Can I rant about this invitation!

[clairea]

I received an invitation in the mail yesterday to a 60th bday party for DH's stepmother. I'm wondering just how many social faux pas can be made in one invitation.

First, DH and I are listed as hosting the party -- we hadn't even been told there was going to be a party, much less asked about hosting it, when it would be, or anything else. The party is out of town over labor day weekend (not much notice), and we can't even be there. So apparently DH and I will be hosting a party that we didn't know about and can't attend.

There is a "regrets only" RSVP phone number, but no indication of whose number it is -- I'm guessing it is the phone number of one of SMIL's children, so do I just call and see who answers? I hate it when you don't know who you are RSVPing to.

I know this has been debated before, but I am firmly in the camp of "you don't mention gifts at all on an invitation", so having my name on an invitation that said "no presents please" about sent me over the edge.

I'm sure I am reacting more strongly because SMIL and I don't get along (well, she doesn't speak to me anymore, so we get along better now). I really don't want to be associated at all with throwing a party for her, but I will at least do the adult thing and just write a check when I am asked for my share of the cost of the party.

Okay, I feel better now that I have that off my chest. At least I don't actually have to go to the party :D

[lindrusso]

So who IS throwing this party? Is SMIL really throwing it for herself and trying to make it appear as if others are doing it?

I don't know that I'd shell out one dime for a party that you don't know anything about. That's like her going out and buying a gift for herself and sending you the bill! Or, if someone else really is hosting this thing it's like them buying her a gift and sending you the bill. Completely unacceptable.

As for the gift part - I don't mind the "no gifts" clause. Some people feel so obligated to bring gifts and sometimes you really don't want them! That doesn't offend me.

The rest of it is just plain weird!

[foodlady]

:eek: :eek: :eek: :eek: :eek:

This is just wrong on so many levels!!!

[Peweh]

WOW. I'm speechless. But once I recovered, I'd call the number if I were you and find out who is behind all this!!

[ChristyMarie]

I don't know that I'd shell out one dime for a party that you don't know anything about. That's like her going out and buying a gift for herself and sending you the bill! Or, if someone else really is hosting this thing it's like them buying her a gift and sending you the bill. Completely unacceptable.

I agree completely. If she (or whoever is actually hosting) couldn't take a moment to contact you to find out if you wanted to host or minded if the invite was worded that way then why should you offer to pay for any of this???

[Wendy w]

Very, very, very tacky.

You say that you get along better because you and SMIL don't talk? I'm with Alysha, why should you pay one cent for a party that you didn't know about or attend? Let her children deal with it and may the peace be kept by her keeping on not speaking to you. I may sound petty but I'm a big believer in setting boundaries and she has stepped over them in a bad way.

[clairea]

I don't know who is throwing the party, but my guess is that FIL and SMIL are throwing it but want it to look like all of SMIL's "adoring" children and stepchildren are doing it for her as that is who is listed as hosting. They are big into maintaining the appearance of having a big extended family with themselves at the center, but not the reality of it. Their relationships with all of the children/stepchildren are pretty poor.

I told DH he has to call and RSVP and find out who it is. I don't deal with his family.

I don't want to contribute anything to the cost, but that is just not a battle worth fighting. Any little issue becomes a huge blowup so it is much easier just to write a check and keep the peace.

Can we say dysfunction :D

[Robyn1007]

OMG! It reminds me of the email I got from the maid of honor telling me to pay $50 towards bride's shower (I was in the wedding) that I had no part in planning, couldn't be there (and if I had been going would have had to pay for a plane ticket) and wasn't discussed with me in advance. I had just finished moving and had no spare money at all. The bride was somewhat offended as well and didn't want me to pay anything. But, your situation is even worse!

As far as the number, you might try www.anywho.com where they have a reverse look up feature or just google the phone number (use the punctuation). If it isn't a cell phone or unlisted you might be able to figure out who it was.

Good luck!
Robyn

[DeeK]

They are big into maintaining the appearance of having a big extended family with themselves at the center, but not the reality of it. Their relationships with all of the children/stepchildren are pretty poor.

<a portion snipped>

Can we say dysfunction :D

Oh golly ....do we live in the same family? :eek: ;)

[Middydd]

I don't know who is throwing the party, but my guess is that FIL and SMIL are throwing it but want it to look like all of SMIL's "adoring" children and stepchildren are doing it for her as that is who is listed as hosting.


Can we say dysfunction :D

Did they list all their children and stepchildren on the invitation as "hosting" the party? Or just you and your husband?

[lindrusso]

I don't want to contribute anything to the cost, but that is just not a battle worth fighting. Any little issue becomes a huge blowup so it is much easier just to write a check and keep the peace.

Now, I admit that it's much easier to arm-chair quarterback here than to actually be the one in the middle, but it's not just about keeping peace here. This is about setting boundaries so that you are not taken advantage of.

Have they done this type of thing in the past?

I just think that by paying, you're telling them that you're there to foot the bill on their whim. Not a precedent I'd want to set.

We've talked a lot on these boards about taking the high road by ignoring rude and unkind comments or gestures by relatives. IMO, this goes beyond that. It's darned near extortion.

ETA: Of course this assumes that someone actually does ask for money. Hopefully that won't happen.

[Kristilyn1]

I agree that the family sounds completely clueless and downright rude. If all the children and step children are listed as "hosting", maybe they just put your names on it because they didn't want your names to stick out as glaringly omitted. Perhaps knowing that your SMIL doesn't speak to you they decided this was the easiest way to handle it, without having to actually do anything to deal with it.

Either way, they are way out of line here, but wanted to give another thought on why they did it that way. It's exactly the kind of thing my family might do to deal with the one or two, okay one child in the family that is the fly in the ointment of everything we ever plan. We've even signed her name to gifts to avoid any explanation of why she is not participating. Though in that case SHE'S the problem--which I realize is not the same in your case, but maybe that's how the family perceives you (if they've been listening to SMIL).

Kristi

[clairea]

Thanks for the confirmation that I am not crazy!

MiddyDD, all of the children and stepchildren are listed on the invitation.

There is sort of a rotating "black sheep" role in this family in terms of who isn't being spoken to and is considered to be the source of all of the family's woes, and right now it seems to be DH's and my turn, and I think one of DH's stepbrothers and his wife are also in the same position.

Alysha, I see your point. However, having fought this battle for almost 15 years I have realized that there is no end and no resolution, and no action I take is going to have an effect on my ILs. I've tried being subtle, I've tried being direct, I've tried just about every tactic in the book and have finally concluded that compromise only works when both sides are willing to participate. However, since holding the line on issues will result in a major family blowup it does not seem worth it over a couple hundred dollars. The last time we had an issue like this was when a "family vacation" was planned (also without DH's and my knowledge) and we were expected to attend -- unfortunately it conflicted with other plans we had, and even with some major rearranging we were only able to go for half the week. DH had to endure several days of phone calls from FIL yelling and screaming that we were trying to destroy the family, keep them away from the kids, etc. DH is getting better about setting boundaries, but when he worries that little issues like this could result in his family basically disowning him I can see why he doesn't want to push the issue.

Kristi, you have a good point. However, I still think they could have called and at least told us. I said SMIL doesn't speak to me -- I still speak to her and try to maintain civility and set a good example for my children (besides, this drives her nuts :p ).