Would you find this to be tacky?

[LaraW]

I just got an e-card from my SIL. It was a thank you note for the gifts that I sent to SIL/BIL and my two nieces for Christmas.

While I appreciate the sentiment of sending a thank you note of some kind, I guess I'm a bit put-off by the fact that it was an e-card and they couldn't even take the 2 or 3 minutes it would take to hand write a note.

I made slippers for both of my nieces and cross-stitched a little wall hanging for SIL/BIL. I put what I feel was a fair amount of time and effort into their gifts and just got an email as an acknowledgement - no phone call to say thank you or a hand written note.

Maybe I'm being too sensitive here, but I'm just feeling like that was a bit tacky.

Oh well, onto bigger problems in teh world, I guess.

[Terri_A]

It was more than a bit tacky - it's BAD manners. If you think about it, a gift giver drives to the store, shops, picks out the perfect thing, pays for it, drives home, wraps the present and gives it to the recipient. In return, it is the responsibility of the receiver to handwrite a note of thanks and appreciation. While you should not give a gift simply to receive thanks, I don't think it's too much to ask that you be properly thanked for your thoughtfulness.

I find the e-card a useful tool for a fun email on a birthday or anniversary of someone with whom I do not have a close relationship, but as a thank you? I do believe Ms. Emily Post is rolling over in her grave!!!

Can you tell you hit a nerve with me? I'm a big proponent of thank you notes and even my 3 year old daughter spent part of her afternoon coloring pictures that will go in her thank you notes since she can't write yet. But, she knows that it's to tell people thank you for the nice thing they did for her.

[Goin' Coastal]

I agree - a definite lack of class there.

[Jazzmatazz49]

I think it's tacky, but I think I'm in the old-fashioned crowd. Pretty soon people will start thinking it's tacky to get a text message on their phone instead of a well-thought-out "handwritten" email. :D

[LaraW]

I guess the thing that annoys me the most is that I don't even know if the slippers fit the girls.

I made a pair of slippers for my sister as well, and she called me shortly after she opened them to say thank you. We were not able to connect until the day after Christmas, and by then she was able to tell me that she had worn them all day Christmas Day.

I'm just disappointed that all of my time and effort just seems to have gone completely unacknowledged. Maybe its because my sister also knits and so she knows the time/effort that goes into a project like that, and SIL doesn't and so has no idea about what it takes to find and pick out a pattern, yarn, and then do the actual knitting and felting.

[Andrea_2]

I had a similar experience with a neighbor of mine, and it still bugs me a few months later. I went out and bought her some really cute baby outfits for her daughter, and all I got was a simple e-mail saying "Thanks for the darling outfits, see you soon!" :rolleyes: So... yes I agree with you that it was tacky! I think it is even worse in your case since you put so much effort into the gifts!

[jellyben]

My friend sent me an e-card for Christmas. I wanted to send her a reply but between finding an appropriate one and registering on the site, it would have been far easier to just write her a note and stick it in the mailbox!!

I can see where one would find an e-thank you tacky, but I just don't see the big deal. It might take longer to handwrite (or not in my case!) but that really doesn't mean that they are any more grateful. I do think a nice phone call is in order. Perhaps she will follow up with a call in a day or so?

[Blissful_in_TX]

I think it’s tacky as well, but unfortunately I think it’s probably more common than not. If it’s any consolation, I’ve never in my life gotten a thank you note or even a thank you phone call from anyone on DH’s side of the family after the many presents we’ve given them (though albeit none of them were hand knitted). And I’m a real stickler for writing thank you notes, but I’ll admit that even I don’t always get them out for Christmas presents. :o

I actually read a really long article about Thank You notes today:
http://news.yahoo.com/s/usatoday/20051227/tc_usatoday/whateverhappenedtothankyounotes

Don’t even get me started on generic pre-printed thank you notes….those really boil my blood!

[Kathy B]

I think an email thank you is better than not getting a thank you at all which is often the norm. Like it or not, email is the way more and more people communicate, and it may seem perfectly natural to someone who uses the computer regularly to send most of their correspondence that way, thank you or otherwise. At least the gift was acknowledged.

