Etiquette ? re:other moms and their toddlers

[angelamaria]

i took abby to an indoor play area at a local mall today to meet up with some other moms in a playgroup. abby is 2 and is shy. she is the type that will let another kid grab her cookie and then cry about it. she is not assertive at all and some of the more exuberant kids tend to literally run right over her.

so there was this sand castle thing with a little stair and a slide down the other side. she kept on trying to climb up it and go down the slide. all these little boys (2-4) kept on pushing her aside as she tried to climb up the stairs and one even half slapped at her arm. she just looked at me and started bawling.this happened several times in a row. the moms of these kids were talking to each other and never stepped in to tell their kids that wasn't nice etc. they weren't part of our playgroup so i didn't know them. i did tell one of them (the boys) not to push my daughter. abby eventually completely had a meltdown and i had to take her home.

i was always shy and never popular etc in school and i know she is only 2 but it breaks my heart to see the look on her face when other kids shove her around. i don't know how to teach her to stand up for herself. plus, she is so young. should the other moms of these rambunctious kids have stepped in and tried to control their kids a little better? or am i just overreacting because of my own childhood? i don't like seeing my daughter being treated like that. :mad:

[tbb113]

Yes, the other mothers should have stepped in and said something to their children, but unfortunately they didn't (and probably won't in the future).

My kids are far from shy ... so this isn't from personal experience, but I would think teaching Abby to say "STOP or NO, I don't like that" would help her when other kids are pushing/shoving, etc. I don't think you can (or want) to teach her to push back. Her only option is for her to say something or for you to step in and make sure that turns are being taken (which might actually get the other parents involved).

[erinl]

Yes, the moms should have stepped in, but I also wouldn't have hesitated to say something. Hanne also tends to be the one that gets pushed around. I give her the words to say--"Excuse me, can I come through" "No pushing", etc. She still comes to me a lot in those situations, but I have heard her yelling at the top of a slide, "EXCUSE ME!" If I saw something like that happen more than once, I would stand behind her until she got up the slide. If the little boys tried to push through, I would tell them that we take turns. She is littler than them and they need to be careful around her.

[Laura]

I am sometimes a too involved parent, but I think I probably would have stood by the slide a couple of times and said loudly, "We need to take turns, Abby you go after this little boy, then to the next little little boy okay you are next." I might have gone through that process a couple of times, to help all of them see (the moms most of all) that there is a process to taking turns.

I was shy too when I was child, and I really worked to try and give my kids confidence in different situations. My DD (now 16) rolls her eyes whenever I tell this story, but I remember being at McDonalds when she was four and she didn't get the little toy that she wanted, I made her ask the clerk for a different one.

ETA, I just saw my response was similar to Erin's. I think it is good to see if the kids can manage the situation on their own, but I don't have a problem in stepping in during situations like this.

[gardenmom]

I think 2 is pretty young to be assertive with other kids. I think your daughter AND the other kids need adult help, so it isn't pushy to help them all learn how to take turns.

My son always froze and melted down with aggressive kids at the playground, so I would step in and let the big kids take their turns, and then tell them, "OK we are going to take turns, and now it's your turn (son)"

I think the other moms don't mean to be distracted, and the kids aren't trying to bully your daughter. It's OK to help everybody out, I think.

Maybe I'm wrong, but don't get down that she is melting down. She is just a little baby trying to hang with the big kids.

She will learn to assert herself soon, probably. My 3 year old is in full stride now after one year of school. But she got walked over earlier, and I was there to help all the kids learn how to play together, not just my kids.

And I'll bet there are some parents who take offense at you chiming in with their kids, but I'll take that risk to help my child who needs help.

Hang in there, she'll be so much bigger, resilient, and even more amazing soon!!

