I could use some advice

[Andrea_2]

What is the best way to convince my DH that leaving our children alone with his mother is not safe?

MIL is visiting for 2 weeks from the UK. She is quite old, frail and is having memory issues (on top of being just an unpleasant person to begin with...). I have never felt comfortable leaving my kids alone with her for various reasons. Yesterday, we went to a graduation party for a cousin of mine a couple hours away in a neighboring state. She kept complaining about how bored she was at the party (she always has to be the center of attention! :rolleyes: ), and announces that she is taking my 3 year old son for a walk. I didn't like the idea, but she said she'd just take him down to the end of the street and back. Well, all of a sudden I look down the street and she is nowhere to be found. I expressed concern to DH, but he just said I need to be more trusting. I eventually couldn't stand it anymore and went looking for them, because I was very concerned about her getting lost. The subdivision isn't very big, but I still couldn't find them anywhere and began to panic. I went back to the house and she still wasn't there. She ends up turning up well over an hour later and says that someone a couple streets over invited them into their house, so she took my son into some strangers house! The woman has no sense of caution whatsoever and talks to and trusts everyone. It sounds like the people were fine, and my son was just playing with their kids, but I really feel like she should've let us know and not leave us wondering where they were, and I feel like I should have some say as to whether my son goes to play in the house of a stranger in a town and neighborhood that I know nothing about. :mad:

This morning she decides she wants to walk him to the park. Once again DH just tells her to go ahead, and I felt like I had to then go along. Five minutes at the park and she puts him on a swing and starts pushing him way too hard and he flew off the swing in mid-air and fell flat on his face.

These are just two recent examples. I could go on and on. And on and on and on.........

DH acknowledges that his mother has issues, but seems to think it is more cute or funny and always makes excuses for her behavior. How do I convince him that she shouldn't be left alone with our kids without causing problems in our relationship? Before having children, I just bit my tongue and counted down the hours until she left, but having kids now.. I feel like it is my job to protect them. I don't want to be worried all the time while I'm at work that my kids are out alone with her somewhere, but my DH just says I'm too much of a worrier every time I try to bring the subject up. :(

[ChristyMarie]

I don't think you can convince him without causing some problems between you two but you are right that it IS your job to protect your child - and that means stepping in and being the "bad guy" so to speak if it means keeping your child out of danger. I think you need to talk to him, list your examples and maybe ask him what his reaction would be if a hired babysitter did these things. That may help him to see the light and it may not - but regardless you need to stand firm and not let this woman be alone with your child.

I also have insane inlaws but luckily my husband agrees that they will not be left alone with our son once he arrives.

[sneezles]

Whoa! Too much of a worrier!?!?! Your DH needs a reality check! I would be outraged if my MIL has taken my children into a strangers house! And huritng him at the park! You really need to have a very frank discussion with your DH about the dangers that out there! I'm sure someone else will chime in with words of wisdom but I totally agree that your MIL shouldn't be left alone with your children.

[Chefzhat]

If, after the events of this weekend, your hubby STILL needs to be convinced that she is not the best caretaker of his CHILD, then you are going to have to be the bad guy. And he's just going to have to accept that in no way, shape, or form will your child be left alone with his mother. Period.

He obviously has issues with her, and doesn't want to upset her (for whatever reason) - there must be more to the story. Whatever. Tell him flat out - the kids are not to be left alone with mom.

Christy Marie has a good point - if a babysitter had done this, how would he react?

Debie

[gertdog]

Andrea, I'd be furious if my MIL or anyone else just disappeared with my child without telling me where they were going, and probably go through the roof if they'd gone visiting in some stranger's home. And as for the swing incident- accidents do happen but it sounds like your MIL has shown a pattern of less than stellar judgment where your kids are concerned.

If it was me I think would probably just put my foot down and tell DH and MIL "No." Sorry, but no. She can't be alone with the kids; the kids' safety is not negotiable. I'm not confrontational by nature but in this case I think I would be.

Not sure from your post- are you working while MIL, DH and the kids are at home? Is it a situation where you can't be there all the time and DH is the one letting his mom take your son out for a walk?

