How would you handle this situation...

[erinlovesmarc]

my MIL has been driving me crazy with our wedding since my fiance proposed last year...she's had something to say about every decision we've made and maybe I'm at the end of my rope with the wedding 2 weeks away but I'd like to know how every one else would handle this...

my sister is my maid of honor...she had started shopping for a dress ages ago but didn't find anything she liked (she also doesn't have much patience and often needs someone with her for opinions)...since we live 16 hours of driving apart it was impossible to shop for a dress together...she was planning on buying a dress about a month ago but then she found out she was pregnant and decided to wait a few more weeks to see how much weight she was going to gain before committing to one...of course, it is all last minute but I totally understand that my sister doesn't want to buy a dress that won't fit by the wedding since she's gaining so much weight already...she went from a size 6 to a size 10 in a month! Anyways, she started scoping out maternity stores but the only nice dresses that fit her are in black...now I'm not thrilled that's she's going to be wearing a black dress to my June garden wedding but I can understand how hard it must be to find a dress especially since she's pregnant now...my MIL is absolutely freaking out that she's wearing a black dress and is very upset...she knows that my sister is pregnant and I tried to calm her down and explain to her that it is very hard for her to find a dress and she can't shop all day every day since she's supposed to be off her feet (she bled a little last week)...I don't know what to do about this...she's driving me crazy...every time I speak to her she brings it up...I try to change the subject politely but she won't let up...my fiance has even tried talking to her to no avail...

[BarbaraL]

Wow, sorry you're going through this. Could your sister go to a bridal shop, buy something in stock and have it altered? Or work with a personal shopper from a department store (so she could be off her feet)? If she's only a month or two pregnant, the weight she's gained isn't a "baby belly" so she doesn't necessarily need a maternity dress. I agree with your MIL that a black dress on an honor attendant isn't optimal.

[blazedog]

I've gone to a number of weddings where the attendents wore black -- the bride told them to pick out a black dress they liked and everyone was really happy with it -- the bridesmaids most of all because they actually were spending money on a dress they could use -- Sorry but I don't know anyone who actually wore any pastel colored dress bought for a wedding and they were ALL told that the bride had picked a dress that could be worn for other occasions. :D :D

So personally I would go with a black and white wedding for everyone -- assuming you have other attendants -- they will all be absolutely thrilled :p and everyone will look chic.

[Laura]

Hmm... well a black dress for a garden wedding is a little odd, but I do think black dresses are very pretty at weddings. It sounds like no amount of talking to your MIL will make her stop freaking, and you are also dealing with an indecisive, hormonal sister who is likely worried about her pregnancy. I would see if you can find some dresses (I know, you probably don't have time), that you think might make both of you happy and have them ready for your sister to try on before the wedding. If none of them work, she will wear the black. You MIL (I know easier said then done), is just going to have to get over it (your DH needs to firmly explain that to her). The situation is what it is, and your wedding will be beautiful regardless.

[NewMrsG]

Oy!

I'm going to respectfully disagree with Barbara (sorry Barbara!) - a wedding is a wedding and the important thing is that you're there together to celebrate, not so much what the color palate is. As long as you and your sister are comfortable with it, it's not really your MIL's place to decide what's best.

I think that it's clear that nothing you're going to say is going to get through to her, so I would stop trying to reason with her and just refuse to speak about it. My MIL is very much the same way and I've learned that if she doesn't respond to a frank discussion of why we're doing something that we're doing, then I just need to ignore her comments. I will often say things to my MIL like "I'm just not going to discuss this any further." or "I'm going to put your son on the phone now." or just changing the subject.

With two weeks to go before the wedding, you have other things to think about, IMO.

The good news though is that, if your MIL is anything like mine, all will be "forgiven" after the wedding. They had lots and lots of thoughts, comments, and opinions about ours, but once it was over, they really just concentrated on how wonderful the day was.

