can cause attachment issues. Their stance these days (of course, it changes all the time!) is that in the early stages (even up to a year), babies need to know that you are there for them, and letting them cry may make them even more fearful and fussy because they no longer trust you will come when they need you. (Not that you won't...but they know it isn't necessarily a given).

This isn't meant as an indictment of anyone who decided to cry it out - I know it's very personal and everyone has to do what's right for them and their baby (and no one knows what's right for their own family as well as mom, dad, and baby do).

[claire797]

We've been there. For the first year, my daugher was either in my arms, a Baby Bjorn or sling all the time. She was not the kind of baby who would sit on a blanket and play with toys. Just finding 10 minutes to take a quick shower was a challenge and sleeping alone? Forget it! We didn't graduate to that until 6 months. As much as I loved (love!) my daughter, it was exhausting emotionally and physically (mostly due to lack of sleep).

She's still as spirited and outgoing as ever, but now that she can move around on her own it's much less draining. So hang in there! It does get better.

[MrsReber]

Originally posted by sandee


That sounds exactly like my nephew. My SIL has for 2 years been strapped to her son because he has been a clingy fussy baby. However, they left him alone with DH and I to babysit for the first time over the summer and he was fine. She's thrilled now that she can leave him with us since she's pretty much been unable to have a life away from him since he was born 2 yrs ago. Now I don't have any kids, so I'm curious, my SIL refuses to let him "cry it out". She did the same with her daughter who turned out fine. But if you have a fussy baby/toddler would letting him cry it out help at all? She runs to him as soon as he starts crying- and he won't accept anyone else.

As I say, I'm not a parent yet so I'm not judging, just wondering.

I couldn't go with crying it out, although DH used to tell me it was the way to go. I changed his thinking with all the articles that I found. Apparently, going to your child when he or she cries lets them know that you are there and that you will be there. The experts feel that this makes them more independent in the long run. They won't be afraid to leave your side because they know you are there and will come running when they need you. I have also read that it gives them much more confidence later on.

[beacooker]

My DS1 (almost 3 now) was a very fussy infant. Very much a mama's boy - never happy unless *I* was holding him, and even then, only happy if I was actually walking around with him. No sitting was allowed! For him, the change in his personality occurred when he learned to crawl, which thankfully happened around 6 1/2 months. Ever since then, he slowly got much happier and less fussy. Actually, as a toddler, he is probably the 'easiest' toddler I know. I very rarely have problems with tantrums or any of the other horrors ;) I see other moms having to deal with.

My DS2 is actually a very easy baby, so now I find myself thinking 'Oh! This is why people like babies!'. Most other people I know who had fussy first babies get blessed with easy second babies, in case you were already worrying about what baby #2 might be like for you!

So, yes, I think most likely your baby will grow out of this. Good luck and hang on until then!

[HeidiD]

My fussy baby is now 12 years old! He was my first and what a challenge he presented ... he just didn't seem to be happy with ANYTHING, and it was hard not to take that really personally as a new mom.

My pediatrician told me that "some babies just don't like being babies" and I think that was true in my son's case. He was much happier and easier to manage once he could communicate and move around under his own power. His first three-word sentence at 20 months old was: "Somethin' botherin' me!" We just laughed and laughed, it was so appropriate since there was always something wrong in his world.

One book that helped me a lot was Mary Sheedy Kurcinka's Raising Your Spirited Child. The book offers descriptions of various forms of "spiritedness" to help you identify your child's hot buttons (mine had/has the charming combination of being very highly tuned into his environment coupled with a below-zero tolerance for frustration) and strategies to deal with these quirks. My son, for example, was much happier when I dressed in him 100% cotton clothing with all tags cut out, kept him out of noisy/bright places, and only let him try things a few times before moving him away to something else (if he couldn't accomplish a task quickly/perfectly, he'd escalate into a tantrum).

I have to say that he is still sharp as a tack with the hearing of a dog, but has mellowed about lights and noise and clothing. He continues to be quite particular and argumentative when he thinks he's right (ie, most of the time!), but in general is an excellent student with nice friends and good interests.

My second child was not mellow either, but has a very different personality with its own challenges ... she is TOO persistent! I will never experience the pleasure of a baby who sleeps too long or goes along with anything, but I like to think I've developed an empathy for moms of "challenging" children that I would not have had otherwise.

