Second (and third!) Baby Showers

[Lillith]

First let me start by saying I'm not cheap! I even stated for all to see that while I scrimp in shopping for myself, I splurge on gifts for others. Here's the situation: I work in a school where wedding and baby showers are frequently held (our Sunshine Club runs these events). I happily contribute to these but I've started to resent having to chip in for gifts for second (and even third) baby showers for the same person. I understand having a shower for the first child, but I really feel that should be it. Is having more than one baby shower a common practice?

[Beth H]

Is having more than one baby shower a common practice?

No - it's fairly tacky, I think. Now, if the mom has had a big gap between children, a second shower is appropriate, but not normally.

[Wendy w]

Originally posted by Beth H


No - it's fairly tacky, I think. Now, if the mom has had a big gap between children, a second shower is appropriate, but not normally.

I totally agree with you. One of my friend's daughters (under age 20) :rolleyes: had 2 babies within a year and a half. There were 2 showers. :rolleyes:

[acginkc]

For the most part I would say no, but I have had friends who have had more than just the 1st baby one if there was a big gap (like over 5 or 6 years) between babies, or if they are having a baby of a different gender (and that one is usually much much smaller). I can understand why you would get frustrated. I am sure at a school you run into more of these showers than in many other work settings.

Maybe you could find a discount bookstore and buy up multiple copies of a favorite childrens book, or basic gender neutral baby books. I have seen these sorts of things for less than 10 dollars. It is always a welcome gift, and you don't have to always be running out and keep track of how much you spent on the last one.

[zwieback]

I don't know of anyone who has had a shower for each baby they've had. Only the first child. That just gets to be too much. Heck, sometimes showers for the first child get to be too much. I don't see a problem with giving a small gift/flowers with each child but, I don't see the need for a full blown shower for each.

I think the only instance I could understand showers for each child would be if the woman was under a lot of financial hardship.

I don't know the particulars of your Club but, I guess the question is, where do you draw the line? Do you throw showers for people who go through multiple marriages? I guess your club just needs to know where to draw the line.

[BarbaraL]

Just wanted to point out that people don't usually plan their own showers; friends or, in this case, coworkers plan them (and usually as a surprise). These types of events are always an issue in the workplace. Multiple baby (or wedding!) showers for the same person; do you give a shower for the groom/dad? We took a pregnant coworker out to lunch before her maternity leave; another person complained to her boss that she hadn't been invited to the "party"; our supervisor felt that "party Planner" wasn't part of her job description.

That being said, I don't think people should have multiple baby showers (unless, as others have mentioned) there's a BIG gap between babies. People start to feel taken advantage of.

[cookinfor6]

Tacky, tacky, tacky!! ;)

[sneezles]

Well, I gave birth in 3 different countries and my friends at each location gave a shower each time (and all 3 were a surprise for me) and each birth was just over 4 years apart. Sometimes the mother-to-be doesn't have a say...tacky or not!

[Beth H]

Well, I gave birth in 3 different countries and my friends at each location gave a shower each time (and all 3 were a surprise for me) and each birth was just over 4 years apart. Sometimes the mother-to-be doesn't have a say...tacky or not!

Well, that's a bit different since it was totally different groups of people who wanted to throw the showers for you. I think the "tackiness" comes in when several baby showers are thrown for the same person requiring the same group of people to give multiple gifts.

[cookinfor6]

Originally posted by Beth H


Well, that's a bit different since it was totally different groups of people who wanted to throw the showers for you. I think the "tackiness" comes in when several baby showers are thrown for the same person requiring the same group of people to give multiple gifts.

Exactly!

[donleyk]

Yes, as Beth states, Sneezles situation is different.

I don't agree with it either but my niece had 2 showers. There are 8 years difference plus this one was girl.

I feel that in the group setting if you don't know where to draw the line it can be a personal decision not to participate.