I have spent a lot of time making gifts for my family and neighbors in years past, and frankly, the neighbors are much better about sending a note or at least thanking me verbally than my own brothers and sisters and their families. My dad used to tell my mom, "a gift should be given because you want to give it, with no thanks expected. If you are going to feel bad if no one says thanks, don't give it." I thought it seemed a little harsh when he used to say it, but it does make me think about how much effort I want to put into a gift. Personally, I enjoy making food gifts, so I will give them regardless of whether or not I get a thank you. But I love it when I do get a note, and I am certainly trying to ingrain that in my own kids.

[wallycat]

I have to agree that an e-thank you is better than no thank you...which has happened to me as well.
I live on the computer and so I don't mind getting it via e-mail. One less thing I need to recycle...but I wasn't raised with a lot of manners :o :eek: ;)

[aggie94]

I think an email thank you is better than not getting a thank you at all which is often the norm. Like it or not, email is the way more and more people communicate, and it may seem perfectly natural to someone who uses the computer regularly to send most of their correspondence that way, thank you or otherwise. At least the gift was acknowledged.

I have to agree. We used to buy gifts for all of DH's nephews and niece (11 in all) for b-days, Christmas, graduation, etc. After years of receiving no thank-yous or any other form of acknowledgements whatsoever, we stopped. And many of the kids were old enough to pick up the phone and call or write a thank-you. And if they weren't, their parents should have been doing it for/with them.

So while a hand-written thank-you or a phone call would have been more appropriate, I wouldn't be offended by an email thank you because, frankly, it'd be a step above anything I usually receive.

[southjerseymom]

Do people actually know how to write thank you notes? I remember this being ingrained in me by my mother and grammar school(even high school and Business Writing in college). Call me old fashioned but I think it is bad manners if there is NO acknowlegement. I get aggravated by this. I think a written thank you is the way to go, but in this day and age I'll take ANY acknowlegment.

[Escher]

It's not the end of the world. These are the sort of problems caused by a culture that demands gift-giving and the protocol of reciprocation. Instead, spend time with, rather than money/energy on, your loved ones.

Love is spelled t.i.m.e.

[stefania4]

This reminds me of the form-letter/Xeroxed "thank you note" (sent SEVEN MONTHS after their wedding) that I got a few years ago. Seriously - "Dear Guest, Thank you so much for thinking of us on our special day yadda yadda yadda." I actually had to sit down and question whether this was better than no acknowledgement at all.... Like you, I see absolutely no reason why she couldn't have spent five minutes and less than 40 cents on a stamp to send a proper thank-you for all your time and considerable thought and effort.

[Escher]

Such a funny thing about giving gifts... they are sent ostensibly the enrich the life of the recipient, and are freely given... yet that appears not to be the case...notice how insistant some are at being given proper acknowledgement.... in fact, some take offense at not being given enough "credit" for their gift.

Almost as if they are matching debits with credits....keeping score, as it were.

[donleyk]

It will take me a minute to explain this.... my intention is not to hijack this thread.

SIL sends us an email in the middle of December letting us know that she can't afford to buy gifts for the adults. THIS IS FINE WITH ME. However, I''m a tad more organized than she is and I already had her gift. I am not not going to give it to her because that isn't my idea of Christmas. I bought her something I thought she'd enjoy using.

She actually b*tched at us Christmas day with something like ... I told you I was buying gifts....

Gracious :rolleyes:

So, would it kill her to send a quick note (or email, really because this is how she communicates)? Apparently.

[donleyk]

Such a funny thing about giving gifts... they are sent ostensibly the enrich the life of the recipient, and are freely given... yet that appears not to be the case...notice how insistant some are at being given proper acknowledgement.... in fact, some take offense at not being given enough "credit" for their gift.

Almost as if they are matching debits with credits....keeping score, as it were.

Obviously, I don't agree. It's just good manners. You received something from someone. Acknowledge it.