[Pony]

I am not opposed to black dresses. My maid of honor and bridesmaids had beautiful black dresses from Ann Taylor. They looked stunning and the look was timeless. I know the question is not about your sister wearing a black dress, but I just wanted to express that it does not seem like a big deal to me. I think it is important to be flexible with your sister, since it seems like she might be going through a lot right now. You are being very considerate of her situation, which is great. I don't know why your MIL is not understanding even after all the discussions you have had with her. Maybe she is getting a little stressed out with the time crunch now and she is finding little things to get worked up over???? I had a few comments here and there about some of our choices. We simply, politely told anyone concerned about our choices that this is how it is going to be done. Fast forward to 3 years later and no one even mentions these concerns anymore. Just wanted to give you my thoughts and hope you work it out with your MIL.

[leebee]

This is what I do w/ my MIL & FIL. I look at them gravely, nod and say, "You're right. Of course. Absolutely. I couldn't agree more." Then I smile sweetly and say, "We'll get it taken care of!" as confidently as I can, then change the subject (usually to something that I KNOW they will talk on & on about) and then I just tune out.

If you absolutely hate the idea of a black dress, then spend about 30 mins surfing online and try to order something--check out babystyle, mimi maternity, etc. But keep in mind that maternity dresses can seem pricey for the limited time they can be worn (but I have to say, a pretty dress for someone who feels really FAT can be a very nice thing!). And a lot of maternity dresses come in...black. Some pretty summer styles should be on sale right now, though. If you want to pursue it, you may want to be open to a pretty skirt & beautiful top. I agree that the important thing is that you all be together--but feeling good about what everyone is wearing is a good thing, too!

ETA--Oooh, wish I could wear this dress! (http://www.evalillian.com/India-Brocade-Maternity-Dress-prod563.htm)

[BarbaraL]

Oy!

I'm going to respectfully disagree with Barbara (sorry Barbara!) - a wedding is a wedding and the important thing is that you're there together to celebrate, not so much what the color palate is. As long as you and your sister are comfortable with it, it's not really your MIL's place to decide what's best.


Not a problem! I was reacting to Erin's comment that she wasn't thrilled with her sister wearing a black dress, and I was trying to come up some ways of obtaining another dress. I agree that the most important thing is that the people you love are at your wedding. As wonderful and lovely as it is, the wedding is just one day; the marriage is what's important.

[zwieback]

Is your MIL paying for the dress? If not, I don't see where it is any of her business. Is she paying for any of the wedding? I believe it is your decision, not hers. If she has a problem with the dress, too bad. It's your wedding, not hers.

[Kristilyn1]

First off, I think your MIL is out of line she should butt out. That said:

you've said you are not thrilled about the black dress idea. I LOVE black dresses at weddings--we wore them for my sister's wedding and it looked beautiful--but not at a June garden wedding. While I understand your sister's dilemma---I think she is being pretty disrespectful to you regarding the color. I mean, really. She can't find anything other than black? She's a size 10? It's not like it's plus size. I think she should keep the dress in reserve and try a little harder (perhaps having a friend pick out dresses for her to try on) or something so she doesn't wear herself out.

If she ends up with the black, it certainly isn't the end of the world, but I don't buy the "can't find anything other than black".

Kristi

[Peweh]

If it makes you feel better, I had a June wedding last year and all 3 of my bridesmaids wore black. It is actually 'trendy' lately around here to have black bridesmaid's dresses - and for guests to wear black too, so I guess the black-at-wedding taboo has been lifted!! One of my gals has actually worn her gown again TWICE!! The reception area was like a big old barn and all the flowers were white, it had a shabby-chic country elegance feel and I got a lot of compliments on the color scheme. I will PM you a pic.

As for MIL, I'm sure your nerves are fried with all the details at this point and her needling is pushing you over the edge. Maybe just tell her with all you have on your plate right now you have to prioritize your worries to save your sanity and right now, your sister's comfort and the fact she HAS a dress that fits is more important than the color she's wearing?

My own MIL never even asked me what color dress she should get. (We don't exactly have a 'let's go shop for one together' relationship!) While the dress she did choose was a very pretty blue - several guests commented "Did she NOT get the memo about the black & white wedding?" :D

[ChristyMarie]

UGH! As someone who is dreading a MIL visit next weekend I feel your pain. I think a simple, "I've told you our decision and I'm not discussing it any further" is the best angle. Do it NOW - don't let her get away with it with the wedding as she'll continue to push your buttons for the rest of your life. Trust me - it isn't really about the dress, it is about control.