[HRJ]

I wonder if your DH is having trouble admitting to himself that his mother is getting older and frail, and that he just can't see that she isn't the mother he's always known.

But regardless, her behavior is putting your kids in jeopardy, and it's not acceptable. Unfortunately, like the other posters have said, you need to be the one to put your foot down, as unpleasant as that's going to be. It's not even like you *think* she might be irresponsible -- she has *shown* that she's irresponsible.

Sorry you have to deal with this.

Helene

[ChristieinMB]

I echo what others have said. I can only recommend that you sit your DH down, tell him nicely (but firmly) that you can't allow her to be alone with your children. Don't use any unnecessary words or expressions with him, just stick to the main point (protecting your children) in the discussion. I don't know if it is family dynamics or unwilling to see the reality of his mother's condition, but your DH may not want to deal with it. You must deal with it with care, but strength, you don't appear to be too much of a worrier.

[mst]

Andrea- I do not envy you. Not going to be a fun discussion, but you already said the most important thing. It is your job to protect your children. It is not your job to protect your MIL's feelings over the wellbeing of your children.

Be definite. Tell your husband that right or wrong, you are not comfortable. Period. And, if you are not comfortable, it is not happening. It doesn't matter if you are too much of a worrier, the issue at hand is that you are not comfortable.

Easier said then done, huh?

[Kristilyn1]

We've had the same kind of issue with my grandmother. Her health has seriously declined over the last year or so and she was babysitting her great-grandson (my cousin's son) every day while my Aunt worked (she has for all intents and purposes, custody of my cousin's son). Anyway, it got to the point that I had to pull my mother aside and tell her that if she did not want to bring up the issue with my grandmother, that I would have to and if that didn't work, I'd have to call child and family services. We had to sit my grandmother down and tell her that under no circumstances was she to be left alone with children. It was VERY hard--my grandmother is a cantankerous woman who is convinced she's fine--the world is crazy, not her. Since then, she has had multiple strokes and has wandered off at night, in a rainstorm where she spent the night outside and suffered a heart attack. My long and involved point is that your dh needs to face the facts about his mother's health. If he is unwilling to, then YOU will and act accordingly. Reassure him that you are not judging her and that you are not doing this because you dislike her (even if you do) but that once someone's health starts to decline, or their memory to go, there is no way to predict how or when it will get worse and that you are not willing to risk your child's health and wellbeing. It's hard to be a child and have to suddenly act like the parent to your elderly parent, but sometimes it needs to be done. He is doing her a disservice to at least not start to plant the seed that she is not as young as she used to be. Better to start now, gently then have to sit down for the first time to discuss these issues and tell her it's time for the nursing home.


Kristi

[AvrilH]

That IS a toughie! Luckily for me my DH agrees that his mother can't be allowed to take care of our children.

I agree with all others - you MUST put your foot down, as it is clearly a safety issue. My words would be "This is my child too, and his safety is the most important thing at all times. I feel he is at risk with your mother, and I expect you to respect that." That would probably cut it for my DH.

[Andrea_2]

I wonder if your DH is having trouble admitting to himself that his mother is getting older and frail, and that he just can't see that she isn't the mother he's always known.

I think this is part of the problem. The day before she arrived, DH was saying how he was worried about seeing her because she always looks so much older every time he sees her. I don't know exactly how old she is, but I think she adopted DH in her mid-forties, and he is 37, so that puts her somewhere around 80 I guess.

Thanks for everyone's input, it definitely gave me the push I needed. I had a dentist appointment a little while ago, and I had a discussion with DH before leaving for the appointment. I said I wasn't trying to cause trouble, but that I want one of us watching the kids at all times. I explained that there have been many occasions where I've been worried about my own ability to prevent DS from running into the street, and that I just can't see how his mother could possibly stop him while running around in her little high heeled shoes that she wears everywhere (well, I didn't specify the shoe part.. but seriously she wears these crazy high heels every where!). I also told him about the playground incident and how there have been so many times where I've had to watch what he is climbing on etc., and that he just don't think she is able to watch him as closely as is necessary. (The neighborhood playground is intended for children from ages 5-12). I didn't get into her questionable judgment and mental status at this time, but if he tries letting her out alone with the kids again... that will be next. He didn't seem mad about it, but just looked at me like he didn't understand what I was upset about. I'll admit to being too much of a worrier sometimes, but I think in this case he isn't being enough of a worrier!