[Terri_A]

Escher, I agree that time is much more of a gift than is any kind of tangible thing....but if a tangible thing is given, shouldn't you thank the person? If you were standing in front of me while opening a gift from me, would you think it not necessary to acknowledge the gift and thank me for it???? I think that even you would find it rude for someone to not acknowledge you when they open a present from you in front of you. Thank you notes are for gifts that were NOT opened in the presence of the giver, to let them know you received it - sort of a delivery confirmation. I don't give gifts expecting thank you notes, and I probably will not receive them for most of the gifts I sent, and that is fine - but I choose to uphold old fashioned traditions and to teach my daughter the gracious way to receive a gift and that is to Thank the giver whether they are present ( a verbal thank you ) or not ( a written thank you).

Okay....I'm done.

Thank you for reading! :D

[Kristilyn1]

To anyone who ever read The Education of Little Tree , in the book--the characters who were Cherokee, had the custom of anonymously leaving gifts for someone and the whole POINT was that you would know who sent it, but that you weren't supposed to know, as it would create a position of being in debt to someone.

I agree it's fairly tacky, but like others have said--I so rarely get thank you notes, I'd be thrilled to get one by email.

Kristi

[Escher]

Obviously, I don't agree.

That's ok. It would be a pretty boring forum if everyone agreed on everything.

Neat concept Kristlyn1

[newtricks]

I just got an e-card from my SIL. It was a thank you note for the gifts that I sent to SIL/BIL and my two nieces for Christmas.

While I appreciate the sentiment of sending a thank you note of some kind, I guess I'm a bit put-off by the fact that it was an e-card and they couldn't even take the 2 or 3 minutes it would take to hand write a note.

I made slippers for both of my nieces and cross-stitched a little wall hanging for SIL/BIL. I put what I feel was a fair amount of time and effort into their gifts and just got an email as an acknowledgement - no phone call to say thank you or a hand written note.

Maybe I'm being too sensitive here, but I'm just feeling like that was a bit tacky.

Oh well, onto bigger problems in teh world, I guess.

I think the "tackiness" is a judgement call. My mom would definitely say tacky, I say it's the thought that counts. Similar to the question of wether it's tacky to use computer labels on holiday cards.

Beyond the tackiness question, it sounds like you had expectations of your sil/bil that they were unaware of. You are taking the e-mail thank you as an indication of *how much* they appreciated your gift. If there is a pattern of thme not showing enough appreciation for things you've given them, then maybe you should consider not putting so much effort into their gifts so you won't be disappointed in their response. If this is a one time thing - just chalk it up to different strokes. :)

[newtricks]

It will take me a minute to explain this.... my intention is not to hijack this thread.

SIL sends us an email in the middle of December letting us know that she can't afford to buy gifts for the adults. THIS IS FINE WITH ME. However, I''m a tad more organized than she is and I already had her gift. I am not not going to give it to her because that isn't my idea of Christmas. I bought her something I thought she'd enjoy using.

She actually b*tched at us Christmas day with something like ... I told you I was buying gifts....

Gracious :rolleyes:

So, would it kill her to send a quick note (or email, really because this is how she communicates)? Apparently.

I would have been very embarrased if I were your sil. Especially if the reason that you had bought the present was becaue you are a "tad more organized". So she might be a little cheesed off at you?

Ah, family gatherings - ain't they the greatest?? ;)

[newtricks]

OK, one more post. I think my two previous post might sound critical and that's not my intention. I'm just pointing out that there's usually some underlying family "stuff" that comes out at gift-giving time. And how do I know this? well, my relationship with my sil, so if I'm coming off high and mighty - believe me I'm not. Totally been there (am there!). :)

[ellielk]

With regard to the e-card, you might look at it this way - she took the time to select what she thought was an appropriate card and sent some kind of message. Maybe the slippers didn't fit and she didn't want you to feel badly about it.

Donleyk, when you presented the gift to someone who had made it clear that they weren't going to buy you anything, did make it clear that you'd already purchased the gift before you knew they weren't buying for and you wanted them to have it even though you knew they weren't going to reciprocate? The receiver might have been embarassed or might have thought you were 'one-upping' her.

