Babies, please!

[Angelina]

Hello ladies,

I have a question for all of you who are mothers and/or are crazy about babies. I have been married for almost 9 years now, and my husband would like for us to have a baby! What's wrong with that, you might ask.. Well, nothing, except for the fact that I am afraid I would make a really lousy Mom! I even have dreams where I misplace my baby, and think (in the dream) that if he's hungry, I will find him when he starts crying.

Most of my friends are mothers now, and all I hear from them is complaints: no time for anything but taking care of the baby, staying up all night, giving up all the things you like, exhaustion... I am starting to feel like a really selfish person, because the idea of giving EVERYthing up for a baby fills me with the fear I would resent this little creature for taking over my life.

So, the answer I usually get is: "You'd better NOT have kids then!". But that's not what I want to hear...Why can't somebody tell me all the wonderful things babies bring to life, instead of all the hard stuff? I am not afraid of the work they bring, but can somebody please tell me why it's all worthwhile?

Thank you. http://www.cookinglight.com/bbs/smile.gif

Angela

[Laura]

Being a mother is the hardest job I have ever undertaken and by far the most rewarding. I often feel like I have screwed up but at the end of each day when I tuck my kids in (and at 9 and 11 they still INSIST I tuck them in) they tell me I am the best mom in the world, and I figure at some point during the day I must have done something right.

If I tell you how much fun it is for me to just sit and talk with my kids, or go skiing with them, or play games every Sunday night, or listen to them pray, or watch them sleep, or the million other things that I enjoy doing with them, you may not be persuaded to have children. And that is okay. I just know that for me, my life would seem very empty without them.

Yes, we frustrate each other on an almost daily basis. But I am incredibly thankful that God honored with me with the responsibility of raising these two incredible young individuals.

It is an awesome responsibility and we probably should all be a litte fearful of it. It will take time away from your husband, your friends, your hobbies., but having children can enrich all those things as well. My children have made me a better person, and I wouldn't change any of it. I don't know if this helped you at all, but it does make me want to go pull my kids out of school for the day and tell them how much I love them. Sorry if I got too sappy, but it is an overwhelming experience.

Laura

[BeckyM]

I received the message below on e-mail a while ago about this very topic. I don't yet have kids, so I can't speak from personal experience, but I thought this message gave a wonderful picture of motherhood. (It made me get all teary-eyed, so any of you who are sentimental may want to have a tissue handy.)
*****************************************

We are sitting at lunch when my daughter casually mentions that she and her husband are thinking of "starting a family." "We're taking a survey," she says, half-joking.
"Do you think I should have a baby?"

"It will change your life," I say, carefully keeping my tone neutral.
"I know," she says, "no more sleeping in on weekends, no more spontaneous vacations...."

But that is not what I meant at all. I look at my daughter, trying to decide what to tell her. I want her to know what she will never
learn in childbirth classes. I want to tell her that the physical wounds of child bearing will heal, but that becoming a mother will
leave her with an emotional wound so raw that she will forever be vulnerable.

I consider warning her that she will never again read a newspaper without asking "What if that had been MY child?" That every plane
crash, every house fire will haunt her. That when she sees pictures of starving children, she will wonder if anything could be worse than watching your child die.

I look at her carefully manicured nails and stylish suit and think that no matter how sophisticated she is, becoming a mother will reduce her to the primitive level of a bear protecting her cub.

That an urgent call of "Mom!" will cause her to drop a souffle or her best crystal without a moment's hesitation.

I feel I should warn her that no matter how many years she has invested in her career, she will be professionally derailed by motherhood. She might arrange for childcare, but one day she will be going into an
important business meeting and she will think of her baby's sweet smell. She will have to use every ounce of her discipline to keep from running home, just to make sure her baby is all right.

I want my daughter to know that everyday decisions will no longer be routine. That a five year old boy's desire to go to the men's room rather than the women's at McDonald's will become a major dilemma. That right there, in the midst of clattering trays and screaming children, issues of independence and gender identity will be weighed against the prospect that a child molester may be lurking in that restroom.

However decisive she may be at the office, she will second-guess herself constantly as a mother. Looking at my attractive daughter, I
want to assure her that eventually she will shed the pounds of pregnancy, but she will never feel the same about herself. That her life, now so important, will be of less value to her once she has a child. That she would give it up in a moment to save her offspring, but will also begin to hope for more years-not to accomplish her own dreams, but to watch her child accomplish theirs.