[Andrea_2]

Not sure from your post- are you working while MIL, DH and the kids are at home? Is it a situation where you can't be there all the time and DH is the one letting his mom take your son out for a walk?

DH is done teaching for the summer, and I am working 4 days per week. The way this week worked out, I do have 5 days in a row off, so that is helpful. I just hope DH doesn't let things slide when I'm not here.

[clairea]

This is a very tough situation, and I have been there. Unfortunately, to protect your children you must step in and be the bad guy and tell your DH that your mother cannot be left alone with your children. I will tell you that this issue has caused a fair amount of strain in my marriage, but DH and I have worked through it and in time he has come to see that our children are better served not being left unsupervised with my inlaws.

[GingerPow]

Oh boy - does this bring back memories, only it was MY mother who was my concern. Some of the stories would curl your hair. I'll try to be succinct, but I'm not very good at that. :rolleyes:

The last time she watched my children, who were 5 and 2 at the time was when I had a morning doctor's appointment. I returned to my mother's neighborhood to get the kids, I turned the corner to see my little ones standing right there on the side of the road (thank God I didn't go fast, or make a tight turn, my chest hurts just recalling this) - a block from my mother's house with her nowhere in sight!

I put the kids in the car, thinking the whole time "thank you God that I'M the one putting them in MY car," finished the drive to my mothers, took the kids in the house and found my mother in the family room. When I asked her why she let the kids go down the street, she said "What? They weren't supposed to do that." Did you tell them not to leave the yard? I told them they could take a little walk, but to come right back. How do you explain to someone it is not 1968 anymore?

There were other things, frankly just plain nasty. She'd talk about my husband to her neighbor with my DD within ear shot. DD would cry at home saying grandma said such and such about daddy. I talked to my mother who said she didn't say that, DD must have dreamed it. I believed DD, she heard what she heard. (She loves DH now, but was a bit*h to him during our early years. Why, I'll never know, he's a great guy.)

When DD was really little, 3 or 4, mother used to tell me "you know, if you died now, she'd never miss you. She would just know me." :rolleyes:

That's enough, I getting torked all over again.
Our resolution to this may not be helpful to you, though, Andrea. We decided to move, and while that relationship was not the primary reason, it was in the top three.

DH has to realize that your children's welfare is the only thing you are concerned about. He needs to face reality, his mother is different now and not able to care for children as she once did. These are YOUR children and your first concern. He will never forgive himself for not taking this seriously if, God forbid, you worst fears were realized.

(This situation with my mother made me sad beyond words. I imagine this is difficult for your husband, it's hard to absorb. Best of luck to you.)

[Andrea_2]

Ginger - I can relate to just about all of that too. One other thing I didn't mention is that MIL is constantly bad-mouthing me to my kids too. :mad: Just yesterday my baby was crying and I was heating up a bottle for her in the kitchen. MIL apparently didn't hear me in the kitchen (she is also hard of hearing...) and proceeded to tell my daughter how I didn't care that she was hungry and how she'd just go have to go make her bottle herself. She had quite the shocked look on her face when she saw me. I don't think she realizes how loud she talks and how much people can hear. Sometimes she'll say stuff about me right in front of me too though.

Another thing that has been bugging the heck out of me is how she keeps replying with "Yes!" or "I'm right here!" or "I'm coming!" every time my 3 year old calls "Mommy!". Where does she get off replying as if she is his mother?

I better stop now.. or I'll be typing all night!

