Need help with "To Dos" after my mother's death

[memartha]

My mother died this week, and I'm having a hard time figuring out what I "officially" need to do.

I have called my friends and relatives, notified the newspapers in the two cities in which she lived and notified her college alumnae organization. My brother has contacted our church (in NY), where we plan to have a memorial service for her later this year. My father has thanked ($$) the nursing home in which my mother resided for the last couple of years. We have told anyone who asks that they can make a memorial to her to the Alzheimer's Association.

Am I missing anything? What should we be thinking about re: the service? How do we notify people about the service, once we pick a date? Am I expected to reply to senders of the cards/flowers that i am receiving? Do I need to have cards or something printed up? Any advice is appreciated. My father is not able to do very much himself, so it is up to my brother and I, and we've never done this before. TIA. Martha

[fci5767]

((((Hugs))) to you. I'm really sorry for your loss. I don't have any answers to your questions but wanted to send my best.


Beth

[tbb113]

(((Martha))). I also don't have much to offer other than my condolences. I would think that the funeral home should be able to help you with some of the logistics.

I do remember writing thank you letters with my mother when my grandfather died.

[newtricks]

I'm so sorry for your loss. You sound really on top of things to me but I haven't ever done this either.

Are you working with a funeral home? They should be able to help you with most of these questions I think. Also the priest/ pastor at your church obviously has lots of experience here too. I think in both cases, that's part of the job description - to help the family through the details.

(((Martha)))

[Laura]

Martha I am so sorry for your loss, my mom died two years ago today under similar circumstances. Have you thought about whether you will be having a reception of sort after the service? With my mom, her church did that for its members.

With regard to notifying people we simply called those who were not close by and wouldn't have found out through the church announcements.

I don't think my dad sent out thank you notes for flowers, but I also don't think it is expected (someone can correct me on this).

We had cards printed up, with a bible verse and my mom's birthdate and date of death. We had pictures of her at the church down at the alter, and we did a big poster board of pictures of her during her life that we had at the reception. We also had a guest book for people to sign.

[Kayaksoup]

((martha)) I have no advice, but Rob and I just went through this recently with his mom, so I know how overwhelming it can be. Take care of yourself, too.

[memartha]

Thanks for all of your replies and hugs... and so quickly!

I haven't spoken to the priest at the church in NY; I will do that next week and see what he suggests.

We don't have a funeral home, either. I wasn't sure if we needed one. My mother is being cremated in Florida.

Laura, I remember when you lost your mother. Thanks for the information about the cards and guest book.

I hadn't fully thought through the reception or meal afterward. That is also a good point. Thanks so much.

[mbrogier]

I'm so sorry, Martha. (((Martha)))

[KristaMB]

Martha, my condolences on the loss of your mom.

My grandmother passed this Thanksgiving, and since it was the holiday and she was being cremated, planning got off to a slow start. We called family and friends immediately, and put an announcement in the newspaper. Once we had arranged for a memorial service at a church in her hometown, my mom sent a simple flyer on nice paper about the service, so she didn't have to track down and call everyone again. The flyer was really simple, it just had Gran's name, date of birth and date of passing, and the name of the church, date, time and directions. We also included a note that in lieu of flowers to please donate to the American Diabetes Association.

I'm not an expert, but I am pretty sure that you won't need a funeral home. The Neptune Society handled the cremation for us and then the remains were taked to the cemetary by my father.

As for thank you cards, I'm not sure what the rule of thumb is, but I know grandfather wrote thank you notes for the plants and letters of donation that he received. I just did a search and found this information:

Who should the family of the deceased send thank-you notes to after all the services are completed? In particular, do thank-you notes go to the guests that attended the services? Are people that only send sympathy cards (no enclosure) supposed to receive thank-you notes?

Protocol is for acknowledgments to be sent to those that presented or sent something to the family. Examples would be memorial contributions, flowers, food, or some such similar item. Attending the visitation or service would not normally warrant the dispatching of an acknowledgment.