Or maybe I'm just jaded. :rolleyes:

As far as the actual dress - when you are in that weird first trimester-just look chubby not really pregnant yet-stage it is hard to find anything flattering. If she finds something, I say she wears it no matter what color it is. If she would prefer a different color there are a lot of options online. Nordstrom has some gorgeous maternity stuff.

And good luck and congrats on the wedding!!!

[funniegrrl]

Miss Manners -- who is FIRMLY against wearing black to a wedding, either as a guest or participant -- once gave dispensation to a woman who was in a similar fix as the sister here. (Of course, this was someone attending rather than serving as a bridesmaid.) Her advice was to wear a bright, cheerful shawl or somesuch over the dress. That might be an idea here -- a shawl or shrug, etc. in a summery shade to keep it from being funereal.

[ChristyMarie]

Here are some very reasonably priced options ($25-50) from Motherhood Maternity that will look ok even if she isn't super pregnant at the time:

Turquoise (http://www.motherhood.com/Product.asp?Product_Id=14701161&category_Name=Social+Occasion+Dresses&Category_Id=1161&MasterCategory_Id=3)

I have this lavendar (http://www.motherhood.com/Product.asp?Product_Id=14711036&category_Name=Career&Category_Id=1036&MasterCategory_Id=3) one for my shower

pale green (http://www.motherhood.com/Product.asp?Product_Id=16651022&category_Name=Casual&Category_Id=1022&MasterCategory_Id=3)

Also, I went on a cruise at 4 months - I just wore normal dresses with a little stretch - made my belly stick out and I looked more pregnant than chubby.

[Babs73]

There are tons of great bridesmaid dresses at jcrew.com and anntaylor.com that would fit the bill for a size 10 - I would check them out. She wouldn't have to leave the comfort of her sofa to order it either :p

I agree that while a black and white wedding is classic, I would think it an odd choice for a garden wedding.

[donnamp14]

Chiming in.... I have to point out that I think the dress thing is not about the dress at all for MIL, but a control issue. Good luck with her! You'll need it.

I went to a friend's wedding years ago and the mother of the groom was hollering because the photographer took the photos of the couple with the bride's family before he took the ones of the groom's family. So, was that about the photographer, or something else....

My only objection about black at a garden wedding is that she'll be hot if the sun's out. I wish all of you good luck, especially your sister!

-Donna

[2HUNGRY!]

Repeat after me "Thank you, I'll keep that in mind" and then change the subject.

If she brings it up again, play dumb.

You have way too many other things to think about with 2 weeks until your wedding, and frankly if it doesn't bother you don't waste any time on it. Although, I do like the idea of a shawl.

[Kathy B]

Repeat after me "Thank you, I'll keep that in mind" and then change the subject.



Exactly what I was going to say. No need to be rude or get on your MIL's bad side. Just tell her, "I really appreciate your input on this. I'll give it some thought." Or some other benign, noncommital form of the same. Then change the subject with a bright smile.

If she brings it up again, just say the same thing, then change the subject with a bright smile.

If she brings it up again, just say the same thing, then change the subject with a bright smile.

If she brings it up again, just say the same thing, then change the subject with a bright smile.

;)

Good luck! And happy wedding! :)

[aggie94]

I have not read all the comments, but first and foremost, why are you even sharing all of your decisions with MIL? :confused: I assume the only way for her to know your MOH was wearing a black dress is because your or DF told her. Stop talking to her about the wedding details. It's not her business. She can be surprised when she shows up at the wedding like all the other guests.

My bridesmaids wore sleeveless black cocktail dresses to my August outdoor "meadow" wedding. The guys were in black tuxedos (black vests, white shirts). It looked very classy.

[boisewinesnob]

Is your MIL paying for the dress? If not, I don't see where it is any of her business. Is she paying for any of the wedding? I believe it is your decision, not hers. If she has a problem with the dress, too bad. It's your wedding, not hers.


Even if she's paying for it, it still should be your decision!!!

My DH and I paid for almost everything for our son's wedding. His then-fiance came from a very sad family situation and they did not contribute a penny. These kids were young and had almost nothing to contribute themselves, so DH and I wanted to help them. We paid for the invitations, the church, the food, the cake, part of the pictures, etc. But when we had to choose invitations, for example, I let DIL choose. She chose colors, cake style, etc. We even paid for part of her dress (which she chose)! Just because we were paying I did not feel I should go around forcing my tastes and choices because in the end, it was not about me. It was about S and DIL.