[GingerPow]

Ginger - I can relate to just about all of that too. One other thing I didn't mention is that MIL is constantly bad-mouthing me to my kids too. :mad: Just yesterday my baby was crying and I was heating up a bottle for her in the kitchen. MIL apparently didn't hear me in the kitchen (she is also hard of hearing...) and proceeded to tell my daughter how I didn't care that she was hungry and how she'd just go have to go make her bottle herself. She had quite the shocked look on her face when she saw me. I don't think she realizes how loud she talks and how much people can hear. Sometimes she'll say stuff about me right in front of me too though.

Another thing that has been bugging the heck out of me is how she keeps replying with "Yes!" or "I'm right here!" or "I'm coming!" every time my 3 year old calls "Mommy!". Where does she get off replying as if she is his mother?

Andrea, you're a saint. I would have put my foot down long before this. Her behavior is inexcusable.
I do have to ask you, is she developing Alzheimers or dementia? Maybe she REALLY believes it is her child calling "Mommy." It is bizarre behavior.

How dare she talk negatively about you to YOUR child in YOUR house? :mad: Not cool at all. My mother used to say the most awful things to my brother's first wife. He remarried a few years ago, and I told her, she is absolutely not to pull that again with this woman. She is a doll and none of us will tolerate it. She did start it, and I abruptly said "HEY! I-SAID-NO!"

I pray to God I never act like even a percentage of this with my kids when I'm old. :rolleyes:

[clairea]

Andrea, that (the bad-mouthing) sounds so familiar. That is our primary issue with our in-laws. It finally got so bad that last time my in-laws were here my MIL laid into me in front of DH, my kids, and my parents . I wound up leaving the house in tears with my mom, and DH and my dad told my inlaws they had to leave. The issues with my inlaws really don't have to do with aging, but just the fact that they aren't nice people and don't tend to have good judgment. My children are older than yours, so DH is starting to see some of actual (not just potential) damage their behavior has on the children and I think that (along with the blowup last time they were here) has made a big difference in getting him to agree with me. I hope for you there is a way to reach agreement before you get to that point, and I think the advice other posters have given about reinforcing that your concerns are solely about the safety of your children and that you are not trying to interfere with his mother's relationship with them (she can spend as much time as she wants with them -- supervised!) is very good. I think, too, though, that you have every right to expect to be treated with courtesy and respect in your own home, and your DH should defend that right with his mother. It took me too long to insist on that, and when I finally did my inlaws have been unable to abide by it, so the result is we no longer see them in our home (although we do visit them regularly elsewhere so that DH and the children can see them).

[buffygirl]

Ginger - I can relate to just about all of that too. One other thing I didn't mention is that MIL is constantly bad-mouthing me to my kids too. :mad: Just yesterday my baby was crying and I was heating up a bottle for her in the kitchen. MIL apparently didn't hear me in the kitchen (she is also hard of hearing...) and proceeded to tell my daughter how I didn't care that she was hungry and how she'd just go have to go make her bottle herself. She had quite the shocked look on her face when she saw me. I don't think she realizes how loud she talks and how much people can hear. Sometimes she'll say stuff about me right in front of me too though.



I can't believe your husband allows his wife to be talked about this way in his own home! I'm shocked! If my MIL ever approached anything like this, she would be banned by DH, no questions asked.

Hugs, Andrea, sorry you are having to go through this.

[Luv to Cook]

Sigh...why does it have to be like that? I have some of the same issues with my in-laws and it got pretty awful. We, like Ginger, also moved. It was not the main reason, but that, along with some counseling, has made DH much, much stronger with his parents. I, too have been bad-mouthed, mostly to MY parents, from my in-laws. I used to be told that DH was too good for me. I put up with it for years, to just keep family peace. But after DD was born and MIL took her out of the carseat (in a moving car, in NYC), I decided that enough was enough. She still is waiting for me to apologize for asking her (very nicely) to put DD back in her seat. She feels that I should not be able to say anything in the child-rearing dept. since she has already done it. Anyhow, I guess what I am trying to say is that your kids come first. It would be really great if you could all sit down and talk, so things don't get out of hand like they did in my situation. But, I do understand that it can be hard with some in-laws. Stand your ground, be firm, but nice.

Good luck.

