I am depressed.

[jmarie]

And I am so tired of it.

One would think that admitting it for what it is would make one feel better, but I don't.

Things have happened in the last few weeks and when I think I am over one thing, another happens and I find myself thinking about both. And then another happens and the snowball is rolling.....I feel like my life is spiraling out of control. I had two students getoff the bus at their stop and comment about mow tired I look, did I have a rough weekend.....which I did.

I have followed the advice of others, do something for others...when you do that, you'll feel better, but I don't. Get out more....I did and have been miserable. I can laugh, but when the laugh is over the cloud is there.

I have been on anti-depressants before...but I HATE resorting to that . I keep thinking about things I could have done differently, mistakes I made in my marriage, raising my children and I just cannot get away from it. And I don't want to take the medicine...I feel like such a failure for even considering it...and the thing is that I know it helps...how stupid is this?

I try to participate, but I just want to get it over with...like the Shower, yesterday. As soon as people started leaving, I went and cleaned up all the dishes and got my plates and left. I am angry and sad when I get like this I feel so alone...even when I am with people, I feel so alone.

I just feel like if I could have been a better person, I wouldn't be feeling this way now....and yet I feel I did the best I could do and why wasn't that good enough. I look at everyone around me and I see them enjoying their lives....I feel like it is my fault for dwelling on these things in my mind the way I do...and yet, it is there for me to dwell on. I try to divert my attention, but then it goes right back....

Does anyone ever feel like this? Are you able to get over it without taking medicine. I really do not want to take the medicine. I want to do this on my own, but am just getting sucked in deeper and deeper. :( What do you do to make it better when you start feeling overwhelmed and paralized?

[wallycat]

There are many causes for depression:
genetics, hormones, weather, etc.

You've posted that you've been on meds for this before.
I say, do not walk, RUN....to the doc and get meds again.

I am clueless why mental illness is viewed so negatively and so much more as a "weakness" compared to other illnesses.

You would NEVER hear a diabetic say they felt like they shouldn't use their insulin. You'd never hear someone with strep throat think they ought to hold out taking antibiotics. You'd never hear a person with high blood pressure (who cares and knows) NOT take their meds to lower it.
WHY on earth would you elect to suffer this internal he$$ when you already KNOW that there are drugs that can help you.

GET YOUR *** TO THE DOCTOR!

I hope you feel better soon and please take care of yourself.
Depression (or any other mental illness) is not shameful or weak...it is purely an illness; nothing anyone elects to get, it just happens.
DEAL!

[PAMMELA]

Joyce, I'm sorry you're feeling this way. I have never taken medication for depression but I do know that sometimes it's due to a chemical imbalance in your body and the meds do work! Meaning it's not something that you can just get over on your own. If the medication makes you feel better, and you know it, then I would take it. It's nothing to be ashamed of and in no way makes you a failure.

Editing to add I was posting the same time as Wallycat, but she said it best: GET YOUR *** TO THE DOCTORS!

[Beth]

Hey, stop kicking yourself! Unless black and blue are your favorite colors, what do you stand to gain? How would you ever learn or grow if you went through life not making mistakes or not having hard times? And don't add to it by feeling like you're a failure for getting overwhelmed.

Yes, Joyce, I think everyone has times when they are overwhelmed or feel like they are running out in front or a growing snowball. Most folks won't wear it on their sleeve though. Realizing that you are not alone or unique is important.

I probably shouldn't have started a reply until I had time to finish it, but I just looked at the clock and saw that I REALLY need to leave right now to take my son to a scout meeting. I will be back, and I'm sure will be added befreo I return -- but I had to try tyo stop that foot swinging befroe I left. ;)

[RobinC]

Personally, I have accepted that I need to take anti-depressants, probably for the rest of my life. I was diagnosed with chemical depressions several years ago and have finally come to realize that I am better on medication than off medication. It's also taken me several years to get over the preceived stigma of taking the medications. Taking medication is not a mark of failure.

I have found that many people, including myself, have fallen in to an ugly cycle of stopping the meds when they feel better. I started the medication, felt better, wondered if the meds were actually "doing anything", thought I was fine, wanted to be a "normal person" which to me meant not taking medication, stopped the medication, was fine for a while (as it worked out of my system), got severely depressed, then started the cycle over again.