[cangoss]

My bridesmaids wore off the rack black dresses - they each chose their own. I thought it looked really nice with the black tuxes on the guys, and it made the flowers really "pop". Here's a photo:

http://shim1.shutterfly.com/procgserv/47b5d733b3127cce985489f8240c00000037108Aat2zFo0Yto

[erinlovesmarc]

thanks everyone for the advice...I have alot of patience but I guess my patience is wearing thin...must have something to do with being exhausted and tired of running around...

Since she has some complications with her pregnancy I don't want to stress her out with looking for a dress...I think that's what I find upsetting...is the total lack of consideration for my poor sister...I really don't know what the big deal is...probably IS a control thing...

thanks again for the support...God knows I need it right now...

[erinlovesmarc]

Is your MIL paying for the dress? If not, I don't see where it is any of her business. Is she paying for any of the wedding? I believe it is your decision, not hers. If she has a problem with the dress, too bad. It's your wedding, not hers.

Thank God they're not paying for the wedding!!!...my fiance and I are paying for it...and the reason we decided that was so that nobody would be able to tell us what to do...can you imagine if we would have let our parents pay...DISASTER...they're already trying to tell us how to have our wedding and they're not even paying, imagine if they were...I don't even want to think about THAT...

[MikeC]

You've already gotten a lot of good advice here. I'll just add that it depends on how YOU feel about the black dress, not how your future MIL feels.

I played a wedding three weeks ago and the bridesmaids all were in black dresses. When I first started seeing this a few years ago, it was kind of a shock. But I've gotten used to it and, I must admit, the color "balance" between the groomsmen and the bridesmaids is beginning to grow on me!

Definitely sounds like a control issue to me.

[mbrogier]

Didn't you once say your fiance's family was from money? For some reason I got that impression of your MIL, and I'm wondering if that's why she's in such a tizzy. She's worried about what all her friends will think of the matron of honor in black. "the horrors" :eek: :rolleyes: I think you're a very caring sister to be worried about your sister's health and well being. If she's happiest in a black dress, then great. It must be awful to have such stress on her with the complications on top of the weight gain in a month. If you wanted her to fit in, you might be able to find a pretty sash to tie on her dress that would blend with the rest of the dresses and make her look slim while emphasising the fact she's pregnant, not chubby. (I'd also have a chair for her during the ceremony just in case she feels faint if it's hot outside)

I think all MILs worry about wedding stuff right before the event. Is there something you can let MIL be in charge of to sidetrack her interfering? While it is maddening now, she probably won't remember any of it a few years from now. My MIL was a nightmare before, but at the wedding itself and afterwards she acted like everything was her idea. She also apologized for being an @ss. :D Hang in there. The planning is almost over!

[Jessica]

First of all, your MIL should mind her own business. Ugh.

Second, within weeks of my positive pregnancy test, I had not gained weight but I had gained two cup sizes. NOTHING fit and I was in tears when I went shopping for a dress for an event. I could not wear any one-piece dresses. If your sister says she can't find many dresses, she probably can't, esp if she is well-endowed.

I think it would be fine to have your sister wear a black dress (perhaps with a colored sash or shawl, as suggested). I agree that it is kinder to put her comfort before "show," and it is more important to be a good sister than to have everyone match or whatever.

[LakeMartinGal]

I think you're a very caring sister to be worried about your sister's health and well being. If she's happiest in a black dress, then great. It must be awful to have such stress on her with the complications on top of the weight gain in a month. If you wanted her to fit in, you might be able to find a pretty sash to tie on her dress that would blend with the rest of the dresses and make her look slim while emphasising the fact she's pregnant, not chubby. (I'd also have a chair for her during the ceremony just in case she feels faint if it's hot outside)
I agree with Micah! A sash or some kind of removable trim in other colors you deem appropriate would be nice, but after all, the goal of the day is for you to be married to Marc, and all the colors/dresses/food decisions or problems should fade into the distance. These all make great stories in years to come, and don't effect the outcome at all! (Like a friend's wedding where the priest had been imbibing in the wine, and the musician failed to show...and they are still married after 40 years! :D )

[BakerJane]

I agree with many previous posts. THere is nothing wrong with a black dress at a wedding.