[Chefzhat]

Ginger - I can relate to just about all of that too. One other thing I didn't mention is that MIL is constantly bad-mouthing me to my kids too. :mad: Just yesterday my baby was crying and I was heating up a bottle for her in the kitchen. MIL apparently didn't hear me in the kitchen (she is also hard of hearing...) and proceeded to tell my daughter how I didn't care that she was hungry and how she'd just go have to go make her bottle herself.

Say what? :eek: Time for someone to go home. Like now.

Your dh knows about this stuff too????

[Andrea_2]

Say what? :eek: Time for someone to go home. Like now.

Your dh knows about this stuff too????

She is very sneaky. She NEVER says anything about me in front of DH. The first time I went to England she would harass me every chance she got when DH wasn't around (if he was sleeping or in the shower etc.), and then acts all sweet and nice when he returns. It isn't that DH doesn't believe me, but it is a strange situation when he never witnesses any of it.

10 more days..... :eek:

[Andrea_2]

I put up with it for years, to just keep family peace.


I think this is true for me too, although now that I think about it, I wonder if I am just making it easier for her to do the things she does by not standing up to her more. When she was telling my baby that I didn't care about her being hungry (not that the baby is old enough to understand...but still), I really should've said something. My 3 year old is old enough to start understanding things like that, so it needs to stop. I don't know how I'll prevent it when I'm not around, but at least she isn't likely to see the kids for another year after this visit, so it isn't like they'll have continuous exposure to her. For the rest of the visit I'm going to try the more direct approach. I've always been worried about upsetting DH, but I really shouldn't be worried if I'm not the one starting trouble.

[RunnerKim]

I know it's much much easier to say - but I agree with you, stand up for yourself. Call her on it as soon as she says something. It might not change her behavior but it will at least straighten your spine and let your 3 year old know it's not okay to say things like that.

The safety concerns were more than enough to say she shouldn't watch the kids but even one comment like the above would also be enough.

Anyone who said something like that would not be a guest in my home and I'd expect my DH to support me 100% on it. (I also would not prevent him from going to visit his mother in her own home - by himself).

I'm so sorry you're having to deal with this. ((()))

Kim

[GingerPow]

She is very sneaky. She NEVER says anything about me in front of DH. The first time I went to England she would harass me every chance she got when DH wasn't around (if he was sleeping or in the shower etc.), and then acts all sweet and nice when he returns. It isn't that DH doesn't believe me, but it is a strange situation when he never witnesses any of it.

10 more days..... :eek:
Is she jealous because her baby boy loves another woman?

Sounds like Monster-In-Law to me.

[Andrea_2]

Is she jealous because her baby boy loves another woman?

Absolutely! And especially because he lives here, and not there. She tried her very hardest to break us up before we got married (and even after we got married).

[MrsReber]

Good luck with this situation. I have found at times that being a mom means putting aside all other feelings and protecting your children at all costs.

I never let my MIL watch my kids until they were old enough to fend for themselves. She was more than welcome to visit with them, but never took the the time to do so. DH shared my concerns so I never had a problem with that. It was my SIL that I was nervous about. She has trouble taking care of her own son and she wanted to watch our kids three days out of each week! I told DH that would never work, for many different reasons, and he told SIL that the kids were going to daycare (which she thought was just terrible!) The in-laws felt that I was being too protective with my children. So be it. I was doing what I thought was best (and it was the best thing). That's my job as a parent.

The important thing is that your children are well taken care of. You also mentioned you MIL is hard of hearing- well, that's not good if she's going to be taking your kids out anywhere! I can't even comment on the bad-mouthing. That's really just wrong.

