anyone else burdened with a 'family secret'??

[Aubergine]

i am not talking abuse, nor anything like that. more like, as in my case, you are privy to information about some supposedly 'shameful' secret--let's use the loss of a job, or an, oops! unplanned wedding, as examples.

so, to you, it isn't a big deal, but for some reason, there is this stupid dysfunctional family suberterfuge coverup. maybe your mom, or a sib, needs to talk about the situation, and so do you. but you are sworn to secrecy.

now what? you give this dear relative an oath on whatever you hold holy that you won't talk about it...but you still need to!!! to your SO, to your BGF, to someone who knows the family but is not part of it....because you yourself trying to make some sense of it all.

thoughts, please?

TIA,
suzanne

[ErinM]

I don't know, why don't you tell us and we'll make the call? :D ;)


To be honest, if i really needed to talk, I'd probably talk to someone outside of the family who knows us. An example, I have an old college professor I'd share something like this with. He gives great insight as to how I should handle things and why people may think they way they do.

Other than that, since you say it doesn't mean a great deal to you, I'd probably just forget about it and go on with my life.

[LakeMartinGal]

Maybe it would be better to talk to a complete stranger... that way, nothing would/could ever get back to the person whose secret it is.

I have had some family secrets -- they always get out if you talk to anyone else in the family, because no one can be trusted not to let something slip. Not that it would be intentional, it probably wouldn't, but it always slips out.

If you would like, you can pm me... Not that I want to know your secret, but if I could help...

[stefania4]

Oh, sister, I hear ya - we have the cousin who doesn't talk to anyone in the family and has broken my grandmother's heart but she calls Grandma on occasion and Grandma feels like everyone (except me) will be mad at her for taking the call, etc. What could possibly be accomplished by "teaching a lesson" about losing touch by not talking to her I can not imagine.

This may not apply to all situations, but I just listen and then forget about it. I imposed a "No Drama" rule a few years ago, which this to-do breaks 18 different ways. I just don't have time to tiptoe around other people's grudges. I listen to Grandma because it makes her happy and it doesn't hurt anyone, and that's it. Now if my cousin were asking her for a few thousand dollars and promising to pay it back, I'd probably have to say something about that not being a good idea, but we're not at that point.

Outside of that, I'd say to just talk to someone completely outside the realm of influence on the situation. I'm sure my mother told someone about my sister's pregnancy, it just wasn't anyone who would later tell Sis that Mom let the cat out of the bag.

[Aubergine]

thank you all so far for your replies....< deep sigh of relief > i genuinely feel less burdened and alone in the matter at hand now.

Lake, thank you...depending on how things evolve, i might take you up on your very kind offer...

i guess this is a good case in point: i know sincerely that i would break my oath to put it on a public MB...would i/you/we be breaking it if one discussed it with an online 'stranger?' via email? or phone? is that analagous to the 'stranger on the train' scenario? in this day and age, can anyone be trusted?

bear in mind, there is NO illegal activity involved here....meaning, the listener/reader wouldn't be compromised in any way whatsoever...

sorry, i know this is tough...i'm really struggling. i know that the local 'help lines' instantly see the phone # of the caller (even if blocked), and isn't there an old saying: "a burden shared is a burden halved."??

thanks again, you folks have been great, and i do try to do my part in return.

[blazedog]

I don't understand why you need to talk to someone -- is it just to unburden yourself or is it because you want to get advice on suitable action to take.

If it's just to unburden yourself, then I would keep the confidence. If you need advice then you should talk to someone whose opinion in that field is trusted -- someone not in the family -- and do it on a no name basis.

In many ways this is analogous to clergy/lawyers or doctors who generally don't break confidences.

[wallycat]

Yes!!!!!
I can release several of the "family secrets" now that father is gone. Then I met DH and he has another one I was dragged into.
I did tell 3 girlfriends and now I wish I hadn't. His wish was for no one to know; sort of a good-deed goes unacknowledged.

My first huge "secret" was that dad was Jewish and we immigrated from Poland to Israel to settle in America. I can understand his horrible fear of disclosing this info (prejudice, persecution, etc.) having lived through two world wars...but as a kid, this seemed like nonsense to me.

My second huge secret was my mother's mental illness.
I am sure I"m not alone in this one...many families deal with it. It's a shame there is still such a stigma about it when we know or love someone who deals with it.

[luv2cook]

I agree with the above - you have to be the judge of what the info is - a lot of times talking about it w/someone not in the family is very helpful. A lot of times I solve my own problems just by telling somneone about it!

[clairea]

I think if the information has already been disclosed to you with the understanding that you would keep it confidential, then you are obligated to do so unless someone is at risk of harming themselves or others. You may regret having been pulled into this confidence, but if you gave your word (either expressly or implicitly) that you would not disclose it than you should honor that.

If your family or friends are prone to dramas like this (as many are), then I suggest that you adopt a policy, and make it known, that you will not be a party to them. When DH and I were first married, his family had a habit of telling me things that they didn't want him to know. We quickly made it clear to them that we do not keep any secrets from each other. Obviously there are some things that just never come up for discussion between us, but we never have a subject that we intentionally conceal from the other and everyone who confides in either of us is aware of this.