When my sister got married she let all bridesmaid choose their own black dress. She gave us silver wraps and bright flower bouquets and we all looked stunning. Buy a great wrap in the colors of your wedding and your sister can wear that with the dress.

Don't stress about this, try to let go and enjoy your wedding. The day of my wedding I didn't care what happened. I was just so happy to be getting married :)

[GingerPow]

My bridesmaids wore off the rack black dresses - they each chose their own. I thought it looked really nice with the black tuxes on the guys, and it made the flowers really "pop". Here's a photo:

http://shim1.shutterfly.com/procgserv/47b5d733b3127cce985489f8240c00000037108Aat2zFo0Yto
Candace, you are beautiful! I love the black & white for the bridal party, and the bright pink flowers really do pop.

Erinlovesmarc, I was thinking about that as I was reading through all the posts, what is the color scheme of your wedding as in flowers, decorations, other attendants dresses? The black dress could work, serving as a nice basic to set off her flowers & accessories.

I do agree - unless MIL is paying, she is sticking her nose where it does not belong. DH and I did the same as you and your fiance - we paid for everything ourselves and didn't want any buttinski's. Everyone got to see what we put together on the wedding day.

[peachykeen]

I have a few thoughts about this one...

I wouldn't be concerned about the color if my sister felt it was the only dress she could find, given her situation. Aren't all eyes on the bride! (I think all of the pictures that were included are lovely though and very reasonably priced.)

We attended a family wedding in Provincetown a few years back where all the bridesmaids wore black dresses and carried bouquets of red roses. They were stunning! (The groom and his men wore kilts! and I can tell you what was/wasn't under them !!!) but I digress...

I got engaged at Christmas (several years ago) Along with our announcement, we learned that two of my brothers and wives were expecting. Our wedding was planned for September. One baby was due two weeks before the wedding and the other six weeks after. One sister-in-law opted out of being in the wedding, the other (the one due in October) agreed to take part. As I was an "older" bride with "older" bridesmaids, we chose lovely navy colored Jessica McClintock suits with a white lace color for them. We were able to order the same material from the bridal store and my sister-in-law had her suit made using a maternity pattern. She looked just as lovely as the rest of my attendants. And all were able to wear the dresses again, including my sister-in-law.

Way back at Christmas when we learned of all these wonderful events, my mother made a statement, something to the effect of: what else could there possibly be... What we didn't know was that my father would later be diagnosed with pancreatic cancer, undergo tremendous surgery and attempts at recovery and not be able to attend the wedding. That old wives tale of not seeing the groom before the wedding went right out the window, as the limo took the wedding party to the hospital before the wedding to have pictures taken with my father. He died six months later.

My point is - life is way too short. Make the best of the situation. It is a happy occasion for you and also a wonderful event for your sister and she needs to take care of herself and the baby now. Best wishes for a wonderful day and a long and happy life....

[VALERIEA234]

I Have A Fleeling Your Future Mil Will Not Stop There....maybe You Will Have To Move Miles Away.....thank Goodness For Patience.

Val

Good Luck And Best Wishes
I Was Lucky, I Had A Great Mil.
And My Mom Thought My Dh Walked On Water (thats How Good He Was To Her)

[615bride]

Not really helpful to you in your situation but just wanted you to know that my bridesmaids wore black in my June wedding (they chose their own dresses) and everything looked great (IMHO ;) )

I'm sorry you're dealing with this stress so close to the wedding. You've gotten good advice - I hope it all works out and you can have a great day!

[erinlovesmarc]

UPDATE...

Thanks again for all the support...I really appreciate it...the last few weeks before the wedding are really stressful and I'm glad I have somewhere to vent and ask for opinions without biases!!!

Okay so my MIL has gone from bad to worse...she is getting really exaggerated...it's not only about the color of my sister's dress anymore...she's calls us every single day a few times a day to tell us the same things over and over again...ahhhhh....then we found out that she's trying to manipulate my SIL and she's lying...she told my SIL that we didn't hire a photographer for the wedding because she wants to have pictures taken of their side of the family at her house...well DBF will be entertaining out of town friends the day of the wedding and he also has to go running around for this and that and doesn't have time for pictures at his parents house...who DOESN'T hire a photographer for a wedding...I mean, really?! Finally he blew up at his mom this weekend...it was not a pretty sight...