[Beth Y]

We have been going through this alot lately, sad to say. Each time, burial or cremation, we have gone through a funeral home that has handed us, as part of their folder/package, a book which has a good checklist of what to do/think about, even including who to contact(social security, etc) and what to do about probate, etc. It also had a separate book for recording who did/brought what, so you could keep up with thank you notes. If you don't get one of these, post and I will pull one out and run through the highlights here.

[tbb113]

Martha:
If you are at a lost for what to say in the thank you notes, this website (http://www.brownielocks.com/notes.html) has some examples both for flowers, money and food. I know that in the best of times, I have trouble composing nice notes.....

[ccooney]

((((((Martha))))))
I'm so sorry about your Mom. You're in my thoughts and prayers.
Connie

[Jessica]

I don't have any advice, but I am so sorry you lost your mom. ((((Martha))))

[knunes]

I wanted to add my condolences, Martha. Katie

[jellyben]

I am sorry to hear about your mom, Martha. No advice, just my condolences.

[Wendy w]

((((((((Martha))))))))
I am very sorry for your loss.

[phantomcg]

I don't have any advice for you, but I wanted to send you my condolences and let you know that you and your family will be in my thoughts and prayers.

I cannot even imagine how hard it is too lose your mother. We lost my Dad 8 years ago last Tuesday and I know that was very difficult!


Hugs,

Cheryl

[hollysmom]

My mom died in April so I know right where you are - however my dad is still very capable of handling things and that helped.

Not immediate needs, but you will need at least a dozen copies of the death certificate and your father will need to visit his attorney to start probate (if necessary) and transfer of assets, rewriting of his will, etc. He will need help with donation of clothing, etc. - when he is ready to do so. My dad wanted my sister and I to start clearing out clothing-type stuff in order to donate it to those who would need it.

Place memorial service information in the newspaper - people find out that way. We had over 180 people show up from obituary information. EMail or call those who might not see the paper.

The church can set up a reception after the memorial service. The funeral home usually has thank-you notes available. Flowers can be donated back to the nursing home if you do not want to keep them. You might think about where you might want to scatter the ashes and do that when you and your dad and sibs are together. We have had a tree planted at my parent's church for my mom and a memorial plaque made and will scatter her next time we are all together.

Hope this helps - sorry for your loss.

SSM

[Mamasue]

Martha I am so sorry. Your Mom, you and your family will be in my thoughts and prayers. ((((((((Martha))))))))

[KathrynY]

(((Martha and Family))) You'll be in my thoughts. Take care.

[Lauren]

Martha, I'm sorry for the loss of your Mom. Prayers to you and your family during this tough time.

[HejazSunKat]

Originally posted by KristaMB
Protocol is for acknowledgments to be sent to those that presented or sent something to the family. Examples would be memorial contributions, flowers, food, or some such similar item. Attending the visitation or service would not normally warrant the dispatching of an acknowledgment.

(((Martha))) - My deepest sympathies to you and your family on your loss. :(


I think Krista's info above has it right. When we lost my FIL in 2003 this is exactly what we did. We had so many contributions of one sort or another (flowers, mass cards, food gifts) that somebody took it upon themselves to actually make a spreadsheet of who gave what so we'd have the right info for the thank you notes. We all got together over several days and wrote them together and it was very helpful to have the information organized. If someone can be delegated to get the information organized somehow now as things start coming in it will make it easier later. The cards were printed for us by the funeral home so you shouldn't have to go out and get them.

[Molli526]

Martha, (((Hugs))) I am sorry for your loss.

[mst]

Martha, I am so sorry and thinking of you and your family.

[Jasmine-Rose]

Martha, my thoughts are with you and your family. I hope that in time, your memories of happier times will be of comfort to you.

[TwinMom]

I'm so sorry for your loss.

