Help with dilemma

[doggerham]

Hello all,

I need some help with a dilemma. While I'm trying not to "borrow trouble" by anticipating something that may not happen, based on past experience, it will, and I need a plan.

This weekend DH's brother and wife are coming to visit. This is the brother from AZ, where DH lived with them for 5 months earlier this year. I get along well with both of them. However something happened a few months ago that I don't want to revisit.

At least twice, and maybe more than that, my SIL basically asked if she could have one of my mother's handmade quilts. It wasn't quite that crass -- it was more along the lines of "oh the quilt that G brought with him is so beautiful; I'll miss it so much when he leaves..." But subtle, she ain't. DH at one point said to me: "Why don't you give SIL one of the quilts. After all they've done so much for me the last several months."

Now remember, all this is within a few months of Mom passing away this past February.

When DH said that, I let him have it both barrels. I told him that yes, they had done a lot for HIM, while I was ALONE in Houston dealing with dying mother, dying dog and lost job. I reminded him that he also paid them RENT, bought GROCERIES, held his brother's HAND while he was agonizing over his job situation, and went back to AZ to help them MOVE. I reminded him that SIL never even met my mother. If I were to give away any quilts, there are other cadidates higher on the list, to be brutally honest.

I have no idea if any of my tirade ever made it back to DH's B/SIL. Probably not. But my feelings have not changed.

Well, now they're going to be here, and you know, there are a lot of quilts on display in my home, plus more put away.

But what do I do when the hints start again? I guess I've just acted dense in the past, but I think I need to craft a direct, honest answer to put this to rest. I just don't want to hurt SIL's feelings, but I just cannot understand her request because it just seems based on aquisitiveness.

Your advice appreciated.

[Jazzmatazz49]

Dear SIL, one of these days I might be sufficiently recovered from losing my mom that I will feel able to pass on some of her things. Right now, I can't imagine parting with anything of hers. It keeps her close to me. I'm sure you understand.

Something like that?

[Escher]

Dear SIL, one of these days I might be sufficiently recovered from losing my mom that I will feel able to pass on some of her things. Right now, I can't imagine parting with anything of hers. It keeps her close to me. I'm sure you understand.

Oooh. That's smooth.

[615bride]

Yep I agree with the pp. Something honest but also something that she might not be as likely to "argue" with or dismiss easily.

[newtricks]

I can understand her wishing that she could have one on just a purely aesthetic level, I do. But they are personal mementos/ heirlooms so it would be terribly inappropriate for her to be mad at you or hurt if you said no. Your dh is correct that he should do something for him but volunteering one of your mom's quilts ain't one of them!

If your sil is "normal" this should blow over if it even becomes an issue. :)

[FruitsAlive]

This shouldn't even BE an issue, and I'm sorry that you had to be faced with such an audacious request. (Especially from your DH) You are absolutely right in not wanting to part with the quilts, and your SIL should understand that without explanation. Maybe your DH should check out houseofquilts.com...or you could offer to make one together so she could see how much goes into creating one. (It could be fun experience if you like that sort of thing)

[Gumbeaux]

You could tell her that everyone on the Cooking Light message board sides with you and is against what she is doing. :D

[Robyn1007]

Jazz said almost word for word what was formulating in my head as I read the post! I have a hard time asking my aunt to hand over the my own granny's recipe box so that I can put together a family cookbook even though I'm the only one in the family that loves to cook like she did. :rolleyes: I can't imagine asking my SIL for something of her mother's!

[misskitty100]

Dear SIL, one of these days I might be sufficiently recovered from losing my mom that I will feel able to pass on some of her things. Right now, I can't imagine parting with anything of hers. It keeps her close to me. I'm sure you understand.

Something like that?


Start practicing this now so you will be ready if and when it comes up!! Also, DO NOT!!!!!! feel bad, guilty or whatever for not wanting to give something of your mothers away.

[stefania4]

At least twice, and maybe more than that, my SIL basically asked if she could have one of my mother's handmade quilts. It wasn't quite that crass -- it was more along the lines of "oh the quilt that G brought with him is so beautiful; I'll miss it so much when he leaves..."
You've gotten some great advice. I would also add that it would be a good idea to leave the quilts at home when you visit them, as that would only be kindling to the fire, as it were.

[armel]

It sounds like she didn't ever directly ask for the quilts. So assuming that remains true, after she comments or compliments them, you could just say. "I like them too. They mean so much to me and are a constant reminder of my mother. I take comfort in having them near me."

[wallycat]

That first quote is priceless. LOVE it.

Alternatively, you could ignore the comments and let her keep hinting.
THere's no law that say you ever have to ACT on anyones hints ---otherwise some of my X-mas gifts would have been much nicer :eek: :eek: :D :p

[doggerham]

Thank you for all your thoughtful replies. I feel better equipped to have something to say, should the subject come to a head. And knowing my SIL, she may well escalate her campaign -- we'll just have to wait and see. And you're right, I don't HAVE to respond. I just wanted to have a response other than what DH got earlier this year at the ready.

Oh, and we don't normally take any quilts with us when we have visited them in the past. I just sent DH's personal quilt with him so he wouldn't be too lonely for home while he was living there.