Hang in there with your little guy -- you are not the only one who has traveled this road, even though it may feel like it!

[Blissful_in_TX]

Originally posted by RunnerKim
The swing was the only place he would sleep for a long long time. I don't know if this is good news or not but it was around a year that he grew out of it, but he has indeed grown out of it.


That is exactly like my little guy! He spent the majority of the first 5 months sleeping in his swing (the rest of the time he would only sleep if I was holding him). I started getting concerned with him sleeping in the swing b/c he was getting bigger and would sometimes lean over the side, and I was afraid he’d fall out. Not long ago we broke down and bought an expensive baby hammock. He’s doing well in it, but I doubt we’ll ever get him to sleep in his crib.

sandee –
We did try to let him cry it out once when we were trying to get him to sleep in his crib. He cried for 2 1/2 hours before we decided that wasn’t working! But I do know it works for a lot of other babies in the sleep department.

[Blissful_in_TX]

So many of these things are hitting home! I spent the first few months carrying him around most of the day in my sling (he’s getting a little heavy now), and like Anne....no sitting allowed!

MrsReber - I’m not sure if he’s just like that around me or not. The only other person he’s around is DH, and that’s kind of hit or miss. We’re visiting my mom this next week, so I’ll see how that goes.


I really hope that he is happier when he’s crawling and communicating like some of y’alls babies. (We’ve already been working on baby sign language.) I do think he’s pretty bright and alert as far as babies go, so hopefully he’s just waiting to grow up some.

Heidi – Thanks for the book recommendation!

[sandee]

thanks everyone for answering regarding the crying out. Both my MIL and mom are old school, so I hear a lot of "if she'd just let that baby alone for a while she wouldn't have so many problems." :rolleyes:

Anyways, its interesting to read about all your experiences, since i'm lurking on the TTC and Toddler threads, but I'm not quite there personally.

Jen, I live on the North Shore, but we've bought a condo in Yaletown so we'll be moving there in a couple months when it's finished. Whereabouts are you?

[clairea]

((((Blissful))). You will get through this, and you should be very proud of doing so. My DS was an extremely high-maintenance baby (SIL is a pediatrician and says she has yet to see one as bad as him!), but it has definitely gotten easier with age. He is still an intense kid, but it becomes much easier to manage as they get older, and I think especially as they are able to communicate. Also, as he got older it was easier to see the positive sides of this "intense" personality instead of just the negatives. I always describe it to people as all his emotions just being more intense than a lot of other kids -- not just the frustration, anger and sadness, but also the love, joy, and happiness. And, FWIW, I did go on to have another and she is the easiest, most mellow kid I have ever seen.

I second the recommendation for Raising your Spirited Child. It has helped DH and I immensely with DS and to some extent with DD, and I have also found it to be very helpful in dealing with some of the kids in my preschool class. There is also a very good book by Dr. Sears -- Raising your Fussy Baby and High-Needs Child (I think that is the title). I am not a huge Dr. Sears fan, but I did find this book very helpful when I was dealing with DS as a baby. Finding other moms to talk to who are going (or have gone through) the same thing might also help a lot. I found it very isolating to have such a fussy baby. Times with other new moms were not a lot of fun when all their babies were peaceful and mine was screaming his head off no matter what I did.

Good luck, and come back here when you need to vent!

Claire

[HeidiD]

Originally posted by clairea
Finding other moms to talk to who are going (or have gone through) the same thing might also help a lot. I found it very isolating to have such a fussy baby. Times with other new moms were not a lot of fun when all their babies were peaceful and mine was screaming his head off no matter what I did.


Several moms in my prenatal class started a playgroup when our babies were born and I felt like such an alien among them. They would sit and discuss "problems" like what if your baby is napping too long during the day (mine was would cat-nap for 10 minutes at a time if I was lucky) and is it okay to leave your baby laying on a blanket for an hour if she's content to just look around (mine demanded movement and would never just quietly lay anywhere). They were getting meals made and dishes done and exercising and going to the mall and I felt like I was held hostage by my 8-pound infant. I wish I could have met someone having the same experience. I finally did make some internet friends who could validate what I was going through,so that saved my sanity.