I argue this point all the time. There is some kind of shower going on and one of the newbies to the group doesn't harldy know the person. They feel obligated to participate anyway. I don't have that problem. I can't believe, if I was in the showeree's ( :o whatever) position I certainly wouldn't expect everyone to participate. JMO.

[stacy7272]

Boy, I thought of SIL immediately when I saw this thread! She has had 3 kids and 3 baby showers. Second baby was the same gender as the first and only 15 months later!!!

I have no issues with someone really wanting to throw a party FOR someone but SIL was the person getting these things to happen. The third time especially nobody was really motivated to throw her a party so she got my brother on the phone to call my sister to tell her that SIL was feeling hurt that it is taking my sister so long to throw her the baby shower!

I could go on and on about SIL, this is her M.O.

[mrswaz]

Depends.

In my case I was thrown a second shower after I had my son. The shower was specifically a clothing shower since my first baby had been a girl. In that instance, I think a second shower is appropriate. It would also be appropriate in the instance where the Mom was going to have mutliple babies- then you would need a second set of everything you already have. (Or third, fourth, etc).

Unfortunately Moms-to-be rarely have a say in what goes on with baby showers. I think I would have politely turned down the offer of a second shower had I been given a chance. I was basically told that my friend wanted to do this for me- and I was going to suck it up and open up the presents of baby boy clothes.

[annagins]

Adding to what Barbara said. A few years ago, some girlfriends and I sat around at a playgroup discussing our thoughts on this subject. The conclusion was, having second showers was tacky. Flash forward. Two out of six of us have had second showers. In both cases, the showers were thrown by a well-meaning friends of the prospective mother. Friends who just wanted to do something nice and didn't feel second showers were tacky. One friend said she felt weird about having another shower, but the friend who was throwing it was all for parties, traditional showers, and just wanted to do it again.

As Mrswaz said, moms to be don't have much of a say. Especially when the hostess to be is all for a full-blown shower. You'd think it would be easy to say "I'll have a shower, but no gifts allowed". However, it's really the hostess's decision and most hostesses want to pamper their guest of honor.

[donleyk]

told that my friend wanted to do this for me- and I was going to suck it up and open up the presents of baby boy clothes.

:D :D :D

[Chefzhat]

Multiple showers are tacky.

I'm excluding the previously mentioned extenuating circumstances, though.

I've been invited to a few, and always decline.

[leightx]

I really don't like 2nd baby showers, mainly because I don't like showers! I despise party games of all sorts, and showers that I take part in hosting are typically held at a restaurant - no games, no cutesy favors (well, actually we had these really cute tea bags at the last baby shower I hosted, so I guess that was something...), no outlandish decorations. Basically, it's just a group of girlfriends having dinner together - and also opening gifts. :)

When I had my 2, they were only 13 months apart (girl, then boy). Several people offered to throw me a shower for the second and I said absolutely not (people did bring presents after he was born though). Since then however I have helped host 2 "second" showers, and gone to countless others. In fact, around here it seems that the norm is to definitely have a shower for each kid. I think that most people just see it as another chance to go hang out with friends (and probably don't view a baby shower as an instrument of torture). It also seems that most of the time there is a new set of friends to invite - in most all of my friends' cases, they moved to a new neighborhood, or became stay-at-home-moms, or met new friends through playgroups etc with their first kid, so they have a different set of friends to invite to the 2nd shower.

I really like what one of my good friends is doing for her second - after the baby is born they are inviting people over to "meet the baby".

[Blissful_in_TX]

I frequent a couple of baby boards, and I can assure you that showers for subsequent children are becoming more and more popular. Personally, I don’t like this trend but on the baby boards I seem to be in the minority. Others feel that they should be celebrating the birth of EVERY child, not just the FIRST one.

