Family situation - input needed

[misskitty100]

Sometimes I can be blind to situations that are too close and see things crystal clear for other people. This is one of those times I am feeling blind and am hoping others can see this for what it is and spell it out for me.

Something has been bothering me about MIL regarding the grandkids but I can't figure out exactly what it is. We have 2 children and BIL/SIL have 3 children.

DH & I put spending time as a family as our #1 priority and take a lot of care to find "family" things to do. That also means not spending $$ on things for ourselves/home etc. so we have the funds to go to the circus, take classes, go to a museum and clothe our kids.

BIL/SIL are basically the opposite (I am not judging them - just stating the obvious). For example, they don't sign there kids up for classes, take them many places (too much trouble for them) etc. If the kids need clothes (winter coats/pajamas, for example) MIL buys them. She would buy stuff for us too but we don't "need" things because we have already taken care of our kids needs first before our own. MIL also does the grocery shopping & laundry for BIL/SIL each week as well as take care of their 3 kids 2 days a week (SIL does not work). MIL arrives at their house in the morning to wake the kids (while SIL sleeps), dresses them, makes breakfast etc. She also cooks dinner for them on the 2 days she is there with huge portions so there are plenty of leftovers.

Whenever MIL hears that we have done an activity -- she wants to know all about it so she can do it with the other grandchildren. DH took our son to a show last Saturday at the local church. MIL found out Saturday morning that they were going to the show so she got in her car and drove over to the church to see if there were anymore tickets left so BIL/SIL could take their kids too. BIL/SIL did NOT ask MIL to look into this for them. This is just one example of many I could list.

Anyway, is this just some sort of co-dependency that I should just be thankful that DH & I are not involved in or is there something else going on here? I just have a "weird" feeling. Any insight would be helpful.

P.S. Please don't misunderstand, BIL/SIL's kids deserve all of the time and attention that MIL (their grandma) gives them and I definitely don't harbor any bad feelings toward her (or them) for that.

[tbb113]

I would think that SIL has some problems(that she wants kept secret) that MIL is aware of and therefore MIL pitches in to help her.

If not...it does sound very odd

[Goin' Coastal]

Is SIL MIL's daughter? If she is, I tend to agree she might have a problem she wants to keep secret. Otherwise, maybe MIL simply recognizes the other's "shortcomings" and does what she can to make up for it.

[stefania4]

I'm a little confused - are you feeling that you and/or your kids are shortchanged on MIL's attention? Or are you concerned that there's a parenting issue in the other family and your MIL is trying to make up for it?

[mobear]

I agree with the previous two posters, and/or the SIL is just using the MIL. I had an aunt and uncle do very much the same thing...only we lived all the way across the country so our grandparents could or would not help us. There were problems as well as taking advantage of the grandparents by the aunt and uncle.

I personally think you are doing your own children a favor by being a better role model. They will learn to focus on the family, value education, to save money, how to take care of themselves (cooking and cleaning), and to enjoy life. I reflect on this in my own upbringing. --> I hope this HO helps you.

[colleency]

Wow! This is a very similar dynamic to what goes on in my MIL's mother's family. GMIL always takes care of MIL's sister's kids and does things with their family, leaving MIL and her kids out. In their case it is very obvious to us that MIL's sister is very manipulative. She also plays everyone against everyone else.

[dearamy]

I too, wonder if your SIL is MIL's daughter? Other than that, I just want to say that your kids are lucky to have you & DH as their parents!

[misskitty100]

Is SIL MIL's daughter? If she is, I tend to agree she might have a problem she wants to keep secret. Otherwise, maybe MIL simply recognizes the other's "shortcomings" and does what she can to make up for it.


MIL is HER MIL too. We are both married to MIL's sons.

SIL's parents live close by and do not help anywhere near what MIL does.

[Peweh]

Sounds a lot like my family... indulgent Grandma (my mom, SIL's MIL) who wants to dote on her grandkids, and bro/SIL who let her do it to the point of taking advantage - only because she lets them. I don't have kids but know if I did she would do the same for me, if I let her. I'm proud my mom has started saying NO when she realizes she's killing herself while SIL is enjoying down time several days/nights a week while mom watches the kids. As long as your MIL is enjoying it I'd let her be but then again it's my mom so it's easier for me to say WHAT ARE YOU CRAZY than it might be for you to MIL.

Anyone else get tired reading this thread thinking "who is whose MIL/SIL/GMIL/son etc??? :D

[imloulou]

Do you have a good relationship with MIL?...if so (and there are no underlying issues) maybe she sees that you and your husband have everything under control and see that your kids are very well taken care of, have social experiences, etc and she doesnt see that happening with her other grandkids. She may want what you have done and do with your kids to take place with her other grandkids and doesnt see it happening unless she does it herself? She may be looking at your family as an example?

Just another idea.

You guys sound like great parents!

[ChristyMarie]

I agree with the previous two posters, and/or the SIL is just using the MIL. I had an aunt and uncle do very much the same thing...only we lived all the way across the country so our grandparents could or would not help us. There were problems as well as taking advantage of the grandparents by the aunt and uncle.

I personally think you are doing your own children a favor by being a better role model. They will learn to focus on the family, value education, to save money, how to take care of themselves (cooking and cleaning), and to enjoy life. I reflect on this in my own upbringing. --> I hope this HO helps you.