When I buy gifts for someone it's because I've seen something I think they might like and I want them to have it. While a thank-you is nice, an acknowledgement that the gift was received is expected - unless it's someone I hand the gift to and then no follow-up is expected or required by me.

That being said, I did, when my kids were young, make them write thank-you's or phone a thank you for their gifts. And, they do keep up that practice as do I.

[donleyk]

I would have been very embarrased if I were your sil. Especially if the reason that you had bought the present was becaue you are a "tad more organized". So she might be a little cheesed off at you?

Ah, family gatherings - ain't they the greatest?? ;)

Just to clarify... we begged for years for the adults to either skip gifting or for us to draw names... then it was SIL didn't want to buy for this BIL blah blah blah. It was a mess. And only worked for one year so we dropped it and went back for buying for all the sibs. Even she had let me know at the begining of November when I ordered the gifts I was giving the S'sIL I'd have still gotten her one. I am not going to gift all but one in a room full of people.

And I agree, family gatherings - they are the greatest ;) That's why I look forward to THIS weekend so much more!!! Happy New Year, y'all!

[donleyk]

Donleyk, when you presented the gift to someone who had made it clear that they weren't going to buy you anything, did make it clear that you'd already purchased the gift before you knew they weren't buying for and you wanted them to have it even though you knew they weren't going to reciprocate? The receiver might have been embarassed or might have thought you were 'one-upping' her.



You know, that's the funny part. As is our (me and her brother) habit we get their (the S'sIL) gifts from a business that we all appreciate and collect from. If she thought about then she'd have known that the middle of December wasn't sufficient and she certainly should have know Christmas day when she opened the gift.

I do appreciate what you and Barbara are saying. I even mentioned to DH that we should cut back next year because I thought there was some tension and his reply was, I like giving gifts! That said, there's a lot I am going to do differently next year. (I didn't make one repeater dish all of Christmas!)

[gertdog]

I think I agree with other posters- I don't know about "tacky"- she did take time to thank you for the gifts which is far, far better than no thanks at all. I always send written thank-yous in the mail, in part because many of the people who send me gifts are older relatives who so enjoy receiving mail, and also because their expectations are for a written note (some don't use computers at all; others do but would never dream of using email for thank-yous). And in part because it's how I've always done it and feel that it's appropriate.

But I do feel we may be experiencing a generational transition in terms of what is considered correct, as others have implied. I can see sending thanks by email or phone with some of my friends and not having anyone left feeling slighted.

[angelamaria]

in a word- yes. giving a handmade gift deserves a handmade signature at the least on a paper note. i think evites are ok for an informal gettogether but not for a dinner party that is formal, a wedding, etc. i think email thank yous are only ok as in -" thanks for meeting me for lunch i had a lot of fun" or something like that.
they are not ok for regular christmas presents or birthday gifts or wedding gifts. they are not appropriate if you stayed at someone's house to have a vacation at the beach for free. etc.
i finally had to tell my halfsister that by the age of 6 or 7 my niece was perfectly able to write her name on a thank you card. my halfsister never sent any on her behalf before that. i am making a conscious effort to be good about getting thank you notes out quickly so the person will know i received the item and usually try to call as well. it is not so much a "credit" but simple good manners i want my kids to learn. i agree if someone doesn't seem to care if you get their kids gifts etc it's time to not give them. i have dropped several families' kids off my list for this exact reason. i am only giving gifts if really necessary for family harmony.
i would rather have a handmade gift or baked good or have someone donate to a fave charity rather than purchase me anything as long as gifts are the subject. i don't want any more "stuff" to accumulate.

[SusanMac]

Well, I actually disagree. I think e-cards or even plain ol' email notes to say thank-you are great. Why does it have to be on paper and put into the mail? I mean, it's wonderful to get those, as well. But, just b/c it's online doesn't mean that the person didn't put the same amount of thought & effort into it.

[Angelina]

I guess I'm lucky because any gifts I get are given to me in person, so all I have to do is smile and say "Thank you!". I was not raised with the habit of writing thank you notes because there never was the occasion of doing so. The few relatives that lived far away from me did not send gifts and it would never have occurred to me to expect anything from them. And even if they did, they would have to be close enough for me to speak to them on a regular basis and then I probably would have thanked them over the phone.

