OT: Grrr, unsolicited advice from coworker!!!!

[makedah]

Just wanted to vent.

I have a coworker who, every once in a while decides that she needs to convert me on an issue. Last year or so, it was my hair (I was washing it too often, I needed to get rid of my stylist, I was using the wrong products), this time its my diet/eating habits. She's sold on low-carbing (don't want to dredge up that argument here!) and I am not. BTW: I am much smaller than she is; she is sedentary and I run; I bring a healthy (and yummy!) lunch to school each day, she grabs a McBurger. She believes all these old wives' tales and infomercial-type claims about stuff and refuses to see things any other way. Today, she even told me that the joint pain I'd been experiencing was because I eat too many carbs. Whaaa?

I never asked her for advice on my hair or my eating habits. My strategy so far has been to humor her and just nod and smile. If I voice the slightest misgivings, she gets more adamant in her claims. If I politely disagree, she gets argumentative. We almost got into a shouting match one day in the hall about dandruff. http://www.cookinglight.com/bbs/eek.gif I like her as a person and she is nice to chat with, but her latest effort to 'sell' me on something has really gotten my back up. Anyone ever been in this situation?

[LGBurns]

oh boy. Have I ever. Your nod and smile policy is the best solution IMO. People like this are not interested in counter-arguments. I don't think they really even realize they are foisting their opinions on another person--I really believe they think they're helping. Good luck.

[Chef Cindy]

makdah, I have worked with people who behave like you have discribed. I have learned digging deeper, that they are very unhappy people and have the need to feel right no matter what. Chances are she has something very painful happening in her life right now and maybe this is her way of coping. Sounds like you are taking it well with a bit of humor. Take the high road. You never know what a person's story is. Hang in there. These things have a way of working themselves out and you'll be glad you didn't make a big deal out of it. Take care.

[Cathy]

It sounds like to me that she has a real need to control someone & has to confront you so she can feed this need. She is probably doing this subconsciously to gain energy from you as well. Do you feel drained after a confrontation and does she feel better usually? If so, she has succeeded. Maybe she has something going on in her life that is making her feel unworthy or not in control of whatever her situation is outside the office. Without being judgmental or nasty, you might try to firmly tell her you will not allow her to do this to you anymore. That you would like to remain friends but this has to stop. It's okay to not let people run over you. Good luck to you and good luck to her to find her happiness.

[jmarie]

Maybe your grinning and nodding is not enough. Maybe you should just smile and say.."This is one area where we are just going to have to agree to disagree." Or just immediately change the subject..like "Do you know what the temperature outside is?" you don't have to be mean spirited to do any of this...and it gets the message across that the subject is not open for discussion. Hope this in some small way helps. It has worked for me!
jmarie

[Laura]

I used to have a secretary who would say things to me like "You are so lucky you are not a size 2 like me, my hips (stomach, waist etc.) are too small to wear an outfit like that!" I passed her on to my partner. Worked out much better for both of us http://www.cookinglight.com/bbs/wink.gif

[laughsandlaughs]

My advice is simply not to discuss personal things with her. Don't tell her about your joint pain, diet, hair products. Talk about something external to you....I don't know where you work, but talk about things going on at work, politics, etc. It may be easier to take her opinions if they aren't directed at you. I think nodding, etc, might make you feel defeated, but stating your opinion if it HAS to come up and then changing the subject to something not related to you....

Example: "I am really enjoying this pasta, but I've been meaning to ask you...what do you think about Mark's proposal he gave this morning?"

Deflecting the conversation from you to something else without being a pushover is my advice.

Goodluck!

[Beth]

Whether she's truly trying to be helpful or trying to fill a need for approval or validation, as someonw said above, a smile and a nod may not be enough. Sounds like trying to politely disagree would be good, but if it just turns her up a notch and leads to more, you could try acknowledging her without endorsing, ecouraging or adoptin her ideas.

Maybe just say, "Well, that's something else to consider," "that's a possibility" or "I hadn't thought of it that way." and drop it.....move on to another topic or to the work in front of you, let her know something else is needing your attention.