[angelamaria]

thanks. i did tell abby (and the little boys) to take turns. unfortunately abby would get halfway up and one of them would push past her and she would slide back down the steps and freeze.
i don't want her to push back (not at all!) but i want her to be able to say no or excuse me like erin mentioned. i also don't want her to just freeze up in that kind of situation.
and i wish the other moms had noticed what their sons were doing and stepped in. but i didn't speak up (which is my own shyness kicking in). and i am sure they didn't realize how shy my daughter is - they prob assumed she was not that afraid of kids she doesn't know.

[laughsandlaughs]

Hi Angela! I remember from some childhood psych classes that one way to build self-esteem and confidence in shy children is to let them play with kids a bit younger than themselves. They get the be the big kids, the ones that "help" the others or know how to do things the others don't. Just an idea....

I hope all is well and I hope to catch up soon!
elizabeth

[DebGo]

angela, you have some good advice here.

since the other mom's are too busy chatting you have the right to stand up for your child (by saying "you wait on this step while abby climbs to the top!") you can add something like, "it's hard to wait, i know! but look what a good job you're doing." you are not talking down to the other children so no mom would ever say anthing to you about talking to her child (son) that way.

as a teacher (now at home mom) i tend to be the mom in the play areas that speaks up to the roudy kids. sometimes if the kids are too much older (like they shouldn't even be playing there to begin with) i just take my kids out and tell them we will come back later when it's not so wild. i don't hesitate to tell the older kids to watch out for the babies. most of the time the older kids mom's are busy shopping in a store anyway so they never realize the inappropriate behavior. :(

continue to give abby direction and role modeling. she'll see you practice telling the kids to wait their turns and one day she'll say it herself. role play with her at home where it is safe for her to "pretend" there is a boy pushing his way up the stairs. have her continue to repeat "just a minute, it's my turn now" (or whatever you want her to say). you can be her cheerleader while she practices "say it again!!!" "yeah!" "louder!!" you can encourage her to try it herself the next time you are in that type of situation. eventually she will grow comfortable being able to stand up for herself.

good luck!
debbie

[newtricks]

You've gotten great advice and I'm just chiming in to say you have every right to help your daughter. As a mother of two boys I'll just say in the other moms' defence (sort of) that they were probably happy there wasn't actual violence going on! I know that's sounds terrible but there are phases where it's kind of the truth.

I would stress to your daughter that the boys weren't trying to be mean, aside from the slap, it sounds like they were being extremely rough and tumble but not actually aggressive/combative. It's hard to see your baby in that mix, especially if it's hard for her. But she'll learn how to hold her own because she's got a great mom there to help her. :)

[LaraW]

Hi Angela! I remember from some childhood psych classes that one way to build self-esteem and confidence in shy children is to let them play with kids a bit younger than themselves. They get the be the big kids, the ones that "help" the others or know how to do things the others don't. Just an idea....

I hope all is well and I hope to catch up soon!
elizabeth

I was actually going to suggest this as well, to have Abby play with some kids who are younger than her. That might give her a chance to build some confidence.

Its hard, I know. I'm the mom of the kid who tries to shove other kids out of the way, and it is just as agonizing. I stand near her and have to make sure she lets other smaller kids through.

[Loremma]

Let me just start by saying I don't have children, but I have nieces and nephews and children I've babysat and when I take them to the playground and another child is being pushy, I step right in. My thought is, who do I want to have hurt feelings, some stranger or my "child"? My child wins hands down and if that stranger doesn't like it, too bad. They should have been paying attention to their childs action in the first place. It may sound like I'm angry when I do this, but I'm not. I'm as pleasant as can be, but my child is not going to be pushed around.

[erinl]

I should've mentioned that Hanne is 3 now, but we've been working on it for awhile and she still usually needs reminding to stand up for herself. We try to coach her beforehand if we know we'll be in that kind of situation.

