Restaurants - is this rude?

[stefania4]

I was looking through an issue of Southern Living and in an article on restaurants they say it's rude to say "I'll have the chicken." Instead, the customer should say "May I have the chicken?"

Is it generally considered rude to simply state what you want for dinner? I think "Get me the chicken" is rude, but I don't think I've heard anyone say anything other than "I'd like the chocolate cake" or "I'll have the bleu cheese burger."

[funnybone]

I can see if the meal was free and the restaurant was picking up the tab, it would be more polite to say "May I", but as long as I am paying, I will continue to say "I will". :p What's next?! :confused:

ETA - I'm going to lunch today with a couple of people, I won't say anything to them, but will pay attention to how they order. ;)

[lindrusso]

I suppose it's more proper to say "May I have", but I think it's getting nit-picky to say that "I'll have" is rude.

I know that "May I" is really more of a nicety than anything else, but if I said "May I" to a waiter or waitress, I'd feel like I was asking their permission. I don't need their permission - I'm telling them what I want for dinner.

I think "I'd like to order", accompanied by pleases and thank yous is polite enough.

And if the waiter or waitress is coming over and saying "What can I get you guys?", I seriously doubt they'll notice that we didn't say "May I have". ;)

[little_bopeep]

And if the waiter or waitress is coming over and saying "What can I get you guys?", I seriously doubt they'll notice that we didn't say "May I have". ;)

That reminds me...any other female here get annoyed when the waitperson insists on calling you one of the "guys?" Makes me nuts. :(

[Andrea_2]

This reminds me of my MIL from England. She always criticizes me for how I order food in restaurants. "May I have the chicken..." wouldn't even be good enough for her. There would have to be at least a couple "pleases" thrown in there too to make her happy. I don't think there is anything rude at all about how I order, and I don't plan to change it, especially for my MIL.

[lindrusso]

That reminds me...any other female here get annoyed when the waitperson insists on calling you one of the "guys?" Makes me nuts. :(

It actually doesn't bother me much, but I used it as an example because I know it really irritates a lot of people - men AND women.

[leebee]

When a waitperson is standing in front of me, there is a spoken or implied question to the effect of, "What can I get for you?" "I'll have the poached salmon" is an answer to that question. Why would I ask if I can have it? My order is declarative. For the record, I usually say, "I'd like the Hoisin skewers, thank you." It is not rude, IMHO, to state your order. It's actually confusing to ask permission. Unless I'm asking for an accommodation. As in, "May I have the pasta special with chicken instead of fish?" But a straight order is a statement, can be extra nice & polite w/ a thank you thrown in. But a simple statement to order is not rude in context.

[blazedog]

I would imagine that except in the cloistered enclaves of the virginal ladies of the Southern Living society, most wait people could give two hoots -- now poor tippers -- that's a different story of course. :D

[Missi]

That reminds me...any other female here get annoyed when the waitperson insists on calling you one of the "guys?" Makes me nuts. :(


Off topic, but what bothers me more is when my husband (or any other male I might be with) gets handed the check. I like it better when it is placed in the middle of the table. (my feminist side coming out :p )

I agree that wait staff probably don't care about how you order as long as the tip is a good one! :D

[stefania4]

most wait people could give two hoots -- now poor tippers -- that's a different story of course. :D
That's what I was thinking! When I think of ruden restaurant behavior I think of people who are loud/drunk, people who don't control their kids, sending back perfectly good food, and even people who rewrite the menu (Can I replace the bun with foccacia? And replace the salad with green beans? And I can get those beans with almonds and without butter?). It would never have occurred to me that not asking permission to have a particular dish on the menu would be impolite.

C'est la vie.

[GingerPow]

I usually say, "I'd like the Flaming Pu-Pu platter, please." When I'm finished ordering, I hand them the menu as I say thank-you. As in: "thank you for getting me my food so I can relax and sip my French 75 martini. :p "

Yes it's their job, but manners are nice in a civilized society. (Are we still in one?) My DD has earned her money doing this since high school, and I hope she is treated kindly. (She has more nice stories than horror stories).

Now what drives me freakin' nuts is when my MIL goes out to dinner with us, then upon delivery of her meal tells the little server who is just doing this job to earn money for college, "OH! This is too much!!"