[Andrea_2]

OMG.. Things have really gotten worse, and I just need somewhere to vent! Today MIL announces that she wants to go to downtown Chicago. We drive her down there and are in the middle of a nice lunch at an outdoor Italian cafe, when out of nowhere she just went nuts! The waitress had just brought coffee for her and DH, and she mentioned that she really liked the coffee cups, and joked (I think...) that maybe she'd just put the mugs in her purse. A few seconds later DH looked me and said "we should really try to go to Italy sometime". All of a sudden MIL just went CRAZY and starts screaming "I THOUGHT WE WERE TALKING ABOUT THESE COFFEE MUGS!!!!!" :confused: She made a huge scene, and everyone was looking at us while she was freaking out. We had plans to take our kids to the zoo, and thought she'd calm down by the time we got there, but no... She then started flipping out at the zoo, and saying how she wanted to be driven to the airport tonight so she could go home, and how it was a huge mistake to ever come here. As soon as we got back home she called British Airways and was all upset that they didn't have any available flights tonight. She then proceeded to lock herself in our daughter's room, and has been in there for around 6 hours now, and won't come out! This is just so bizarre.

She was also acting really bizarre at around 4:00 this morning. I woke up to the sound of screaming and went to find out what was going on. By the time I opened our door, she had gone back in her room. At around 4:30 I then heard the bathtub running and the sound of something scraping against the walls. I woke up DH and made him go talk to her, but then she denied that she had ever gotten out of bed, and that I was the one that woke her up! :confused:

I guess the good news is that DH has referred to her as "CRAZY!" a number of times today, and told me that he now understands why is brother won't let her watch his daughter (I wasn't aware that his brother had decided that until today.) So.... At least I'm no longer really worried about DH leaving the kids alone with her. At this point she is just plain scaring me though. I really wish she could have found a flight. I would've driven her to the airport myself. DH was actually refusing and telling her she'd have to call a taxi!

ARGH!!!!! GO HOME!!!!!!

[GingerPow]

I guess the good news is that DH has referred to her as "CRAZY!" a number of times today, and told me that he now understands why is brother won't let her watch his daughter (I wasn't aware that his brother had decided that until today.) So.... At least I'm no longer really worried about DH leaving the kids alone with her. At this point she is just plain scaring me though. I really wish she could have found a flight. I would've driven her to the airport myself. DH was actually refusing and telling her she'd have to call a taxi!

ARGH!!!!! GO HOME!!!!!!
Well THANK GOD! Now your DH is seeing for himself what has had you concerned all along.

You know the old saying "give them enough rope, and they'll hang themselves." Well by virture of the fact that mommie dearest has been around long enough, she's freaked in front of DH and he sees what you, and his own brother, have seen already.

Seriously, this type of behavior sounds like she is more than just selfish, or crochety or whatever word people come up with to excuse an older person's "off" behavior.

It sounds like she should be tested for Alzheimers / dementia. With some people, a symptom of dementia is to lose control like that. I found this:
http://www.alz.co.uk/alzheimers/symptoms.html
Changes in mood or behaviour
Everyone can become sad or moody from time to time. A person with dementia may become unusually emotional and experience rapid mood swings for no apparent reason. Alternatively a person with dementia may show less emotion than was usual previously.

Changes in personality
A person with dementia may seem different from his or her usual self in ways that are difficult to pinpoint. A person may become suspicious, irritable, depressed, apathetic or anxious and agitated especially in situations where memory problems are causing difficulties

So sorry for you all right now - this must be torture. Hang in there.

[erinl]

Oh man, Andrea! Scary! I've got a pack and play, an inflatable toddler bed and a guest room if you and the kids want to get the heck out of the house. Seriously. If she's wandering and freaking out in the middle of the night, I'd be afraid for my kids. I hope she can get on the next flight back to the UK.

[ChristieinMB]

Jeez, I know she is a b*tch, but it really sounds like mental illness now, I feel sorry for her, did you say she lives alone? That sounds unsafe, I really think you should help your DH, help his mother, I know she drives you crazy but it is his mother. Show compassion to you DH, this must be difficult for him.

[beacooker]

Have you guys thought about getting her to a doctor??? That sounds like what she needs. Along with dementia/Alzheimer's, heart problems and stroke can cause strange behavior.

[gertdog]

Oh, Andrea, that sounds awful, and scary. If she is really getting up and wandering around at night, I'd be concerned about the kids.

But if this is how she is all the time, how can she go home and continue living by herself? It sounds like your DH and his brother (and any other siblings) need to have a serious discussion about their mom's health and figure out what to do.

