Recently widowed Neighbor

[Chelle D]

DH and I have neighbors on one side and the husband passed away last weekend. I just found out last night. He was in his 70's and had a heart attack that he never recovered from. We are not at all close to these neighbors. Mostly, it's just been a wave here and there as we pass. I happened to be coming home yesterday and saw her outside and asked how she was and then I found out.

She seems to be doing well, is in good health for her age, and is doing well. I would like to do something, but don't know what. I was thinking about taking some soup over to her because I make soup each Sunday night. I feel weird doing something since I did not really know them, but at the same time feel that I want to.

Any ideas for something I can do that would be appropriate?

[tbb113]

I think your idea of soup is great.

[Wendy w]

That's a very thoughtful idea.

[VALERIEA234]

I Think It Is A Great Idea, Never Know You May Become Very Good Friends.
Val

[donleyk]

I agree on the soup.

Very thoughtful of you.

[Escher]

When my neighbor's husband died, I just started mowing the lawn for her, because I knew that was one of his responsibilities.

Perhaps you could make sure her leaves are taken care of/ snow blown, etc until she has the time to setup a service.

[Chelle D]

Thank you for the encouragement on the soup and the suggesstion for lawn service. She actually already has a service that came out yesterday and took all the leaves. I did tell her that if she ever needed anything done, please ask. I told her my DH would be happy to change a light fixture, fix a wobbly table or broken drawer, etc. I hope she does ask. She does have family in the area as well and I think she went to church but her husband did not.

[dixie]

All of those ideas are great...when my fil died, their neighbors did all of those things and my mil appreciated it so much. Even tho she was, and still is, in great health herself and active with friends, etc, the intense loneliness of being suddenly by yourself is so hard and as much as she loved the occasional meals and yard help, what she really craved and appreciated was the few minutes of company here and there. And its true, you may make a new friend too!

[doggerham]

All of those ideas are great...when my fil died, their neighbors did all of those things and my mil appreciated it so much. Even tho she was, and still is, in great health herself and active with friends, etc, the intense loneliness of being suddenly by yourself is so hard and as much as she loved the occasional meals and yard help, what she really craved and appreciated was the few minutes of company here and there. And its true, you may make a new friend too!

Ditto -- subbing in when my dad died...

[blazedog]

Thank you for the encouragement on the soup and the suggesstion for lawn service. She actually already has a service that came out yesterday and took all the leaves. I did tell her that if she ever needed anything done, please ask. I told her my DH would be happy to change a light fixture, fix a wobbly table or broken drawer, etc. I hope she does ask. She does have family in the area as well and I think she went to church but her husband did not.

I wouldn't wait for somebody to ask. When someone dies, lots of people say, please call me if I can do anything but it's really hard to people to ask.

THe long haul is actually worse after a death than the initial week or month because other people's lives move on.

I think the soup is a great idea or spare cookies etc. if you bake is a great idea as it helps the bereaved to know people are thinking about them. You might also think about checking in on her unobtrusively if there is a bad snowstorm etc. and perhaps, depending on the circumstances, you might ask if she needs something at the store etc. if it has been particularly bad weather in which she might feel nervous driving. I think it's really important for people living alone (whatever their age) to think that they could go to their neighbors in an emergency or for some kind of assistance even if they aren't the closest of friends.

[Chelle D]

That is a great idea about asking about running errands. I will do that!

[Lillith]

Doing an errand for her is an excellent idea, but I have another. I know this might sound totally off key but, now that she's alone, she might like some company every now and then. Maybe you can invite her in for a cup of tea? As I said, it might seem above and beyond since you really had no real relationship w/her, but now that she's alone she might appreciate your offer.

[maddolee]

Doing an errand for her is an excellent idea, but I have another. I know this might sound totally off key but, now that she's alone, she might like some company every now and then. Maybe you can invite her in for a cup of tea? As I said, it might seem above and beyond since you really had no real relationship w/her, but now that she's alone she might appreciate your offer.

I love this idea. I also think the soup and offering to help with errands is very thoughtful. Like another poster said, after awhile when other people's lives are moving on, she might really be able to use some company. Even though you don't really know her, she might appreciate the gesture, just knowing that someone's thinking about her.