And here’s another point others seem to disagree with me on: I don’t see the gifts as being for baby, I see them as gifts for the mom/parents. You’re showering the MOM with gifts…..do you really think my DS knows or cares that someone gave him a Diaper Champ?? Showers were originally meant to help a couple with a NEW transition in life (getting married, having a baby) …..but that seems to be changing.

[Blissful_in_TX]

I was actually just flipping through my Emily Post Etiquette book for something else, so I looked up the section on Encore Showers.....

"Is it all right to give showers the second, or even third time a couple has a baby? Yes, but only when the guest list is limited to close relatives and very close friends and guests who didn't attend a shower for the first baby." (Goes on to say it's also appropriate if several years have passed or if you've moved to another city and have since made new friends.)

Anyway, just FYI :D

[Lillith]

Thanks to those who responded. For whomever asked, in our school grooms-to-be get showers too! I really can't agree w/those who said that 2nd showers are OK if the babies are far apart or if they're different genders. Those who are going to buy you a baby gift (after the baby is born) will anyway and will buy an appropriate gift. Of course I can opt not to contribute, and I wouldn't be alone, but then my name (and the others who also opt not to chip in) will not appear on the card and that will cause hard feelings/friction with people I see every day. I told my office manager that I'm going to ask a co-worker to throw me a "renewal" shower; after 35 yrs. of marriage I want new silverware, several LeCreuset pcs., etc. and see how THAT goes over :)

[schuh]

For what it's worth, in my circle of friends we do get together to celebrate the impending arrival of the 2nd (or whatever) baby.

But we all bring a casserole or baked good that she can put in the freezer for after baby comes. That way she doesn't have to cook for awhile. Usually a neighbor offers some freezer space.

It seems like a reasonable compromize to get together and wish our friend well, but not do a full-blown shower.

[jtoepfert100]

Originally posted by Blissful_in_TX
do you really think my DS knows or cares that someone gave him a Diaper Champ??

:D LOL! Thanks for the end of the day giggle!

[Blissful_in_TX]

Originally posted by schuh
For what it's worth, in my circle of friends we do get together to celebrate the impending arrival of the 2nd (or whatever) baby.

But we all bring a casserole or baked good that she can put in the freezer for after baby comes. That way she doesn't have to cook for awhile. Usually a neighbor offers some freezer space.

It seems like a reasonable compromize to get together and wish our friend well, but not do a full-blown shower.

I think that is a GREAT idea! :)

[mlynn]

My circle of friends often has parties celebrating the birth of second and third babies. They're not really showers--generally they're coed, at some one's home and the gifts run more to children's books or an outfit if the second child is of a different gender than the first. They're thrown after the baby is born, and are really just a chance for everyone to get to meet the little one.

I personally don't like showers because I hate the games and the sit-in-a-circle-and-pass-the gift-around routine. That's just me, though.

[manetta]

Originally posted by schuh
For what it's worth, in my circle of friends we do get together to celebrate the impending arrival of the 2nd (or whatever) baby.

But we all bring a casserole or baked good that she can put in the freezer for after baby comes. That way she doesn't have to cook for awhile. Usually a neighbor offers some freezer space.

It seems like a reasonable compromize to get together and wish our friend well, but not do a full-blown shower.

This is what we do, too. In addition to casseroles, often the mom-to-be is given gift certificates for a manicure, pedicure, massage, housecleaning services, etc. with the focus being on her and her well-being and sanity after the arrival of number two or three. After all, she will need it!;)

[jellyben]

I disagree that second showers are appropriate if the kids are spaced far apart or if they are different genders. We were told my 2nd was a girl, and we already had a boy. My friends did have a shower for me but I think it was more because I was new the area, and they weren't around when DS1 was born. I would hate to think that the only reason they did it was because they thought I was having a girl and needed the clothes!! I don't necessarily mind second showers in the case of good friends, because I would have bought a baby gift anyway. And this way I get to go to a party too!!

And I did get to use all those cute girl clothes when DD was born a couple of years later. No shower, but a few friends took me out to dinner a few weeks after she was born.