I want her to know that a cesarean scar or shiny stretch marks will become badges of honor. My daughter's relationship with her husband will change, but not in the way she thinks. I wish she could understand
how much more you can love a man who is careful to powder the baby or who never hesitates to play with his child. I think she should know that she will fall in love with him again for reasons she would now find very unromantic.

I wish my daughter could sense the bond she will feel with women throughout history who have tried to stop war, prejudice and drunk
driving.

I hope she will understand why I can think rationally about most issues, but become temporarily insane when I discuss the threat of nuclear war to my children's future.

I want to describe to my daughter the exhilaration of seeing your child learn to ride a bike. I want to capture for her the belly laugh of a baby who is touching the soft fur of a dog or a cat for the first time. I want her to taste the joy that is so real, it actually hurts.

My daughter's quizzical look makes me realize that tears have formed in my eyes. "You'll never regret it," I finally say. Then I reach across the table, squeeze my daughter's hand and offer a silent prayer for her, and for me, and for all of the mere mortal women who stumble their way into this most wonderful of callings. This blessed gift from God . . .that of being a Mother.

Author Unknown

[karen w]

I knew I should not have looked at this BB today. I came here trying to get my mind off babies(even though I love them dearly and have 3 children of my own). I guess I came to the wrong place. I should have known better. I'm not trying to discourage anyone from having them because like I said I love them, but....I just found out about 30 min. ago I'm cooking an OOPSY! My husband and I are now trying to decide if we're going to go through with it...will 4 kids tip us over the edge!!! I hope nobody ever has to make this decision, because G-D is it hard. I'm sorry for rambling but that's kinda how my brain feels right now. Good luck with your decisions.

[mightyh]

BeckyM - I love that story. Have read it before and it makes me tear up every time (even before I had my baby). It's so true.

[hhcowgirl]

BeckyM--I am sitting at my computer sobbing my eyes out. Never before has anyting on this bb made me feel that way. Not because I am thinking of having kids soon or anything, but because I know, simply from looking in my mother's eyes, that this is the way she feels about me. I miss her so desperately sometimes (and she is only 300 miles away) that I feel as though I would do anything just to hear her voice.

Thanks so much for sharing that with us.

[hhcowgirl]

P.S. What is "cooking an oopsy"? Sounds a little crass. . . .

[lindrusso]

Angela,

I think that many people complain about their kids because it's easier to put your finger on what's hard about raising kids than it is to put your finger on what's great about it. The great parts are more intangible - it's feelings and little moments.

There is NO love on this earth like the love for a child. It is something that is fierce, unbreakable, intense, and boundless. You know without question that you'd give your life for these little ones. I love my husband very much, but it's different.

I LOVE seeing things through their eyes. Everything is new and exciting to them. Things that may have become mundane and boring to us are fascinating to a child - it opens our eyes and makes us step outside our own busy world of bills and chores to take a moment and see the little joys in life.

Watching all of their "firsts" is something I never tire of. Watching them struggle to crawl, their first words, their first snow - all of this is amazing. They bring much laughter and joy. You'd be surprised how just the tiniest utterances from a small infant can hold your attention for hours.

And when they first smile at you or put their tiny hand in yours - how your heart melts. Sure, there are many, many hard and trying times, but they are all worth it - all it takes is one little smile and the rest is forgotten.

Don't listen to those who seem cynical. Perhaps their unhappiness comes from another place. You can only listen to your own heart. Being afraid is normal and it's probably good - it's the most important job of your life! That warrants a little fear!

Children can take up a large chunk of your life, but you won't resent it if you remember to take care of yourself. Remember that taking a break from the kids is good for you and for them. If you fall into the trap of making your ENTIRE life theirs, you will be more likely to be unhappy. Though the kids come first, you have to save room for yourself.

You may still decide that you don't want to have children, but please don't let a few unhappy souls make your decision for you. And don't worry - no one I know has ever misplaced their baby http://www.cookinglight.com/bbs/wink.gif .....

[BethH]

hhcowgirl--I'm crying at my desk too!!!! I loved that post, I want to call my mom and have a baby right now http://www.cookinglight.com/bbs/wink.gif

ps...I think 'cooking an oopsy' means she's pregnant but wasn't planning to be.

