I've had an epiphany about holiday meals...

[Eat Dahlink Eat]

Every holiday I seize the opportunity to make a huge meal with everything from scratch b/c I am a foodie and the kitchen is my favorite place to be. I grew up in a Jewish home and very early on learned that "FOOD = LOVE". SO, I feel that to make the holidays special, I must make a spectacular meal. That I must nurture (read: feed well) these people I love so much. I have a husband and almost three-year-old daughter to share these special occasions with.
So, Christmas Day came and went and that night, after I put my sweet baby girl to bed I broke down to my hubby. I realized (my epiphany) that no one else wanted me in the kitchen all day and although they love to eat the food I make, they would have rathered me be in the living room with them enjoying my daughter's new toys and puzzles.
All of a sudden I realized that many times during the day, while I was toiling in the kitchen, I overheard my daughter saying "I wanna see my mommy". Then I remembered Thanksgiving Day (in the kitchen), my daughter's birthday (in the kitchen) and so on and so on. It broke my heart that I missed leisurely spending special days with my sweet girl and my husband b/c of my need to feed.
SO, I have come to accept that it is my need to do all this every holiday and that it's not what my daughter wants. She is so young, she could care less if she eats a bagel and cream cheese for Christmas dinner. She wants to have her mommy next to her. In the end, who am I doing all this for anyway? It's not the food that makes the holidays special (yes, it has taken me 36 years to figure this out) it's the company you keep.
Thanks for listening.
Lisa

[ADM]

You have it all worked out.

Yes, food does = love! And yes, that bagel, served with cream cheese does = love! Feel confident that everything will always balance out! Time for your family, time for cooking, and above all - time for love! Shalom and Merry Christmas!

[wallycat]

I don't have kids to worry about being away from, but it took about 5 years of marriage before I realized my DH, although is a foodie and enjoys food, doesn't live for it the way I do.
The last several years I have found it wonderful to "let it go." I still make things and occasionally toss in something "fancy," but I don't feel compelled to make 6 or 7 things that are many steps to a final product anymore.
I find I am less cranky at the end of the day, my meal is just as tasty and enjoyable, and my DH and I still feel the love :)

Happy Hanukkah!!

[Beth]

Think how many years and holiday meals you have ahead of you where you will make sure to scale and pace and enjoy time with your family. In future years, maybe it will even be cooking up a storm with your daughter, but for now -- make sure you take time for the little ones.

ADM said it well.

[Cookin4Love]

It's an important epiphany to have--one that will make holidays happier for you. Our Christmas dinner this year was beef stew in the crockpot, rolls from Costco, appetizer of cheese fondue, dessert of chocolate fondue. Simple, almost zero prep time. I realized years ago that I can pamper my family with "foodie" meals at other times of the year; holidays and other special days are meant to be together. Our Christmas dinners have ranged from deli trays with homemade soup, brisket (crockpot) with baked potatoes, meatloaf and mashed potatoes--to this year's stew. What you won't find is an elaborate, time-consuming meal.

I'm not in any way criticizing those who do elaborate meals on holidays; it just didn't work for our family. Of course, that could be because no one joins me in the kitchen, and they all have time together while I cook--but that's another whole thread!

[gardenmom]

I live for the special occasion cooking extravaganzas too, and I too am finally realizing they are more for my "food crafting" pleasure than the family's, so I scaled way back this Christmas too: Honeybaked ham, no homemade bread- store bought, premade(by me) carrot salad, cut up fruit, prebaked cookies, and steamed plain asparagus. It wasn't my dream meal, but everyone was happy and well fed, and I think I'll try and simplify even more, and save my food crafting for less busy times.

It still hurts to simplify!

[jmarie]

This is such a wonderful thread and at least you had this epiphany.