[Cookin4Love]

I second what others have said about not waiting for her to ask for help. Most people just can't bring themselves to do it. We had a very rough spot after DH was in an accident several years ago. He was in the hospital for weeks and unable to do much for almost a year. There was someone we barely knew at church who just started showing up and cutting the grass. I never would have asked anyone to do it, but he did it as an act of love and caring. To this day, it brings tears to my eyes to think of his steadfast commitment week after week for almost six months (until the grass died out for winter). Had he even asked me if he could do it, I would have said no, because I can't stand to impose.

When you or your DH, or both of you, have an extra hour, if you just pop over and say, "Hey, we are working around the house anyway. What needs to be done," or "We're putting up our storm windows. Where are yours, and we'll put them up too" (or whatever one does with storm windows--we don't have them here), it would be much easier for her to accept your help.

And as Lillith said, the gift of time is irreplaceable and probably much appreciated. Learning to be alone after years of being part of a "we" can be very difficult and takes a long time.

[SusanMac]

My neighbors lost their 22yo sold earlier this year, & I found myself in the same spot. At the time, I said to tell us what they needed, and their eyes glazed over. You literally have no idea what you need.

I think as a neighbor, over time, it's the little things. I invited her to go to the farmer's market with me a few times. DH always talks with the husband when they're out doing yard work. It might feel strange at first, but I'd say you should call about once a month just to say hello and see if she could use a hand with anything around the house. Drop off a loaf of bread just because every now and then. Mostly, when we're together, I just listen. She talks about her son constantly, but it's all healthy and cathartic for her.

[blazedog]

I have been thinking about this in relationship to my father after my mother died and also because they lived in a retirement community that had many widows (fewer widowers).

One thing that has always stuck in my mind was my mother telling me about a neighbor and how the woman had become stuck in her bathtub for two or three days. She was stunned that the woman who shared the external walkway had never checked on this woman even though the newspapers had piled up and her car was in the driveway.

Many of the people in the community kept an unobtrusive eye out to make sure that something hadn't happened to a person living alone -- they told each other when they were going away for an extended period of time so that if a person wasn't out and about and wasn't away, the neighbors made sure they were all right. I'm not sure how you go about doing this without seeming pushy -- probably depends on the appropriate opening. You could of course make it reciprocal by telling her when you are leaving for an extended period etc.

[GingerPow]

You would be amazed at what means the most at a time like this. An occasional phone call to say hi, that pot of soup you mentioned, or bake extra muffins and bring some over - little things.
You are sweet to offer your help should she ask you, but believe me, she won't.
When you drive to the supermarket, give her a call and ask her if she'd like to join you. Invite her to your house for dinner. It's the human contact and a listening ear that will help her the most.
Let her tell you how wonderful her husband was, or how he drove her nuts. You won't need to say much, she'll do most of the talking.
When my first husband died suddenly, there was a tremendous flurry of activity for the first week, then things slowed down and reality set in. The phone calls from my friends, and neighbors dropping by helped me tremendously. Went to my friend's homes for dinner, invited along to Beef & Beer events, received drawings from my friend's kids to my kids showing their daddy with angel wings - simple (not so simple maybe) human kindness supports a grieving person.
You are a very nice person to want to help her. I'm sure you'll figure out just the right thing.

[olchik]

I would buy or cook a cake and invite her to have a cup of tea together. Probably she needs to talk to somebody and share her sorrow. You can become good friends. But your idea with soup is also very good!

[jmarie]

I appreciate the very caring advice that you have received here. I wanted toi chime in to agree that, if you ask if there is anything you can do, most likely, she is going to say no...because that is how a lot of people are. They really do not want to be a bother....even though they need a little attention at this time....

But if you take her some soup and/or bread, she will graciously accept it and it will truly be appreciated...not from the soup itself, as much from your act of kindness and the generosity of your spirit.

And God bless you for being concerned about this lady who is most likely crying herself to sleep at night....whatever you decide to do, is going to be a huge blessing.
Joyce