Insight regarding a failing elder

[Kay Henderson]

My mother, now 94, has failed mightily in the last two years. She still lives at home, but with the assistance of 24 hour care.

Yesterday, I was able to take her out and about to the nearby shopping center. It was a perfect Central Valley day and my mom was very much enjoying being out.

As I pushed her around, I was suddenly overcome with intense sadness. "I just want to cry and never stop," my heart said.

My head responded, "Get a grip, girl. Seeing the physical and often mental decline of one's parents is very common to people your age and, indeed, part of the work of being middle aged. Further, how about what you have to be thankful for? For example, due to your parents' fiscal prudence, your mother has plenty of resources to fund the 24 hour care she now needs."

My heart responded,

"ButI still feel sad."

Then it came to me. I am not weak, or muddled to grieve over what is lost and will never return. Neither do these feelings deny that I am fortunate that my parents were so fiscally prudent that I am not in a situation to have to say to my siblings, "OK, each of us needs to contribute $1000 each month toward our mother's care."

I can legitimitely hold both mourning and gratitude thoughts at the same time.

Just wanted to share.

Kay

[Jazzmatazz49]

I'm facing the same thoughts with my almost 80-year-old parents. I keep thinking how hard it will be for the one who is left after one is gone. I even find myself trying to figure out which parent would have an easier time being alone! It's never easy to see the people who raised you becoming the ones who need to be cared for. All of us who are lucky enough to have a parent have to face it, don't we.

[eas11]

Originally posted by Kay Henderson
My mother, now 94, has failed mightily in the last two years. She still lives at home, but with the assistance of 24 hour care.

Yesterday, I was able to take her out and about to the nearby shopping center. It was a perfect Central Valley day and my mom was very much enjoying being out.

As I pushed her around, I was suddenly overcome with intense sadness. "I just want to cry and never stop," my heart said.

My head responded, "Get a grip, girl. Seeing the physical and often mental decline of one's parents is very common to people your age and, indeed, part of the work of being middle aged. Further, how about what you have to be thankful for? For example, due to your parents' fiscal prudence, your mother has plenty of resources to fund the 24 hour care she now needs."

My heart responded,

"ButI still feel sad."

Then it came to me. I am not weak, or muddled to grieve over what is lost and will never return. Neither do these feelings deny that I am fortunate that my parents were so fiscally prudent that I am not in a situation to have to say to my siblings, "OK, each of us needs to contribute $1000 each month toward our mother's care."

I can legitimitely hold both mourning and gratitude thoughts at the same time.

Just wanted to share.

Kay

You are so right, and said it so beautifully as well.
Thanks, Kay.

[jmarie]

This is something those of us, middle aged, face every day. Before my dad died, he was adamant about the fact that there were some things "worse than death". At age 74, he felt that he had lived his life and that no extraordinary measures should ever be taken...Even when it was thought that he might have kidney cancer, he said he would not do any chemo or radiation. As it turned out that kidney was dead and just needed to be removed. We still lost him later that year.

My mom is 81, and we are blessed to still have her around, sound of mind although a bit weak of body. I want her end to be swift when that time arrives.....However, when all is said and done, it is difficult to imagine what my life will be like when she is gone.

I think our parents did a good job in raising us, when we ponder these things with sadness rather than just feeling put out by them.
I wish your mom/parents/you happiness. Enjoy what time there is left.
Joyce

[ChristieinMB]

I hear you loud and clear, my inlaws are elderly my MIL has Alzheimer's. Her, I enjoy, she is different now, but her personality is still there though, MY FIL is the complainer, I get tired of his complaints while his wife is losing her mind, he doesn't appreciate what he does have. Oh well, it is a good lesson for us to see how people react to what life brings them. It is teaching us around them what is important in life.
Kay, I know it is sad, but I always tell people to appreciate them, both my parents died young. Cherish the time... I know you do.
Christie

[Schmee]

Kay, I'm so sorry that you are going through this. My father died when I was 18 but I fear this happening to my mom (but not for a long time still)

My grandfather has been getting steadily worse; cancer, alzheimer's, emphaszema, you name it. My grandparents usually do the 6month split between Michigan and Florida but he had to go into an assisted home 24 hours and he can't ever come out again. He is too weak to make the trip home and I fear that I may never see him again because I really can't afford to fly down there right now. I worry about my Nana too, she is handling so much right now all by herself.