This all may be really hard on your DH. Obviously your immediate concern is handling the situation while she's visiting you, and keeping your children safe, but it does sound like the overall problem is not really going to go away when she goes home.

((((Andrea and DH and MIL))))

[jmarie]

I would be scared to death to have her traveling in this condition. It really sounds like she may have had a stroke. We have a friend who has gone off the deep end several times in the last coupld of years and he has been diagnosed with
1st. time: low sodium...could she be dehydrated?
2nd. time: infection of the blood
3rd. time: stroke
4th. time diabetes (His Primary Care Physician sent him to a specialist and this is what they ruled, to the dismay of the PCP.) Hid PCP now think he has early stages of Alzeheimers.... :(

Apparently all of these conditions can cause behaviors of this type.

I hope that things get better for you, I know how scary this is for you.
Joyce

[Andrea_2]

I really think you should help your DH, help his mother, I know she drives you crazy but it is his mother. Show compassion to you DH, this must be difficult for him.

I actually do agree with this. In fact, after she went and locked herself in our daughter's room I had a chat with DH about the situation. As much as she drives me crazy, I feel sorry for DH having to deal with this (and even sorry for her if something is really wrong with her). I asked him if he thought she was depressed, and if he could ask his brother back home to help her find someone (a counselor etc..) to talk to. I heard somewhere that people are very likely to become depressed after bypass surgery (she had that last year), so I wonder if that is a factor. However... she has exhibited many of these behaviors repeatedly in the past too (long before the bypass). She has a definite history of having tantrums when she doesn't get her way, or isn't the center of attention, and has been a history of being extremely selfish. The thing is though.. that she is capable of acting reasonable if she wants to. She always acts very mature and sane when we go visit my dad and step-mom, and last night was no exception when we met them for dinner. She acted perfectly normal the whole time, so part of me thinks she is choosing to react the way she does in certain situations.

My grandmother had Alzheimer's, and I've been seeing some similarities in MIL's behavior lately. It is really hard to draw the line though on what she is doing deliberately for attention and what might be legitimate mental illness. I'm going to try and get DH to push to get her in for an evaluation. In the past she was just annoying, but lately she is scaring me, and I don't like feeling that way in my own house. She does live by herself at home, and I'm not sure how we'll get her into a safer environment. That was a huge challenge with my grandmother when she was living alone. It took police officers finding her wandering around the south side of Chicago at 3:00 am before my dad realized he couldn't wait any longer to take action. I guess we'll start by trying to get her evaluated.

Erin - Thanks for the sweet offer. Hopefully things will improve, but her visits generally get progressively worse, not better. I think I'll have my kids sleep in our room the next few nights. Last night was just too strange! That is the part that makes me think that there might be some sort of dementia involved.

Thanks for listening everyone!

[Robyncz]

I've been lurking on this thread, but I hadn't replied before now because I didn't have anything to add, but it sounds to me like she needs to see a medical doctor, not a counselor. And probably before she gets on a long international flight. . .

[Robyn1007]

I agree that she needs to see a doctor sooner rather than later but I'm glad that DH finally sees that he cannot leave your children alone with her. I don't wish ill on her (and I know you don't either) but you have to look out after your children first and then worry about her care.

Good luck, this is a tough situation!

[mbrogier]

I agree with Robyncz. She needs to see a neurologist NOW. I know that it is hard to get in to see specialists in the UK, and it might be hard to get her to go when she's back by herself. I'd be calling the family doctor in the morning and getting an emergency referral. It could be dementia, alzheimers, or stroke. If it is stroke/mini strokes, a long plane ride could be a really bad idea right now because more clots could form. I would get her tested before I gave her aspirin to thin her blood for the trip or any other over the counter measures just because if she has an undiagnosed bleeding stroke now it would make it worse.

I would be concerned that she could flip out on the middle of the flight and be injured by people trying to restrain her. Just make sure there isn't a physical cause for her behavior--especially if she wakes up tomorrow like nothing ever happened. (mini strokes usually resolve in 24 hours)

(((Andrea)))