Is this Normal??

[misskitty100]

Yesterday we went to my in-laws for Easter Dinner. Just like every other holiday "they" (MIL & FIL)are running around preparing a meal to feed 50 people when there is actually only 8 adults. They are working so hard on everything that they don't have time to say anything. Once the meal is served, there is no real conversation just comments regarding the kids etc. Once the meal is over we have to rush home because it is late.

Whenever we go to their house it feels like a big sprint to the finish line. I have spoken to MIL in the past about making meal time simple so there isn't so much work. Honestly, I would rather have some nice conversation with everyone instead of a 20 course meal that causes MIL & FIL to spend all their time in the kitchen.

Since it is DH's family I just go along with it (other than the few times I spoke to MIL) but I always feel very ackward.

[mbrogier]

Sounds about right to me, although I'm surprised that your FIL stepped foot inside the kitchen to do something other than get something to eat.

My MIL plans this big meal, and when I step in the door from a 15 hour trip, I get to finish up the cooking. :rolleyes: Oooh, guess who gets to clean up??? Me and DH!!

The conversation is the same. Who died in the community. I get asked if I know any of these people. I went to school there, I don't know everyone in the town. Then there are the political debates, and the questions about my family, which I avoid--because if I were to tell them the truth, they puff up like bullfrogs because "they" don't have those issues. :rolleyes: :rolleyes: SIGH. They're happy and that's all they want, so that's fine with me. It's ok with my DH, too because that's the way they've always been with him.

[Ms. Chevious]

I don't know but I can't remember a single meal where my grandmother actually sat down and ate with us. Whether its 5 people or 15 she constantly runs back and forth from kitchen to table, bringing out things no one needs or wants, and literally never once sits down to have the meal with us. :(

[gertdog]

Originally posted by mbrogier

My MIL plans this big meal, and when I step in the door from a 15 hour trip, I get to finish up the cooking. :rolleyes: Oooh, guess who gets to clean up??? Me and DH!!

This part certainly sounds familiar. I wouldn't mind if it simply meant putting away leftovers, rinsing dishes and putting them in the dishwasher. But usually MIL plans a huge meal and does all the cooking at the last minute, and then there are just tons of pots, pans, the blender, the food processor, you name it- in addition to the actual dinner dishes and silverware. And after dinner, without fail, FIL says to MIL "Honey, sit back and relax. The kids will clean up." I like the part where FIL manages to neither cook nor clean. Okay, that's my little vent. :o

As for the planning a huge meal and rushing around so much that you can't sit down and enjoy with your family- I think it's not that uncommon. Both of my grandmothers used to do this- they'd be asleep on the couch before dessert- no matter how much the family would beg them to take it easy on themselves, let us help, let us bring something. My mom, on the other had, keeps things simple and has been happy to let my sister and I take responsibility for parts of our holiday meals. I personally like to plan a big spread when I host, but I do as much as I can ahead so that when dinner time rolls around, I've still got enough energy left to enjoy my company.

[Kay Henderson]

Miss Kitty, it sounds as if you've already spoken to your in-laws (I assume very politely, telling them how much more you would value their company than a fancy meal). I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but I suspect that they are not going to change. You may be able to enjoy their company in a different context, but putting on a big spread appears to be a part of who they are.

It may be cultural. For example, my mother picked cotton as a child. For her, I have come to understand that putting on an elaborate meal signals deep caring for guests, as well as treasuring the fact that she can do so.

Love your in-laws for themselves. After all, they produced your DH.

Kay

[Blissful_in_TX]

I guess my family is different, because whenever we'd have a big meal, everyone would usually bring a side dish and dessert or appetizer. Then once we got there, a few of the women would work together in the kitchen for the main course, stuffing and rolls. And even though it was always at her house, I don't ever remember my grandmother cooking for a holiday. Instead she would visit with us grandchildren and help out when needed. Then the next morning she would wake up early to make a big breakfast for everyone who spent the night. It worked out nicely.

[jmarie]

Oooh, guess who gets to clean up???

There can be 25 people there and when the meal is done, they all retire to the other parts of the house (or leave) to let MIL do the cleaning, so I do it. I find that so annoying and when I have asked for help, I have been totally ignored...

When we arrive, she is in the kitchen running around like a chicken with her head cut off and all of the others are sitting around reading the paper, talking about current events or whatever... Never once has she refused my help when I go in to help her and yet the others are BLIND to her needs. I find this so infuriating. :mad:

[lindrusso]

I don't know that I'd call it "normal", normal is different for everyone, but I used to be that way myself.

I'd kill myself planning these great meals and I'd even do stuff beforehand, staying up late to finish, but I'd still end up spending enormous amounts of time in the kitchen (these were usually overnight guests). Now I do all the desserts, appetizers, breads, etc., ahead of time (and I've cut way back on desserts and appetizers to begin with) and plan yummy but simple meals.

I know that as a guest, I don't feel like I can truly hang out and relax if the hostess is running around. As much as I want to and do help, I'd also like time to enjoy friends and family. So, now I try to think like a guest and try to do as little as possible once everyone gets here (for overnighters or for a party) so that everyone can just enjoy themselves.

Alysha :)

[Lillith]

Maybe you can tell your in-laws that as much as you enjoy their holiday meals, you enjoy their company more - so, in the future, you'd be happy to bring a dish or two (and suggest others do the same) so there's less preparation for them. It might not work, but at least you can try it.

[misskitty100]

I know that as a guest, I don't feel like I can truly hang out and relax if the hostess is running around. As much as I want to and do help, I'd also like time to enjoy friends and family.


I think you just put into words what was bothering me so much. THANK YOU!!!

They always ask us to bring a dish or two and of course we do, but they still go way overboard....

Sounds like I am not the only one who has experienced this type of entertaining .......

[mbrogier]

My MIL has bad knees and doesn't walk much, so she doesn't really cook. She gets her daughter to do everything that can't be done sitting down and waits for me to come and finish everything. No one walks out and is letting her do everything by herself.

We would be happier with sandwiches or hot dogs or something. We have said this many times but have been told they want a nice meal for us and in her mind she fixed it. I understand what it is like not to be able to do things for yourself, so I don't say anything to her. It is just frustrating. It would be different if the trip to get there wasn't so long. We also have to stay with them. We stayed in a hotel once but that went over like a load of bricks.

It really isn't a matter of saying it is more comfortable for us, because they don't understand that a double bed isn't comfortable for a 6'4" man and a 5'7" woman. It hurts their feelings that we don't want to stay with them. Logic means nothing to them. So, instead of spending a week with them, we spend 2 days and then go see my mom who lets us have space and understands if we need more room.

I don't think with families that there is a NORMAL.