I have spent a lot of time learning what triggers my depression. One thing that I have learned is that I cannot take on other people's problems. I can have empathy for bad situations, but it is not my responsibility to fix them. I can be a resource. I can provide support. I can offer help. But, it is not my responsibility to fix problems out of my control.

When I do get overwhelmed with life, which does happen to me despite my best efforts, I first remind myself that I can work through it. I also step back and look at what issues/factors are causing me to feel that way. I have to work to analyze the issues and determine if they are in or out of my control. I have to let go of what is out of my control (for my own sanity).

How do you define what it means to "be a good person"? Have you questioned whether or not it is achievable?

Going into therapy with a psychiatrist (who monitored my medications) was the best thing I ever did. The most important thing that I learned was how to question and analyze the my logic that leads me to believe that I am a "bad person".

I am greatful there are medications out there for depression. I hate to think where I would be without them.

[colleency]

(((Joyce)))

I don't understand the need to not take the meds. :confused: Depression isn't because you're a bad person; it's a condition that can be helped with meds. Perhaps if you are feeling like you shouldn't take meds, you need to find someone to talk to...a professional who can help you understand.

I just heard an interview with Brooke Sheilds. She said that she had very bad postpartum depression, but she didn't want to admit it. Her doctor finally convinced her to take meds, and she got better. The problem was, she got better so quickly, she didn't think it was the meds and stopped taking them. She very quickly became much, much worse than she had been before. Luckily, she got back on the meds.

Please go talk to your doctor.

[Robyn1007]

Hi Joyce,

First off, its okay to have these feelings and its good that you recognize that you have a problem and need help. As far as medication goes, its not a bad thing! My only advice would be to get counseling to help too! Please don't wait, get help now. You are in my thoughts.

Robyn

[Blissful_in_TX]

How interesting, I almost posted something so similar yesterday. I’m definitely depressed now.
- DH is deployed. I can’t even begin to explain in what ways this has all affected me.
- I’m staying with my mom, but we are like oil and water (I actually had a post related to that a week or two ago).
- BUT I also have an extremely high-maintenance 1-year-old who cries and cries and cries despite my best efforts, so staying with my mom is actually better than being alone with DS (in which case I would have thrown myself out the window by now!)
- My very beloved dog is having surgery tomorrow, again. We spent over $2,000 cumulatively trying to fix another problem which we just found out didn’t work so we’ll have to do that one again after this surgery. (and then pray and hope it works this time???)

So sorry, I didn’t mean to take away from your post….but my point is Yes, I feel like that too. I think it would help a ton if I had some real friends, but I guess that's what happens when you've moved around as much as I have. I was on medicine for a couple months but then I started having such dizzy spells that I couldn’t even walk (among other things). Even though I don’t think the medicine was the cause, I stopped taking everything to see if there was some sort of side effect taking place.

I’ll be keeping my eyes on this post as well!

[Kay Henderson]

Joyce--

I have no useful advice to offer, just to say that I am so sorry that you are having to go through this unhappy period.

You are a treasured member of this board and I know that I am not the only person who is hoping that you find whatever works for you!

Kay

[moonbeam]

Life is way too precious to continue to feel the way you do. Meds are not a sign of failure, or a sign that you are not good enough, or that you have done something wrong. I have been a worrier all my life (yes, I can remember way back to 3rd grade worrying that I only had 3 more years in elementary school). Anxiety lead to depression and I do feel that I missed out on many joyful moments because of worrying and sadness. I too have gone on and off meds, because of pregnancy and breastfeeding. I can honestly say that being on meds allows me to see the joyful, beautiful things in my life. I appreciate life so much more, and I think that that is a form of worship to God. I also believe that if we can thank God for the miracles of modern medicine, depression medication is one of those things to be thanful for. Please go see your doctor, and know that you are not alone.

Kim

[AD]

This is all very familiar to me. I've suffered various levels of depression throughout my life. I could go on and on about my experinces with antidepressant medication over the past six or seven years in my life.

As a fellow believer in Christ, I would encourage you first to seek Christian counseling. Maybe you could discuss the issue of medication with him or her before getting the medication. Then you would feel better about taking it.

My mother has suffered a lot of depression, and she was too scared of the side effects and expenses to take any medication. I wish she would, because I know she could be feeling a lot better.

