Questions re untimely death

[Valerie226]

I need to attend a funeral for fairly close friend's husband who died suddenly in an vehicle accident. I know most of his family somewhat, and I think they are fairly religious. What else is appropriate after "I'm so sorry this happened". I am not a religious person and have been appalled at comments that get voiced, like "He's in a better place/heaven/ now" etc. What other kind things can be said ? (I know there was a thread on this not too long ago but I couldn't find it.)

[mrswaz]

How about "If there's anything I can do, or if you need anything, please let me know."

Sometimes an "I'm so sorry, I'll be thinking of you" is all you need to say too.

[BucknellAlum]

Sometimes honesty is best, "I wish there were something I could say" or "My thoughts are with you and your family"

What not to say:

"God doesn't give you more than you can handle" (that implies that if the survivor was a weaker person, God would not have taken the loved one away!)

"He is in a better place" This may be true, but that doesn't make the widow feel better.

"At least you had him for # of years"

It amazes me what people will say to mourners. Mostly I try to assume that they mean well, and just haven't thought through their comments. Nice of you to try to think of something appropriate in advance.

[Terri_A]

I lost a very dear friend this year who was 36 years old. Although I'm not her family, we had been quite close for many years and I found that at the funeral a lot of people came to me to express their sympathy. A lot of things were said that I wish hadn't been said to me. Some of the things that I found comforting were when people just said I know how much she meant to you and will be missed, I don't know anything to say, but I'm sorry - true sentiments - so say what you really think and feel. It's when people try to say contrived ideas that the meaning is lost and it comes out awkward. I think if you go by what your heart says - you will be a comfort to them.

I'm sorry you lost someone so close to you and hope that you are doing well.

[Blissful_in_TX]

Here are a couple threads:

http://community.cookinglight.com/showthread.php?t=62468&highlight=sympathy

http://community.cookinglight.com/showthread.php?t=61581&highlight=sympathy

[Valerie226]

thanks blissful-in-TX. ... the first thread was the one I was looking for. I would not be inclined to say any of the awful examples of what not to say, although I'm sure I will overhear some of that. the one I'm afraid of hearing is "he died doing something he loved" since it was some kind of ORV accident. But since I will know many of the people attending I want to have a few more ideas of things to say after "I'm so sorry". I plan on seeing my friend next week after the funeral, if she wants company.

[Canice]

I usually limit it to "I'm so sorry" and something heartfelt about the person and leave it there.
I'm not big on "let me know if there's anything I can do". Certainly nothing *wrong* with it, but when my sister died last year people would say that as a sort of perfunctory thing. It certainly didn't bother me, but it didn't have any real meaning.

[lindrusso]

I'm not big on "let me know if there's anything I can do". Certainly nothing *wrong* with it, but when my sister died last year people would say that as a sort of perfunctory thing. It certainly didn't bother me, but it didn't have any real meaning.

I know, I struggle with this one.

On the one hand, it does seem meaningless because it's not likely the party in need is really going to pick up the phone and say, "Hey, could you bring me over dinner tonight? I'm just not feeling up to it". On the other hand, I really do want the person to know that I would be willing to anything at all to help and that I'm just a phone call away.

Some people say it's better to offer to help in a more direct way, like saying "When would be a good time to bring over a meal?" so that the person in need does not have to actually ask for it. That seems pushy to me - what if they really don't want a meal? Or what if they just want to be alone?

A different way to approach it would be "What can I do to help?", but sometimes they truly don't know (especially if the grief is still really fresh) or don't really need help at that time (just after a tragedy, you sometimes have all the help you need with family around) but might need it later.

So how can one make a meaningful offer of help?

I guess one way is to just keep in touch and try to sense what they might need through regular conversation. One of my friends did this when Chuck was ill. I was talking about how I was too chicken to get up on the roof to clean out the gutters. She told her husband and he came out to do it for us. When it snowed, some of the husbands called to offer to plow for us, that sort of thing.

[linsleyd]

My brother recently passed away from no apparent reason at 33 and honestly beyond I'm sorry made me cry even more. A "If there is anything I can do" is helpful but beyond that in that stage of grief isn't necessary. Follow up cards and flowers are good and calling or visiting to make sure your friend is doing ok.

[blazedog]

Ditto to everything said -- You really don't have to say anything to someone in mourner except I am so sorry -- I will miss him (if appropriate) -- especially to the people who are directly mourning him -- If you are just a friend, the family is quite likely not even going to remember what you said -- unless you make one of those outrageous statements.

I also would avoid any expression that is at all -- I understand how you feel. If however, you have suffered the same loss - perhaps a simple statement to that effect is helpful (but remember is is NOT about you). When my brother died unexpectedly I did find it comforting to hear from those who had lost a sibling unexpectedly.

