Overly Competitive Sports Parents???

[hollysmom]

Ok - Holly is playing 8U Softball this spring. It is fairly competitive and I have been very careful to let the coaches coach and just play up the 'fun' and learning side. They are winning most of their games - but I am not concerned with their winning or losing. I am not interested in Holly trying out for the 'All-Stars' this year because she's just not that good yet and I don't want her to be disappointed. (Also - even more money and travel expenses)

Monday's game ended in a tie when the 6 year old of the coach (his 8 year old is playing too - they are on the same team to make it easier for the parents) grounded into an out and couldn't beat the throw (because she's 6) and burst into tears. I tried to comfort her by telling her it was a good hit and alerting the coach that the kid was upset. The coach's wife (who is the dugout coach) said 'ok she's ok' , grabbed the child - told her to get out of the dugout because she was crying, took her a few feet away from the dugout and chewed her out for crying . Remember - this is a 6 year old.

This mom is the manager of the Pop Warner football league cheerleaders (don't even get me started on that - $200 and practice 4 time/week plus games all day Saturday) and just seems really competitive.

Am I the 'slacker' here? Are these other parents doing the right thing by stressing winning and competition? I keep hearing about how these boys in Little League and Select teams get burned out even before high school.

Would love some opinions from current and former 'sports parents'

SSM

[lindrusso]

I think in your heart you already know the answer. You are NOT a slacker and that woman was WAY off base. And you can't even really say anything to the woman about how she treated the player since it was her own child (if I read that right).

Some parents are just way too hard on their kids. And some coaches are just way too hard on their players. They get caught up in their own agendas and rob the kids of what a great experience playing sports can be.

I think it's okay for kids to be competitive, as long as it doesn't go too far and as long as they are not forced to be something they are not or do something they don't want to do. I don't believe in making everyone feel like a winner by giving out trophies to anyone who breathes, but I also don't believe in making it all about winning and not teaching proper sportsmanship and keeping the game FUN.

My son is in coach pitch Little League and is a great athlete. I get caught up in the excitement and love for him to do well, but no way would I ever forget that he is still a kid and it's still, after all, just a game.

We have asked for the same coach every year since t-ball, so he's had the same coach for 4 years now. What I love about this coach is that he teaches them how to be good ball players, but he also is gentle, makes sure that EVERYONE plays no matter what and teaches them to be good sports about the game. I just love him. He is gentle, but he also makes sure that the players treat each other with respect and will discipline if necessary.

It's a shame when grownups take the fun out of sports and turn it into something ugly.

[schuh]

OK ... how about if I give you another perspective.

I have subbed as bench coach for my son's team. A whole bunch of 6-year-old kids in a small confined space can be hard to deal with. Why don't you try it for a game and see if you end up short tempered at the end? It doesn't sound like she chewed out her kid for not scoring, which is what would indicate ultra-competitive to me. Perhaps that 6-year-old had cried one time too many that day. As a whole, I think people should give moms a little more slack. (And P.S., our Little League doesn't even keep score until the kids are 8.)

Pop Warner cheerleading, on the other hand, is a big-time commitment here in terms of money and time. I'm amazed at the hours moms spend curling their girls' hair into perfect little ringlets that sit on top of their heads. And the money on uniforms and endless bright white shoes. The girls seem totally into it, though. I wouldn't think you were a slacker at all for not wanting to touch that scene with a 10-foot-pole.

[Kristilyn1]

both my kids play football--the organization that a lot of Pop Warner teams split off into and while I had always heard that football was ridiculously competitive--it isn't here. All the kids play, the focus is on learning and while we have had to play stacked teams in other towns--our teams are not stacked. We do have a cheerleading squad with us and yes, they practice every night like the players--but it seems pretty low-key. No weird makeup, some of the girls are overweight and obviously lacking coordination but everyone who wants in is in.

We did have experience with an indoor soccer league where one coach was teaching his players (these are U8's mind you) to have the first kid "touch" the ball with his toe and then the next kid runs up and drills it into the opposite net--usually injuring the goalie. They did this repeatedly and while I understand it's a valid play and one that older kids will employ--I thought it was way out of line for such small kids to be taught a maneuver that while it allowed them to score, it was at the cost of hurting their opponents, and yes--someone got hurt every time they did the play.

We did wrestling for two years but when my son wanted to quit, we were relieved to get away from the psycho parents. I would see parents repeatedly screaming at their kids during and after wrestling matches for not doing things right, etc. and these are kids as young as 6. One woman whose son was wrestling mine was repeatedly screaming such gems as "hurt him! Hurt him!" and "shove his face in the mat", etc. Charming. It was fairly routine to see the losing child in a match in tears on the sidelines.

Kristi

[stefania4]

I was a competitive gymnast - my parents never made me go, I just really enjoyed it.

When I was in elementary school there was a girl on our team who wasn't allowed to just hang out and talk, she had to be practicing or doing calisthenics. Her father eventually quit his job to manage her "career." Can you imagine that kind of pressure when you're 11 years old??? He transferred her to another gym and, within 6 months, she had a mental health breakdown and was institutionalized. Now that I think about it, I never did hear what happened after that; hopefully she's leading a healthy and balanced life.