My mother and I know exactly how you feel, and you'll be in our prayers!

[mbrogier]

I think a lot of Christian counselors erroneously believe that depression medications are wrong because they think depression is a spiritual issue. It can be, but I also think a lot more people have chemical imbalances than a lot of people realize. I have chemical imbalances. Mine affect me in physical ways such as heart palpitations (160 resting heartrate, anyone?), perimenopause at 27, fibromyalgia with insomnia... My doctor caught all of this and put me on Welbutrin. I was on Zoloft for my heart in college, but I didn't like the side effects. The Welbutrin does wonders. I feel like a whole new person. Since I can "see" the results, it isn't hard for me to take the pills. If I don't take the pills for a day or two, BOY do I tell a difference.

If taking medication helps you, take it. That doesn't mean that you don't deal with your problems. Don't use the pills to avoid reality, use them to help you embrace reality. We all have things that we wish we woulda coulda shoulda done better. It's called being human. Find a way to put the past in the past for good. Concentrate on making each day better and enjoying your life.

I hope you feel better soon! Hugs to you, Joyce!

(((Bliss)))

[RobinC]

mbrogier, I take wellbutrin as well. I had been on Prozac for YEARS then just switched to Wellbutrin 2 months ago. Wow can I tell a difference. I notice a differece so quickly that this is the longest I've gone with never missing a dose. It's amazing how much my quality of life has improved. :D

[Beth]

I'm back.

I wanted to add that, while I would not jump to meds either (I only took a few anti-depressants after being talked into it for pain treatment -- I've never felt worse, and quickly stopped them), you have to find what you need to feel better. It may be a question of meds or no meds, but it may also be an issue of which med(s), which sombination, how much and how they are taken. The very best medicine of all is working with a doctor you trust and who trusts you and learning how to make you be your best.

The key is learning to take care of yourself, and only you can do that. You have to learn whether you need meds and how to take them to take care of yourself. You have to get counseling if that is what you need to get past the feelings of being defeated by that, feelings about not being the person you would rather be, about not taking on more than you can handle -- for yourself or others, and about learning to let yourself off the hook sometimes. It's as simple as learning to walk -- one step at a time, but with all the complexity life has to offer.

It may be difficult, but you should only feel good about taking care of yourself. Let go of the past mistakes. Don't let them pull you down -- let them form the foundation for your growth and better tomorrows. Take it one step at a time.

Blissful, I feel for you too. I had a baby who screamed, not cried, for months. That was the first set of experiences that convinced DH and I both that there was a reason God gave babies 2 parents. I hope your dog will be cured with tomorrow's surgery and will heal quickly and smoothly. Keep your eye on the goal and know that there is a payoff for all that you are dealing with now. Hang in there!

[Beth]

Originally posted by mbrogier
If taking medication helps you, take it. That doesn't mean that you don't deal with your problems. Don't use the pills to avoid reality, use them to help you embrace reality. We all have things that we wish we woulda coulda shoulda done better. It's called being human. Find a way to put the past in the past for good. Concentrate on making each day better and enjoying your life.

Very well said. :)

[newtricks]

Joyce - I'm sorry you're feeling this way! And I'm glad you turned to us for help. I believe taking action, any action, is a great way to help yourself when you're depressed.

I also strongly believe in meds. As many have already said depression is a physical illness. The chemicals in the brain get out of whack and the meds really help that. Depression turns us away from what we love - people, activities, even our faith. That doesn't happen because of "weakness" it happens because of "illness".

I hope you have a doctor that you trust and that you will call her/him today and talk about this.

((Joyce))

[stefania4]

Joyce, I'm so sorry you're feeling this way. I know how scary and alone it feels.

I just started anti-depressants for the first time ever about four months ago. DH finally sat me down one day and told me he felt like he was living with a stranger, and he didn't know what had happened to his energetic, outgoing, opinionated wife. He was terribly concerned - left unchecked, that downward slope becomes very slippery, very fast and leads people to some serious problems when they try to self-medicate with alcohol, food, shopping, solitude, etc.

I figured that I don't think twice about taking antibiotics when my immune system is overwhelmed, and I shouldn't think twice about taking antidepressants when my coping mechanisms are overwhelmed. No, the meds don't change anything - my grandmother is still in hospice and my dear friend is still a chronic alcoholic who can't get through rehab and my financial issues haven't resolved themselves. But I don't have the crying jags anymore, I don't want to stay in bed all day, and I can get things done at work, and those three things were really all I was looking for.

