A Real Wake -Up Call.

[jazzcat]

I've been a bit estranged from my Dad since I was 14. Deep down I never doubted he loved me or my siblings, however he pretty much neglected child support for ( 3 kids) my brother and sister ,and assumed a new family ( my 2 step- brothers) and his wife. As a female adult, this drives me crazy, but as the child I have a lot of different feelings about it. As well, he has been states away for many years so maybe I see him once every two or three years and we don't correspond in between. Anyway, to get to my point, he had a bad accident and fell
out of a cherry -picker on to the ground. He was sent to a Trauma center. Fortunately, he is just very banged up and he didn't break anything. However he has been pretty immobile for the last 4 weeks and it will probably be another 3-4 weeks before he is back to his normal routine. As well when they did a MRI they found a cyst in his brain. All I could think is, it's now or never that I make more of an effort to reconnect with this man I remember as my father. If he were to be gone from this life tomorrow I would regret it terribly. All I could think about was a good friend of mine who had lost her estranged father, and was so hysterically crying that she didn't have the chance to know him. To sum things up, I have talked to Dad and my stepmom once a week for the last 3 weeks. I'm sorry he had to have the accident, but maybe that's a blessing in disquise. BTW, we hope the cyst is a congenital finding they just happen to have found.

[This message has been edited by jazzcat (edited 05-20-2001).]

[cdm]

I say good for you jazzcat!! Life has strange twists and turns. I wish more people would be less selfish-only thinking of their own feelings rather than looking at the big picture!!!!!

[Vanessa]

I am glad you reconnected with your dad. Sometimes things happen for a reason and his fall although bad brought you two together in a way.Life is short and it will mean a lot to your dad to know you forgave him and want to get to know him. You have a kind heart....

[Jewel]

Jazz, I'm a firm believer in things happening for a reason. I'm also one who earns a few raised eyebrows and indulgent smiles now and then when I say that I believe that two different Angels surround me 24 hours per day. I know both of them are there, and that's all that matters to me. Let others scoff if they want to.

My point is, Angels are with you and your father as well. Sounds like you were guided back together for a reason, and you both are trying to make amends. I've never known anyone to say "I wish I hadn't spent so much time getting to know him". On the contrary, we always seem to experience the regret that comes from sometimes being petty and selfish. Sure, I think we all have valid reasons for feeling the way we do about others, and I'm not trying to say those feelings should be forgotten just because someone is ill! I'm saying it takes a strong person to put those feelings aside long enough to really listen to the other person and hear their side. I believe your Angels want it that way! Spend some more time talking to him, and I don't believe you'll regret it. Sounds like you really want to be with him!

[Tiger]

Something good always comes out of something bad. This time it's easy to see.

[sneezles]

Jazzcat,
You have a good heart! Others wouldn't have seen this as an opportunity. Deep down I think we all need that connection to a parent but don't always have the chance. My mother and I were not estranged as such but we never really talked as adults. I always felt I never quite measured up and she died 5 years ago from ALS so the opportunity will never come.

[Wendy w]

Jazzcat,

Your post brings a tear to my eyes, as I lost my Dad last November. We occasionally didn't see eye to eye but we had been fine with each other when he left us. You are a very big person to do this as sometimes forgiveness can be difficult.

[This message has been edited by Wendy w (edited 05-21-2001).]

[Beth]

Your post really hit a nerve with me. I was wishing it was my niece typing, and I hope my nieces and nephew get a wake-up call before it's too late for them. It is probably very different from your situation, but their mom has done everything to make things as bad as possible for the last 10-15 years. I became convinced she was trying to drive my brother to suicide. She helped put him out of business and into bankruptcy, threatened him with a gun when he tried to pick up the kids for his visitation, etc., but his kids think he's a deadbeat who doesn't care about them becasue that's what she's told them. Will they ever even consider that there is another side to the story?

I'm glad you are looking at the other side of the coin, and I hope you find compassion and pleasant suprises. Your mom obviously did something right. You still have a heart, and it is growing instead of shrinking. Warm wishes for you all.

BTW, before my youngest was born, they saw cysts in his brain that they said technology would not have allowed them to see a couple of years before. They resolved before he was born, but apparently do not always. Just wanted offer some reassurance that something like that could happen and go unseen.



