Am I being too sensitive?

[Luv to Cook]

We have invited another couple over for dinner tomorrow night. They are pretty good friends of ours. She always says that I am one of her closest friends. Anyhow, we had said that we would do dinner without the kids (which would mean that they would have to get a babysitter....something that we did about 2 weeks ago when we had dinner at their house). Anyhow, she called this evening to ask whether to bring the kids and I said, it would be nice if we could do it without the kids. She said she will call the sitter but her DH would be upset since they already went out once this week and have plans to have a sitter again on Saturday night to have dinner with another couple. So anyways, I feel a little slighted that they can pay for a sitter for the other couple, but don't feel like spending the money to hang out with us. She also mentioned that if they came over around 7:30ish, her DH would be irritated because dinner would be so late. I just said, that if tomorrow does not work, let me know.

Anyhow, I had somewhat of a grown-up meal planned and don't feel like switching everything around...and I am feeling a little hurt...do I have reason to be?

Edited to add...and if I am not being too sensitive, how do I handle this without making everything awkward?

[Andrea_2]

You're not being too sensitive at all. It sounds like your friend needs to tell her DH to grow up. (Or.. Do you think she is the one with the concerns, and she is trying to pass the blame off on her DH?) Either way, they are not being fair to you at all.

[Curiosity Hears]

It seems you already handled it perfectly ... "that if tomorrow does not work, let me know."

What more needs to be said???

[Luv to Cook]

She also mentioned putting her kids to bed at my house...ugh...what do I say to that???

And if she says no to tomorrow, I will be irritated, because I spent this afternoon lugging my kids around to get food for tomorrow night.

[misskitty100]

I would probably feel slighted too given the situation.

But.....have they done this before? Meaning, expect you to get a babysitter when you go over to their house but then bring their kids to your house? If this is the first time this has happened, I would probably just figure your girlfriend doesn't have much tact and SHE should have handled things differently (called earlier than the night before to find out if kids are welcome and known better than to complain about the time you set for dinner etc). Again, if this is the first time she has pulled something like this, I would feel hurt but would give her (them) the benefit of the doubt and carry on like nothing was bothering me.

As for handling it, what do you want to do? Is it more important to have A) them and maybe kids over for dinner or B) to have an adults only dinner with the current menu you have already planned?

[lindrusso]

Did they maybe have plans in place before you invited them over? Or did you have these plans for a while now?

I know I feel bad if I leave the kids too many times in one week. She may have accepted your invitation because she didn't want to say no, but then later felt guilty for getting a sitter 3 times in one week.

You also mentioned that she just called to find out about bringing the kids - had you made it clear from the beginning that you wanted an adults-only meal? It can be hard and a hassle to try find a sitter at the last minute, so if she wasn't planning on it, she just might not want to get one. I know that if I'm invited to an adults-only get together, I like plenty of notice.

In any case, I wouldn't feel too slighted unless it's a pattern. If it's just this one time, I'd let it go. Maybe for this one time, you can be flexible and instead of totally changing your dinner plans, just try to add something to your menu that can accomodate kids - even ordering out a pizza.

Or, if that's not going to work, cancel for tomorrow night and try to reschedule.

I know it's frustrating when things don't work out the way you planned, but I would try to be flexible rather than making an issue of it - unless it's a pattern or an issue that has come up before.

[misskitty100]

And if she says no to tomorrow, I will be irritated, because I spent this afternoon lugging my kids around to get food for tomorrow night.

Maybe you could invite another couple over for dinner if your friend can't make it.

[Curiosity Hears]

uuuggghhhh ... is this a supper club or a multi couple thing????

dag, that is a bit different!

Yikes! another daggg ....

:confused:

[mrswaz]

I think you handled it very graciously already. :)

I always like to think the best of people, so maybe it isn't an issue of paying for the sitter, but more of an issue of another night away from the kids.

Regardless, they could handle it a little better on their end. It sounds like you've been planning this for a few weeks. If it was going to be a problem, I would think they would call and try to reschedule much sooner than a day or two before the planned evening.

[Luv to Cook]

We had these plans for about two weeks and it was without kids. She does tend to overschedule herself and hates to miss any social engagement. For example, we had supper club scheduled for this past Wednesday and she wanted everyone to change because her DH just signed up for tennis on Wednesday nights. At the last minute his game got cancelled and so she showed up to supper club. I really don't think its about her kids...its soley about the money. She uses our sitter who only sits for us, so I know it was no problem to get her. And I guess that is the part that bothers me. Some friends are worth spending the extra money on and some friends you put them out and make them set up extra pak n plays and inflatable beds.

I guess I will just see what happens and just try and let it go. I think I am more irritated with her DH for being such a bratty guest.

Edited to add...actually I KNOW it is about the money, because she said it. She said that DH was upset that they would spend $120 on sitters this week and how they are watching money (which of course, I TOTALLY understand, but then don't make so many plans or don't expect me to just take your kids in so that you don't have to spend money). And I guess the reason it bothers me so much is because one other night is with another couple.

[lindrusso]

Whoops - missed the part where you said it had been planned without kids.