[Schmee]

Originally posted by schuh
For what it's worth, in my circle of friends we do get together to celebrate the impending arrival of the 2nd (or whatever) baby.

But we all bring a casserole or baked good that she can put in the freezer for after baby comes. That way she doesn't have to cook for awhile. Usually a neighbor offers some freezer space.

It seems like a reasonable compromize to get together and wish our friend well, but not do a full-blown shower.

This is becoming the norm among my friends too. It is a nice thing to do and the mom and dad really seem to appreciate the help.

[jmarie]

Is it all right to give showers the second, or even third time a couple has a baby? Yes, but only when the guest list is limited to close relatives and very close friends and guests who didn't attend a shower for the first baby." (Goes on to say it's also appropriate if several years have passed or if you've moved to another city and have since made new friends.)

I wish my husband's family would get this. They love to marry have children and divorce, remarry and have more children. The aunts are expected to give the showers for all of the neices, great-nieces and great-great nieces and nephews, G-nephews and GG nephews. If someone on the other side gives a shower, we are never invited, just expected to give another....:confused:

We have had to give showers for 1st., 2nd, and third marriages and for the 1st., 2nd., 3rd., and 4th. child. We learned today, that the one who has 4 children and is divorced went with his girfriend to see if she was pregnant. He isn't working now.

Rant over. sorry I hijacked your thread, but I truly feel your pain.

[Peweh]

Stacy7272, Do we have the same SIL???:D

[clarksmom]

Yeah I've been round a few times on this topic in my head as well. I have a dear friend who is having her second, a baby girl and who gave away all her baby stuff a few years ago not anticipating she'd have another, let alone a girl this time so we've tossed up the idea of giving her one. Only her closest friends however are getting together with a few family members and buying her a few things. I think we may be meeting Emily Post's standards after all!

[mst]

Hmm. I think I am in a different camp than most. I would give gift for each child that is born, so I don't really have a problem with a shower for each. And, I would give of equal value for each child (and, if they are twins, I give two separate gifts of the same value as if they were a singleton). My issue, is that I think most people hate baby showers (or any shower!) Baby showers are huge, huge torture for anyone going through infertility. One of my friends was so, so sweet and actually asked if I even wanted the invitation. I thought it was so thoughtful of our situation, and I was happy to tell her a few weeks later that I was pregnant also!

I am Jewish, so no shower for me. But, I really don't like the idea of people buying me baby clothing. The clothes are so cute, and the babies are in it for so little time, I feel as though others are robbing me of the opportunity to put my child into the clothing that I think is cutest. I would rather get practical things like extra cloth diapers, pacifers, books or toys. That being said, I have never bought anyone clothes, and I always buy practical off of the registry because I know that no one else will. I am a horrible person to give gifts to in general. Even my DH just gives me gift certificates!

Oh, and as a feminist, I like the idea that men get showers too. In a more global sense, it gives men some of the responsiblity for the home. Like, accepting a toaster as a gift for him, and cooing over it. One step towards equality! A small step, I know.

[boisewinesnob]

Wow. It seems like most everybody has a problem with showers for babies if it's not the first.
Does everybody feel the same about wedding/bridal showers if the bride has already been married before? Or the groom?
Just curious.

Also, it has been common at my last job and my current job for employees to have baby showers no matter which kid it will be (first, second, etc). Often, other co-workers didn't even know the mother when she had baby #1, so it isn't such a big deal to have a shower. Because in those cases, it's the first shower for the co-worker (if that makes any sense :o )

[angelamaria]

i just had my second baby in a new town and noone gave me a shower- and i am glad. people gave us gifts after he was born which was fine. i just found out a "meet the baby" party is being planned by dh's coworkers which is sweet. if someone needs everything all over again, though, i don't mind contributing. usually i buy a shower gift plus a gift after baby arrives.