[This message has been edited by Beth (edited 05-22-2001).]

[crazycook]

Jazzcat,
Prayers and best wishes for a full recovery for your dad and hope that you both continue to get closer. I'm happy for you both that you made the step to reopen the lines of communication. The first step is always the hardest to take and it does take a very big and loving heart to do so.

[tperes]

jazzcat --

your post really struck me b/c I have a similar situation with my dad, my parents divorced when I was 5 (and my baby sister was barely out of the womb), he remarried and took on role of father to her son, and didn't make too much effort after the first couple of years to see us (I also have an older brother), or pay child support, etc.

Well, my mother passed away when I was 18, and my little sister was by law made to live with our dad, who she didn't even know. After many angry words with him and his wife, I thought I could make the best of it. So, I saw my sister whenever possible (I was off at college 5 hours away), and tried to have a relationship w/ my father, but it has not progressed so well. We see each other maybe once a year, the occassional email and phone call, etc. It is very strange, and my boyfriend finds it hard to understand or accept our relationship, but at this point, I take it for what it is. I am graduating in August w/ my PhD (at the young age of 28!), and I know my father will show up at my graduation, but he hasn't really shared in the joys and pains of this degree like other family members have. I don't know. I try to see it from his point of view, but it is hard to, when I see how great the three of us turned out to be (egineer, archaeologist, nurse) and how lame our stepbrother is (installs car stereos or something like that). Maybe for me the blessing was to not have my father close by and to be so independent of him. I don't know.
Anyway, I really didn't mean to air all my family secrets! But I am glad that you are making an effort to know your father, especially if he recognizes the effort and returns it. http://www.cookinglight.com/bbs/smile.gif

[jazzcat]

Thanks for all the feed back and good wishes. It's encouraging, and I have to say it's a start to rebuilding a relationship with my Dad. It's easier to do nothing sometimes and stay in denial, such as , to think that it doesn't matter. Obviously after all these years it still does matter. After I was divorced, I went to counciling for quite a while because my ex-husband was pretty abusive. I have to say in all that time, my most painful sessions were more about my Dad's lack of presence in my life. I had just realed myself back from such low self esteem from my ex-husband it wasn't in me to dig any deeper at the time. Anyway, I guess what I'm trying to say is that I am ready to at least build something from here, if not for my Dad, but for myself. I want to add that I did have the most wonderful step-father for too short of a while. He passed away 7 years ago and I miss him terribly at times. I have a lot a fond memories of my Dad when I was young and I don't want to regret the "what ifs" any longer. BTW, I really think it does mean a lot to him to hear from me. I think he's had his share of "what ifs" as well. Sorry for the rambling but I think it's therapeutic and you all are wonderful for reading and sharing. Thanks again.

Parapharasing from Leeann Womack's song, I realize that I do have the chance to sit it out or dance; I've decided to dance.

[This message has been edited by jazzcat (edited 05-21-2001).]

[sneezles]

You go girl! And dance all night long! And have a dance for the rest of us! I wish you well!

[sneezles]

I'm sorry that you've not had any more positive answers since you last reply! I get weepy every time I think of you and your dad, self-indulgent that it may be! There is a song, a country song (I think) called "We Danced"(I willtry and remember the artist that sings it), and while not exactly parental, it proclaims a love that is important and I hope that someday you and your Dad can dance to that song and feel the love that it is meant to bring out in a relationship!

[This message has been edited by sneezles (edited 05-21-2001).]

[jazzcat]

Sneezles, I think I know the song you are talking about. Mark Wills sings it. It usually puts a "lump" in my throat when I hear it.

[This message has been edited by jazzcat (edited 05-21-2001).]

[sneezles]

Yep, he's the one that sings it! And my lump is there just thinking about it!

[Jewel]

Sorry, you two, but Brad Paisley is the one who sings 'We Danced' about the two who meet in the bar when she leaves her purse? They dance all over the empty dancefloor after closing. If that's the one, then Country Music lovin' me has to be the one to jump in here with the correct artist! http://www.cookinglight.com/bbs/tongue.gif

Jazzcat, you're in my prayers...