What would you do?

[jmarie]

I knew something. A really good friend told me that she saw another of my friend's BF (of 10 years) out with another woman. Before she told me, she swore me to secrecy because she didn't want to be involved.

This friend was calling and crying on my shoulder because their relationship was suddenly souring and I tried to be supportive, but this stupid vow that I made, made it really difficult and so I didn't say anything to her. She called a lot of people and cried on their shoulder during this time. I tried to get her to talk more openly to him, hoping he would tell her, besides what if my friend had made a mistake, and what if it was his sister or something.

Then this friend who told me not to tell confided to another person. Made her promise not to tell and told her I was the only other person who knew. So that person, didn't break her vow to her the gossiper, but told my hurting friend I knew something.

The brokenhearted friend confronted me about what she knew I knew and hasn't spoken to me since. I tried to approach her, but she is civil and then just turns the away. This happened a year ago and I have just felt so badly about it ever since. I am painfully reminded of it when I run into her, which isn't often, but happened yesterday.

She just turns a cold shoulder. We weren't best friends but we were more than acquaintences. I guess I could deal with not having her as a friend, but I just feel so guilty.

As it turns out this guy married the new girl within 8 months of meeting her.
My dad told me a long time ago, that if you meddle in the affairs of other couples and they don't break up, then you are out at least one or two friends...But it appears he was wrong, because I am out anyway. What do you think...what would you do what would you have done?
jmarie

[Canice]

I don't think you can more than you have to try to salvage your relationship with "brokenhearted" but I would dump the so-called "friend" who A) did meddle in someone's relationship and screwed up a friendship and B) intentionally put you in an unwinnable position so that she could be sure "brokenhearted" knew what was going on - but didn't have to bear the responsibility of telling her herself. What a crappy and outrageousely juvenile thing to do: "Joyce has a secret! Joyce knows something you don't know!" How old is this woman?

[jmarie]

The "Gossiper" is around 50. We all are. I am really mad at the other person who had nothing to lose and decided to tell that I knew something. Everytime I see her, I seethe with anger. I know I need to just get over it and don't even think about it anymore, unless I run into them. It ruined more than one friendship. But we do see each other at social events and about town.

I guess I keep wondering...Did I do the right thing by keeping my mouth shut and not telling the friend. I honestly did not know if it was his sister he was with and neither did the friend who saw them. They were not in a compromising situation. He went in to a funeral home to pay his last respects and she stayed in the car. And that is where she saw her...so you can see it could have been totally innocent...although it turned out not to be.

But still there she was crying on my shoulder and I didn't say a word except to keep telling her she needed to talk to him...The whole thing sickens me.:(
Joyce

[Canice]

I think you absolutely and unequivocally did the right thing.

[Jen]

I guess it depends on just how good friends you were with this woman . I've never been in this position (of knowing or thinking a friend's husband is cheating), but I've always thought that what I would do is speak to the husband, let him know that there are rumours that he is cheating (or that you've seen them together, or whatever), and tell him that he needs to talk to his wife about it or you will do it. I think it's always best to let the cheater tell his/her spouse first, but if he/she isn't going to do it, I wouldn't feel right knowing that my friend's spouse was cheating and I didn't tell them. Not to mention that in this day and age, they could be exposed to lots of dangerous diseases if they don't know they're being cheated on.

[ChristieinMB]

Joyce, you cannot change the past, but in the future, when someone wants to gossip and swear you to secrecy. Tell that "friend" not to share the gossip with you, then you will have nothing to hide. She says she doesn't want to be involved, but she shares her information with others, come on!
Only thing I know you can do now, is humbly talk to the distant old friend telling her your mistake, ask for forgiveness. Tell her you miss the friendship, then be sincerely friendly when you see her. hoping she will come around.

[Kathy B]

It's always easy to second-guess yourself after the fact, especially if things don't go well. But if I am reading your post correctly, YOU really didn't KNOW anything. You had just heard gossip. If you had told the woman what you had been told, you would have only been passing on gossip. If that had turned out to be false, you still might have ruined a friendship.

I guess the thing to change in the future might be to refuse to let someone tell you gossip, or at least refuse to keep anything secret from a third party. Easier said than done, I know.

[jmarie]

but I've always thought that what I would do is speak to the husband,

It was a Boyfriend. I had spoken to DH about it and he said if there is not a ring on her finger....He told me not to say a word.

YOU really didn't KNOW anything
This is true. I wasn't there, had no idea of anything (but what I was told) and hated to make assumptions because he lived with his sister, at the time. I didn't even want to think about it and just tried to put it out of my mind, what I had heard. I didn't want to believe it, you know? Wanted to assume the best....but when things turned out as badly as they did, I just felt bad and then her response to me...well, she never gave me a chance. Maybe I didn't deserve it, but still feel pangs of guilt when I see her.

[Lillith]

You were put in an uncomfortable position by the gossipy "friend" but did the right thing, IMO, but not saying anything for the reasons you stated. Look, if this is eating away at you and you really feel the need to do something I would suggest one of two things. Call your friend and invite her over to your house, or go somehwere, for coffee and a chat to clear the air. Tell her honestly that you didn't want to meddle in her business and cause her grief if it was unwarranted, etc. If she accepts your invitation, great. If she doesn't, my other suggestion would be to send her a card, or letter, telling her what you would've said in person. At least this way you're explaining how badly you've been feeling and why. Maybe she'll come to understand that, through no fault of your own, the situation escalated into hurt feelings and broken friendships. You have nothing to lose, but maybe her friendship back to gain.