Please keep us posted and know that you're not alone.

[donleyk]

(((Joyce)))
(((Blissful)))

Ladies,

Just want to send my hugs along to you both.

There are new meds out there Joyce, maybe they'll work better for you now. There's no shame in needing a little help.

[jmarie]

First of all, I want to thank each of you for your responses. This board is such a caring place... you all just really touched my heart. It was difficult for me to re-open the thread for fear of what I might read, but someone advised me that it was a safe thing to do. (thank you)

I appreciate knowing that I am not alone in this. Not that misery necessarily loves company, but after reading your posts elsewhere and coming to have a respect for you, it makes it a little easier knowing that I am not so different.

I don't mind the mental illness part or the chemical imbalance part of it....or even being called a Moron...however, one of my great fears is that these medicines haven't been tested for that many years and that what if taking them causes Alzeheimers disease or some other neurological disease further down the road.

I have sought Christian counseling in the past...and I have taken the anti-depressants in the past...and both helped. But if I have to keep revisiting this...then I felt/hoped that something different might help. And no, suicide would never be an option for me.

I am going to try to deal for a while longer and then if it doesn't get better, I will make an appointment.

Sometimes I wonder if the lot of YOU, realize how important you are to the likes of me. Little things such as a kind word or a bit of advice, can go so far. You and others like you on this board/forum, are what this place is all about.

God bless you and I will let you know what I decide, when I do....
Thanks again.
joyce

[clairea]

I hope you find peace and comfort in a way you are comfortable with.

Claire

[Beth]

Joyce, as someone whose life was greatly improved by taking Vioxx for 4 years, but as someone who also wonders if it might have changed my body chemistry in such a way that it could have had any role in my low potassium and passing out at the wheel 2 years ago, I truly understand your concerns about not knowing everything that a medication may do over the long haul. But I know what my life would be and wouldn't be if I didn't have the medications I need. I am trying to take less Celebrex and more of a new muscle relaxer (still not that much) to lessen the possibility of a problem with negative side effects.

I don't think that people who truly need antidepressants can take medications on an as needed basis. But you can try to take the least amount that is needed and study to find what works best. Believe me, I have had to take the driver's seat for much of what I have learned and am very grateful to have a doctor who now works with me very well to keep me going in the right directions. I don't think you can just go into an office and say, "Doc, cure me," with the same results as taking an active role in your own care. That's not to slight doctors -- but you have to be part of the team or they may hear things you aren't meaning to say and not get where you want to go.

Regardless, I would not be too concerned about antidepressants and Alzheimers. I don't believe that anyone I have known to have the disease has ever taken a single dose of an anti-depressant (my mom, MIL and great aunt among them). The plaque and knarling that occurs does not seem to have a relation to the actions of the medications. They do believe there may be a genetic tendency, but that could also be environmental or dietary similarities as well.

Our grandchildren will look back on many of the things we do and wonder how we could have done them, but that can't keep us from living our lives the best we can now. Listen to your heart and your own mind. No one knows you better. Take the best care of yourself, mind and body, that you can right now. You can make changes as you go, but you can't go back and live the days you lost to fear of the unknown.

[beckms]

Joyce, I have several very close family members who have struggled with depression, so I have seen how immensely difficult it is to manage. I have also seen how wonderful drugs can be...I hope you find a fitting solution that makes you feel better.

Depression doesn't just affect one person; it affects the entire family. It's really scary and heart-wrenching to watch a loved one go through this, because it makes you feel so helpless. Getting help is not only therapeutic for you, but for those around you who want so badly to help make you feel better but just don't know how.

Best wishes.:)

[mbrogier]

Joyce, I think SSRI drugs are pretty safe. (note: I am not a doctor, but I have done lots of research and wanted to be a doctor.) Seratonin uptake drugs (SSRIs) regulate a natural occuring drug in the brain. Drugs of this kind have been on the market for at least 20 years, the newer ones have been working out the side effects that people don't like but aren't dangerous (sexual, weight gain, etc.) Some people (like me) have a hard time maintaining a natural level of seratonin, so the drug helps. I feel a lot better being on this drug than I would be taking a sleep aid. My doctor tries to keep me off of as many medicines as possible because I MUST take so many for stroke prevention. He is very happy with the Welbutrin because it does so much for so little side effects and effects on other bodily functions. (I just realized that Paxil is an SSRI, so my psycho feelings were probably an overdose since I was on it and Welbutrin at the same time :rolleyes: $#$%## ER.)

