Friends?

[hhcowgirl]

Hey, y'all. I was just thinking, one of the things I read about all the time that contributes to overall good health and happiness is having close, fulfilling relationships/spending time with friends. Sometimes I feel pulled in so many directions that I can't fit it all in--several social "functions" will crop up in one night, for example, and obviously I can't go to all of them and I'm afraid someone's feelings will be hurt, plus trying to balance school, BF, and other commitments with adequate "friend-time" is just really hard. I was wondering, first of all, how do you all do it? How do you make fitting time in with friends a priority? I also raised this issue b/c I find it really, really fascinating that it seems that we have NEVER really addressed this subject on the BB--isn't that weird? I think my excuse is that I think of my "here" friends as so unrelated to this board--if they knew how much time I spent here, they would make so much fun of me http://www.cookinglight.com/bbs/smile.gif! (Oh, well, it's their loss).

This has all been spurred on because I went out for sushi last night with an old friend who informed me that I had been acting like a "b*@ch" for not hanging out with her lately. I think she really feels neglected and I have heard similar complaints from other people. So, how do you fit it all in? Do you all agree that nurturing friendships is vital t overall well-being??

[pammy]

Absolutely, my friendships are not only dear to my heart, but necessary in maintaining my mental health. It is interesting as you get older and take on more responsiblities, home, spouse, career, commute, family, etc. that although you can't spend as much time physically with your friends, that the bond becomes deeper and more meaningful. The people in your life that are fun, party comrades usually fall away. But, the people that you share with and confide in usually stick around throughout your life, no matter how far away you move from each other. These are the people who tell you the truth about yourself, the good and the bad. So, more than likely, your sushi companion is someone who will be telling you how proud she is of the woman you have become in ten years. E-mail has become an important lifeline for frirends who are hundreds of miles away. And shared long weekends or vacations are a good way to catch up and reconnect with the friends who are long distance. Luckily for me, I have a wonderful, cozy group of friends who are nearby. We are all very busy, but make sure to talk on the phone at least once a week and get together for dinner at least once a month. We all bring our planners to dinner and don't leave before we schedule the next get together. So, don't stop your life or feel guilty for living it. Your friends will also start to take on the amount of responsibility that you have already. And they are going to want advice on how to handle it as well as you. And I agree, my friends would find great humor in the fact that I was giving such sage advice on a BB. But, like you said, their loss. This is a great place to communicate with really lovely, thoughtful people.

[Vanessa]

Hi there! Well many live busy lives and it gets difficult to juggle work, home and friends. You could email friends lets say every week take a few minutes or send a few jokes so friends feel they are in touch. Also in your calendar note b-days or special dates. Buy several greeting cards, fill them on your spare time and with a clip attach them to your calendar. As the date approaches, just mail. Your friends will appreciate you remembered their b day, promotion etc. You can also do ecards and they can be sent the day you request
Lets say you have a few hrs during the weekend, I don't know if you are married but if you are you could arrange for couples to go out for pizza, movie etc if you are single then even happy hour with some girlfriends will keep you in touch with their lives etc. Friends are like a garden you need to care for it a bit to enjoy the flowers.
A quick call, a note, an email will reconnect you with friends. Many say in they don't have time but its a matter of making time for what is important. Friends are an important part of life.

[This message has been edited by Vanessa (edited 02-08-2001).]

[MrsReber]

I have 3 very dear friends who I communicate with just about every day, thanks to these wonderful computers. Until very recently, my best friend and I could communicate via Yahoo all day while we were working (yes, very very bad and we were afraid we'd get caught!!) Due to some computer glitch on her end, Yahoo has been permanently wiped off her computer, so we are reduced to email. My one friend moved to OH almost 10 years ago and we chat on line all the time and send email. When she comes to NJ to visit her family, I always make time to see her no matter what. I've been friends with both of these ladies for just over 20 years!

My other best friend is my sister who moved to NC about 6 years ago. I miss her terribly but we email daily during the week. The weekends are so hectic for her with her 2 kids that it's difficult to have a phone conversation. She has friends where she lives now, but we both agree, it'd be great to live closer so we could spend time with each other.

It is hard to balance everything and I'm somewhat of a homebody to begin with. Most weekends, I really just want to be with my husband, no matter what we're doing- going to dinner, curling up on the couch to watch t.v. because, after all, he truly is my best friend. But I do admit, it feels good to get out with the girls every so often and catch up. I love my friends, though, because they don't place any pressure on me to do things and if one of us has to back out at the last minute, there are no hard feelings. I don't have a large group of friends, but a few very close friends who mean alot to me.