I agree completely. I think in the long run your SIL's children are going to suffer because of their mother's laziness - unless she has some medical condition you're not aware of but I would think anything that serious couldn't be kept secret for long. I'm also very impressed that you haven't let it bother you - it would be driving me insane! Keep doing what you're doing - your children see who takes care of them and will grow up very secure.

[GingerPow]

Sounds eerily similar to my family situation - we take care of our own family and my dear MIL wears herself out doing for my DH's brother and his son.

In our family situation, it is very clear. SIL is hell on wheels, DH's brother does not deal well with turmoil or stress well (he is in his 40's and needs to grow up and handle his life), MIL worries about her son and grandson so she does as much as she can for them because it is her way of helping.

SIL not only accepts the help, but adds more to it. Her attitude & behavior indicates that MIL & FIL are in her employ. Hhhmm, is my disdain apparent? :rolleyes:

We are the helpers in the family. We take care of our own family very well, and the in-laws, too. We have a vacation home which they may use at any time, which they do. They need a break from the BIL & SIL situation now and again as it just wears on them. They're in their late 70's and don't need the worry, but take it on.

As stated previously, who knows what goes on in your BIL and SIL's house. Thank goodness their kids have a wonderful grandmother. They will have special memories of HER doing these things with them and for them. What issues regarding their mother will they be left with?

[wallycat]

I haven't read through all the posts but I am sure you've already received some great advice.

Some people are "users" or at least don't mind being taken care of in any way, shape and form. Others feel guilty asking for help and want to do everything themselves. Additionally, some people NEED to be NEEDED and if you find a "user" to go with a "needer" you have a match made in heaven! Perhaps that is what is going on.

I doubt discussing this will alter any actions on the parties mentioned, but at least you might feel better knowing they understand your feelings.

My sister was (is?? --haven't seen in her over 12 years now) a "user." My father, the "needer." I had discussed the obvious with him on many occasions and it always fell on deaf ears. His comment was always, "but you can take care of yourself and she needs me." Ummm...right. :rolleyes:

[LakeMartinGal]

Do you have a good relationship with MIL?...if so (and there are no underlying issues) maybe she sees that you and your husband have everything under control and see that your kids are very well taken care of, have social experiences, etc and she doesnt see that happening with her other grandkids. She may want what you have done and do with your kids to take place with her other grandkids and doesnt see it happening unless she does it herself? She may be looking at your family as an example?

Just another idea.

You guys sound like great parents!

I agree totally! Sounds like a situation to stay out of, for you. MIL has it under control as best she can, and getting into it would just stir the pot. Your children are lucky, and will be better adults because of your example! Hat's off to you! :)

[Ann1965]

My husband had a similar situation in his family. His cousin has 2 kids. Mom and Dad reared the first, but Grandma and Grandpa reared the second. The child practically lived with them. They took him to school, all after school activities and anything else he wanted to do. He even went on many nice vacations with them. After several years, Grandpa became ill with cancer. Grandma had to devote all her time and energy to her husband. The kid was now a teen. The kid spent the next couple of years between houses, not really living anywhere. He also fell into a bad crowd. After grandpa died the parents realized they needed to regain control, but it was too late. Kid now on drugs, drinking and doing whatever else he pleases. Parents just washed hands of him. I hope the parents get a clue before it's too late!

[cminmd]

I would say "Thank your lucky stars!!!"
The more your mother in law is in her business, the less she is in yours. Personally I would be grossed out by having someone come into my house while I was sleeping and getting the kids off to school- yick- but if she likes it and GMa wants to do it, what's the harm?

Are you annoyed that your MIL buys them stuff for the kids, theirby freeing up fun money for them? You could always ask your mom to pay for some of the classes. I ask my parents to give the kids gifts of activities instead of toys since kids have too many toys as it is. She gives my daughter 1/2 her horseback lessons for Christmas.

Is your MIL able to afford the stuff she is giving them? Is she buying the kids pajamas, but not able to buy herself stuff she needs?

[misskitty100]

Some people are "users" or at least don't mind being taken care of in any way, shape and form. Others feel guilty asking for help and want to do everything themselves. Additionally, some people NEED to be NEEDED and if you find a "user" to go with a "needer" you have a match made in heaven! Perhaps that is what is going on.



This is it!! SIL is a total user and takes ridiculous advantage of MIL. MIL is extremely "needy" and sometimes I wonder if she "creates" or manipulates situtations just so she is needed more.

I DO feel guilty asking for help and enjoy doing things for myself.

I know MIL is exhausted from caring for BIL's family yet at the same time I KNOW she wishes we needed her more to help with our kids. Seems like such a vicious cycle.

I have no intention of saying anything about this to MIL -- I don't think it would serve any purpose at all.

Ann1965 - What a sad situation for that little boy.

It is interesting to me that so many others have similar situations in their families too.

[BarbaraL]

It sounds like the other posters have nailed the situation - a "user" finding a "need-to-be needed" person. You and your spouse sound like great parents; spending time with your kids, exposing them to new experiences and creating wonderful memories and bonds between you.

If you have a good relationship with your MIL, could you consider occasionally inviting her along on one of your excursions, or inviting her over for dinner, etc? (NOT to imply that you DON"T invite her over) Could it be that she's lonely? It sounds like she could use a break from her DIL (your SIL) and might enjoy being a guest for a change. Just a thought.