LOL...So my sister finally found a dress...it's not black, it's not a pastel color...it's white...LOL...it really doesn't bother me...I know she really looked hard for a dress even when I told her not to worry about it...I am NOT telling my MIL...I think white for her is worse than black...oh well, I really don't care what other people think, I care that my sister is at my wedding and that her and the baby are healthy!

[GingerPow]

UPDATE...

I really don't care what other people think, I care that my sister is at my wedding and that her and the baby are healthy!
You have your priorities straight Erin! Happy Wedding!

[erinlovesmarc]

Didn't you once say your fiance's family was from money? For some reason I got that impression of your MIL, and I'm wondering if that's why she's in such a tizzy. She's worried about what all her friends will think of the matron of honor in black. "the horrors" :eek: :rolleyes: I think you're a very caring sister to be worried about your sister's health and well being. If she's happiest in a black dress, then great. It must be awful to have such stress on her with the complications on top of the weight gain in a month. If you wanted her to fit in, you might be able to find a pretty sash to tie on her dress that would blend with the rest of the dresses and make her look slim while emphasising the fact she's pregnant, not chubby. (I'd also have a chair for her during the ceremony just in case she feels faint if it's hot outside)

I think all MILs worry about wedding stuff right before the event. Is there something you can let MIL be in charge of to sidetrack her interfering? While it is maddening now, she probably won't remember any of it a few years from now. My MIL was a nightmare before, but at the wedding itself and afterwards she acted like everything was her idea. She also apologized for being an @ss. :D Hang in there. The planning is almost over!

She WAS in charge of a little get together for their side of the family the day of the wedding...that was until she decided to start lying...when my DBF found out, he had a bird and told her to cancel everything, that he wasn't going to show up....I've decided I'm staying out of this one...that's what I don't understand, we have included her from the beginning (we made the final decisions though) and she's still not happy...

[ChristieinMB]

As a MIL of my son, I cannot imagine involving myself in such wedding details. I also think she will continue to be a problem if she is not put in her place.
Right now I cannot remember what color her bridesmaids wore at their wedding. I certainly never even discussed it with my DIL. My only concern was what color I was to wear. That woman is TROUBLE, she needs to get a life, I don't have time to involve myself in such details in their life, I'm busy living my own life.
Now, about the cute grandsons they gave me, I'm involved! :)

[LakeMartinGal]

we have included her from the beginning (we made the final decisions though) and she's still not happy...
Some people actually enjoy not being happy, and it sounds like she is one of them. Controlling people are never happy with what other people decide to do. She may be a big problem later, until/unless grandchildren distract her -- (which is certainly not a reason to have kids, unless you want them ) -- but I'm glad to hear that DBF stood up to her. He may have to do that a lot.

Of course, she may be all peachy after the wedding -- we'll hope that for you!

Glad your sister found a dress she (and you) are happy with! GingerPow is right -- you have your priorities in order... now, just survive until the wedding! We're here for you! :)

[Aubergine]

(((erin))), you poor dear! i've just now read thru the whole thread, and you've gotten a lot of good advice.

funny, your sister went from a black dress to a white one! maybe it could be dyed to another color? regardless, Candace's photo clearly showed how elegant and typical black dresses are now at weddings. but your mental health, and your sister's phyical well-being, are first and foremost here, and if you're okay with her in white, that's all that matters. i was 6 days from my due-date at my BGF's wedding in '94, plus 50 lbs heavier, and the best dress i could find to wear was a very dressy beige 'maternity' dress, lovely, with a satin slip base and a gauzy over-dress. no one fussed.

the poster who said your future MIL (she isn't yet!!!) is probably fretting over what her friends will make of matters was spot-on, imo. otoh, you, marc, and his mom clearly have some boundary issues that need to be clarified asap.

i'm all in favor of the polite, "t/y for your input, and i'll seriously consider it' type of non-reply, but since she has made it her mission to micro-manage your wedding, sterner tactics appear to be in order, and marc has made a good beginning, since, in short order, she may be trying to micro-managing your marriage as well.