[sal]

I, too, find that my friends are very important to my sense of well-being. Juggling work, spouse/children, and daily life sometimes leaves very little time for anything extra. My dearest friend is my sister, and we have a set time to talk every Sat. at 8:00 AM - some days I need to lock myself in the bathroom and ignore the little fingers that poke under the door, the "mamas" etc. I set up time to see my other friends when we can - some times are for the whole family and other times are just "girls' night." I love my husband dearly, but learned early on that he cannot be "everything" to me; once I stopped expecting/looking to him for everything and cultivated outside interests and friendships, our rel. improved dramatically. What matters most is that the balance you come up with is what truly makes you happy. If I want to call someone, I just do it rather than think, "It's her turn to call" or "I don't want to bother her" - I just ask if this is a good time for a quick chat, and if its not, ok. Also, I try to remember that the way things are now is not the way things will always be - if I'm super busy at work or at home, things will slow down at some point.

[Leslie w]

You so often find as you go through various stages of your life that you lose track of people you once held dear. My set of close friends in high school have moved to various areas of the country and we only exchange Christmas cards. My college drinking buddies have also slipped away. The friends who I have now I met after college. We've been a close unit for 15 years, my husband is close to their husbands. We've spent almost every Sat. nite together, have witnessed marriages, divorces, births, are now dealing w/ our aging parents, spent weeks together camping and skiing, endless parties and round table discussions. I consider them family and I couldn't imagine my life without them.

I find that you do outgrow friends. And the older I get, and the busier I get w/ my children and husband, the less I want to be bothered trying to salvage relationships w/ people whom I haven't seen in years although I have tried. Different priorities in life and different interests have resulted in srained conversation and awkward silences. We had something in common once and we were there for each other. I'll never forget them, but often than not I find it's time to move on and that's o.k.

[This message has been edited by Leslie w (edited 02-08-2001).]

[hhcowgirl]

Thanks, Leslie, that was a really insightful response. I often need to hear that it is "okay" to sort of outgrow friends. I find myself feeling really drained sometimes attempting to sustain a friendship with someone with whom there is no longer really a "fit" anymore. It's especially tough to break those ties when the two of you run in the same social circles. It is especially difficult for me b/c my sister has had the same 8 best friends since the seventh grade, literally--they were all in each others' weddings, all still see each other frequently, whereas I have moved on to bigger and better things than the small town where I grew up. Thanks for making me feel like that's okay!

[emilycat]

hhcowgirl,

I'm notorious for not keeping up with old friends -- I have only one former best friend in high school I still keep in touch with, and about 8 of my sorority sisters live in this very city, none of with whom I ever speak. So I completely understand your point of view -- just make sure that you don't convey the "bigger and better things" concept in a way that might make old friends feel that you consider yourself "above" them, so to speak.

I only know that I've been guilty of this myself in the past, and my behavior has left me with much regret; there is something to be said for the Girl Scout song, "make new friends, but keep the old, one is silver and the other gold."

Emily



[This message has been edited by emilycat (edited 02-08-2001).]

[hhcowgirl]

Thanks, Emily. I am actually really close with my college friends still and do not consider myself bad at keeping up with them. It's just certain people with whom I have grown up that I have truly "outgrown" and I find myself not keeping up with them, which I think is okay. I know what you mean about being in the same place as people and not even talking to them--half my school is still here in Nashville and it's strange, more of my friends here went to Duke or UVA than here for college; all I'm saying is, don't feel like you "are supposed" to do stuff with people just because they went to school with you. I used to feel that way but realized that it was sooooo not worthwhile. I'm pretty sure you figured all this out long ago though, Emilycat! http://www.cookinglight.com/bbs/smile.gif

[emilycat]

I'm pretty sure you figured all this out long ago though, Emilycat!

Oh, right, because my college days are so far behind me.... http://www.cookinglight.com/bbs/tongue.gif

[MrsReber]

I hate outgrowing old friends, but it does happen. You realize that you just no longer have anything in common, except for the shared memories. It's sad. I have one friend in particular that I've outgrown. We used to hang out together alot in high school and then into our early 20's, but she had dropped out of high school and not gone to college, got pregnant at 20 and now has baby number three (not married or engaged or anything), doesn't work at bettering herself. And that's not to say that I am this great person, I think it's just that we have different goals, different priorities and different values now. It's not up to me to judge anyone else. We still talk on occasion and see each other at the kids' birthday parties, but we just have nothing to talk about anymore. It's sad. We used to have a lot of fun together. But I guess that's all part of growing up and part of life in general. So here's to those old, fond memories and here's to the new friends!