[emilycat]

I must say that I'm in complete admiration of all of you who are able to hold your tongues — as hard as I try, when someone persistently pushes the same nagging, teasing or idea-influencing on me, my irritation just seems to seep through. I suppose I'm a little transparent. Even if I try to feign tolerance, the emotions just write themselves on my face. But on a positive note, at least I have that lovely quality of honesty http://www.cookinglight.com/bbs/biggrin.gif

[makedah]

Thanks for the responses/tips.

Just to be clear, I don't strike up conversations with her about my hair/eating habits. She just starts in on me (for instance, she's never asked me what I eat and has only seen me heat up my lunch about twice), and sometimes starts lecturing me about stuff I haven't said a word to her about, like condoms. But I will definitely be more vigilant against discussing anything about myself with her (what a wacky thing to have to do).

I think there is some truth to the idea that she is unhappy. One day, she was railing against a coworker for having a baby with another coworker she was living with and not married to. I KNEW that this was all about the fact that SHE desparately wants to be married and have a kid soon (she's 36). I've been losing weight, and it's starting to get noticeable, so I think contributes to why she jumped on me about my eating again (she did this before, 2 years ago). (She also made a snide comment about how exercise doesn't work.) A friend of mine suggested that it may make her feel better to take credit for my weight loss if I follow her method.

Anyway, thanks again for your advice. I will try to alter my "smile and nod" response because I do think it encourages her.

[Beth]

Good luck dealing with her. Unhappy people can be very difficult to deal with, especially if you have to be around them (I have a neighbor who is unhappy and paranoid). Sounds like what she really needs is the courage and strength to figure out what will work FOR HER and to get on with life so she can have a chance of finding someone to have a family with. Would you give 5 cents for the kind of marriage she could have now? Maybe you can quietly set a good example and encourage her to keep trying, whether you talk about it or not. Patience is a virtue, and some of us get more opportunity to be virtuous that others! http://www.cookinglight.com/bbs/smile.gif

[Susann]

Your co-worker sounds similar to my SIL. When she goes on her tangents about what I need to be doing or not doing (her most recent one being that I need to change my eating habits. I eat healthily and exercise. She eats fast food. Don't ask!!!)I usually just tune her out,smile and nod while making out a grocery list in my mind. I have found if I say anything (and I do mean anything!) she will go on and on until I feel like my head might explode (which still probably wouldn't stop her! http://www.cookinglight.com/bbs/smile.gif )



[This message has been edited by Susann (edited 04-13-2001).]

[m4star]

Makedah- I can totally relate!! I have a friend who is constantly trying to push her crazy notion of calories, dieting and how the body works on to me. You are doing the right thing. There is no sense in getting worked up, stressed out, or play her games. Just take the high road with this one and keep up with what your body tells you to do.

But I must point out one little thing (and I hate to take the devil's advocate position here) but most people do wash their hair too frequently. Some shampoos can be very drying to the scalp and if you use them everyday it could dry the scalp. Just thought I'd add that little piece on.

[makedah]

m4star -- Oh I don't mind your piece of info. I would agree that daily washings could pose a problem for a lot of people.

My co-worker and I are both black women and most black women don't wash their hair daily (people with straight hair wash daily because of oil, not 'dirt'. When you have curly hair, the natural oils in your scalp never make it all the way down your hair shaft, so you need to preserve the natural oils - by not washing them out too often - and add moisture on a regular basis to avoid breakage.) I wash it weekly and often rinse it more often than that because the sweat from my workouts can be drying. This woman holds traditional beliefs about hair and only washes her hair about once a month or every six weeks, and thinks I should do the same. See what I'm talking about? No WAY I am I going to run 3x a week and wash my hair only once a month. Ewwww!

[This message has been edited by makedah (edited 04-13-2001).]

[MrsReber]

Ha ha ha!!!! Exercise doesn't work? This woman obviously lives on a different planet. Maybe she desperately needs exercise to feel better about herself???

[Julia1Pin]

"exercise doesn't work"

Reminds me of some of my friends who workout for 1 month (sparadically), then stop because they aren't seeing results (results=10-20lb loss). I've been working out for almost a year faithfully, and started seeing results about 7 months into it.

By the way, good luck on your weight loss.