[RunnerKim]

I agree with what others have said. If other mothers aren't noticing/choosing to step in, then do it yourself. I spend a decent amount of time in my daughter's daycare class and have become more and more comfortable doing this because of that. We spend a decent amount of time at playgrounds etc. although we try to go during less busy times. I know it's not easy and rather uncomfortable to do with kids you don't know, but I think the message it gives your shy daughter is important too (along with just making sure she gets her turn). However, there are places I don't take Lainey because I know bigger kids dominate (there's an indoor playpark that just gets crazy and there's no way I could control the situation). We try to go to playgrounds that have big and little kids play areas and that helps a lot.

As to the the playing with younger kids - I think that's true. I saw some evidence of it recently, Lainey's first week of soccer class was with a group that was much younger than her (about a 6-12 months) because we couldn't attend at the regular time. It was amazing for her "ego." I'm a good jumper and this and that. She can be shy at first but overall isn't that shy for what that's worth.

Sorry you and Abby had to go through that. :(

Kim

[Terri_A]

I'm the mother of a 3 1/2 year old who is ANYTHING BUT SHY!!! She did get pushed around a bit by older kids when she was smaller, but now stands up for herself and sometimes takes that too far. I try to intervene when I see it happening and remind her to take turns, that a child is smaller than her, etc, but don't see every infraction. I'd rather another mother step in than have my child hurt or upset another kid.

That said - I believe the reason Sabrina stands up for herself now is that she is around older kids at school for part of the day and has had to learn to "dust it off and get over it" and to assert herself a bit when necessary. So, I definitely recommend exposing kids to older playmates.

[BarbaraL]

When DD was small, we'd sometimes go to the local hamburger joint so she could play in the playroom that was very popular. The kids usually all played together very nicely, but once there was a very pushy, aggressive little boy. He'd push past the other kids, go down the slide, then climb back up the slide so the other kids couldn't have a turn. As the only parent around, I asked him nicely several times to take turns, but he wouldn't. Finally, I stationed myself at the base of the slide, and only let the kids up one at a time. I didn't touch the kids, but I could block the stairs. The little boy tried to push past, but I told him he had to wait his turn. He very nastily told me that I didn't own the slide, and I told him that he didn't either, and I was there to make sure that all the kids got a turn. He threatened to get his dad, and I told him to go ahead, I'd be happy to talk to his dad! He ran away, and I was afraid that some big goon would come over, but the kid never came back.

[angelamaria]

When DD was small, we'd sometimes go to the local hamburger joint so she could play in the playroom that was very popular. The kids usually all played together very nicely, but once there was a very pushy, aggressive little boy. He'd push past the other kids, go down the slide, then climb back up the slide so the other kids couldn't have a turn. As the only parent around, I asked him nicely several times to take turns, but he wouldn't. Finally, I stationed myself at the base of the slide, and only let the kids up one at a time. I didn't touch the kids, but I could block the stairs. The little boy tried to push past, but I told him he had to wait his turn. He very nastily told me that I didn't own the slide, and I told him that he didn't either, and I was there to make sure that all the kids got a turn. He threatened to get his dad, and I told him to go ahead, I'd be happy to talk to his dad! He ran away, and I was afraid that some big goon would come over, but the kid never came back.

OMG :eek: ! that is exactly how i do not want either of my kids to ever be!! yet i don't want them to let themselves get pushed around either.that boy sounds just like the boys at this play area!
i guess i should have also mentioned although abby is 2 she doesn't really talk at all just a few words.

[DebGo]

OMG :eek: ! that is exactly how i do not want either of my kids to ever be!! yet i don't want them to let themselves get pushed around either.that boy sounds just like the boys at this play area!
i guess i should have also mentioned although abby is 2 she doesn't really talk at all just a few words.


yes, but by talking her through these situations she's hearing the correct language to solve the problems. once she begins talking she'll remember all those times you said to her things like, "excuse me, but it's my turn now!" !!!

my DD hardly spoke at 2 (plenty of sign language though). now that she's 3, i can't shut her up!!!

:) debbie