I wish that everyone in my DH's family would realize and contribute something to get MIL out of the kitchen and in the living room/den with the rest of the family. They are having the time of their lives. I help her in the kitchen and sometimes resent all the laughter in the other room. :( Maybe it makes her happy. :confused:
Joyce

[Jazzmatazz49]

You are right on! I finally realized my cooking frenzy during the holidays was selfish on my part. No one else wanted or appreciated the endless kitchen hours I was putting in and it caused resentment on my part when they weren't blown away by it. I even served pre-made grocery store mashed potatoes this year!

[Lrimerman]

I tend to be the same way. Birthday parties, holidays, etc. This year my mom made a Christmas Dinner and took it to my grandma's (we are Jewish, but my Grandma is not), and all I made was cranberry sauce. It felt weird, but it was nice that I didn't have to slave to make a nice meal.

DH and I have decided that from now on when we host a major meal (holiday, kid's birthday parties, etc.) that we are hiring help. My aunt always had help at dinners/parties, and she could enjoy her company. My cleaning lady will come and do a party, so I think for the next one we are hiring her. That way there is someone to start the dishes, clean up, put away leftovers, etc., so that we can visit with our guest. It will be worth the money to me, to be able to continue to have these nice events, but still enjoy them.

Lisa

[Grace]

This year we did a couple of Christmases with different parts of the family. The first one was with DH's father and his wife, along with DH's sister and her family. We're all German, so instead of cooking we went to the German Delicatessen and got a whole slew of German delicacies. Leberkaese, rollmopse, assorted aufschnitt, herring, pickles, dark bread, broetchen, etc., etc. Then we had assorted cookies and coffee for dessert.

My point is that there was no cooking involved, just arranging the store bought stuff on nice platters and having lots of condiments and relish trays, etc. Virtually no work at all. And I had THE BEST time ever. I haven't had such a wonderful time in I don't know how long. I even remarked how it really felt like Christmas (as in the way it felt when you were a kid). It made me want to go get store bought food for every occasion, and I love to cook! :o

The next Christmas I did was the full out beef tenderloin and all the trimmings, plus appetizers and desserts and drinks and everything. While it was wonderful and fun, I was a zombie the day after Xmas and sat in my pajamas until 5 pm. I did 5 loads of dishes that day too.

[jmarie]

After reading this thread, I have decided to do something different with my family next year. We have a couple of nice small restaurants around here, that close in the winter, only to open for parties during the Christmas Season.

I spend a small fortune when my family comes in, anyway, so I think next year, I am going to book my favorite place and invite them there with RSPV's mandated. The place I am thinking about is absolutely quaint and lovely, their food is delicious and this is something I could really enjoy with my family. I do my Christmas Party the first or second week in December, because there is a better chance of weather coperating, as per past history. I thought about doing this this year, but am now inspired!

Joyce!

[CookinginMO/KS]

I love this thread. The past eight years we've done a "no cook Christmas". Basically it consisted of a Honeybaked ham, smoked turkey, rolls, veggie trays, pre-made salads, apps and desserts. Lo and behold I thought this year I would shake things up and cook prime rib and all these wonderful sides. What was I thinking? My family are not foodies and could care less that I spent all day cooking and cleaning up afterwords. Not that they didn't appreciate it, they just care that there is a meal to eat, but not necessarily that its homemade. Lesson learned, back to the "no cook Christmas". Savor your time with your family & friends and save the fuss for non-holidays!

[jm1717]

I try to prepare as much as I can in advance, that way I have time to spend with my family. This year, I did Christmas morning brunch, and it worked out great because most all the dishes are prepped the night before and I just had to throw everything in the oven Christmas morning. I have two young boys who want me to play with them and their new toys from Santa on Christmas day, not be in the kitchen cooking, so I know exactly where you are coming from.

[Varaile]

This thread also struck a chord with me! Though Thanksgiving is my usual big food holiday, due to family circumstances we stayed home for Christmas this year and held a late-week "family open house".