[BeckyM]

I'm glad to hear I'm not the only one who gets soggy eyes and a runny nose from reading touching messages like that. Glad you all enjoyed it!

[Angelina]

Thank you all...so so much!! Yes, I feel like calling my mother too. That wonderful, amazing woman..She also tells me not to listen to all those doom-sayers. And I always remember her as a happy person, raising me and my brother, even though there were only 11 months between us. My brother has a little girl who is just beautiful and so smart! I can see my sister-in-law get frustrated sometimes, but then she smiles when she looks at her and it all melts away. Hmmm...I think I will print this out tomorrow and read it a few times more. Not on the subway, though. I would get too teary-eyed.

P.S. If I manage to get pregnant, you will have to hear me moan and groan the whole nine months. http://www.cookinglight.com/bbs/wink.gif

[hhcowgirl]

BeckyM--

Is there any way that you could e-mail that little story to me directly? I would love to pass it on to my mom and am not very good at this cutting and pasting stuff (and she is not very good at navigating the web!). Thanks.

[MrsReber]

Angela, my sister HATED children, never wanted children, didn't know how to deal with children. As a matter of fact, when she was 21 years old, I remember her getting into fights with our three year old half sister. Well, she married this great guy and he wanted kids. They decided they would have two- fate pretty much dictated the birth of the first child. They hadn't been married a year and my sister found out she was pregnant. She is the most wonderful mother to these children. She would give her life for them. Yes, she has to get up in the middle of the night, yes, she and her husband don't vacation alone, but she would not change things for anything! She and her husband didn't even know each other for a year before they got married, so they only had about 18 months together as a couple before the kids were on the way!

I always wanted children and I am scared to death (now 5 months pregnant). There's no manual! How will we know what to do?? But then I think what it will be like the first time my husband and I get to look at this beautiful child, this gift that is a part of both of us, an extension of our love for each other. I think of how it'll be to sit quietly while feeding this little baby. My sister says there is no greater feeling in the world than to have her two little ones look up to her and call her "mommy". Her son, who is three, often throws his arms around her and says "mommy I love you so much!!" How can that not be worth 2:00am feedings? Also, they never really gave up their freedom- they just bring the kids along! They behave very well in restaurants since they've been going out to eat since they were babies (they are 3 1/2 and 6 now).

Ultimately, if you don't want children because you just don't want them, then you shouldn't have them. If you have fears about being a good mother- well, everybody has those. That's perfectly normal. My biggest fear was becoming pregnant. I can't tell you how content I am and how truly amazing it is. It's a big decision and it shouldn't be taken lightly, just remember that there is no "right" time to have children. They do change your life, but I think it's for the better. I cannot wait to experience things again for the first time through the eyes of my child!

Good luck with whatever you decide! Sorry to go on for so long!

[mightyh]

It's worthwhile when you pick your ten month old up out of his crib from his nap and he leans his head on your shoulder and pats you on the back.

Or when he was six months old and when you asked him for a kiss, he leaned over and planted a very wet one on you.

It's amazing the things that can make you cry with happiness once you're a mom. When I asked my son "Where are your moons?" (his room is decorated in clouds, sun, and moon and he pointed to each of the moons in his room, I just about lost it.

And when he hears music, any kind of music--from toys or commercials or whatever, he rocks back and forth on his bottom to the beat.

I don't deny the shock about all the work involved with a baby... I had no idea how hard it would be. But even when I am so tired and feel almost fed up with everything, one smile from my baby can melt right through to my heart.

Right now I can hear the tinny strains of Hickory Dickory Dock coming from the nursery... Baby Noah must have just figured out how to pull on his pull toys to make music http://www.cookinglight.com/bbs/smile.gif

[Kristilyn1]

As has been discussed on here a million times--kids are not for everyone, but don't let fear of being a good mom scare you off! I remember my son's pediatrician walking into my room at the hospital and saying to me (before he said ANYTHING else) "I bet you're scared silly, but don't worry, kids don't come with user manuals and if you mess up--they will never know the difference". I laughed and that has been my mantra ever since. I always try to do my best, but I'm not perfect. If you care enough, are willing to try and obviously don't have any horrible, tragic personality flaws--you will do fine. I was the one of my friends that everyone said would never have children, etc. I have two and they are what brings the sun up in the morning and down at night. I enjoy their personalities, hearing their stories and blowing bubbles on their big fat tummies. I admit, I do not enjoy playing trucks, etc. with my sons so I don't. I read stories, let them help me bake, etc. I enjoy singing to them and the first time you feel a baby old enough to put his arms around your neck, sigh into the crook of your neck and nod off to sleep--you want that moment to last forever. Of course, the days when they drive me nuts are fairly often, but even then my husband and I have to laugh and say they may be little devils, but they are our devils. Watching my two little boys hug each other or laughing together makes my heart smile.

