The big 50; time for a life change

[springsgourmet9]

Yes, I'm turning 50 in October and have recently examined my life and what I want to change.

I'm bummed because all my childhood friends are so far away and I really need friends at this point in my life. The boys are in college, husband has golfing and motorcycle interests but I just spent 22 years working full-time, raising my boys, attending every sporting event (they both played 3 sports a year from middle school thru high school) and have no friends at this point in my life.

Being a foodie, would love to find some foodie friends in the suburbs of Phila to go to food events, shopping or just have lunch together.

Guess its a combination of hormones and age that I'm feeling lonely and depressed. Was thinking of doing some volunteer work at a local hospital.

Any thoughts on what you changed after 50 and how to make friends at this point in my life. Am I pathetic or what?

[donleyk]

(((springsgourmet9)))

I don't have any suggestions right off but wanted to send hugs your way!

Any reason why you can't take up golf? And/or getting your husband interested in foodie things? Maybe you are just looking for things to do with "the girls" so another question is have you checked the local community college for 1 day cooking classes?

Best of luck to you!

[blazedog]

No you're not pathetic at all :) You've just reached one of the natural stages of life.

Most of the people I know expended an enormous amount of time raising children and had very limited time to see friends -- especially if they were also working. The friends you made have drifted away geographically and it takes a lot of time to make new friends.

I think you make friends by following your interests and also being the one that extends herself to make it clear that you would like to test drive a relationship -- i.e. if you take a cooking class or work as a volunteer and hit it off with somebody, invite them for lunch but be specific -- not just a vague let's do lunch. :p

There was a very cute article in NY Magazine on the similarity between dating and making a new girlfriend.

[tbb113]

I'm a little younger than you (just turned 46 yesterday). I joined a women's group that was advertised on Craigslist (www.craigslist.org) It worked great. I now have a group of women that I'm friendly with and a few that have turned into close friends.

You do need to reach out, whether you join a class, a club, whatever to meet somebody.

Good luck! You can do it :)

[Pam Campbell]

Whew! My heart goes out to you! I remember that feeling from a couple of years ago! I turned 50 and it seemed that everything changed. I felt sorry for myself for a while. Then I started a Supper Club and formed some great friends that way. Next I joined a book club which formed other relationships. Then an aerobics class (I guess this was to form relationships but it sure helped me work off the food evenings and the book club discussions over food & wine evenings). This year I added a weekly Bible Study evening. You know what I have found out? II am busier now then I was when my kids were at home! :D Hang in there you have the right attitude and will meet and make new friends.

[starlight]

I am now 53. May I suggest, classes of interest; exercise of some sort, cooking, whatever you like to do. How about a community center in your town, get involved, participate, volunteer. Church activities. I've said more than once, I love the 50's, I just don't particularly like my body starting to wear and tear! :) I do know that YOU have to make an effort. Smile, go up and introduce yourself to people. It's easier than you think.

[DeeK]

I do know that YOU have to make an effort. Smile, go up and introduce yourself to people. It's easier than you think.

I so agree with that. I wouldn't have any of my friends if I hadn't made the first move. :rolleyes:

[Robyn1007]

You know, its interesting, having just moved I have some of the same issues. I'm only 28 but it is hard to make friends no matter how old you are once you are out of school. I try hard to get involved in clubs and activities, you should check out the supper club boards here, that might be the perfect foodie thing for you to do. Good luck!

Robyn

[Gail]

What is 50 but another number? I've never really understood this. For me, 50 came and went very quietly nearly three years ago. (I'm also an October baby. :) )I honestly can't tell you what I did on my 50th birthday because it isn't my style to make a big deal out of birthdays. And, other than making the decision finally shed the extra weight I'd been carrying around and get involved in a regular exercise regime, I can't think of anything major which has changed in my life since turning 50. Perhaps it's that I didn't do things the usual way-- I married late, had a few careers and settled down to be a mom at the ripe old age of 37. So at fifty, my son was only entering his teens.

