Blue 6 year old...

[leightx]

Maybe some of you will have some advice...

My daughter Abigial will be 6 in a couple of weeks, and is starting 1st grade in the fall. Tonight, out of nowhere, she went on for almost an hour about how absolutely miserable her school life is, and she's currently upstairs crying herself to sleep. :(

This is soooo out of the ordinary for her - she is normally reserved and quiet, but not at all moody or sad. Her list of complaints tonight: 1st grade will be hard; she is not smart; recess is no fun; she doesn't have any friends; her music teacher picks everyone else but her; lunch is the only fun part of the day ( :p ); she won't know anyone else in her class; her teacher won't like her; she can't read as well as everyone else; she doesn't know how to subtract; etc....

I'm just not sure how to handle this - or if I should really even worry about it. I mean, I remember feeling this way, like the whole world was against me, in middle school - but 1st grade?!?! I tried very hard to listen to what she was saying instead of blowing her off, and we talked about some things to do so that she would feel better. The funny thing is - she's the one of the 2 best readers in her grade (they stopped testing her at a 3rd grade level), and she is generally a very bright kid. I'm not sure why she is suddenly so panicked about school. She is extremely shy, but it seems like she made a few good friends in kindergarten, and when I asked her teacher how she was doing socially, she reassured me that Abby had made several friends and they played at recess, sat together at lunch, etc. Academics have never been an issue at all, and she'll be in the gifted program next year (although we don't really talk about it with her).

Is this something to worry about? Perhaps see if the talk continues and maybe call the counselor at school? I actually did talk to a child psychologist (me alone, without her) when she was 4, since her preschool teacher was a little concerned about her adjusting socially in kindergarten. The psychologist gave me some ideas to help Abby become more comfortable, but it really just didn't seem to be an issue this year during school.

Has anyone been through this before with a little one? It almost sounds like she's depressed! Of course it could be just a bad day, but this is so totally out of the ordinary for her that I'm a bit worried.

[Kathy B]

Hi, Leigh! My DD is 11, and although I don't recall her crying about it, she has expressed fears every year at the end of the school year that the next grade would be "too hard" and that she liked whatever grade she was in better. I actually remember having some fears myself in elementary school that I didn't "know enough" to be in the next grade.

I usually just try to help her put it in perspective. ALL of her friends from this year will be in the same boat. It is normal to feel a little nervous when we don't know what to expect. All of her friends are probably feeling a little anxious, too, but they will all move up together and learn about first grade together. She is bound to have a few of her classmates in her new class with her. Remember before she started kindergarten? She didn't know anything about being a kindergartener, and yet she did great! Things like that. If you know anything about the first grade teachers (Sally had Mrs. Jones and she really liked her) that would be good to tell her about as well.

It may be that she has just been stewing about it as kindergarten ended, and she has just worked herself up by thinking of all the negatives. I imagine it will probably resolve with some reassurance and matter-of-fact attitude from you, but if not, you could always call the school and see if they would allow a mini-tour on a day when one of the first grade teachers is there. Just talking with one of them and hearing a little about what they will get to do now that they are big first graders may go a long way towards easing her mind. (And yours!) :)

[Beth]

Sounds like she sets high expectations for herself. Both of my boys have times when they can be hard on themselves, and they are both bright kids too. It could be a simple as missing school and feeling like kindergarten was a million years ago and wondering what first grade will be like -- entering big girl school. ;)

Make sure you aren't adding to her stress and help her build confindence in herself and her abilities. Don't push her to make certain grades or beat everyone else, just teach her to focus on learning and doing her best. Try to keep her thinking of learning as a challenge -- a fun exploration rather than a race. Take time to read with her and praise her on how well she is doing -- take turns reading so she can enjoy both reading for you and listening to you.

Is she getting together with any of her school friends? That might help -- even if the time is not spent doing anything remotely related to school. She could be lonely. Could she be bored and her little idle mind have too much time so she is thinking and turning to worrying? Have you been to any of the museums of the zoo? Especially if you talk to her about things you see and do wherever you go this summer, she can feel her wheels still turning and maybe she'll feel more connected.