Because we were going to have at least 10 people in our tiny home with a range of dietary requirements (sister can't have soy, nothing spicy for MIL, SIL is a vegetarian) I wanted to keep it ultra simple. I made ahead: cranberry meatballs and a southwestern squash stew, bought some whole grain bread to warm up, a variety of cheeses, some crackers and grapes, had my mom bring christmas cookies from her local bakery and had sparkling cider and hot tea.

For the first time that I can recall - I had nothing to do but VISIT!! Clean up was a snap because I used nice paper plates and I would wash glasses and sliver as I found them lying around. I didn't have a gazillion tons of leftovers. I wasn't frazzled at the end of the day, I could be with my guests and carry on a conversation. It. Was. Simply. WONDERFUL!!!

I would do this again in a heartbeat! :D

[Judy K.]

I can really relate to this thread. Each year, I drive myself crazy at Christmas buying gifts and cooking new recipes. I also have 2 traditional recipes that I can't live without. The truth is that I don't like Christmas very much. The whole thing makes me crazy.

This year was different. DH had major surgery on December 5. The physical and emotional toll on me was greater than I anticipated. But for his daughter's help buying a Christmas tree, we wouldn't have had one. I decorated it Christmas Eve! I did some serious thinking about what was important to me. I made my traditional dishes and bought a spiral cut ham at Costco. My brother brought the leftovers from his large family's brunch and we had a very relaxed Christmas day.

I am striving for serenity in the new year. I hope Christmas was the start of a serene year.

[Eat Dahlink Eat]

Thank you all for your supportive replies! I had no idea that others felt this way too. As foodies, I think we feel this incredible pressure (self-imposed, of course) to "perform" at the holidays.
It has been really validating to hear your responses.
Thanks,
Lisa

[VictoriaL]

On the other hand...

Because my grandmother passed away shortly before Christmas (she so loved holidays, the cooking and baking and entertaining), I just wasn't in the mood to do much of anything. I baked, but I didn't entertain at all. DH put up and decorated the tree, and also wrapped all of the gifts. I made a seafood stew for Christmas Eve at my parents' house, but delegated myself as dishwasher and pot scrubber for the Christmas Day dinner.

Now, a week later, I have to admit that I missed all of the cooking. I missed the beautiful crystal and china table setting. I missed decorating. I realize that it is all self-imposed, but it's what I like to do! Not being in the kitchen, cooking like a fiend, made me realize that to me, it's my favorite part of the season. Of course, not having children makes it easier for me to hole-up in the kitchen... ;)

[moonbeam]

I also feel sometimes I try to overdo for holiday/birthday dinners. Yes, I like to cook, (and I also admit to enjoying the compliments) but who am I really doing this for? My DH and kids just want a meal they like and if I am tired and cranky from over-the top preparations then what will my kids remember-the incredible meal or the fact that I spent the day holed up in the kitchen and not with them. Great thread.

[Cookin4Love]

On the other hand...

Now, a week later, I have to admit that I missed all of the cooking. I missed the beautiful crystal and china table setting. I missed decorating. I realize that it is all self-imposed, but it's what I like to do! Not being in the kitchen, cooking like a fiend, made me realize that to me, it's my favorite part of the season. Of course, not having children makes it easier for me to hole-up in the kitchen... ;)

As much as I enjoy our easier, stress-free Christmas meals, I understand this. I, too, miss the foodie aspect of it. For us, the trade off is worth it, and I just replicate that experience at other times. We used to go out for elaborate brunches on Christmas Day, then the kids grew up and really couldn't afford to go. So, now DH and I go the week before Christmas (except this year--we had a party at our house that weekend). I still get to have the brunch, see the decorations, relax, etc., but I get to do it before they inflate the price for the holiday and it's not an emotionally-charged thing if someone doesn't want to/can't afford to go.

It sounds like this was a difficult Christmas for you, one that called simply for survival. In the coming years, I'm sure you'll feel up to returning to celebrating in a way that makes you feel fulfilled. :)