On the other side, I don't send gifts to anyone who can't get them from me in person, and if I did, I would not expect a thank you note. But that's just me, obviously. :D

If anything, what I really find horrendous about the gift giving business is when people express displeasure or disappointment at receiving a gift they don't like. One year my MIL gave me a set of pink knitted toilet bowl cover, carpet and other cover-thingies for the bathroom. I didn't think anything of it, I just thanked her. I didn't think "Oh, how insulting! Oh, she doesn't know me at all!". She ALWAYS buys me something for Christmas and for my birthday and for all wedding anniversaries. She's 70-something, she has no money, and she has always been kind to me. This year I got half of a pajama (SP?). So what...I can use it anyway. I think that asking someone for a receipt so I can go exchange their gift would be very insulting, unless there is a REALLY good reason for it (i.e. the sweater has a hole, the basket has been nibbled by a mouse). But if it's just because it's pink and you only wear black....suck it up and vary your wardrobe a little.

Angela

[RunnerKim]

I don't think an E-card by its very nature is unacceptable or tacky. I would be disappointed if it simply had their names "signed" though. If there were some personal comments about the gifts then I think it's as legitimate as one that's hand-written. It's not the format but the sentiments and how sincere they are. Adding your name to a pre-made card (paper or electronic) is better than no thanks at all but not the way I'll be raising my children to acknowledge their gifts.

Kim

[dreamer]

If anything, what I really find horrendous about the gift giving business is when people express displeasure or disappointment at receiving a gift they don't like. One year my MIL gave me a set of pink knitted toilet bowl cover, carpet and other cover-thingies for the bathroom. I didn't think anything of it, I just thanked her. I didn't think "Oh, how insulting! Oh, she doesn't know me at all!". She ALWAYS buys me something for Christmas and for my birthday and for all wedding anniversaries. She's 70-something, she has no money, and she has always been kind to me. This year I got half of a pajama (SP?). So what...I can use it anyway. I think that asking someone for a receipt so I can go exchange their gift would be very insulting, unless there is a REALLY good reason for it (i.e. the sweater has a hole, the basket has been nibbled by a mouse). But if it's just because it's pink and you only wear black....suck it up and vary your wardrobe a little.

Angela
I have a relative who shares your view, but I don't - Gifts are given to please the recipient, not me the giver except that I want to give them something they like. While I may be disappointed if they don't like something, or even "hurt," I'd much rather me be a little hurt than them, and have them tell me so I don't repeat the problem- and hopefully they can exchange if for something they can use/like. If I think something might be hard to exchange (e.g. not a book!) I'll enclose a "gift receipt" (the kind without the price) or something. I want them to be happy.

As for the main issue in the thread, it's nice to see I have a lot of company on a number of fronts. First, I really prefer to get a handwritten note or a call - it does seem more like a 'gesture in kind,' just polite. Second, I see I'm not alone in giving gifts for years to children of relatives and never receiving thanks from the kids. More recently the mother thanked me on their behalf. I always wondered if I should quit giving to them, but dismissed it since it didn't seem right. Now they are grown, and surprise! not too good at writing notes for wedding gifts.

[jtoepfert100]

I guess I'm lucky because any gifts I get are given to me in person, so all I have to do is smile and say "Thank you!". I was not raised with the habit of writing thank you notes because there never was the occasion of doing so. The few relatives that lived far away from me did not send gifts and it would never have occurred to me to expect anything from them. And even if they did, they would have to be close enough for me to speak to them on a regular basis and then I probably would have thanked them over the phone.

I was raised that even if a gift is given in person, a thank you note is still appropriate.