I'm glad you're feeling better. It is nice to know others care doesn't it? I have a support network, and it really kept me from slipping off the deep end on occaision.

[slawrence]

Joyce, first of all, I want to say CHEERS TO YOU for feeling 'safe' enough to share your struggles with this board. Depression/anxiety is hard enough, much less to be feeling so alone with no where to turn. I'm glad the board did what the board does....came through for you with hugs and shoulders and advice and just being there. It says a lot for you and this board. Second, some of us need a little more help now and then. It's so normal anymore...with all the stress, etc we have to endure on a regular basis. I remember after my first (ahem, of two) divorce feeling so sad and desperate. I was on Prozac and it was necessary for the time. I eventually went off and went back on later for something else. I think it showed me that I was willing to reach out and get the help available. I have a friend staying with me right now while her long-term (engaged) relationship is falling apart and she feels so disgarded. I know it is a low point in her life but I can honestly say, the rough times have certainly defined me and made me stronger and happier. You will be ok. Please continue to share with us; let us give you the hugs you might be needing; we can be the sounding board for you (not just the 'cooking' board, tee hee)......Take care! Sue

[Cookin4Love]

Originally posted by jmarie
...however, one of my great fears is that these medicines haven't been tested for that many years and that what if taking them causes Alzeheimers disease or some other neurological disease further down the road. joyce

I don't have much time to post right now, so I'll limit myself to just this idea for right now. You've probably read my posts elsewhere about how I came to a decision to take HRT. I think this is a similar struggle you're having. The bottom line, for me, is that I don't KNOW how many years I have--my days are already numbered by the Lord and I live in His hands. I might not live long enough to worry about breast cancer or heart disease. Now, I'm not saying that I don't take every action I can right now to stay healthy--including free of cancer and heart disease.

However, I AM living a life right NOW! This life--the one I'm living today--trumps the one I might or might not have 30 or 40 years down the road. Without HRT, I become suicidally depressed. My quality of life is absolutely zero. HRT made an immediate and drastic improvement. I got my life--the one I'm living right now--back. If I knew that HRT would take 10 or even 20 years off of my life, I'd still take it, because without it, I don't live much of a life at all.

The point, as I'm sure you know since you're a smart woman, is this: if you trust your prescribing doctor to know what he's doing, and meds have helped you in the past, why give up your pleasure in living now for fear of what might or might not happen later? Don't let any more days slip by, please. Go back to your doctor and talk this over. Pretty please?

[Beth]

I thought about this thread and one more thing after I left last night, Joyce. When my neck problems get worse (whether from being tired and negelecting them or from falling or getting a jolt somehow), the sooner I heed the warning signs, the better I can get things back in line. I used to push further until a physical therapist started talking to me about letting the pain snowball and how much harder it is to peel off all those layers down the road.

I mention this because I can imagine that it would be similar for other conditions -- and with depression, you are not just takling about getting the medication right to get things under control, but also this whole host of feelings about it, yourself, your relationships that you keep doubting yourself and kicking yourself with. Cookin' is right -- none of us know how many days we have left. What you do know is that you are here today and today will be lost if you don't embrace it now. Have faith, take charge. They are not inconsistent.

[annagins]

Joyce, what about talk therapy? Talk therapy can help you deal with your emotions and when you start dealing with your emotions, your brain kind of "rewires" itself....at least in some cases. Maybe you should go this route and then if you *do* need drugs, work in conjunction with a therapist and a psychiatrist (note: not just your family doctor) to get the treatment you need. Based on all the ads we see and pushes from certain drug companies, you'd think everyone in the world needs them. Let a therapist help you decide.

Anyway. I think you know what you need to do. I just wanted chime in and give you some support. :)

[Peggy]

(((Joyce)))

You've been given some great advice already. Just wanted you to know that I care and will be thinking about you and praying for you.

HUGS!:)

Peggy