sympathy gift idea needed

[boisewinesnob]

One of my sons' baseball coaches has just recently lost his infant daughter. She was born very premature and only lived about a week. It was their first child and I remember him telling me last fall at the school parent night that they were expecting; he was so excited! :( He is also one DS's history teacher.

Anyway, my sons are going to the funeral today (I have class and can't go as I have a presentation to give) and I'd like to get them something a little more than just a card. I don't know his wife at all.
Any ideas? I was thinking a gift card to Starbucks or some restaurant, but I really don't know what to give.

[zwieback]

That is so sad. Perhaps a donation to the March of Dimes?

If you go for the restaurant gift certificate idea, I'd pick a restaurant where they can get take out. It might be hard to get out of the house after such a tragedy, at least for a while.

[oceanjasper]

Could you maybe donate something in the child's memory? I know there are some other neat things, such as naming stars after someone. That would be pretty cool. Also, I have seen something where you can 'adopt' an animal, usually an endangered species. The animal stays where it is, but you get a certificate. Anything like that would be something that would honour the life of the child and be lasting.

[blazedog]

I don't think one generally gifts people suffering a bereavement.

Generally, people make an appropriate donation to a charity -- this is often specified in some way.

Gifts of food are very traditional because typically people have lots of people visiting and need food and also because cooking and taking care of oneself are difficult.

Maybe it's me but I would have thought a gift card to Starbucks or a restaurant from an acquaintance to be odd after a death in my family. I would have appreciated a friend taking me out to dinner but that's different.

[Kathy B]

What about a tree they could plant in their yard in memory of the baby? That would be long lasting, beautiful and daily way to remember the child that would also have some practical aspects as opposed to a knick knack type item.

ETA this might make a good gift from the team or at least any families on the team that wish to contribute. Even if it comes a week or two after the funeral (since it would take a little time to coordinate) it would still be very appropriate.

[boisewinesnob]

What about a tree they could plant in their yard in memory of the baby? That would be long lasting, beautiful and daily way to remember the child that would also have some practical aspects as opposed to a knick knack type item.

ETA this might make a good gift from the team or at least any families on the team that wish to contribute. Even if it comes a week or two after the funeral (since it would take a little time to coordinate) it would still be very appropriate.

I was thinking of getting a rose bush or something, but I don't know if they own a home or not. They are pretty young. Maybe I'll email the head coach and ask him

Thanks :)

[Lillith]

I think a restaurant gift cert. for take-out is a great idea. I'm sure the coach and his wife are walking around in a fog and not thinking about food shopping or cooking. I'm sure whatever you decide to do will be appreciated and it's very nice of you to be so thoughtful.

[Kiwismommy]

We have very close friends that lost their oldest child in a motor vehicle accident. They received a few things for the garden - one being a Butterfly Bush - which was a beautiful idea - unfortunatley the bush died after one particularily cold winter.

The Memory Card at the Funeral Home had the poem "Footprints" printed and they gave all of us close to Brad a bookmark with the same poem. Soon after I found a garden stone/plate with the identical poem and a pair of feet in the sand. It now holds a place of honour on a wall surrounding their patio.

Another couple gave them a very sweet collectors plate with a young family on it and they wrote some lovely words on the back.

Along with special donations I really like to find a very special keepsake for the family.

I can't imagine anything worse than losing a child of any age.

[boisewinesnob]

I got them a rose bush which I'll give him tomorrow.

On the sympathy card, would it be appropriate to refer to the baby's name? I don't want to not mention it, as if she never existed, you know? I was thinking of addressing it to "Mary's mommy and daddy" or something. Is that OK?

I am completely clueless as we've been fortunate enough to not have any close friends or family who have lost a child.

[blazedog]

I got them a rose bush which I'll give him tomorrow.

On the sympathy card, would it be appropriate to refer to the baby's name? I don't want to not mention it, as if she never existed, you know? I was thinking of addressing it to "Mary's mommy and daddy" or something. Is that OK?

I am completely clueless as we've been fortunate enough to not have any close friends or family who have lost a child.

I am pretty traditional but I would address the letter to Mr. & Mrs. or Jane & John and then Dear Jane/John - whatever salutation you use.

I would then follow standard procedure which is to say something like I am so sorry to hear of the loss of your daughter Mary -- etc.

My brother died and so I went through this on many different angles -- of course he was older but even his friends who didn't know my parents addressed the letters to my parents as individuals -- not to David's parents.

You never can go wrong by just being simple and expressing your sorrow at the loss - do not however state the following

You "understand" what they must be going through
God never does anything that doesn't have a purpose
This too will pass -- or any sentiment similar to it.

Oh yeah, in my parents' case, some nitwits also commented that they were lucky to have another child -- as if children were sweaters so if one got ruined, you were lucky to have a spare -- I would assume the analogous foot in mouth comment would be saying that they can have other children.

[jjsooner73]

My parents have 4 beautiful trees planted in memory of my nephew--a wonderful gift they received in his memory. When they move soon, the trees are going w/ them (luckily they know a tree farmer who has the equipment needed to orchestrate the move). My mom was given a Precious Memories figurine of a little boy who represented my nephew...mom cherishes is to this day.

When a friend's child died (similar sounding--preemie, lived 12 days, first child), I made a donation in his memory to the NICU where he spent his life.
It's been 5 years since he died, and I still send the family a card every year, just to let them know I remember and am thinking about them. This past month, she emailed me and said she appreciates that I'm one who still remembers. People tend to forget, or think they've 'gotten over it', which is something they'll never do. I intend to keep doing this, just as I send flowers to my nephew's grave every year on the anniversary date of his death.

So, if next year on the anniversary (and major holidays-Christmas, Hanukah, etc.), it might be an appreciated gesture to give them a card or something...just to let them know you remember.

[Kathy B]

So, if next year on the anniversary (and major holidays-Christmas, Hanukah, etc.), it might be an appreciated gesture to give them a card or something...just to let them know you remember.

An excellent suggestion.

I think it would be very appropriate to refer to the baby by name in the card. It will be appreciated.

[myredcactus]

I work for the March of Dimes. One of our main mission focuses is on support for families who have babies in the NICU. Unfortunately, the severity of certain newborn hearlth problems can lead to death. The March of Dimes Bereavement Kit (The March of Dimes Bereavement Kit is designed especially for parents who experience the loss of a child from conception through the first month of life.) is designed especially for parents who experience the loss of a child from conception through the first month of life.

You can also contact your local March of Dimes chapter to find ways to help support your friend.