[Jen]

Sandee - we were on the North Shore for seven years, until last Fall, near Main Street and Mountain Highway. Now we are in Coquitlam (near Coquitlam Centre). The condo in Yaletown sounds fun!!

[Char Finamore]

I remember lots of tears (mine!) when my second daughter was a baby. She cried and fussed almost non stop for the first several months. My first baby was the most good natured baby imaginable, so I wasn't ready for all the fussing the second time around - especially since they were only 14 months apart. And not to mention my husband was working out of town all week and only home on weekends, and we were also trying to sell a house.......sometimes I wonder how I lived through it! But I did, and baby #2 developed into the most pleasant, low maintanance child - sometimes I wondered what I did to deserve her! My "easy" baby turned out to be my more difficult child later on. But they are almost 23 and 24 now and delightful young women. You might not think so now, but nothing lasts forever. It is true that the months and years fly by, even when the days sometimes drag on forever!

[ourthreegirls]

OOOOOHHHH something I know a little about! I had 2 of 'em:o (they're now 4 y.o. twin girls). And the way MrsReber described her son describes my girls to a T. They started out ok for a month or so, then just something clicked and they wanted NO ONE but me. Days were stressful, but nights were HORRENDOUS. My husband and I used to split them up at night - we would sleep on different floors of the house and the ONLY way they would sleep was in a vibrating bouncy seat. No one could hold them - not even grandma and grandpa. Going out somewhere was a nightmare too - any kind of overstimulation in public sent them into major crying jags. Fast forward to now, I'm told they are angels in preschool, but when people witness a meltdown about something, they can't believe that came out of one of them.
I will say the clinginess has REALLY subsided over the past 2 years, and the turning point was right around when they turned 2, I enrolled them in a "Mom's Day Out" program 1 day a week. They cried and cried for the first 3 weeks (but only at drop off - they were fine once I was out of sight)....after that, they didn't cry anymore at drop off. Now, picking up was a different story - as soon as they saw me they'd both start screaming because they both wanted me. Anyway, that "preschool" was the best thing I ever did for their clinginess and separation anxiety.
Moral of the long story....it really will get easier. The other thing that makes the crying fits slow down (somewhat!) is when they can TALK and tell you what the heck's bugging them.

Hang in there - I totally reached my stress capacity during those many sleepless nights....and lived to tell about it!
:p

Jennifer

[stacy7272]

Yup, my first was sssoo hard! I got about 4 hours of interrupted sleep a night for at least the first 6 weeks. Just this weekend my brother-in-law was over and asked me, "Do you remember how he cried for the first 6 months of his life?" Actually it was more like the first 13 months, until he started walking - that really helped. We didn't go to a restaurant for the first 15 months!! He is 4 now and much easier but still a challenge.

On the "crying-it-out" topic...only because the other option was throwing him against the wall, we did this when my son was 9-months old. It was the best thing we could have done. He hadn't slept in forever. Whenever he fell asleep and we put him in his crib he would wake up. So, we left him in there and checked on him every 5 minutes. Right when I went to walk in the 3rd time (15 minutes) he fell asleep. The next night it was the same, 15 minutes (checking every 5) and he fell asleep. We followed this proceedure if he woke in the middle of the night as well. The third night he was fine and didn't cry at all.

I do think all children are different and this may not work for all babies. I do recommend, if you are planning on doing this, to wait at least until he is 6-months, which it seems like is now. We did it with my daughter at 7-months and it worked well with her too. Also, only do it if you're ready to actually do it. Don't make it worse by only going through half-way and confusing your baby.

When it works it is great. I held back as long as I could even though DH wanted to do it but after it was done I realized it was the best thing for my son. Before, he would cry all night, after, he went to bed easy and slept through the night. Which is better?

[MrsReber]

Crying it out didn't work for us. I do hear that it works and the babies fall asleep. However, with our son, he would simply cry for literally hours. I wasn't getting any sleep so I gave up. We live in a ranch and the bedrooms are all together. Also, his crying would wake up my daughter and then they'd both be up crying.

It'll be interesting to see how your son reacts with your mother. I'd try going out somewhere and leaving the house for a while to see if there's any difference. I know it's hard. The last thing in the world any mom wants is to hear her child crying for long periods of time.