can you offer any brief history/insight?:

is marc her only son? only child? first to get married?

how has your relationship been with her up until now?

is there a future FIL? what is his role?

how are your parents dealing with this? (or are they not in the picture....playing catch-up here)

i strongly suspect i'm in your future MIL's age-group, and she sounds a lot like my born-to-money aunt, my mom's SIL, the bane of her existence for many years. $$+ education in women of a certain age = know-it-all control freak, in my experience. so if i can be of any further help/support, i surely will.

suz

[erinlovesmarc]

(((erin))), you poor dear! i've just now read thru the whole thread, and you've gotten a lot of good advice.

funny, your sister went from a black dress to a white one! maybe it could be dyed to another color? regardless, Candace's photo clearly showed how elegant and typical black dresses are now at weddings. but your mental health, and your sister's phyical well-being, are first and foremost here, and if you're okay with her in white, that's all that matters. i was 6 days from my due-date at my BGF's wedding in '94, plus 50 lbs heavier, and the best dress i could find to wear was a very dressy beige 'maternity' dress, lovely, with a satin slip base and a gauzy over-dress. no one fussed.

the poster who said your future MIL (she isn't yet!!!) is probably fretting over what her friends will make of matters was spot-on, imo. otoh, you, marc, and his mom clearly have some boundary issues that need to be clarified asap.

i'm all in favor of the polite, "t/y for your input, and i'll seriously consider it' type of non-reply, but since she has made it her mission to micro-manage your wedding, sterner tactics appear to be in order, and marc has made a good beginning, since, in short order, she may be trying to micro-managing your marriage as well.

can you offer any brief history/insight?:

is marc her only son? only child? first to get married?

how has your relationship been with her up until now?

is there a future FIL? what is his role?

how are your parents dealing with this? (or are they not in the picture....playing catch-up here)

i strongly suspect i'm in your future MIL's age-group, and she sounds a lot like my born-to-money aunt, my mom's SIL, the bane of her existence for many years. $$+ education in women of a certain age = know-it-all control freak, in my experience. so if i can be of any further help/support, i surely will.

suz

Marc is her only son. He has a sister who is older who got married a few years ago. Apparently his mom was worse for her wedding. I didn't think our wedding would be an issue because she was very calm and collected...well up until a month ago. We had a good relationship before that but I can't bring myself to pick up the phone when she calls these days. When she first starting freaking out, I laughed it off for a few weeks and then the manipulation started and she started becoming more and more pushy and annoying...what hurt me more than anything else were the comments about my sister...we were at the kitchen table talking about wedding stuff when my sister's dress came up in conversation...when I mentioned that she MAY be buying a black dress because as per doctor's orders she was supposed to be off her feet, she just flipped out...I just got up and left the table without saying a word...honestly, it really hurt me that she wasn't even considering my sister's health in all this...I thought that was really selfish...Marc was very upset also since he just adores my sister...the fiasco with the photographer was the last straw for us...how do you lie to the whole family and then expect us (Marc and I) not to find out about it? Really, I don't understand why she hired her own photographer, I mean it's not like the one Marc and I hired isn't a professional. Even the fact that she was having a little party at her house the day of the wedding before the church didn't bother me at all, but why lie to everyone...it doesn't make sense to us. It isn't the first time that she's tried to manipulate the situation to get her way but I guess this was the last straw for her son...

My mom isn't upset by her behavior but she sure is having a good laugh at her expense...we're very laid back...we're not going to let my MIL ruin Marc and I's day...I mean, really, the reason you get married is for love...who cares what people are wearing...life is too short...I mean, of course, I want it to be a nice wedding but I'm not going to worry about every minute detail...

[erinlovesmarc]

And yes, I suspect she does care about what other people will say...I've dealt with that alot throughout this whole wedding planning ordeal anyways but frankly I really don't care what other people think...as long as Marc and I are happy and we have fun and the food is great, that's what's important....

we didn't want to follow tradition for the sake of it so we have dealt with alot of criticism...to give you an idea...I'm not wearing a veil, we are not arriving in limos, we decided not to have a wedding cake (we absolutely wanted Tiramisu!), only Marc and I and our maid of honor and best man are sitting at our honor table, we are not doing a receiving line, very untraditional (for us anyways, growing us where we did)...