I always send handwritten thank you notes, although many times they are written on the preprinted cards. I agree with the poster who stated that we are going through a generational transition. I'm one of the few people I know of my generation that still sends thank you notes and have actually been chastised by my inlaws for doing so. Because of the way I was raised, an e-card thank you is not something I would send, but I think it is going to become more common. My first thought was that, yes, it is tacky but on the other hand, it may SEEM tacky because of the way that we were raised, but do you think it's tacky to receive an ecard for your birthday or some other occasion? I don't. I think it's proper to send thank you notes but I guess I never expect to receive them except for something formal, like a wedding. So, if I received an e-card, I think I would think it was just nice the gift was acknowledged. :)

Editing to add that now that I think about it, the only times I haven't sent a written thank you is during swaps on the Board. I just send a PM or email thank you but I'm not sure why. Maybe because my only prior communication is via email or PM? Do you think this is tacky? This isn't rhetorical, I'm just concerned now that maybe this might be perceived as incorrect.

[Kathy B]

Editing to add that now that I think about it, the only times I haven't sent a written thank you is during swaps on the Board. I just send a PM or email thank you but I'm not sure why. Maybe because my only prior communication is via email or PM? Do you think this is tacky? This isn't rhetorical, I'm just concerned now that maybe this might be perceived as incorrect.

I'm surprised you are still allowed to post here!!!

:p

[LaraW]

I don't know that "offended" is the right word..I guess I was put off because I know that it only would take 3 minutes to write a note and put it in the mail. Its not that big of an effort.

I do know that some kind of acknowledgement is better than none at all and I did do this because I enjoyed doing it not for the thanks - but some acknowledgement is nice.

As for spending time vs money with family - I would have loved to do that but I am 9 months pregnant and unable to travel and BIL/SIL live in Wichita and we live in Denver...not an easy trip to make.

[jellyben]

As for spending time vs money with family - I would have loved to do that but I am 9 months pregnant and unable to travel and BIL/SIL live in Wichita and we live in Denver...not an easy trip to make.


Congratulations on your impending arrival!!

[Angelina]

I just don't feel gift giving should have strings attached and all the emotional investment in it. I mean, if somebody gives me a gift and then is going to get disappointed or offended because they didn't get a thank you card, please save everybody the trouble and don't give the gift. :p

It's like volunteering, in a way. When I donate my time and work for something, I really don't expect to be thanked and I don't. What matters to me is the joy and satisfaction of giving. And I know it's appreciated whether I get a note or not. Of course, if I go paint a school and they complain that I painted it pink instead of green, well....that's another story! ;)

[MusicMom]

I don't know that "offended" is the right word..I guess I was put off because I know that it only would take 3 minutes to write a note and put it in the mail. Its not that big of an effort.


Not necessarily. I've had two thank you notes in my purse waiting to be mailed until I have time to stop by the post office to buy stamps. :rolleyes:

I think that e-mail thank you notes can be appropriate depending on the circumstances and the preferences of the recipient. The cards that I am mailing are to people who like formalities. On the other hand, I would be satisfied with an electronic version, since I would just throw away a paper card anyway.

[Molli526]

I do both. I often write a handwritten thank you, but at Christmas, usually do the e-mail thank you,. I guess b/c we only exchange with immediate family and we thank them in person, which I was taught you also write and b/c it is my family who even goes beyond thanking in person, i.e. writing a thank you as well.

For all other gifts - birthdays, new baby, showers what have you, they all get a handwritten note.

I would be so happy if we were to get some sort of thank you, e-mail whatever, from DH's family.

[Jessica]

I usually send a handwritten note and I like receiving them. But I don't mind an email or even a phone call--and it isn't just about gratitude for the gift. If I mail something, it is simple courtesy to let me know it arrived. Our family is spread all over the country and so most gifts go by mail; it is impossible to see everyone at every holiday or birthday.

We have family members who never acknowledge gifts. They are on DH's side so I just let him decide whether to send stuff the next time; if it were a niece or nephew on my side, my sibling would hear about it from me. As in, "If little Susie doesn't have time to write a note, then Auntie Jess no longer has time to shop." My mother had a good trick for getting us to write notes, and we wrote our own once we could pick up a pencil and write. She kept the new toys or clothes until the note went in the mail.

To me, the manner of note (email, etc.) matters less than the child learning it is appropriate to thank people for gifts. It's like an RSVP. If you don't want to observe societal convention, go live in a cabin in Montana.