I know it is sad for you, but try to enjoy your time with your mom while you still have it.

[Beth]

Kay, I have thought about posting about parent issues recently too. For me, it is both parents, and they are just in their 70s. They are moving on Saturday -- I hope.

I'm happy to help them with what I can, and I would help them more if I didn't have 2 boys now out of school for the summer. I've even put off having my house painted and my kitchen redo planning to help them get moved and make their new house a home.

I've dropped everything to be there for them so many times, and I'll be there when they need me -- but I feel like a total heel when I've commented to a couple of people about my concerns for my dad's health. He has had a productive cough for some time now and won't see a doctor. Last year, he was almost combative and irrational at times -- I think that was dealing with My mom's Alzheimer's diagnosis, but at the time, I wondered if he might be showin signs of Alzheimer's himself (change of personlaity, short term memory loss). The cough has me worried about the possibility of lung cancer -- he was a smoker for many years and up until about 10 years ago.

If my mom can't get him to go see a doctor, I sure can't. He's a man who hardly takes an asprin and who doesn't talk about health issues much at all. I think all his energy is focussed on dealing with getting into a new house and getting my mom situated. It has occurred to me that my dad may have his own plan not to be without her. They've been married for 52+ years, and since my dad started his business more than 40 years ago, they've been together at home and at work.

On the one hand, I want my parents and my kid's grandparents here for so much longer and feel it is so unfair to see them fading before me now; but on the other, I know my mom has a disease we cannot cure and my dad may follow. If he might have lung cancer, I would want him to fight it, but I know he would not want that battle and would not want to take himself away from my mother. How can I fight him on that? How can I fight him on his personal choices at the end of his life, period? Does that make me a bad person?

I'm grateful my parents have the ability to still care for themselves and that money hasn't been an issue for them so far and doesn't appear to be becoming one. I'm glad I'm close by for them and that the new house is a bot closer to us instead of further away. I'm grateful that we moved back here 6-1/2 years ago and the boys have known their grandparents and my parents known the boys over that time. I'm glad they can see promise in those young boys, but it tears me up to think they are not likely to see either of them out of high school -- maybe not even into high school. Maybe, though, just maybe, they will see my oldest become an eagle scout -- about 2 years out. I hope for it, but I'm not really expecting it right now.

[jmarie]

{{{{{{{{{{{{{Kay, Christie, Beth, Jazz and Schmee}}}}}}}}}}}}}}
You are all wonderful...Your parents are blessed to have you for children.
Joyce

[stefania4]

What a beautiful and - for me - timely thought. How fortunate your mother is to have a daughter that regularly visits and takes her out into the sunshine!

My grandmother died a little over a week ago, days before her 91st birthday. My mother, sister, and I had an experience similar to yours; heads saying "She's ready to go, she has lived a full and beautiful life" and hearts saying "but I don't want her to go."

Just to share something that may be useful later... I once believed that the standard "of course your unconscious/unresponsive relative knew you were there" was simply a platitude, but I'm now a believer. I flew up to visit Grandma for a long weekend a month ago, when she still had moments of consciousness (she didn't have any diagnoses, she simply died of being old). The first day I sat by her wheelchair and kept my hand on her shoulder or her knee and talked to her. Sometimes here eyes were open, sometimes not.

The second day I was there when the nurse wheeled her back from lunch. She was sound asleep, snoring even. I sat by her chair and put my hand on hers and thanked her for being such a wonderful grandmother, for setting a great example, and so on. When I thanked her for adopting my mother I started to cry; sound asleep, she turned her hand over so that I could hold it.