[HejazSunKat]

Originally posted by ChristieinMB
Only thing I know you can do now, is humbly talk to the distant old friend telling her your mistake, ask for forgiveness.

Forgiveness for...? I don't think there is any mistake to be righted here. The only honorable thing to do under the circumstances was to say nothing. Passing on unsubstantiated gossip would have been wrong. Things aren't always what they appear and there could have been any number of innocent reasons the man was out in public with another woman. Maybe he was cheating but it sounds as if the gossiper was just looking to enliven her boring little life by disseminating a juicy tidbit she had on someone. If Joyce had said "This is what I heard from so and so..." I think the woman would have been just as mad but for different reasons so I think she was going to be d@mned either way. You might try writing her a letter with your side of the story Joyce. I wouldn't do any groveling in it, just tell her the facts: You were put in an impossible situation by someone else and felt it would have been wrong to pass along rumors and gossip. If she doesn't get that then I would rethink the value of her friendship.

[Kathy B]

Another thing to consider, Joyce, is that your friend may be misplacing her anger at her BF towards you. HE is the one who left her. I am sure it is easy to blame you and think it would all be different if you had only told her what she thinks you knew, rather than confront the reality of a relationship that went sour, and maybe even that some part of that was her fault. Just a thought.

[ChristieinMB]

Originally posted by HejazSunKat


Forgiveness for...?
I may have read it wrong but I understood it as Joyce was gossiping about her friend, the friend found out and is now hurt.
Maybe she feels like the "town fool", everyone knew but her. As someone else mentioned it may be misplaced anger (instead of her boyfriend). Here the friend was crying about her relationship to Joyce but Joyce knew it was probably worse then her friend knew.
Joyce put herself in that "impossible position" (sorry Joyce) by being a party to the gossip.
I am not "above" gossip, but I've learned the hard way I should always be...
Christie

[jmarie]

I am not "above" gossip, but I've learned the hard way I should always be


Yes and this was a valuable lesson, trust me. I have been thinking about this all day, today and so I called her this evening, but she wasn't home. I will call again. I think I could let go of the entire situation, if I could just explain, at least so that she understands what my predicament was. I am not sure that she will understand, though.

I wasn't gossiping about her. This friend approached me and said I need to tell you something, but you have to promise to keep it under your hat. When you are told something like that, you blindly give your allegiance.... That will never happen again.....

I had not considered the possibility that she may be hurt because she thinks she was the "Town Fool", that everyone knew but her. And it could be embarassment, when all is said and done....I have only been busy looking at my side of it. I appreciate that perspective.

I really thank all of you for your advice. If and when I get in touch with her, I will let you know how it turns out.
Joyce

[slawrence]

Jmarie...I sympathize. I am privy to some damaging relationship info right now as well. I am not divulging based on my feelings of 'what if it isn't true?' like KathyB mentioned. I was torn for awhile but since I didn't see if firsthand, I feel I am ok with not sharing it. It IS a difficult position and the other person put you in a lousy situation....With time things will sort out I'm sure. Good luck! Sue

[Canice]

Originally posted by ChristieinMB
Maybe she feels like the "town fool", everyone knew but her.

That's a big reason it's generally considered a bad idea to tell someone (especially just an acquaintance) that they're being cheated on; they possibly already know/suspect it and have to confront the idea that "everyone" knew but them.

And Joyce, you are very right about not knowing the circumstances under which the BF was "seen". My own DBF can be seen with other women at fine restaurants, the opera, etc. --just as I was recently seen having a quiet dinner (yes, corner table!) with "another man". There are unlimited business/family/social reasons for these outings.

[Lillith]

Originally posted by jmarie
I think I could let go of the entire situation, if I could just explain, at least so that she understands what my predicament was. I am not sure that she will understand, though.

That's exactly why I suggested you call her (or send a card if she's not agreeable to speaking with you). At least you can get it off your chest. Whether she chooses to understand or not is beyond your control, but at least you'll get "closure" to this by explaining your position and then put it behind you. Good luck!

[HejazSunKat]

Originally posted by jmarie
I wasn't gossiping about her. This friend approached me and said I need to tell you something, but you have to promise to keep it under your hat.

This is why I don't think you should beat yourself up for listening to what the individual who told you the 'dirt' had to say which I feel is part of your issue here Joyce - based on the way your friend is treating you you're internalizing some blame in the situation and I think that's misplaced. If she approached you like that how were you supposed to know what she was going to tell you? It could have been a secret of her own that she had to unburden herself with, something she needed to talk to a friend about. If you're approached with a gleeful smile and: "Oooh, I have some dirt on so-and-so's boyfriend but you have to keep it under your hat!" that's different. Then you could put up your hand and say: "Thanks anyway but I'm good friends with so-and-so and I don't think I want to know that"

I agree that it would feel good to be able to get your side of the story out, then it would feel like you've done everything you possibly can and the rest is up to her. Good luck.