Every server I have ever seen her say this to just looks at her and blinks. They are at a loss for what to say to her. Yes I know, she is older and has a smaller appetite, but the food server didn't dish up the chow, they did that in the kitchen. I've suggested ordering a salad and appetizer, but no - she insists on ordering the spaghetti and meatballs.

[mbrogier]

Good gracious. SL has fallen completely off their rocker and slid off the front porch. :rolleyes:

I have never heard that in all my years in the South.

I am very polite when I order. I say something to the effect of: "I'd like the whatever, thank you". or, if everyone's just adding to one long sentence, I just add my part and a please.

Now in French, there's a way to ask for something politely. It sounds less demanding. I "would like" instead of "Give me"... but then the French have a word or phrase for every situation for every situation.

I think the magazine is really stretching for new material.

[trish_ks]

That reminds me...any other female here get annoyed when the waitperson insists on calling you one of the "guys?" Makes me nuts. :(
That's not so bad to me, what really gets me is being called honey. "What can I get you honey?" "Do you need some more tea honey?" It's annoying enough when it's only directed at me b/c I'm a young female, but when there's no discrimination there and someone is calling my 64 year old father "honey" it's just uncalled for. You should see how livid my otherwise sweet mom gets :)

And for the record...if you're paying for the meal and you're not being a jerk to the wait staff, and you plan on leaving a decent tip...say whatever you want. Is it rude when you can't pronounce something on the menu so you just point? Cause I do that an awful lot!

[Arete]

Actually, the one time I heard it phrased that way I was really surprised. I was out with a woman I know and her two daughters, age 17 and 19. They both ordered by saying "May I please have ..." For the record, this is a woman that if you looked at her, you might think she was homeless by the way she dresses. But her daughters had the absolute BEST manners.

[saserre]

Off topic, but what bothers me more is when my husband (or any other male I might be with) gets handed the check. I like it better when it is placed in the middle of the table.

I agree Missi, my fiance' and I take turns paying for meals out, so they shouldn't hand it to him assuming he is going to pay. Sometimes if I'm at a more casual place like Applebees and they do that, I just reach over him and grab the bill right in front of the server to make my point.

Of course, I'm sure Southern Living would have something to say about that too.

[misskitty100]

I read the article in SL too! It was really interesting. But....in defense to SL, the article wasn't a bunch of rules that they came up with. The article was written by their food editor who claimed to eat out 200 times last year (thats a lot!). The article was completely based on his interviewing waiters and waitress and what they consider to be great customers and what they consider to be not so great customers.

[DeeK]

I suppose it's more proper to say "May I have", but I think it's getting nit-picky to say that "I'll have" is rude.

I know that "May I" is really more of a nicety than anything else, but if I said "May I" to a waiter or waitress, I'd feel like I was asking their permission. I don't need their permission - I'm telling them what I want for dinner.

I think "I'd like to order", accompanied by pleases and thank yous is polite enough.

And if the waiter or waitress is coming over and saying "What can I get you guys?", I seriously doubt they'll notice that we didn't say "May I have". ;)

I agree. I think it's more a matter of your tone of voice and mannerisms rather than the exact words used that convey politeness or rudeness.

[Canice]

I read the article in SL too! It was really interesting. But....in defense to SL, the article wasn't a bunch of rules that they came up with. The article was written by their food editor who claimed to eat out 200 times last year (thats a lot!). The article was completely based on his interviewing waiters and waitress and what they consider to be great customers and what they consider to be not so great customers.

OK, now I've got to read the article. With all the bad customer stories, that many servers mentioned "I'll have the flaming pu-pu platter, please" as a quality that makes a "not so great" customer? I'd say that tone and manner are the name of the game.

[funniegrrl]

I would imagine that except in the cloistered enclaves of the virginal ladies of the Southern Living society ...

Do you go out of your way to find ways to rip up people, or is it just unconscious?

I happen to agree that the "May I have" is overkill and possibly confusing, but it would never occur to me to resort to ignorant stereotypes to express that opinion. That's on top of the sad fact that you seem to think that excessive politeness is related to a lack of sexual experience and worldliness. Of course, this disdain just demonstrates that courtesy and consideration are probably pretty far down on your list of priorities.