However, if you had planned this for 2 weeks and it was clear that you were planning no kids, I'd be irritated.

If it's a pattern of constantly changing plans to accomodate them, I'd be tempted to cancel (or rescheduling if you want to).

I've had friends that do things like you're describing that annoy me and at some point you have to decide if you accomodate because they are worth it or if you just stop accomodating because they are not. :)

Good luck whatever you decide!

[Becky13347]

It sounds like her biggest problem is learning to say no. If she's that much over scheduling her life then the skill she needs is to say no.

I have a friend who does the same thing and it's very frustrating. I try to deal with it as much as possible (on my own--without making comments) but she spends so much time trying to "do everything and see everyone" that she, her kids and DH are exhausted running around (they live far away and family and friends are all here). All she does is complain about how she can't enjoy herself or see anyone for more than an hour or 2. She and I are close enough that I have been able to say to her, "You need to say no to doing everything". Her response has always been, "I know but I don't want anyone to be unhappy"

Which really surprises me because she needs to look at her own family of 4---it's making them unhappy.

So, unfortunately, we've taking the route of not trying to make plans with them. That way we don't have to spend our 2 hours with them listening to complaining, and we are one less house they have to try to fit into their schedule. If they approach us about plans when they are in town, we always get together, but we don't approach them anymore. When we do see them, we are very specific about EXACTLY what times we will be with them, exactly what we are doing, with kids or without, etc. I mean really being obviously clear. You may have to do this. Too many times we made plans, arranged for a sitter to stay late, was led to believe they had done the same thing....only for them to say, at 8pm, "oh we can't stay, we only have the sitter til 8:30"

BTW-- she was like this when we all lived close together so the problem has nothing to do with the distance they are travelling. It is a problem saying no. You may just have to deal with it on your end by changing how you make plans with them.

Sorry for babbling on. This is way too long now that I look back on.....more like a stream of consiousness.

[stefania4]

I think you've handled it beautifully. I'm amazed at how many people think it isn't rude to ask to bring kids to adults-only events.

[newtricks]

Yes, I would be a little put out. And I think you handled it well if you are setting the boundary of "when it starts out as no kids - it's no kids or no dinner" which is appropriate. I love to have friends over with kids - a nice casual night. But I love more to have my friends over for a nice dinner without worrying about the kids! And if I've invited you for the second please don't put me in the position of reiterating that it's NO kids. You already know that.

What I can't tell is this. Are you such close friends that she feels comfortable enouch to call you and say in effect "ugh, I've overscheduled. My dh is being a pain. Can we change plans for this? I really can't ask the other couple because I don't know them well enough" (which you could *almost* take as a compliment). Or does she do this to everyone? Or does she think you'll just go along with her request wether you want kids or not? (those would bug me).

The natural consequences of her actions are that she and her dh will miss out on a nice dinner with you. She'll get it. :)

[Kathy B]

What I can't tell is this. Are you such close friends that she feels comfortable enouch to call you and say in effect "ugh, I've overscheduled. My dh is being a pain. Can we change plans for this? I really can't ask the other couple because I don't know them well enough" (which you could *almost* take as a compliment).

That was my thought, too. Maybe she is just trying to make her DH happy, and felt more comfortable asking you to alter plans than she would the other couple since you are fairly close friends. Maybe she could have worded things better, but everyone occasionally says things they might have said a little differently in retrospect.

[Beth]

Just another possibility -- the other dinner might be a work-related thing where they are going out and have to get a sitter. No possibility of asking the boss or a client to deal with the kids, but you can ask a friend if you can make an adjustment. Or someone who is in from out of town -- other kinds of situations that are less flexible.

[memartha]

Luv to Cook,

I haven't read all of the responses here, but I have to say, DH and I have a firm rule: when we issue a clear invitiation (for example, "We'd like to have you over for an adults-only dinner on Oct. 24 at 7 pm"), we accept only two responses...

1. "Thank you. We'll be there."

2. "Oh, I'm sorry, we can't make it."

We are SHOCKED and offended by how many times our friends/family try to manipulate an invitation to better suit them. We've been in your situation and we decided to stand firm. If they try to manipulate, we say, "I'm sorry you can't make it. Maybe next time."

[JackieO]

Bump...

Did you make the Mahogany Beef Stew?

[Luv to Cook]

Thanks for all the comments and advice. They ended up coming and got a babysitter, and the evening went quite well. I did make the Mahogany Beef Stew and it was wonderful.

I appreciate all of the alternative thoughts...I am really trying to not make a big deal about all of this. It has happened before and I know the Saturday night thing is not work-related or anything like that because they are mutual friends. Anyhow, if it happens again, I will be sure to stand my ground and not get pushed over. Her DH was on his best behavior, but I did make sure to serve dinner early so he wouldn't complain about it being too late.

All in all, a lovely evening and I am glad that we, nor they, decided to cancel.

[LakeMartinGal]

I'm so glad it all went well! :)

[JackieO]

All in all, a lovely evening and I am glad that we, nor they, decided to cancel.
I'm glad you had a good time...I'm making the Mahogany Beef Stew for dinner tonight.