SO question

[hhcowgirl]

Hey! I posted something semi-related to this on another thread, but I thought I would try this topic and see what y'all had to say. For those of you who are married, how long did you and your SO date before you became engaged? Also, did you discuss marriage at all or did he just propose? I am in the process of having to make some tough decisions right now (i.e., career choices, location, etc.) and just don't know what my SO is thinking. We have talked pretty vaguely about marriage, he has told me several times that he wants to spend the rest of his life with me, but we have never talked when, etc. I know he (as do I) disdains girls whose sole goal in life is to get married, so I don't want to nag him about it--I just want y'all to sort of weigh in with your thoughts, since they are always so helpful. Single girls, feel free to reply too!

Edited to add:

Gosh, I just re-read this post and am a little embarassed--it sounds like I am a pathetic, male-dependent weakling!! I assure you that is not the case--what I should have emphasized is that I simply ADORE my SO and don't want to lose him and have never felt like this about anyone in my life, and I just wonder if I am on the right "track"--do y'all think he is probably, from his actions/words, thinking the same?????

[This message has been edited by hhcowgirl (edited 01-23-2001).]

[Kerri]

Hello! I think I can relate to what you are going through and I don't think you sound at all male-dependent. You are just trying to make some decisions and need all the facts first. My husband and I graduated and moved across the country together after only dating for 6 months. He had a job and I didn't, but it was a safe move for me because we were moving to Dallas where I have lived before and had a lot of friends. However, at the time of the move we had some definate plans and I probably wouldn't have gone without knowing that. We became engaged in Jan 00, 1 year after we started dating, and married in Sept 00.

It is impossible to know what your SO is thinking and as hard as it is, and as embarrassed as you may get, you have to talk to him about it. He may feel the same way and be just as embarrassed to bring it up.

Good luck!

[kwormann]

I also dont think there is anything wrong with telling him you need to discuss your (both of you) future so you can work on your (just you) future plans!

BTW, we dated 3 monthe before engagement, and another 9 before marriage!

Kim

[MrsReber]

This is going to be a long one, so bear with me! Sorry to rattle on!

Well, my husband and I met in November of 96- then I moved in with him in June of 97. We talked about marriage and the future, but nothing definite (probably just like the way you have talked about it). After a year and a half of living together and getting frustrated (me) that the relationship didn't seem to be moving forward, I told my husband (SO at the time) that there are things that I want in life such as marriage and children. He was 30 at the time and I was 28, so it wasn't like we were young kids. I think at that point you have more of an idea of what you're looking for. I simply told him that if he didn't want these things with me, then I would have to move on and find someone who does. I made it clear that I love him dearly, would hate to ever leave him, but I couldn't go through years of being his "girlfriend" as opposed to his "wife". I told him it was not by any means an ultimatum, it was just not fair for me to sacrifice the things that I wanted if he didn't want them, too.

Well, he is a man, so I got all kinds of reasons why he didn't propose, but he knew as well as I did that they were just a reflection of his fear. Why was he afraid? All those jerks he worked with who said things like "Ahh! Don't get married, it'll change everything! You're better off being a bachelor" Um, yes, and this coming from a married man who doesn't know what it's like to go home to an empty house everyday? Well, we discussed it for a couple of more weeks. My birthday came along in November of 98 and I saw that there was a little box for me. A ring? Never. He said "it's not a ring" and I said "I know". I think that disturbed him. So we went to dinner and he said he didn't know how to propose to me and that he didn't want to just pick out a ring since I was the one who had to wear it. I told him that being proposed to is a very nice thing, but marriage can be a mutual decision and I didn't need all the bells and whistles, I just needed to know whether or not he wanted to spend his life with me. Turns out, we went together and bought a ring and got married the following year- September of 99.

Has anything changed? But of course, we are closer now than before and I just love that we have committed ourselves to each other in front of our friends, families, and god. We wrote our own wedding vows, too- I strongly recommend it. They were a true reflection of each of us.As a matter of fact, his vow had all the women in tears because it was really from his heart.

Well, all those guys also told him not to have children- "my marriage was great until we had kids!! Don't have kids!!" I laughed and said "yeah, sure, they're all crazy about their kids" - and we'll be having one in May. He couldn't be happier.

[This message has been edited by MrsReber (edited 01-24-2001).]

[hhcowgirl]

Wow, Mrs. Reber, that is just what I needed to hear. First of all, I left some things out--I am young (24) and also we haven't even been together all that long, so it's not like I have been thinking about this forever. It;s just that I know he is who I want to be with, and I hope he feels the same way. I think after this summer, when I have to decide which law firm I want to join/where I want to be, I am going to have to have the exact same talk that you did. Right now, Irealize he is just enjoying our "girlfriend/boyfriend time" and I need to do the same and just let things run their course. I never have been accused of being very patient! Thanks so much again for your story.