Let me assure you that, while politeness is indeed something well-bred Southerners do take seriously, the people who practice it best are probably more sophisticated than you are. That's beside the point though, because it doesn't take money or sophistication to be polite, just as it is not the exclusive provence of Southern Baptist nuns.

So, I just betrayed my Southern heritage by NOT being polite, but your sniping just makes me weary to the bone.

[blazedog]

Do you go out of your way to find ways to rip up people, or is it just unconscious?

I happen to agree that the "May I have" is overkill and possibly confusing, but it would never occur to me to resort to ignorant stereotypes to express that opinion. That's on top of the sad fact that you seem to think that excessive politeness is related to a lack of sexual experience and worldliness. Of course, this disdain just demonstrates that courtesy and consideration are probably pretty far down on your list of priorities.

Let me assure you that, while politeness is indeed something well-bred Southerners do take seriously, the people who practice it best are probably more sophisticated than you are. That's beside the point though, because it doesn't take money or sophistication to be polite, just as it is not the exclusive provence of Southern Baptist nuns.

So, I just betrayed my Southern heritage by NOT being polite, but your sniping just makes me weary to the bone.

Are you serious?

Of course I went out of my way to make a point through the use of hyperbole -- it's part of the FUN of reading and writing and speaking the English language.

Do you honestly think that was meant to insult Southern virgins or do you just have issues with me in general? If I wanted to insult someone, believe me, it wouldn't be with veiled bon mots. :p

For the record, good manners in the real sense are not limited to one geographical area nor is meaningless over fastidiousness limited to one group of people -- except those who don't have more important things to think about -- or evidently write about. :D

There are other more significant ways in which one treats wait people well and politely -- as well as other people who perform services for one.

And the utter irony and malice of YOUR choosing to insult me personally for my posting a humourously expressed response is beyond rudeness in terms of my personal behavior towards other people.

And for the record, are there really Southern Baptist nuns -- and are they working for Southern Living? :D

[GingerPow]

I'd say that tone and manner are the name of the game.
True. Imagine the difference between telling the waitstaff "Bring me the..." then handing them the menu and being dismissive, or looking them in the eye and speaking to them with a pleasant manner.

I love going out to dinner, but I am very aware that while this is my night out it is the waitstaff's job. I try to make it pleasant for both of us, and the minimum I can do is before even looking at the menu, is to smile, ask them how they are doing and treat them as a person, not a service robot. We leave a nice tip too. ;)

I worked too many years with the public to not remember how much a smile and a friendly manner can make up for some of the tougher customers. I felt like kissing some of them - "Thank you for being nice!" :o

My college student DD works in a busy city restaurant, loves the job but tells me how tough it can be, not because of serving platters of food, but because of some customer's behavior. Many a time a server has gone into the corner of the kitchen to shed a few tears. Life is tough enough, we all have a job to do, so I say let's be nice to each other.

[MrsReber]

I'll always remember the foreign exchange students in my French class. They said the proper way to order in French was "je voudrais" (I would like....) and that a waiter or waitress would be offended if a patron didn't begin that way.

That being said, I am guilty of saying "I'll have...." and I've also probably used "Could I have...." if I'm asking for something special (usually omitting mushrooms or shrimp from a dish :D )

[little_bopeep]

Now in French, there's a way to ask for something politely. It sounds less demanding. I "would like" instead of "Give me"... but then the French have a word or phrase for every situation for every situation.

Steve Martin once said, "Those French...they have a different word for everything!!" :D :D

[clairea]

I saw that article, and as someone mentioned my impression was that it was suggestions from waitstaff. I don't really remember, though.

I don't think I usually say "May I have", although I think I sometimes do. I do make a conscious effort not to just say "I'll have the ____ ", because IMO that can sound a bit unpleasant. It doesn't really take any more effort on my part to say "I'd like the pasta, please," but I think there is a big difference in how it comes across. I also insist that my children always look the server in the eye when they are ordering, follow their order with a please, and say thank you whenever their food or drink is served. It makes me sad to see that servers are often surprised by this.

[tbb113]

I think tone and a smile goes a long way. I do say please but I doubt I say may.