As to what you can do -- probably nothing unless you are within that person's circle of friends. If you are, then phone calls and invitations to do simple things are welcome -- especially if you make it clear that it is okay with you if the person ISN'T cheerful and starts to cry or is otherwise not a "good" companion.

Mourning is not a linear progression -- which is why even in the first week -- at the week or sitting shivah -- or however people demarcate the initial week of mourning, it is a mixture of laughter and tears.

[newtricks]

When talking to one of his loved ones what about a statement about him?

"I will miss/ always remember his sense of humour/ how much he cared for his family/" etc.

Maybe that's more appropriate in a note and will become more meaningful as time goes by. I don't know.

[blazedog]

Valerie -- Since you are a close friend of this woman, I would suggest that you do things to help her and the whole family during the first week. My best friend did that when my mother died -- as did my brother's best friend when he died.

They just helped out seamlessly -- my friend helped enormously with the food after the funeral for example because the immediately family is going to be exhausted -- emotionally and physically -- Someone to pitch in with that kind of stuff was really helpful. There are lots of loose ends that are coming back to me -- chauffering people to and fro from the airport, to the various services etc. and it was wonderful to know that other people woud be available to take some of the administrative load.

As for afterwards, you just continue to be her friend and make sure that you show up and take the initiative in terms of being there.

[Jessica]

I sometimes will say something about the way I will remember the person. This can be a good thing to write in a sympathy note, too. I really appreciated those types of memories when I lost my grandmother, although that is different in that she did not die young.

I've been known to say, "Is there anything I can do?" But I think it is more helpful to offer something specific.

"Can I bring a meal to your house next week?" (or watch the children, or clean the bathrooms)

"Would you like company?" You can ask again in a few weeks, when all the initial help wears thin.

[MikeC]

It amazes me what people will say to mourners. Mostly I try to assume that they mean well, and just haven't thought through their comments. Nice of you to try to think of something appropriate in advance.

I think Bucknell is right. I think often we go to the funeral home and we don't know what to say, but we want to say something/anything helpful; and so the nerves take over and people sometimes say very strange things.

I've had two occasions within the last five or six years where I've said, "I'm so very sorry," and then stopped, not knowing what to say -- and then simply said, "I wish I knew what to say to you." In both cases, they responded as if they knew exactly what I was saying; a lot of times, there isn't very much you can say to give comfort, and I think we're often better off not trying to come up with something that we desperately hope will give comfort.

One was a young father whose 10 year old son had been thrown out of a car on the highway and killed; the other was to the father-in-law of a guy who was in line for a transplant that didn't come soon enough.

Often I find the one in mourning will say something like, "I know that she/he is in a better place now." I think it's fine to agree with someone who says that, or who says something like "God doesn't give us more than we can handle," but I would never actually say that to someone who is mourning. And as a religious person, I will usually also say something like "I'll keep you and your family in my prayers."

Usually there isn't much that you really need to say; I take my cue from the person who is mourning; if they want to talk about the situation, or the person, or the death, I just listen sympathetically. I think the fact that you are there is what really counts.

[LakeMartinGal]

I think that any heartfelt statement will be taken well. Also, it helps to just DO something you know has to be done. I read an article in Reader's Digest many years ago, about a man who came to the house and just polished all the shoes he could find (must have been a close friend), because he knew that would be a chore that was necessary, but could have been overlooked. Cutting the lawn, when you know people will be visiting would be helpful, too, as well as the things Alysha said folks did for her while her DH was ill. Running folks to the airport, picking up cleaning, doing dishes... all good stuff, if you're close enough to the family...

[Tally]

I like what newtricks suggested - a brief statement about the person who passed away. A reminisence about the person really means much more than a general statement of support.

I've recently been on the receiving end of comments when my Dad died suddenly from a heart attack last year. He was a college professor, and it was really touching when people came up to my brother and I and told us how they knew my Dad: "You probably don't remember me, but your Dad and I worked together. We had many lunches together at Rose's restaurant and I always appreciated your Dad's sense of humor." Even just little comments like "I just saw your Dad last week and we were talking about his grandson" (my son) were very touching and greatly appreciated.

[LakeMartinGal]

Even if you don't know the decedent, but are there for someone else, a kind thing to say is, "I never knew your ________, but he/she must have been very special to have you for a ________." :)

[Valerie226]

Thanks for your thoughts, all. I (we) did know the man who was killed, I just know his wife better. we used to be neighbors but now live about 30 miles away so don't get together often. I will be gone on vacation for a couple weeks but that's OK. I can perhaps be more useful when closer family have to go back to their jobs and get on with their lives, and she stilll needs some support. This will be hard.