[CathyR]

Just thought I would throw my 2 cents in: At age 25, I got engaged 6 mos after meeting my SO and we married 6 mos after that. We've now been married 7 1/2 years but it has not always been easy. Looking back, I would highly recommend knowing someone longer than 6 mos (maybe at least a year) before getting engaged. You need time for the rose-colored glasses to get a bit clearer to see what you're really getting into. Also, my Mom always said to watch how they relate to their Mother and siblings and discuss how that could impact your lives together.
Best wishes for your future!
Cathy

[Meg O'C]

Ah, what a topic!

My husband and I have known eachother for 15 years since we were in 8th grade. We didn't date until a year after college (in 1995) and we just got married in September of 2000. In high school we were always "just friends" even though we did go to the Jr prom together. We actually dated each other's friends in high school. We've now admitted there was an attraction even then. We kept in touch throughout college and then after we had been out of college for a year, the relationship just started turning in to more than a friendship. I was ecstatic. He was freaked out!

Basically our whole relationship has been a long distance relationship
(and still is today). He has always traveled for his job (CT, FL, CA, VA, MN, OH Europe, the list goes on . . .for the past 5+ years of his career he has been in jobs that have required him to rotate to new businesses within his company every 4-6 months). Meanwhile I have always been in NJ. We are both pretty career oriented and really enjoy our careers and do well in them. Even today, he continues to travel all the time for his job. When we got married, we knew there would be another year to year and half of travel and we were both comfortable with that (short-term sacrifice for long-term career benefits).

Anyway in spring-summer 98 his job got to be particularly demanding and he suddenly began appreciating the other aspects of his life (me) much more seriously than he had in the past. I, on the other hand, was getting tired of three years of very slow progress and was actually emotionally preparing myself to just walk away. We had a rough couple of months and then after the holidays that year we finally seemed to both be in the same place-- a very good place. We had both kind of put our careers in perspective and realized that while they were important to us, we were also very important to each other-- best friends, in fact! And we wanted that to continue forever. That spring (99) brought us his sister's wedding and my sister's wedding so I kept having to challenge myself and make sure that I wasn't getting so caught up in their excitement that I was telling myself I wanted to get married. One morning I sent him an e-mail that said, "I am ready to get married." (We both still have that e-mail.) I had been out to dinner with friends the night before and he wrote back and said, "What went on at dinner last night?!?"

Anyway, we quietly began shopping for rings, bought one in July and he proposed Labor Day weekend (he tortured me a bit making me wait but he wanted to surprise me and since we had picked out the ring together, this was his way of keeping me guessing). We got married a year later exactly (Labor Day weekend 2000).

Bottom line, if your job choice does result in you moving, I think giving long distance a try is not all together a bad idea. I think it has made my relationship with my husband very strong. I have lots of girlfriends who have been in long distance relationships. The strong ones last and the ones that were not meant to be, don't. Don't apologize about feeling male-dependent. Loving a good man is a good thing! I think you should tell him how you are feeling.

Sorry so long . . . I like to tell my story to anyone who will listen and I love hearing others!

[MrsReber]

hhcowgirl, glad I could help! I love my husband dearly and am so glad to be married to him. I still, after 4 1/2 years of being together, can't wait to see him when I get home. I hope things work out for the two of you. I had been in a couple of "nowhere" relationships before I met him and I knew the moment I met him that he was the one I wanted to be with. Peole would tell me "you'll just KNOW" and I'd laugh. Well, it can happen that way. I wish you luck with your situation. Life isn't always easy, unfortunately, and some choices are hard to make. You have to do what's right for you- just remember, either way it's not being selfish and it's not an ultimatum. Don't sacrifice what's important to you if your SO won't support you in your endeavors. http://www.cookinglight.com/bbs/smile.gif

[Natasha]

I'm tempted to start a thread on what to do when your SO is driving you crazy...but no, I'll be nice and resist the temptation. http://www.cookinglight.com/bbs/wink.gif

Yes, it's Friday night and I'm working...loserrrrr, I know. Obviously it's making me crazy, too. Almost done for the day, though. Can't wait to cook and bake and relax a bit.

[Laura]

Natasha

This will help you. The wine of the week is Rabbit Ridge Zinfindael (I know, I know, I can't spell) SO bugging you or not, it will help tremendously. http://www.cookinglight.com/bbs/wink.gif

[Natasha]

Thanks Laura. How funny. I just had a glass of Woodbridge Sauvignon Blanc (not quite the same, but...) and it was therapeutic for sure. Then I logged on and saw your message! http://www.cookinglight.com/bbs/biggrin.gif

Hopefully this weekend will be a good one. You don t work too hard either. Forget those PPOs for a while!

Oh, yes, another thing that helped was making the chocolate-cinnamon brownies with chocolate ganache from the Feb. 2000 Bon Appetit. The therapy was more in the making than in the eating (not that the square I had wasn t delicious...). I just needed to get in the kitchen and create something comforting.