Also look for opportunities to turn a meal preparation, driving to the store, grocery shopping, baking some cookies or sharing a treat as a way to talk about things and possibly play with some math without her really thinking about it. Then you can point it out to her what she has just done or learned.

You can get grade level workbooks, but that might reinforce the message that she's not smart enough, not ready or whatever right now. Keepp it light and easy.

Also, the more gifted a child is, the easier it is for them to feel isolated. If they don't think, talk or react like other kids, their young minds see that as a bad thing -- they don't fit. They can interpret being smarter as being stupid. As they get older, they tend to get into larger classrooms, larger schools and larger programs -- giving them the opportunity to find and meet more children they have more in common with. And they develop more maturity to deal with the differences. Some of it just takes time and patience. Good luck, and be sure to give her lots of hugs in the morning (at least one for me ;)).

[Cookin4Love]

{{{Leigh and Abigail}}}

I think this is pretty normal, but it's hard to watch them go through it. My DGD is in the same boat. She's way ahead of her class in every way, but still worried about doing well. She's an absolute friend magnet, but worried about not making friends. For a kindergartener, this transition is their first one, and it's overwhelming for many of them. If you can take her to meet her teacher, that might help. You've gotten good advice--just trust your instincts and keep your ears open. My daughter teaches kindergarten, and all 21 of her students started something similar at the end of the year. Lots of hugs, maybe some type of ritual to look forward to (shopping for the back to school outfit, prehaps--or a first day of school special breakfast) might help her look at the positives. Perhaps you could bring up some things she especially enjoyed about kindergarten, and talk about how those things will still be there in first grade.

Let us know how she's doing. :)

[leebee]

If the school can tell you what classroom she'll be in & what teacher she'll have, see if there's any way to take her there for a little recon. If she's more comfortable with what's coming, maybe she'll feel more in control. If there is a set structure to the class day, walk her through it: "You'll come in here, put your coat there, go to your desk, after a while you'll have recess, then music/library/gym over here, then to lunch," and so on. If she sees the 1st Grade classroom, she might be reassured by it. Maybe the ABCs & numbers on the wall or some such will seem familiar and give the idea that she can do it. I know not all schools/teachers are open to these sorts of visits, but the schools I've worked at actually encouraged it and one provided tours just for the purpose of helping kids get acclimated.

[zwieback]

Is there a possibility that someone from her kindergarten class or a neighborhood kid teased her or told her something that scared her?

Do you know anyone who will be in her class? Or know any parents of some of the kids? If so, maybe you could throw a little party for all of them -- a sort of meet & greet, going back to school thing. Maybe, if she hangs around a couple of the kids who will be in her class, she might feel better?

Is there any way that you can take her to the school before it starts and show her around? Perhaps, even meet her teacher? That might calm her fears a little if she is able to mee her teacher and sort of get the feel that the teacher is on her side. If not, I'd definitely tell the teacher once school starts about your and your daughter's concerns. That way, the teacher will keep an eye out for her and any changes in her mood.

Maybe you can talk to the child psychologist again or your daughter's pediatrician. Maybe there are some things that can be done for the extreme shyness -- extra curricular activities, play groups, musical classes, etc.

In any event, I'd just assure her that things will be fine and that it is normal to be nervous about something new. Ask her why she feels the way she does (did someone tell her something, did she see something on tv, etc.) and then try to calm her and assure her that great things are ahead of her.

Good luck and I hope your daughter is feeling better soon.

[DmOrtega]

If I'm reading your post correctly... your dd will be starting 1st grade in the fall. Without knowing anything more, I'd say that the transition is the issue for her. She seems to be anticapating what will or will not happen. How is she normally when there are big changes for her? If she is going to a new school, that alone is stressful. Just keep talking/listening to her. Some things that can help her to feel comfortable; Take her to the school before it begins (the teachers usually are there a week or two early), shop for a new backpack, school clothes, and supplies together, spend time at the nearby parks (she might meet other kids that will be starting 1st grade with her). Keep her involved in her preperation for school. Tell her in advance what she might expect and brainstorm with her ways to handle any situations that she is really anxious about happeing. If at all possible... go to school with her on her first day and be there to pick her up. Just a few suggestions. Good luck.