[imloulou]

I don't know, why don't you tell us and we'll make the call? :D ;)


LOL...that was funny! :D

But joking aside. .. ;)

If this secret was told to you in confidence...I would not tell. Especially since you said it was not at the level of abuse, etc.

I have a few secrets from friends, family, etc. I was approached because a person felt comfortable asking for an opinion and knew they would get a truthful opinion, input and at the same time knew I would not tell.

Now, these secrets were not life threatening, did not involve any abuse or endangerment of life or children, but could, possibly mess with a marriage.

As much as I want to know the secret :D ;) (just kidding) ...I think it would be much wiser to PM someone or find a person that is not connected in any way to the people involved. (church, anon post on a BB, therapist, etc.) only because anyone can access these boards...do you know this person is not a member...or a lurker? Many, Many, many people(22,378 members...this does not include lurkers) visit these boards.

Anyway...I guess I am saying...be careful who you tell...even though it may seem safe you may (and quite possibly will) regret it later.

Good luck!

[Aubergine]

thank you all again who have additionally replied. it's given me a lot to think about.

blaze (and others) brought me up short, which is fine...indeed, why speak about it to anyone? absolutely, the mature, adult thing to do would be to keep my own counsel, and talk about it with my pets and my flowers for the next few days, until that ARRRRGGGHHH! (Charlie Brown/Lucy) feeling leaves me. if i turn it back around, if it were me, i'd want the person in whom i'd confided to keep my trust.

to further allay anyone's concerns, it involves a family matter going back many years, and again, in no way illegal, immoral, nor abuse-related. just a sad, dark, family secret that i've been entrusted with, and i guess the person who told me needed to unburden themselves, and blaze, et al. are correct, if i can't contain it, i do have two dear friends, one an atty, the other a pastor, in whom i may confide, if need be.

lol, my first question would be, how do you manage to keep these secrets? b/c i have an ex who is a therapist, and another who is an attorney, and lemme tell you, they talked plenty to me about their clients....which i found appalling. but i do think there is a basic human impulse to 'dump' stuff at some point, which is maybe shifting the burden to someone else, which goes back to what blaze said...

wallycat--wow...that's intense. we should maybe talk about all that stuff sometime, since you hit 2 nerves, altho' not what this darn thing is about.

so, i do thank you, good friends, for such good counsel. i feel more relieved than i did earlier, and suspect that tonight i may even be able to sleep (unlike the last 2).

suzanne

[Peweh]

Hi Suzanne,

Hope you get that much needed sleep tonight! I was going to post what Claire said, most 'secrets' people tell me they generally understand might get shared w/my DH. Who, might I add, is like Fort Knox with these kinds of things. BUT, I'm talking, so-and-so dyes her hair, NOT so-and-so is sleeping with her husband's brother!! Me, on the other hand; if I were you and bursting at the seams and needing a sanity check on something I COULDN'T share w/DH... I know sometimes I see 'new posters' saying "hey, I'm an old-timer poster but need anonymity (sp?)"; and then they post their Q. You might want to go the route of PMing some trusted CLBBers who've offered too. Good luck and sleep well!

Christine

[stefania4]

my first question would be, how do you manage to keep these secrets? ... but i do think there is a basic human impulse to 'dump' stuff at some point, which is maybe shifting the burden to someone else, which goes back to what blaze said...

I've found the Unsent Letter to be very helpful - basically writing a letter to whomever you need to talk to (or about), then destroying it. It helps me get the feelings out, really think it through, and does no damage.

It may also help to acknowledge the trust that has been placed in you. Clearly what you've been told is very, very important to someone - and so is your confidentiality. It's a high honor (in the way some burdens are :) ) for someone to share such a part of their life with you and trust you to love them regardless.

[Sookie]

Thirty years ago my younger sister and I witnessed something that we knew would bring our immediate family to their knees and break our mother's heart. It would also break up a family with four small children. Those children are grown now and our mother died seven years ago, but my sister and I have decided to keep what we witnessed between just the two of us. I don't recommend talking to anyone about your "secret" because people change as the years go by and someone you trust at one point in your life could turn out to betray that trust.

[AvrilH]

I understand the need to spill your beans for no particular reason other than spilling your beans. I am in a similar situation. I spilled my beans (finally) to a very very trusted friend - who is a good distance away, and has no other connection to the people involved. I have to say that it helped. (although I have to admit she is now rather stressed about the whole thing, and keeps wanting to help me fix something I have no control over.) But the gut spilling helped.

I just recommend choosing your confidant very very wisely.

[Aubergine]

aw, you guys are too good! thank you all again so much!

i did break down and speak to my pastor friend---after grilling him, lol, about how well the matter would be kept. since the rest of the family is in 2 other states, it was comfortable enough.

everyone here has made good and impt. points. it's clear that some others are burdened with a similar matter. so, i would say to you, think it through thoroughly, as you guys helped me to do--and, yes, i did sleep last night, finally.

again--and i know i may be overstating the point--but, thank you again to all.

suzanne