I'm probably repeating a lot of what was already said, but thought I would answer too. We just went through this with my Grandmother in Dec. My mom and I planned the service, etc... We worked with a funeral home which helped us immensely. YOu might want to contact who is doing the cremation and find out if they help with some of the service. Our funeral home helped with the obituary in the paper, mass cards, coordination with the church for the service and everything else. They also helped us with the "appropriate" $$ amounts to tip everyone from the priest to the "lunch ladies". The church helped set up a luncheon following like everyone else said.

We were also informed that for anyone that gives anything, a thank you note is appropriate. That does not include someone who only sends a card or attends the service.

For us the funeral home is such a sigh of relief. Since neither of us had ever had to prepare the arrangements for the funeral, they really helped us with everything that needed to be done. They really were worth it during your time of grief.

Good advice on the death certs. and will/trust stuff. Our funeral home ordered the death certs for us when he submitted the paperwork to the state.

I hope you can get some help from the company that is doing the cremation - if not, contact the church for help.

Hope it all goes smoothly for you and remember to take a breath during the planning stage and reflect. It is so hard.

My condolences...

[Gecko]

Martha I just wanted to add my condolences. I know this must be a very sorrowful time for you and there are a lot of details to sort through at the moment, but please remember one important one, and that is to look after yourself too. We will all be thinking of you and your family.

[gertdog]

Martha, I don't have any advice to offer, but I wanted to let you know how sorry I am for your loss. You and your family are in my thoughts.

[HRJ]

Martha, I'm so sorry to hear this. Sincerest condolences to you and your family from me and DH.

I'm just going to add something about thank-you notes, based on my own experience -- obviously, you can make of it what you will. When my dad died, I did not send thank-you notes -- I just wasn't up to it, mentally, emotionally, physically. We had requested donations to the American Diabetes Association, and I know the ADA, like other charities, will send an acknowledgement to the donor, so that they know their check didn't get lost in the mail, or anything like that. And I did thank people verbally when I saw or spoke to them in the weeks afterward. Personally, I've never been offended if I didn't receive a thank-you note from a bereaved person.

In any event, I'm mentioning this because there are a lot of things to take care of at a time like this, and it can be overwhelming.

Take care,

Helene

[memartha]

Thank you so much for all of your replies. I kind of broke down this AM. I think I had been on autopilot all week, with work and getting the kids off to school and to their activites, etc. But this morning it just all came out. Poor DH! Luckily he is very understanding.

All of your condolences mean a lot to me, as does all of the great advice and suggestions on where to turn or what to do. You all are the best. Martha

[Sami]

My condolences to you Martha. What I did was to write notes to everyone who donated food, made donations etc. when DH died. I did not send notes for cards, although I know some people who do.

After you get things squared away, your father needs to call any life insurance companies, change the title to the house, car, his will etc. The funeral home usually gets the death notices for you.Get alot....I was given 10 at the outset and have had to request 15 more. Only the MVA, social security and court documents require an offical copy of the death certificate but others insist on it and it is easier than arguing with them. Without a funeral home, you can call the Registrar of Wills.

Anything that was joint should be changed because when your Dad dies, there will be problems otherwise.


Good luck. Sami

[funnybone]

No advice, but I just wanted to offer my condolences as well. You are in my thoughts and prayers.

[MusicMom]

Martha,

I'm so sorry for your loss. My father passed away last summer and the best advice someone gave me was to be patient with myself. It takes a long time to recover emotionally. I'm still raw.

My father was cremated and the Cremation Society handled things like requesting death certificates and working with the newspapers to print obituaries. Some newspapers will only accept obits from funeral homes because they want verification of the death.

Your priest should be able to help you with the service. Since we didn't have a viewing, we set out a lot of photos, certificates, and awards that meant a lot to my father. People seemed to really appreciate that. My DD wrote a letter to my father that she read during the service. I'm so proud of her because none of the rest of us could have gotten through that.

Most of all take care of yourself.

Vivian

[rosie_one]

I'm so sorry too. :(

The social security office will need to be contacted, eventually, for tax purposes. This isn't immediate, but it's one of those things.

Also, I'll suggest you make time to talk to a pastor or a close friend who isn't grieving as you are to help you sort through things. Grief is just plain hard.