Numbers aside, I think that at any stage of life we can find ourselves faced with the need for new challenges (my reason for changing careers three times!)-- but as has already been said, it's up to you to search them out. Look into that volunteer work if that's what you want to do. Put out feelers to start a supper club so you can commiserate with people with similar interests. Take a class in a subject you've always wanted to study-- school always seems to be a good place to meet people.

[colleency]

Definitely join some clubs! I don't think it's the age, so much as the stage. I have friends that bemoan the fact that DH and I are constantly busy, and the friends don't have much to do. DH and I belong to at least 6 or 7 clubs. And we like to act, so we put together an acting troupe to entertain at our clubs.

There are so many clubs to join, too! Check into your local community for theaters. Check a local community college for cooking, dancing, photography, etc. Check with your local specialty food store, like Whole Foods. They sometimes have cooking classes. Check on the boards for groups that have a supper club in your area.

(((springsgourmet))) It'll get better!

[DmOrtega]

Great advice has already been given. I would just like to add that you should really consider fullfilling some of your own desires in addition to what has been suggested. Meeting people and forming new freindships are good for all of us, all of the time. However when we spend so many years raising kids and putting our own desires on the back burner, we sometimes forget what excites us. For example, I have been saying for many years that I want to learn mosaics. I really have an interest in it and just haven't had the time or money to take a class. I finally just signed up and paid the $85 for a 4 hour class. Even though I had some "buyers remorse" for having used the money and time for myself, I went for it. What I found was that I have a talent for what I have done so far and I take a great deal of pride and pleasure in working with mosaics. I still don't have a lot of time or money but I have found something that really inspires me. From that I can join clubs or try selling my "projects". If you don't know where to start, make a list of all of the things that you have always wanted to do and pick one... and then... don't look back. Enjoy your life.

[Beth]

Just adding to the above that it's good advice for any time in your life. We do put a lot on hold for our kids and families, and we get a lot out of that for sure. One of the things I always had to put off was horseback riding -- too far away, too much money, not enough time -- whatever. I can't do it now because of my neck problems. If I fell, I could be paralyzed from the neck down and even if I didn't, the bouncing would cause me a lot of problems. I still love horses, but I'd love to be able to ride them and have that relationship with them.

You don't know what may happen to change the course of your life. If you have a full mind and heart, you will never be able to do all the things you'd like, but grasp enough to keep your heart and mind full and growing.

[kim21]

As always, friends on this board offer much wisdom. Christiane Northrup writes and speaks about how a woman often spends the first 50 years of a her life, taking care of and giving to others...the next 50 years of her life are a bit more open and available for her to become more of the woman she is meant to be.

It seems there are many layers to this place of transition; certainly there are things one can "do" to bring new people and experiences into life. Supporting this is the belief in one's self, in getting ready for the "doing." Best wishes to you as you create this next chapter in your life. A whole new journey awaits you! Kim

[Goin' Coastal]

As always, friends on this board offer much wisdom. Christiane Northrup writes and speaks about how a woman often spends the first 50 years of a her life, taking care of and giving to others...the next 50 years of her life are a bit more open and available for her to become more of the woman she is meant to be.



I love that! And how true. At 53 I have much more freedom to be the person I want to be. I don't have to put everyone else first right now. My kids are doing well - still in school, but pretty self sufficient. both living on their own, and I have to say I am proud of them and the decisions they have been making for their lives. I also have more money now than I did when I was raising kids. I have to say it is nice to do what I want, when I want, and have the money to do it! As much as there is to complain about when aging, it does have its perks, too!

[Canice]

(((springsgourmet9)))

No, you're not pathetic at all -- just a person going through a major change in life and trying to work it out. No crime in that.

