Need your opinions

[scudgal]

Hi - could use some advise about this situation. An old friend stayed with us over the holidays, and spent much of the time on my pc, visiting fan message boards for a popular singer she likes. She was constantly asking me to unlock my computer whenever she wanted to check in on her boards (I keep it locked for security reasons) even though I was quite busy with holiday food preparation. As background, she has had some hard times (lost her job then her home over a year ago, and had to relocate for work) and has had some emotional problems (depression, etc) over the years, and although she is my age (mid 50's), she seems to be preoccupied with celebrities much younger than she - and I've mentioned to her I don't think this is healthy. Anyway, what upset me is that before she left, without saying anything to me about it, she went into the settings on my computer and cleared my cache and history - I'm assuming so I wouldn't see what sites she went to (I discovered this after she left when I tried to go back in my History for a website I had visted Christmas eve). I emailed her telling her my history was gone and asked if she had deleted files or changed settings on my pc She emailed back to say that she had done this and apologized but it felt to me like she minimized what she did. I am feeling hurt and angry that she did this so composed the following email message to her in response -and wondered what your opinions are about my sending it to her:
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Did you really think it was appropriate to delete or change anything on my pc? Whatever your motive may have been (were you trying to remove evidence of your web activity?), I wish you hadn't. You are a dear friend and I love you a lot but it upsets me that you'd think it was ok to go into someone else's pc and change the settings. I will get over it, but I just need to tell you how I feel about it.

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OK - Cooking Light friends - what do you think? Am I overreacting? Should I let her know I'm hurt or let it go? Would you send this email? If you would, would you word it differently? Calling her doesn't feel like an option. She doesn't deal well with verbal confrontation and to be honest, it would be difficult for me to say this to her on the phone. We email back and forth a lot, so this feels like the best way to communicate to her what I am feeling.

Thanks to all of you in advance.

[Jazzmatazz49]

My computer is like my handbag...keep your mitts off unless you can be polite about it. So you're justified in my opinion. I have the opposite problem. My brother-in-law comes over to use my computer when he's in town and then my drop-down address box has all kinds of ultra-conservative websites, NASCAR websites, and other stuff that gets in my way! I guess I'll take that over clearing the history.

[HejazSunKat]

Originally posted by scudgal
Am I overreacting? Should I let her know I'm hurt or let it go? Would you send this email?

Are you over reacting? Hard to say. It probably wouldn't have been a big deal to me because I rarely use history and try to regularly clear the cache myself to keep my computer running more smoothly but you obviously feel that your personal boundaries were violated so that's a valid feeling. I'd be upset if the history had been left intact and I later found out a friend had been downloading porn on my computer or something. You've told your friend previously that you are concerned about her interest in young celebrities so, knowing of your disapproval, perhaps she was just embarrassed having you know what fan sites she was visiting. I personally would not send the e-mail. You wrote it and got it out of your system then came here and vented to try and get some clarity on things. I'd use this as a lesson learned for her next visit - don't let her use your computer if you're uncomfortable with her activities on it. Tell her that you have personal information on it so you don't allow anyone else use it. It's your house, you can set the rules and not have to apologize for it. If she needs computer access while she's visiting you point her to the nearest internet cafe.

[Gail]

Am just wondering why she felt the need to do what she did. I admit to going into my husband's and son's desktops and occasionally wiping out the cache and history. (I should add that I've told them I do this.) I do it for security reasons (I also run periodic scans) and I really hate all the stuff which is stored on the computer. I don't suppose there's even the most remote chance she's simply used to clearing the cache and history and did it out of habit?

I agree with Linda that I don't think I'd send the message. And if what your friend did bothers you (which obviously it did) perhaps it's a good idea to set ground rules beforehand if you allow someone else to use your computer.

[sharris315]

Since you know your friend has had issues over the years and may not be as secure as you are, I think I'd just forgo the e-mail to her. You should check out your computer for "invaders" and resolve not to allow anyone to have free access to it again. I don't see any advantage to be had by confronting her on this--no real harm done. Obviously, she's embarrassed by the celebrity sites she visited, especially since she knows how you feel. A friendship is more important.

Shar

[jmarie]

The email is really going to cause problems between the two of you even though you are justified. You have to decide what is more important and then go with it.

Maybe a :
"WHAT? I can't believe that you did this, I can't find the site that I need that I finally found on Christmas Eve. Promise me you'll never do that again!"

It doesn't sound so ...so...judgmental...more like an aggrivation because your site is gone out of your history. You have to decide this one.

Good luck...friends...you gotta love them but, oh how the P$%$ you off sometimes!

[ellielk]

Originally posted by scudgal
Did you really think it was appropriate to delete or change anything on my pc? Whatever your motive may have been (were you trying to remove evidence of your web activity?), I wish you hadn't. You are a dear friend and I love you a lot but it upsets me that you'd think it was ok to go into someone else's pc and change the settings. I will get over it, but I just need to tell you how I feel about it.

Maybe something not quite as confrontational will get your point across without so much rancor. How about:

I really wish you hadn't cleared my cache and history. There were some sites I wanted to return to and now I'm having trouble finding them. Please, in the future it would be a good idea to ask before deleting anything or changing settings on my computer.

In the future, just tell her (should she ever visit again) that you're not letting anyone outside the family use the computer because someone (you don't have to say it's her) once made some changes to some settings that caused some problems.

[scudgal]

I followed Ellie's advise and just asked my friend, in the future, to pls ask me before changing my settings. I think it just pushed my buttons because this is the second time she's visited us over the holidays (after not seeing her most of the year) and she's spent all of the time on my pc - glued to her fan sites. To make matters worse, it's not my personal pc, it's my work laptop - which she shouldn't even be using at all, let alone making any changes. And while I'm venting, I should also mention that I went to the trouble to make Christmas morning brunch the night before (wouldn't have done this just for DH and myself, would've just had cereal, since we had so much to do for Christmas dinner), and she said as it was baking in the oven, that she'd had this recipe before, and it was "OK" - then when I served it, she asked for ketchup to poor over it! So, as I'm sure you can tell, she got on my nerves big time! I love her dearly, but she can be a difficult house guest at times. She also gave me a present that I frankly hated! After I had told her exactly what I wanted (a gift certificate for a specific store I like - we always spend a set amount of money on each other). Then she went out and got me a clock that has no numbers and says "Whatever" on it. I'm not sure why she thought I'd like it - it's not my taste and I don't need a clock!

OK - I apologize for the long vent - just needed to get it out and better to share with you guys then tell her and ruin a longstanding friendship. I feel better now! Thanks to all of you who took the time to comment. I appreciate all of your thoughts and you helped me to get this in perspective and not send a nasty message to a good friend.

[DmOrtega]

Originally posted by scudgal
I followed Ellie's advise and just asked my friend, in the future, to pls ask me before changing my settings. ... To make matters worse, it's not my personal pc, it's my work laptop - which she shouldn't even be using at all, let alone making any changes.
...

If you have XP on your laptop, you can easily reset the settings. I don't know if your history will be recovered or not. Give it a try.

[ellielk]

I don't know if I would have drafted such a tactful response if you had included all that other information. :D