[rosie_one]

You've gotten some great suggestions already. I'll tell you my similar story, maybe it will help. My DD (also a quiet, intelligent and generally cheerful kid) couldn't sleep the first night after 2nd grade started and she was kind of teary. We talked around and around and finally she came out with it. Her new teacher had the reputation of being "hard". Part of her teaching method is that she asks a lot of questions. DD said "Mom, what if Miss P asks me a question and I don't know the answer?" I said, "Julia, why do you go to school?" "Well, to learn..... ohhhh! I get it!" The light bulb went on for he as she realized that of course she wasn't going to know everything, the whole point of school is to learn. If she knew everything already, why bother? Once that was resolved she was fine. She ended up having a GREAT relationship with Miss P and a very productive year. I have to say, it was a great parenting moment for me. It felt so good to be able to help her and watch her fears subside. Plus, I think that attitude helps her to enjoy school as a discovery process rather than feel constantly pressured by it.

Hope that helps you. Good luck. It's hard when they don't quite know how to express their fears yet, but you'll get to the bottom of it eventually.

[leightx]

Thanks for the advice everyone! She is definitely feeling better today - I think yesterday evening was a little tough for her (we went out to eat and she didn't want to eat her food when it got there, and then she spilled my wine all over me, which made both of us pretty sad! ;). I think in addition to reassurance, she also just wanted some positive attention. When she crawled into bed with me this morning she was all smiles, and we talked a little more about 1st grade. I made sure to reassure her that her friends were probably feeling a little nervous as well, and reminded her that she was also scared before kindergarten, and that everything had been just fine. She'll be in the same school, so she should feel fairly comfortable about that.

I think part of the problem may be that her older cousins (who she sees frequently) tend to talk about how "hard" school is (things like "Oh, kindergarten is soooo easy - just wait until you get to 5th grade and have lots of homework ever night, etc..." in their smug 10 and 11 year old way :rolleyes: ). They aren't trying to scare her, but I think she's nervous that 1st grade is going to be waaaay more tricky than kindergarten.

I wish the school would let us meet the teachers beforehand - that would be so helpful for her. I know that they wouldn't in kindergarten (they didn't tell us which teacher they had until open house, 3 days before school started). I especially had been hoping to get the names of a classmate or 2 so that I could get them together with Abby before school started. They wouldn't do that either, claiming that all kids are in the same boat - none of them know each other etc. I know that's true, but she is just sooo painfully shy. I'm wondering if I went up there and talked to a counselor, or even her kindergarten teacher, if they would make an exception? I know her teacher last year felt like she didn't really "blossom" socially until after Christmas - she was just so quiet and reserved the first few months.

Part of the problem is that she doesn't really get to see her 2 good friends from school that much. One is in daycare this summer and the other is gone most of the summer. We're doing other activities (gymnastics, pool, etc) with other friends, but none that go to her school.

Rosie - yes! I did mention that to her this morning (that the whole reason she went to school was to learn, and that the rest of the kids would be in the same boat), and that did seem to make a difference.

[Beth]

Having an 11 yr old who can taunt his younger brother, I understand that issue. Remind her that they ddind't go from kindergarten to 5th grade in one jump, and neither will she. She'll take it one step at a time, and if she's willing to learn her teachers will prepare her one step at a time. She'll be ready and handle it just fine -- maybe better than her smug cousins who are enjoying feeling older and wiser for teh moment.

[MISSINDI]

Haven't gone down this road myself yet, but one of the women at the office went through this with her daughter last year. She had all the same fears that your daughter has, worried that she couldn't read, that the work would be too hard, no friends, teacher wouldn't like her, etc. Panicked at night, and cried a lot. After the first 2 weeks of going, she slowly started getting into the rhythm of it, and now loves it. Hang in there!