There's been so much good advice here, I really can't add to it except to piggyback on Tyra's (tbb113) note about craigslist: If you don't see anything there (HERE's (http://philadelphia.craigslist.org/) a link to their Philadelphia page - maybe you could try to set up an "empty nest" or "foodies' luncheons" group, if not a supper club. I've known people who had loads of fun merely organizing food shopping trips to various ethnic neighborhoods or hosting potlucks before going on local walking tours. I live 15 miles from where I grew up, and I've found that anything dealing with local history/walking tours/public gardens are a great way to meet people - either locals looking to reconnect/get involved, or new arrivals looking for community.

Wishing you all the best.....

[springsgourmet9]

Thank you all for the wonderful advice and kind words. It's not turning 50 that bothers me, I have never worried about aging and quite frankly I'm so happy to be alive at this point in my life with so much misfortune and pain in the world.

It's just the fact that I need friends and being an introvert, it is rather difficult, but I will take your advice and join some clubs or go to a local cooking class for starters. I'm also going to do some volunteer work because I will always feel the need to help others, guess thats part of being a Mom.

Thanks again for all the great responses.

[olchik]

My parents are in their 50s. I think it's the high time to think just about yourself and be a little bit selfish. So travel and see the world!:)

[protzman123]

I hear your pain! I'm turning 50 in December, and finding myself in some of the same places as you, after raising 4 kids who now have teenage lives of their own. They just don't quite need me like they used to! Oh well.

I'm trying to organize a Supper Club in my area currently, but having trouble getting people to commit; it seems that everyone is just too busy to bother! Which is really sad, because, as you have discovered, kids grow up and move on, and we're left feeling a little empty-handed. But I think the advice people have offered you is sound: just get involved in something, anything, and hopefully that will lead to new adventures and new friendships as well. That's what I'm planning to do. If my supper club plans flop, I'm just moving on the the next big thing! Good luck. Let us know how you're doing.

[rosie_one]

I'll suggest that if you miss being needed by children, you could be a reading tutor, or an English as a second language tutor. It's a truly valuable gift you can give.

Also, in our town there are ways you can support a traveling student from another country. They don't need to live with you, sometimes they just have dinner and visit. Contact your local college's International Student center.

Good luck with your transition. We're all pulling for you.

[Kay Henderson]

You have received great advice, and it sounds like you are on the right track, figuring out how you can meet new people doing activities that you enjoy.

I had a somewhat analogous situation when I retired and moved to South Lake Tahoe four years ago. I had spent most of my life in Sacramento, and was very anxious as to whether I would be able to make new friends. The best advice I received was from a new acquaintance who had moved to a very isolated rural area here the previous year. "I figured out," she said, "that nobody was going to come knocking on my door and say 'can you come out and play?' '' In her case, she began by volunteering at a local historic area. She quickly met people, and joined other organizations as well.

A combination of joining organizations and volunteering also worked very well for me. I have met many people, some of whom are becoming good friends. I suspected that a person who was willing to work would be welcomed with open arms and this proved to be the case. Since I had never moved as a adult, something else was a bit more of a surprise. I had anticipated that I would be an Indian rather than a chief for a long while. Instead, I found out that people quickly recognize talent in new members and you have the opportunity to do interesting things. In my case, I have served as an officer of organizations (being on a board is a terrific way to get to know people better) and chaired two fund-raisers.

My best wishes for you! I'm sixty now, but my experience was that my fifties were a very satisfying decade. As a person, you have enough life experience to have much to offer.

Kay

One last thought: A book by Jimmy and Rosalyn Carter provides much food for thought for people entering a new period in their lives. I have read Everything to Gain: Making the Most of the Rest of Your Life twice and profited both times. The Amazon reference is below:

http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/tg/detail/-/1557283885/qid=1128452278/sr=1-20/ref=sr_1_20/104-5964622-8862344?v=glance&s=books

I just had one more thought and it's not too late to edit to add it! In the spin-off thread on women without children, it was noted that friendships between people with and without children often suffer because people are so busy and their lives have taken such a different tack. I think you will find that the trajectory of your life and that of your childless contemporaries is once again converging. There are women in your community with whom you had little in common for many years who now have the potential to be very good friends. You will meet them as you start to go out more.