Amy

[Laura B]

I think it is horrendous that she would hint around about wishing she could have your belongings AT ALL, much less something as dear to you as your mother's quilts. Complimenting the quilts and raving over how lovely they are is one thing, anything more is tasteless. Do not feel remotely bad about saying no if your SIL brings up wanting a quilt. I think the first suggestion is a great one - just emphasize how special and meaningful all of your quilts are to you because of your mother. I know that I would never give away something that was my mom's, no matter what it was!

[ISAIAH30_18]

I would just say "oh, I couldn't imagine parting with any of my quilts".

[Ms. Chevious]

Well, now they're going to be here, and you know, there are a lot of quilts on display in my home, plus more put away.

Maybe you could store the quilts away while they are visiting?

[luv2cook]

Maybe you could store the quilts away while they are visiting

Sounds like a good idea. Altho, I think some are on display, right? not quite sure what that entails...

[mst]

If you *want* to do something nice, I would buy her a quilt. Then, you could present it with a big smile, and say, "I know how you love quilts. I thought you would love this one."

I would never, never give away something my grandmother made. No way, no how.

[colleency]

Maybe there's the possibility that she's admiring the quilts and doesn't realize how she's coming across?

When she says how beautiful the quilts are on her visit, maybe you could just agree with her, thank her for her kind thoughts, and tell her how much they mean to you, especially with mother passing away so soon. Be sure to tell her that each and every one is special in a different way.

If she directly asks for one, say just what jazzmatazz said. Although I couldn't imagine someone directly asking for one after you said how much they mean to you.

Good luck!

[raka1214]

I have to agree with what everyone else has already offered up in response. I just couldn't believe someone would be that crass to ask for something that would never come to them anyway.

[BarbaraL]

I agree with the other responses. I double-checked your post to make sure that "DB" was not your brother (ie, not the quilt-maker's son). These people have absolutely NO claim on your beautiful quilts; how incredibly nervy and tacky to ask (or hint) for one! My dear mother passed away last year and I miss her very much. DH and DD comment on how I've stuffed our house with 2-households full of stuff, but it's very hard for me to part with my mother's things.

Perhaps you could put the quilts away for the duration of their visit (out of sight, out of mind). Or, do you think this would just bring up the subject (what happened to all the quilts?).

Either way, stick to your guns. If the hints start, I'd say that the quilts are especially precious to you now that your mother is gone. If you have children (or plan to), you could say you plan to pass the quilts on to your children.

[Beth]

Jazzmatazz said virtually the same thing that came to my mind as I was reading your post. It is possible she is just admiring them and not meaning to imply that she wants you to give her one. Some folks are crass, but others are just a bit dim about certain things. Be prepared, and I'm sure you'll handle it well.

[GingerPow]

Doggerham, I really like your flat screen, high definition television - could I have it? :rolleyes: Unless SIL thinks you are Japanese, admiring something of yours does not mean that she is entitled to receive it. I don't understand her thinking at all. And these are quilts that YOUR mother made? They must be very precious to you now.

Yep, as many others said, this is perfect:
Dear SIL, one of these days I might be sufficiently recovered from losing my mom that I will feel able to pass on some of her things. Right now, I can't imagine parting with anything of hers. It keeps her close to me. I'm sure you understand.
Good job.

P.S. DH's brother took rent from him? Like his presence there cost them more in rent money? Groceries, sure. Rent? Yeah...I'll leave it there.

[JulieM]

Not knowing the person and taking an optomistic view, she must feel very comfortable with you and think you are very kind to say something like that to you, and it may also have been her way of expressing how lovely she thinks your Mom's quilts are. An honest response about not wanting to part with your Mom's things makes sense. And if she's someone you normally exchange gifts with, then you have the perfect solution for the holiday to find a quilt for her you think she'd like. Unless she's a complete cad, she'll understand completely. I don't care what she's done for you or your DH, you don't owe her things that mean so much to you or others in your family.

[Ms. Chevious]

So....did she ask for a quilt?

[doggerham]

Update:

No, she did not directly ask for a quilt, but there was a lot of ooohing and ahhing and a couple of "gee wish I had something like this..." I didn't really say this in my initial post, but my SIL, altho I enjoy her, is pretty pushy. For the most part, I don't worry about it, because its not directly affecting me, or its something that's more important to her to get her way than it is for me. However, when it came to my family heirlooms, that's another matter.

Although it was mentioned in a few replies, I did not remove the quilts for two reasons: 1) it would be impractical to get at some of the larger ones in the entryway and would leave me with no bedcoverings and almost nothing on the walls. 2) Secondly, it would irk me more to change my decorating than to address the issue with your good advice.

I ultimately did use the technique suggested by Jazz and others and early on, and in response to a comment said something along the lines, of "Thank you. I've always loved my mother's quilts, and they mean even more to me now." That seemed to kind of cut off any further hints at the pass.

As pointed out by some of you, I may have been misinterpreting the original situation. However, as my DH had gotten the same feeling (that she wanted a quilt), I don't think I was just being totally paranoid. At any rate, I thank everyone who responded; your comments and suggestions were most helpful in letting me plan on *dealing* with the situation rather than just *reacting*.

Amy

[JulieM]

I ultimately did use the technique suggested by Jazz and others and early on, and in response to a comment said something along the lines, of "Thank you. I've always loved my mother's quilts, and they mean even more to me now."
Amy

Excellent response! It shifted the focus to your loss and made it incredibly inappropriate for her to push further.

[BarbaraL]

Good for you!