[Kerri]

Hey, I just got married and I can't believe how tough it is to make time for friends! I thought that once I survived the wedding, things would calm down some and I would have more free time. Somehow errands, cleaning, work, and running still completely fill my weekends. And I don't even have kids! Anyways, recently I have decided to make more of an effort because I just realized how little I see these people that I have so much fun with. The thing that has helped the most are the 3P's as I call them, prior proper planning. I don't wait until friday night to make plans because if I did that, I would always be too tired, busy, etc. Plus, I am really anal about planning and if I get home on friday at 5:30 and there is a message about meeting for happy hour at 6, it makes me grumpy. I know, I know, I'm wierd, but I can't help it. Also, one thing we have started doing is meeting for "coffee" with friends(my husband and I hate coffee so we get tea, but we still call it "coffee"). That is something that won't take up your whole night, but still give you some extra social interaction. Plus, if you are watching what you eat, you can avoid the eating dinner out, but still have a treat with tea. I haven't completely mastered this and still go for the fat ladled Chai Tea, but I think about my other options.

This is a really good topic and it is nice to know I am not the only one who grows out of friends and doesn't get to spend enough time with people I like.

[Natasha]

Originally posted by hhcowgirl:
This has all been great advice, thanks y'all. I would also love to hear how some of you carzy-busy-sounding people juggle friend/work/SO time--Natasha? Laura? Anyone else? Last night I tried to swear off the BF and go out w/ girls, but he had just come home from a business trip to Boston and looked so cute in his suit and was so in need of a good home-cooked CL meal . . . Oh, I am so bad at this. Lunch WILL be w/ the girls today!

Interesting topic, hhcowgirl! But this is probably the worst time for me to talk about juggling stuff http://www.cookinglight.com/bbs/wink.gif. It's been so hectic lately and I'm starting to feel it. And on top of it I have to buy a car in the next two weeks! http://www.cookinglight.com/bbs/eek.gif (Any suggestions? http://www.cookinglight.com/bbs/tongue.gif) That being said...

It is certainly difficult to juggle everything. I guess I do it by not going to parties or social events unless I really want to. I do make time for good friends and close family. I have about 10 good friends that I will make the time to sit down and have dinner with or at least go for a coffee, preferably one-on-one or at least in small groups. It may not be every week or even every month, but staying in touch with them is a priority. In the meantime we have quick chats or send quick E-mails. Then there are people whose company I enjoy but that I don't see all that often at all, and don't mind only seeing in larger groups. And THEN there are a lot of people whom I've gradually stopped seeing because we've grown apart or because they turned out not to be true friends. Yes, things get busy, and yes, I sometimes get told that I'm being slack, but mostly my friends understand that I'm busy. Heck, everyone's busy http://www.cookinglight.com/bbs/tongue.gif Oh, yes, and I have a few more very good friends who happen to be in different cities all over the place, so it's hard for us to get together at all http://www.cookinglight.com/bbs/frown.gif

Work and school are obviously very important to me, and I will take the time to do my best at both of them. Ditto for working out/training. That is such an entrenched part of my life. And of course I try not to sacrifice sleep...I guess a time saver for me is that I rarely, if ever, watch TV.

And as for spending time with my SO, well...I don't know what to say on that front. I am so so close to deciding that we are never going to work out together and that it's not right.

I don't know if this helps you at all. http://www.cookinglight.com/bbs/frown.gif Anyway...

[This message has been edited by Natasha (edited 02-09-2001).]

[Leslie w]

As I mentioned before every Sat. night is our time w/ our friends. We plan a get together at someone's house. All of us have young babies and toddlers so we lay sleeping bags on a bedroom floor and put the kids to bed around 9. That gives us a couple of hours to chat, eat, and drink in peace. We also plan a themed dinner party every couple of months. Last month we did dishes from Argentina and Brazil. Last
but not least once every 6 weeks or so we have a girls night out and meet at a restaurant for dinner. Our husbands use up their night out priviledges during football season.
As you can see it calls for a lot of planning but I like to think of myself as proof that your social life doesn't end once you turn 30 and have a couple of kids. I think it just gets better!

I forgot to mention the most important thing. Every Friday night my husband comes home with a bottle of wine. We put the kids to bed at 8pm, then I make a pizza and we eat by candlelight. That's our downtime and heaven forbid the person who disrupts it!




[This message has been edited by Leslie w (edited 02-09-2001).]

[Gina O]

hhcowgirl-

Thanks for such a terrific thread. I have thoroughly enjoyed reading all of the wonderfully thoughtful responses.

It is odd that this would come up as a subject now... tomorrow night I am having dinner with two friends from high school that I have not seen for at least 5 years. (Which we had to schedule 3 weeks in advance to make it fit everyones schedule).