Later, after I had come back to Atlanta, my mother went to visit. She told Grandma how nice her flowers from me still looked, and how happy I was that we'd been able to spend some time together. Then she said, "Wasn't it nice having her here?" and, very uncharacteristically, Grandma reached out to take her hand.

I hope that your time with your mother continues to be special and valuable for both of you.

[rosie_one]

Steph, I'm sorry for the loss of your Grandma... I miss mine everyday too. Kay, thanks for starting this thread, as always you have such a great perspective on things and put it into words so well.

I'm just at the beginning of this journey with my parents and already I see the bittersweetness of it. It's so hard to let go of what they were as they change sometimes. It's like you miss them even though they are still there, which seems wrong somehow.

This year, at 63, my mom went through a successful thyroid cancer removal (she's disease free now and has an excellent prognosis) and my dad kind of came unhinged. I think as a life long smoker he assumed for sure that he would go first and this really shook him. He was laid off this week too. Crappy, 22 years of hard work at a firm and they just tell him to go home one morning. They should be o.k. financially, but I still worry about them. Insurance is going to be incredibly tough. 30 years of this plus more, give or take a decade, is coming. My dad was always my rock, the safety net, and I can see that I get to be the rock in the family now, especially for him. I'm there, I can do it, but I sure am missing that sense of security. Part of growing up. I guess I'm still doing that.

The balance of all this is that my kids are getting cooler, more competent and more fun to talk to and be with every single day. I'm really looking forward to having those relationships grow and get stronger and then eventually have them shake their heads over my crazy old ladyness.

[KimE]

((Kay))
You put it so well. I lost my Mom when she was only 58. My father is now 83 and getting "forgetful". I went the other day to mow his lawn and really felt the same way you did with your mother. In fact I cried all the way home. I think it really was for both of them, my mom for dying so young and my father for getting so old.
It is really getting harder & harder.
(((()))))))

Kim

[Laura]

My family went through a long-extended illness with my mom who had dementia and had suffered a minor stroke. While if she had been younger she could have easily regained her ability to walk, I think she was just too tired and so was essentially bed ridden for the last year of year of her life (meaning she was helped from bed to chair to wheel chair etc.) My dad hired caregivers to stay at the house 14 hours a day. About a 3 months after my mom had died I went to visit my dad. We were talking about death/life/heaven etc. and he told me that he didn't know what heaven was like, but the last year of my mom's life was the closest thing he ever experienced. That really took me by surprise as I always viewed it as a very difficult time for my parents, but really, it was all about love. Her eyes lit up as soon as he would come in the room, and he loved being able to do things for here. It really gave me a different perspective on how I viewed my parents in their declining years.

[RebeccaT]

Originally posted by Laura
That really took me by surprise as I always viewed it as a very difficult time for my parents, but really, it was all about love.

This really hit home for me this past weekend. I went to visit my 89-year-old grandfather and 78 year-old grandmother, who were both in the rehab hospital while g-dad recovers from hip replacement surgery. They have been married for almost 56 years. She has stayed with him since his surgery, in the hospital and now in the rehab facility, never once even considering going home to her own bed. She is a woman on a mission... helping him get to the bathroom at night, helping him in physical therapy, helping him helping him... it is her purpose. And she is doing it with such joy, and he accepts her help with such reverence and appreciation (and a little good-natured ribbing, because it's his personality to tease!) It was remarkable to watch. DH was with me, and I looked over at him at one point and said "Someday I'll do this for you," and he said "Or I'll get to do it for you." And we just smiled.

It is difficult, though, to watch your loved ones age in this way. I am fortunate that, at age 31, I still have three living grandparents. It is getting hard, though, as I know that time is getting shorter and shorter. I feel very blessed to have known them in my adult years, since now I can appreciate them so much more than when I was a child and I took them for granted.

Thanks, Kay. :)

[Kay Henderson]

I have been really moved by the responses to my post. Thank you for sharing and giving me such food for thought.

