children's fears

[DebGo]

DD (turning 4 in may) has recently developed "fears." i'm pretty sure this is "normal" for a child, but i'm just not sure how to handle it.

last night we were having dinner (dh was working late) so the 3 of us (dd #1 and dd 2 and i) were sitting at the table, it was dark outside and dd1 says, "i'm afraid of the dark." i told her the dark does seem a bit scary and that i used to be afraid of the dark too when i was a little girl (trying to justify her feelings), and then i told here there is really nothing truly to be afraid of (she doesn't really like crickets either -- although i've reassured her they are harmless).

at bed last night she told me she was afraid of me leaving. after reassuring her (i've left her a total of 1 night -- 18 months ago when we were finalizing dd2's adoption in another state). dh and i rarely go out and occassionally i enjoy an evening out with friends -- however in no way regularly.

these are just 2 examples of how she is talking about fears. anyone have experience with their children and ideas about what to say and how to handle these situations. i believe she is truly fearful and would like to ease those fears for her. is this possible???

thanks in advance for your thoughts.
debbie

[Kathy B]

Debbie,

It has been a while since mine were that little, so I googled "preschooler fears" and got quite a few hits. This site (http://parentcenter.babycenter.com/refcap/preschooler/pdevelopment/65581.html) looked pretty good.

Among other things, they suggest doing as you did and acknowledge their fears. They also say not to try to negate them, which can make them even more anxious, but instead to give them a plan of action. For instance, give them a nightlight or flashlight if they are afraid of the dark. Or walk past the scary dog together and holding hands. For the separation thing, I would probably tell her "I am not going anywhere. I am right here with you. If I DO have to go somewhere, I will let you know ahead of time, and we will make sure everything is OK until I get back. But I am not planning to go anywhere right now."

Hope that is useful, and I am sure you will get lots of other suggestions. :)

[beacooker]

My DS just turned 4, and we are going through similar things. I certainly don't have any 'right' answers, but I try to focus more on letting him talk through his fears, and we make up stories together about them (with him taking the lead). Every night at bedtime, I start a story, and he provides details taking it to where he wants to go with it. I'm often amazed and a bit freaked out by some of the things he comes up with (right now a popular story for us is a mean dinosaur coming to his school and eating some of the kids then pooping them into the potty, where they get stuck in the pipes!), but I figure he is talking through some of his fears this way. I just give the basic framework of the story (Once upon a time, there was a little boy named [his name]. He was at school one day when...) and he often then jumps in with what happened next. When he adds scary details to the story, I sometimes try to de-scarify them a little bit - i.e. when he wants the dinosaur to eat one of the kids, I have the dinosaur ask the kid first if he wants to be eaten, and the kid gives permission to be eaten. Sometimes my son will say no, the dinosaur didn't ask, and then ok, the dinosaur didn't ask. So, basically, I just try to give him free rein to take the story where he wants to go with it, to help get his fears out there where we can deal with them together, instead of him just kind of having them lurking in his subconcious. I do try to always end a story on a note of him being triumphant over whatever fear we were dealing with.

Some nights he doesn't feel like adding details to the story, so I just tell an innocuous story about a day he had at school or something. But I have been amazed at some of the things I have learned about him and the things he thinks about from doing this with him. And, in case it sounds like this is a scary excercise, he has never been scared at the end of the story. Most of the time, we are both laughing by the end of it. And sometimes after we are done with the story, I will say something like what a good story it was, and I am glad that it isn't something that could really happen.

Reading this over, it sounds a bit weird! Hopefully I'm helping him, and not scarring him for life!!

[mrswaz]

It sounds like you're doing the right things, reassurance does a lot for a little one. Just wait till they start school. :rolleyes:
Around the 4th week of kindergarten was fire safety week at school for DD. Part of that was a field trip to the fire station, which she was looking forward to. At the fire station they showed a fire safety video. TRAUMA!!! In the video they show a little girl playing with a candle in her bedroom, of course, it tips over and starts a raging fire, and, no lie, the kids are led to believe that this girl died as a result. According to her teacher, DD Was practically hysterical about this video, and she had to stay home from school the rest of the week she was so upset. This was in September. We still cannot burn a candle in our home, and the mere mention of fire by anyone leads to her withdrawing. We have done absolutely everything we can think of to reassure her. I am just hoping the consistent reassurance and time will help her deal with this.