[Lillith]

I prefer to buy a baby gift after baby's born so I know what gender I'm dealing with. I think showers, in general, are inappropriate especially if it's a bridal shower. When a couple becomes engaged, they send out announcements and/or have a party so you give a gift. Then comes the shower and you give another gift. Then comes the wedding and you give yet another gift. Isn't there a limit on how many gifts one gives for the same occasion? BTW, recently many Jewish people I know have had or are planning baby showers so I guess some believe that having the shower is OK. Times sure have changed.

[stefania4]

I was always taught that showers (and registries) were for first weddings and first babies only. I know lots of people who have had two children, and only had a shower for the first. I wouldn't be opposed to a celebratory, no-gifts luncheon for a second child (and I always bring a gift after the baby, first or second, is born), but I would never attend a shower for a second child.

Reading the earlier responses on this thread raises a question. Some people are talking about the celebratory aspect, and others are talking about the couple needing things. Is a shower primarily a celebration or a "helping the new parents get what they need" party? I've always looked at it as primarily a celebration - a chance to share the joy of a woman entering a new phase in her life.

[Lillith]

Originally posted by stefania4
Is a shower primarily a celebration or a "helping the new parents get what they need" party?

Both!! Why the need to give a gift at a shower when you're going to give one after the baby's born? Same with the engagement/bridal shower/wedding gifts. Sorry to say, I think it all boils down to greed.

[Blissful_in_TX]

Interesting, I had no idea Jewish people don't typically have showers. If you don't mind me asking, why is that?


Originally posted by Lillith
When a couple becomes engaged, they send out announcements and/or have a party so you give a gift. Then comes the shower and you give another gift. Then comes the wedding and you give yet another gift. Isn't there a limit on how many gifts one gives for the same occasion?

Just FYI, that's not how it's done where I'm from. Usually only ONE gift is given (and not an $$ one either, I'm talking $25 - 30.) I've never been invited to an engagement party, and the only type of announcement I've received is a save-the-date card, which I don't think is meant as a gift request. Then when my bridal shower rolled around, my mom told me when someone brings a gift to the shower, THAT gift is considered the wedding gift as well. I didn't believe her (I always give separate shower and wedding gifts), but sure enough almost everyone only gave one gift. I'm not trying to sound greedy, but I was like "What's the point of the shower?"

[DanaSD]

I don't know anyone who is having a second or third who isn't having a shower (and often multiple showers - coworkers, friends/neighbors and family). I just attended one last week for a second baby - 35 people were invited. In 2 weeks I'm going to one for a woman having her third (and I went to her shower for her second, too).

Seems like no one around here has heard thats its tacky....

[mst]

Blissful- It is for superstition reasons. I won't have any baby stuff in the house until after the baby is born. I live in an area with a good amount of Jews, so all the of the furniture stores will hold the furniture for you until after the baby is born. Very, very religious people do not even name the baby until about a week after it is born. That is from way back when, to protect yourself if the baby dies.

Since most of my friends/family have handled their births this way, it is the way that I am most comfortable also. I would accept a gift from someone (I would not be rude to someone who did not know), but I am not comfortable celebrating too much before we know the baby is here to stay. It's almost like that first trimester feeling of not wanting to tell in case something happens, but making it last throughout the pregnancy.

[stacy7272]

Originally posted by Lillith


Both!! Why the need to give a gift at a shower when you're going to give one after the baby's born? Same with the engagement/bridal shower/wedding gifts. Sorry to say, I think it all boils down to greed.
I'm starting to feel that way too. I do think that these things originated from wanting to help people get what they need and now that people are doing these things way after they are established they just don't need these things.

I went to a bridal shower for a woman who was already a homeowner and it was hard to find stuff she needed. Gone are the days of buying measuring cups and spoons, blenders and food processors!