Kay

[Wendy w]

((((((((((Kay and Everyone))))))))))

I have been lurking on this thread but hesitant to post sooner, because I don't have the right words and tears in my eyes.

My own Mother is 85. She lived on her own until a couple of years ago and started doing goofy things, like forgetting to pay bills, taking rides from strangers home from the store because she couldn't find her car, not buying food, among other things. We were getting phone calls from other people saying that she was with them and lost.

My sister and I had to intervene and took her around to visit assisted living facilities. She didn't want to go, but we told her that she had to try it for 6 months. After 3 weeks there, she hit a nurse and had to be hospitalized for 2. After her hospitalization, she seemed better.

The following fall, she had a stroke (on the weekend when the in-house nurse was off), they sent her to the ER without instructions (they thought that she just fell) :mad:. It wasn't until Monday that they found that she had a stroke (or 2) and is now paralyzed on her right hand side. We hated the rehab hospital that the hospital sent her to, and found a really good board and care facility where she has been for over a year.

I visit every week, and she has her good and bad days. Sometimes she's mean, and others, very sweet. Sometimes she knows I'm her daughter and others she thinks I'm her sister, to whom she hasn't spoken to in over 20 years.

I am standing back and looking at how I want to live the 2nd half of my life. I will be honest and say that she wasn't a saint, that our relationship was bittersweet, she could be very critical of my sisters and me, but then she could be wonderful and supportive during difficult times.

This was a woman who was considered very beautiful up until her stroke, has a lot of resources (a good retirement and a house that is now worth $$$$ even in its falling down state) but spent her life being unhappy (lots of baggage and bitterness about her divorce from my dad) and complaining. Right before her stroke, she had been expressing regrets about her life.

I just feel very sad for her, that she didn't kick up her heels more, had no interests and joy in her life. The last couple of years have given me a new perspective on life.

[donnamp14]

I can write now that I have stopped crying. Reading these posts opened the floodgates for me today. My Dad died at 55, and Mom is now 85, with Alzheimers, in a locked unit in a wonderful nursing home nearby. When I visit I find myself getting tense as I walk in the front door, because I don't know how she will "be". Sunday the weather was gorgeous and I asked her if she wanted to go for a ride. She was thrilled at the chance and I took her all over, looking at farms and trees, and even stopping for an ice cream. She was positively delighted.

But she had no idea who I was.

It hit me like a ton of bricks as I was driving. She was asking if I was married. Had I ever had children. Did I work? She was trying to figure out who I was, without letting on. Finally I said, "Mom, it's me. Donna." She didn't understand until we came to my house and she recognized my HUSBAND! She always knows him, even when she doesn't know me.

She had a lovely afternoon, and for that I am grateful. She is happy, most times, and safe. But I have lost a big part of her. It's hard, but I keep thanking God for the good times we had. She had 3 great kids, has 8 grandchildren, and had a good life. Still, it's hard.

Thanks for "listening".

-Donna

[Wendy w]

((((((((Donna)))))))

[donnamp14]

Wendy- We could be sisters! Right down to the fall! The hospitalization, rides from strangers, not eating, short time in an assisted living facility (where there was very little assistance) and most of all the 85 year old woman who is sometimes sweet and sometimes, well, not so sweet! I try to laugh, and usually I can. But reading these posts just did me in. Yours, especially.

To her everlasting credit, she wears her Red Sox hat whenever we go out. She remembers the important stuff, I guess. LOL!


((Wendy))

-Donna

[Beth]

Originally posted by donnamp14
To her everlasting credit, she wears her Red Sox hat whenever we go out. She remembers the important stuff, I guess. LOL!

:D I think DH will go down with a Braves cap on. :p

Just needed to say again that I have appreciated this thread and knowing that others are out there with all the mixed emotions, trials and tribulations.

I just got back from my parent's closing on the new house -- going to start lining shelves and try to start unpacking the kitchen momentarily. We saw my MIL slide each time we had to move her. This move wil be a bit different for my mom since they are still in their own home and doing mostly for themselves. I hope the change won't overwhelm her too much.