[mbrogier]

Sweetie, 6 years from now you'll be happy that you did things your way. I didn't do everything conventionally like MIL/others expected. (one example-my bridesmaids didn't wear hose or get their hair done :eek: --it was the beach :rolleyes: ) This week is my 6th wedding anniversary. There are things I wish I had been less conventional on, not more. Your in-laws will forget about all of this with time.

I know the photography thing is rude, demeaning, and deceitful on your MIL's part. Still, I'd try to find the good in it. I went with the good photographer in town instead of the super expensive guy with the ego. My photos were awful. :( Had Rob's uncle not had his super expensive digital camera with him taking photos during the ceremony :eek: we wouldn't have any good photos of the ceremony. You might be happy in the long run that there were two photographers.

[funniegrrl]

Sweetie, arriving (or departing) in limos is not "traditional" -- it may be conventional for certain areas / social circles, but it is by no means a practice handed down from the Victorians. :D As for tiered cake, again, conventional but not a rigid requirement. Of your list I would say the veil is the most traditional, but if I went to a wedding and the bride didn't wear one, I don't think I'd blink.

Also, NONE of these have anything to do with etiquette -- at whose doorway such practices are usually laid. You can have a small, quiet, wedding where no one wears rented or expensive clothes and no food or drink is consumed, and still be just as married, and still conform to all requirements of etiquette. Etiquette is not about being stuffy or snobbish or spending a certain amount of money. Some of the traditions and conventions that are discarded are often done so out of the belief that they are somehow unnecessarily restrictive, that people should just be casual and loose and natural and not worry about rules. Many elements of weddings and other rituals have symbolic meaning, and there are reasons behind many other rules and conventions. Go ahead and toss as many as you like -- and dear Erin I think the things you have mentioned are just fine, BTW -- but please don't confuse tradition with etiquette with recent fads.

[Peweh]

Erin, thanks for posting the MIL update, glad to see you sound like you are remaining upbeat! Kudos to Marc for standing up to his mom, I don't really get her whole motive on the photographer lie thing; I mean, couldn't she have hired her own anyway because yours probably can't logistically be in all places at once?

I can't say this enough, just enjoy the day! Don't worry about bucking tradition, it sounds like you're putting your own spin on the traditional basics and no one should think worse of you for it! I know I would be psyched for the tiramisu cake and put it on the "this one great wedding we went to had..." lists. And limos, we didn't do them either. Lots of traditional stuff we didn't do raised eyebrows during planning but after execution we got lots of compliments!! I was staying at the Inn we got married at the night before, so my chicks and I could have a last girls' night and get ready together. My DH was going to get a limo to pick up his party at our house but it wasn't logistically feasible for all the guys to come here; so he ended up staying at the Inn in a separate room the night before. EVERYONE was against this, there were all these hijinks going on to keep us from seeing each other the day of the wedding; it was so funny, one of my gals and I went out the front door to go to the breakfast place and there I spy my fiance sitting on the side porch reading the paper; she all but tackled me into the hedges and I was just like, Hey What's Up! She was so mad at me.

Anyway not to hijack your thread with my own story! Just getting excited for you as the day draws closer and I'll be going back to that same inn we got married at to celebrate our 1st anniversary on the 11th. WHICH DAY is the BIG DAY for you?

[Middydd]

Whatever you do, don't tell her that your sister has now chosen a white dress!! You're happy, your sister is happy, your mother in law just doesn't need to know.

Sometimes you have to deal with family on a "need to know" basis, just to preserve the boundaries that some of them are inclined to overstep.

[jmarie]

No wonder you were wanting to not invite her to the bachelorette party...you've been feeling the sting for awhile, eh? Sheesh....sounds like you do have your work cut out for you!
Joyce

[ChristyMarie]

Two words of wisdom for you: Caller ID :D

Seriously, don't take her calls until the wedding. It will help with your sanity!

It does sound like you have a wonderful attitude and great perspective on what a wedding is really about. We bucked tradition and did a big cocktail party as a reception - no receiving line, no cake, etc. And it was awesome. Do what you want, enjoy the day and no worries about anyone else.