Kristi

[MrsReber]

Angela- if everyone can listen to my complaints and stories for 9 months, I can certainly listen to yours! Good luck with your decision. It's a tough one to make- I pondered it for years before I even met my husband and it still scares the heck out of me. But, being a woman, I cannot imagine not having a child. It is something that is so indescribable (is that a word?) that I knew I would have to experience it for myself.

Love the posts on here. They just make me more anxious for the day I am able to hold my baby!

[SusanD]

What a wonderful thing to read in the morning! Becky, I got a little teary too...and my baby knows why because I can feel her moving around as I type this! http://www.cookinglight.com/bbs/smile.gif I, too, have always been terrified of being a mom. I love children, and always have, but what I loved the most was that I could "give them back" when I was finished playing with them. I have to say that not in my wildest dreams did I ever imagine that I would be this happy being pregnant and be so excited to meet my baby. Yes, I'm nervous too, but the excitement and love for my unborn child far outweighs that. My dad actually told me once (and this was in reference to a job I was interviewing for, but I think it applies to a lot of situations) "If you're not at least a little bit nervous or scared, then it's probably not worth doing."

Best of luck to you, Angelina, whatever you choose to do!

[This message has been edited by SusanD (edited 01-31-2001).]

[BeckyM]

hhcowgirl -- The message should be on its way to you by e-mail. Post here if it doesn't reach you in a little while, and I'll try again. I just used the e-mail address in your profile.

[hhcowgirl]

Becky--I got it, thanks so much. It is currently on its way to my mother and sister (who has an adorable 15-month-old herself).

[Kristilyn1]

If this makes you feel any better, as much as I love my children, I make mistakes and these are some that I have made:

I put my oldest son (when he was 2) into the seat on the back of my bike, strapped him in with helmet, etc. Then I walked away to grab my helmet about 5 feet away. The problem? My bike did not have a kickstand. Luckily he was unhurt, but I was completely stricken with guilt.

Another time, recently. We are living in an apt. complex waiting for our house to be completed and we have to walk down a hallway to the laundry room. We were coming back and I was very distracted about something and when my son asked if he could "say hi to the kitty" I wasnt really listening and said, sure. Well, the "kitty" was a couple of cat paws sticking out under an apt. door and my son knelt down to pet the kitty's paws. Of course the cat couldn't see him coming and immediately scratched his finger deep enough to make blood come shooting out, which is devastating to a young child. I was of course horrified and felt like the worst mom ever. Unfortunately, for me these moments happen often. Luckily, my children still love me and think I hang the moon. Should I have not had children? Maybe some would say yes, but when he giggles at one of my jokes or tells me that he thinks I am "the best mom ever" I think, this is great!

Kristi

[SueK]

I'm a youngest child, and when my nephews were born, they all lived out of state. Consequently, when I had my daughter, I was completely clueless about babies! But, believe me, it doesn't matter. Your instincts definitely kick in!

One thing I remember is that my dr. told me that each year as his children got older, he would think to himself, "This is the best age yet!", and then the next year, he would think the same thing again. I have found that to be so true. Each year brings something new in your child, and you just sit in wonder at the miracle of human development, and the bond that you form with your child. When I hear "Mommy" in the middle of the night, it warms my heart to know that she needs me so much, and that I am there to take care of her. It's definitely the most challenging thing I'll ever do, but also the most rewarding! http://www.cookinglight.com/bbs/smile.gif

[cindyluwho]

Hi Karen,
That's a tough situation you're in...4 kids is really more than a handful! I don't have kids yet, so I can't claim to really relate to how difficult it would be. However, even if it's tough financially and will make life alot more hectic, the emotional and spiritual scars that come from abortion are so painful...I'm sure that even as you love your 3 kids now, you will love this 4th one, which you did not plan for, but which G-d planned for. He will provide all that you need to take care of this child.

Praying for you!

Cindy