As a former student athlete - and one that did fine but was never going to be considered a prospective Olympian - I wholeheartedly support your attitude. I know you know this, but the cue about what to do comes more from your child (and your gut) than from other parents. There's a huge difference between "Daddy and I want you to be active and be on a team" and "WIN! WIN!" I suspect your attitude is the former, with a healthy dose of "Daddy and I want you to do things that are fun and healthful."

I'm so glad I have the athletic background - I was in great shape, I had a healthy outlet for stress, I learned a LOT about winning and losing gracefully and pushing my perceived limits. I'm equally glad that my parents were supportive without losing focus of the fact that I was their kid and a person in my own right, not their own past youth or the sole source of their self-esteem.

[GingerPow]

Why don't you try it for a game and see if you end up short tempered at the end?
We did try it! DH coached T-ball when the kids were little, baseball when they were bigger, also basketball. I was in there lending a hand, along with the assistant coaches.

Things were kept under control, the kids had a good time, and learned about the game and sportsmanship. I had parents tell me at the start of the season that they were relieved to hear that my DH was their child's coach. He doesn't get angry, doesn't humiliate the kids, has patience, teaches them the game - the joys of winning and dealing with it graciously when you don't.

We have witnessed parents screaming at the kids, one poor kid had to endure such a berating from his coach, who happened to be his father. The ref kicked dear old dad out of the game! We have seen it all... Luckily, that is the minority.

[Robyn1007]

Well, I don't have kids but I do coach to this age group so I think I can speak somewhat intelligently about the subject. I have certainly been stern with a child now and again, its impossible not to in order to get a point across, especially when dealing with a number of them all at once but I always check my tone, volume and words to make sure that I'm not being unreasonable and not getting to a point that would scare a child. I can understand the frustration of the coach but don't agree with the way it was handled.

Robyn

[Chefzhat]

Oh boy. I HATE competitive sports. I'm so glad we're not dealing with it this year. A few of the parents make it such an uncomfortable experience. Not all, but enough to make you go "ack!".

However. Removing a crying kid from the bench is a good thing. I know she's only six (and probably shouldn't be playing with the 8 y.o.) - but still. "There's no crying in baseball". I would have removed my kid too. Not taken him off to crab on him, but removed him.

Debie

[ellielk]

But, let's face it. There are a lot of parents who live through their kids and for them their child's success or (perceived) failure is their success or failure.

[greta]

hollysmom,

i played volleyball at the college level, and saw a few parents of teammates behave like children when it came to their daughters, and how much playing time they'd get, or wouldn't get, etc. it was unhealthy, and either embarrassed the daughter or made the daughter feel deserving of more than she was really deserving of. kwim?

i honestly believe that had my parents been the overly competitive type, i would never have gotten as far as i did...i wouldn't have enjoyed playing--and, therefore would have either stopped playing, or would never have been as good as i was.

there is a way to encourage kids, without overwhelming them, embarassing them, or making them feel they are entitled to something whether or not they're deserving of it.

greta

[boisewinesnob]

I'm so glad I have the athletic background - I was in great shape, I had a healthy outlet for stress, I learned a LOT about winning and losing gracefully and pushing my perceived limits. I'm equally glad that my parents were supportive without losing focus of the fact that I was their kid and a person in my own right, not their own past youth or the sole source of their self-esteem.

Great post.

Also, if you are on a team sport, you learn about being part of a team and working together. I can't tell you how much my kids have learned from great coaching that can apply to other areas of their life.
My son's current varsity baseball coach is awesome. Every year when they go on a trip for a tournament he makes them bring dress clothing and they all go out to a nice restaurant as a team. Coach does not let them wear hats indoors, no sagging pants, no hats on backwards or crooked when they are in uniform, etc. He is VERY strict about their appearance and behavior both on and off the field. No throwing bats when they strike out or arguing with umps. He is not only teaching them how to be great players but how to be great sportsmen as well.

Of course, this is late high school level of play with some of the kids getting ready to play at the college level, so the amount of "oh, they're just there to have fun....." is not the same.
But when they were little it was different and I remember many coaches and parents who were WAY too over the top with screaming and carrying on. In fact, this same coach I was talking about has told one of OUR team parents not to come back to his field because he is always whining about who is playing at what position, why the lineup is the way it is, etc. :rolleyes:
When they are in grade school it should be all about having fun and learning to both win and lose gracefully.

[AvrilH]

I think the coach was right to remove the upset player from the dugout for the sake of the player. It is darn embarassing to lose control of yourself, even when you are 6. It is too bad the caoch/ mom couldn't step in for the private pat on the back and pep talk, and instead made the poor kid feel worse.

If I ever heard a coach BERATING my 6 yo - I would be livid. Sports are fun! Sports are healthy! That's what my kids are there for. Humiliation and degradation would not be tolerated by me AT ALL.