I got her a yoga set.:)

[Luv to Cook]

Well sometimes, it doesn't matter what you do, but people will just think you are being greedy. When DH and I got married, he had already bought a house and got alot of housewarming presents...all the kitchen basics...the blender, toaster, dishes, coffemaker, etc. So when we went to register we really did not have much that we needed, so we did not register for much. Anyhow, a few weeks later we start hearing through the grapevine that we didn't register for alot, because we just wanted money. Granted, it was only a few people who thought this, but it couldn't be further from the truth.

[rburganmckinley]

I too think a shower after #1 is tacky. And more than 1 wedding shower is tacky too (I only had a bachlorette party, not a shower). I had one friend who was upset with me because when she had her second child I didn't see her or call her in the hospital and didn't stop by with a gift for a couple weeks. This was after we had had a conversation about the name she picked out (I was bent about that because it was the name I had picked out for my first which I supsequently miscarried). AND at the time she had the baby I was pregnant and at home sick with a cold for close to two weeks. She also seemed to think we should have thrown her a shower for the second. Some people are just different.

I know this'll sound absolutely terrible, but if you can't afford kids (and NEED a shower for each) you should think twice about having them. This is a preventable thing.


Just editing to say, I would give a gift for a second or third child though if it were a close friend or family member. Just not for vague friends such as co-workers.

What about just giving a card seperate from the rest of the group?

[rosie_one]

Just greed? Boy that is assuming the worst. I guess that could be the case under some circumstances, but definitely not all. I never attended my showers, wedding or baby, excited to "get stuff" it was about feeling supported by my friends, co-workers and family. And honestly, I needed that support even more with my 2nd child than I did with my first as I was pretty overwhelmed. I was really grateful that my friends got together. It was very important to me.

I've thrown a 2nd and a 3rd shower for my best friend, different people attended each as she was in different phases of her life and they were quite small, as was mine for my 2nd child. I think it can be a really nice thing. She is adopting her fourth this year and I'm sure we will do something nice again.

[RebeccaT]

I have been thinking about this thread since last week. I agree in theory that second baby showers sort of bug me. However, I have been invited to and attended second showers (am going to one in a couple of weeks for friends who are finally adopting from China, they already have a little boy) and had a lovely time. It seems like it's always the friends who just really want to do something for the mom-to-be and celebrate together. I have never known anyone personally who has campaigned for a second shower or felt entitled to one, although I know those people exist (and they are probably tacky in other areas of their life, not limited to additional baby showers!). So I disagree that it "comes down to greed." I think that maybe it's just friends who really want to celebrate, at least in my experience!

[valchemist]

Originally posted by mst
Blissful- It is for superstition reasons. I won't have any baby stuff in the house until after the baby is born. I live in an area with a good amount of Jews, so all the of the furniture stores will hold the furniture for you until after the baby is born. Very, very religious people do not even name the baby until about a week after it is born. That is from way back when, to protect yourself if the baby dies.



I have never heard of this. It is interesting to me. Usually I think of religion and superstition as being in opposite corners. If you have religion you don't have superstition, and vice versa.

Not saying it is wrong by any means. And I really don't have much opinion as to the whole issue of second showers (I have never had a shower for myself or even attended one and am glad for it. Wedding or Baby. But if others want to do it, it is fine with me and I don't have much opinion.)

anyway, just commenting on meredith's information and not really contributing to the thread! sorry.

[Clover]

Originally posted by RebeccaT
It seems like it's always the friends who just really want to do something for the mom-to-be and celebrate together. I have never known anyone personally who has campaigned for a second shower or felt entitled to one, although I know those people exist (and they are probably tacky in other areas of their life, not limited to additional baby showers!). So I disagree that it "comes down to greed." I think that maybe it's just friends who really want to celebrate, at least in my experience!
I think it's fine when it's friends getting together who want to do this, as you describe. (Actually, I think that's how all showers should be.) But in Lillith's situation the shower is forced on everyone who happens to work there, and they either have to participate or be obvious non-participants.