[This message has been edited by Natasha (edited 01-26-2001).]

[digginsjr]

Wow, what a question. I remember when I was 24, and 6 months seemed like a very long time, it isn't. You are young, remember that if what you feel is true love, it will change many times in the next few years.

If you have other pressures on you, such as fulfilling your dreams of pursuing your law career, you need to make sure that your SO has the same goals in mind. He may want a stay at home wife, or someone that may not be as big of a threat - you need to know these things before you make any decisions about your future.

These types of talks don't always happen early in a relationship. Early in relationships, people are so interested in pleasing their partners, they don't always express their true feelings.

Take your time, don't give up your goals, or sacrifice what you have worked hard for. True love lasts thru many hardships and you will be happier if you take your time and be sure.

I've been with my SO for 10 years, we are getting married this summer. We have struggled together, grown together, and have learned so much about each other, that life will be good. We know we can count on each other for support and encouragement. We know we won't run out when the going gets tough, because we have already been there.

Best wishes for a very happy life!!

[clairea]

I think everyone who has posted on this thread has given some great advice, but wanted to weigh in with my 2 cents about how your relationship issues and career choices tie together. Remember that no career choice is permanent, and so if you choose to go to one city and later decide that you need or want to move to be closer to your SO it can be done. My husband and I began dating when we were third year law students (at Vandy -- isn't that where you are?) and so both had already taken jobs for after graduation -- his in Atlanta and mine in Dallas. We got engaged 6 months after I started working in Dallas, and I left my job there and moved to Atlanta 3 months after that. I was worried that it would look bad that I had only stayed with firm in Dallas for 9 months, but nobody even raised the issue when I was interviewing in Atlanta, and I found another job (that I liked a lot better) without too much difficulty. Of course, there is the down side of having to take another bar, but even that isn't so bad the 2nd time around. I remember how frustrating it is not to have all these issues resolved at the same time, and I hope it will work out that way for you, but if it doesn't that doesn't necessarily mean the relationship has to be over.

[Angelina]

I met my husband over the phone. We would talk almost every day for business reasons..I was only 22 back then. One day, he asked me for my phone number. I was confused! Obviously, he DID have my number! He then told me he wanted my home number instead, so that we could talk after work. Well, maybe you guys won't believe it, but I never had a boyfriend before. I was so excited and a bit scared! So he called me..this was in May of '90.

He didn't want to meet me right away, because he said he wanted to lose weight first, but we got so close during that summer that he actually proposed to me over the phone! Before we even met! And I accepted. We finally met in November, the day after Thanksgiving, on the steps of St. Patrick's Cathedral in NY. I was shy, tentative..but we both were very happy.

We married in '92. It would have been earlier if my parents didn't insist on the whole big wedding thing.. http://www.cookinglight.com/bbs/wink.gif But it's a wonderful memory for me, even the part where the DJ put on the theme from 'Rocky' when me and my husband walked in the hall, for the first time as a married couple.

If you love him, Hhcowgirl, you must talk to him. What if you don't, you leave, and you are both heartbroken? I think you owe it to each other to be clear on your future, on your needs..And maybe then you will be as happy as I am, after almost 9 years of married bliss. http://www.cookinglight.com/bbs/smile.gif

Angela

[hhcowgirl]

Well, guys, I am happy to say it all seems to have sort of worked itself out. We flew home to my hometown for the weekend and had a WONDERFUL time. On Saturday afternoon, we were just walking around the golf course after he had played 18 holes w/ my dad, and he just brought it up. Where I want to be, how long I want to work, where he would be happiest, but, most importantly, that he will be with me no matter what. So I feel much more at peace right now--and your advice helped so much! Thanks again for everything.

[kwormann]

COngrats...Im so glad everything worked out so well, and in such a great way!

Kim http://www.cookinglight.com/bbs/smile.gif

[Kristilyn1]

Too late to weigh in on the original question, but now that you've crossed the hurdle of whether you want to be together, now is the time to REALLY discuss what that means for each of you. The biggest mistake I see people make is to not discuss their expectations before the marriage. Like about how you will raise your children, if you want children, even the little things like how much time you spend with friends, etc., etc., etc. Women tend to think that the whole relationship will change in some fundamental way and men expect the relationship to be exactly the same. Somewhere, between the two is the reality.

Kristi
who met and married her husband of 6 years--in less than a year and wouldn't take back a minute!

[MrsReber]

Yeah!! A happy ending. Hhcowgirl, I am very happy for you. I know sometimes you know what you want to say, but it's not always the easiest thing to approach your SO and just bring up a heavy topic like marriage or children. He sounds like a keeper!

Angela- love your story! That's so great. We women are so mushy with this stuff. I was never so sentimental about weddings until after I got married.