Distance seems to be the hardest obstacle for me to overcome with friends. So often in the years since college I will become friends with someone then they will move away. I try to keep in touch, but it never seems to really happen. There are two constants though... my sister in North Carolina and a very close friend from college in Wisconsin. I consider myself lucky to be so loved by these two individuals. My friend in Wisconsin and I have a "no maintainance" friendship. I know, no matter how frequently/rarely we talk or see each other that he will always be there and be my friend. It is by far one of the most comfortable and precious relationships in my life. And, because it is so precious, I do make a point to make sure to see him as often as possible.

The way I manage to "fit it all in" is planning too. My purse has a built in daytimer which I always try to update. Also, since I spend a lot of time driving for work, I use that as my "phone a friend" time. It is great for keeping in touch. Gina

[food girl]

Hhcowgirl & Emily,
You will be surprised at how your friends further "distill" down over time.

I have a hard time maintaining friendships with my friends once they have kids. At first I am afraid to call and "wake the baby". Then is the worst stage of all, when you call your friends, or they call you, and there can be no conversation over the screaming-at/talking to the child in the background. Aaagh! It drives me nuts when they yell into the phone at the child. (hear that MrsReber??)

I have great friends at work, in my bike club and in my sunday school class. Since I see them on a somewhat regular basis, I don't have to worry about arranging time with them. The people I total neglect are my family. My grandfather is in a nursing home, I haven't been in months! I haven't seen my sister in at least 4 weeks. I have a HUGE guilt trip about this!!

I need to go call my mom......
Lisa

[Mrs. Hilli]

Hello the everyone. This is my first time here so please help me out if there are any mistakes.
Found out the hard way that this is a very important subject. Although I take my friendships very seriously I cannot stress how important communication is between two people. Even though you might know each other a long time that other person cannot read your mind. You have to have a voice. It will only make the friendship stronger. I don't know how important friendships are to others, I only know I can't live w/out them. Please if I can offer any advis from mistakes I have learned from keep in touch, be a good listener, these people know us best. Sometimes I take my friendship more seriously than my marriage because they will last thru think and thin. Women have a differnt view on this than men and I think I suits us very well. We change as we grow older but our friends who knew us when and stick w/ us will be there until the end. It's a great thing to have.

[jd]

This is such a great thread that I want to respond but I'm not sure what else to add. I too have outgrown friends, then felt guilty and slowly learned that it is part of the process of living and growing. I also have friends that I can connect with at any time, after any amount of time - those are great relationships. My latest thoughts and curiosities are about workplace friendships. I spend too much time at work and have developed some very good friends - but I wonder if they will fall by the wayside once some of us no longer work there. I've been giving a lot of thought to friends because it is 'convenient' - like work, and 'real' friends that go beyond a common work place. I do think some of those at work are beyond the workplace and should we separate, I will want to make the effort to stay in touch. Rambling ....

I was really pleased to read sal's insight into her husband not being everything. I've just returned from a vacation where I felt that I would have rather been with some girl friends. I was feeling a little guilty (yes, I have a problem with guilt), but now think it was a diffent type of companionship I needed at the time. Rambling again...

Thanks for listening and for all your comments.

[hhcowgirl]

This has all been great advice, thanks y'all. I would also love to hear how some of you carzy-busy-sounding people juggle friend/work/SO time--Natasha? Laura? Anyone else? Last night I tried to swear off the BF and go out w/ girls, but he had just come home from a business trip to Boston and looked so cute in his suit and was so in need of a good home-cooked CL meal . . . Oh, I am so bad at this. Lunch WILL be w/ the girls today!

[Leslie w]

jd, as far as work friends are concerned, I have several close friends from work who I really love to be with. Now that I'm a stay at home mom I don't see them too much but we try to keep in touch. I'll visit work or make a dinner date w/ them. I don't however group them w/ my other friends. I like to keep that separate. As far as losing track of them should you leave work? That's up to you. Sometimes it takes a lot of effort and creative planning to maintain a friendship, and usually the person who left is the one who has to do the juggling. After all, in my situation I was the one who left, my lifestyle changed, their's did not.

Husbands are a different breed all together! I have a great relationship w/ my husband but there are many things I could never tell him that I can tell my best friend. I haven't exactly lived a chaste life and "if my husband only knew" has been a frequent conversation starter in heart to hearts w/ my girlfriends. My husband considers me his best friend and like many men, he doesn't have the close ties w/ his friends as I do. My friends are his friends but if he never saw them again it wouldn't bother him. Let's face it Men are from Mars, women from Venus!