Years ago, I complimented my friend's receptionist since she always recognized my voice (I only called once a month or so). Her response was 'you are her only polite friend'. I was amazed that so few people showed common courtsey over the phone. She told me that most people just said the name of the person that they wanted to speak with, or 'get me x' or 'give me x'. I on the other hand, would say 'hi, may i speak with x, please.

Same thing in stores...how many of us return the salesperson's 'hello' when you walk into the store?

[trish_ks]

I think tone and a smile goes a long way. I do say please but I doubt I say may.

Years ago, I complimented my friend's receptionist since she always recognized my voice (I only called once a month or so). Her response was 'you are her only polite friend'. I was amazed that so few people showed common courtsey over the phone. She told me that most people just said the name of the person that they wanted to speak with, or 'get me x' or 'give me x'. I on the other hand, would say 'hi, may i speak with x, please.

Same thing in stores...how many of us return the salesperson's 'hello' when you walk into the store?
I completely agree with you on the phone etiquette, drives me crazy when my coworker says "Can I have John Smith?" Can you have him? What are you going to do with him, put him in your pocket?

[barbara-cook]

May I please put my two cents in? While I'm sure we're talking about sit-down type places, I also always try to be very polite to the fast food servers as well. But then I get run over by their "for here to go?" question. I guess they have to know up front, but perhaps they could preface it with "Hi! How are you? Is this for here or to go?" and say it before I start to tell them what I'd like?

Quite often during the summer I take my son to Burger King (drive thru) for a quick meal before baseball or basketball. And those kids run over my order every time. Then he gets mad at me for getting worked up about it! Sigh.

Also - a lot of store sales clerks get told by me "thank you! Have a nice day!" after a transaction and I really think that should be their line! But I just can't help it! I know some of them may not like their jobs and I'm just trying to be a bright spot in their day.

[GingerPow]

Years ago, I complimented my friend's receptionist since she always recognized my voice (I only called once a month or so). Her response was 'you are her only polite friend'...
Same thing in stores...how many of us return the salesperson's 'hello' when you walk into the store?
I'll bet those same people (who were not polite) fall over themselves when they meet someone who they consider to be as good or better than themselves. Shallow personalities make themselves feel bigger by pulling a power trip with people they deem beneath them. It's a conscious choice they're making. It shouts to the world who they really are with their own insecurities, and it isn't pretty.

I used to (note past tense) have a very good friend who would turned into Godzilla with people in service positions, the food server in the restaurant, the cashier in the store, you name it. So, I would over-compensate by being extra nice to them, to the point of annoying myself! I told her that every job & working person deserves respect. When she was with a fellow doctor, or business owner, she was a sweet as sugar. I had enough of that after awhile, as well as other issues, so I told her to have a nice life.

"Can I have John Smith?" Can you have him? What are you going to do with him, put him in your pocket? That's funny!

[Robyn1007]

The phone thing gets me too. I work in a position where I take all incoming support calls initially. There is one regular caller that always asks immediately for one of two engineers. I always ask who they are and what organization they are with. They tell me, I say "Hi, Lori, how are you today?" "Great, let me get one of them for you." One would think after this has happened more than 5 times she might figure out that she is going to have to tell me who she is before I transfer her.

[Jazzmatazz49]

It's rude to say "May I have that hot waiter over there in the corner." :eek:

[Jazzmatazz49]

I would imagine that except in the cloistered enclaves of the virginal ladies of the Southern Living society, most wait people could give two hoots -- now poor tippers -- that's a different story of course. :D
You have a great point there. My son worked his way through college as a waiter/bartender. He now tips about 30 % "just to make up for the people who leave $1 no matter what."

[hollysmom]

How to ask for your food as an adult is not an issue for me, though I tend to say "I'd like...", however, I am just insane about insisting that my girls say "may I have... or I'd like..." instead of "I want...". Drives me nuts to hear kids say "I want..." to their parents.

I have told Holly that if she listens to other kids, she will find that she is usually the most polite. Now if she would just clean up her room!

SSM

[donleyk]

I thought about this thread yesterday when we stopped at a roadside diner and the server asked the table behind us ...'whata ya'll havin'?' :D I didn't guess there would be too many May I's... and wasn't disappointed. :D

We had some excellent veggie beef soup BTW.