My parents

[Morutea]

Hello all, It is my first post :) I want your thoughts on this: Do you feel that because your parents may have supported you when you were younger, that you "owe" it to them to support them now? (Pay the bills they run up etc, just because they did it for you when you were younger and unable to work) Thanks.

[Kathy B]

I think your parents support you when you are young because it is the responsibility of parents to do that. They accept the responsibility when they have children.

I think an individual should be sure their parent has what they NEED as an adult, but I don't think you are obligated to cover any "bills that they run up". A place to sleep, basic food and clothes, and medicine are what you NEED.

ETA: Welcome to the BB! :)

[Gilgamesh37]

FWIW, this same question was posted on 2 other BBs I frequent by this same person

[Gumbeaux]

Well, if my parents were spammers, I would do everything I could to make them miserable and diminish their quality of life.

[tbb113]

FWIW, this same question was posted on 2 other BBs I frequent by this same person


So what?? Maybe they want a diverse opinion

No, I don't think you are obligated to support your parents. Obviously you shouldn't let them end up on the street but its not your responsibility to get them out of debt

[ctd1103]

This is kind of a loaded question, but in a nutshell- if my parents where ever in a financial bind and I were able to help them, yes I would in a heartbeat (as they have for me) - it doesn't really come down to "obligation" for me - it would be returning the care they so selflessly have given to me - I do think we have a responsibility to take care of one another as it's needed in the best way we can......

[CompassRose]

On the other hand, the argument (frequently presented to me) that I should "have children so I'll have someone around to take care of me in my old age" ranks right up there, in my opinion, in the Top Ten Reasons to Get Sterilised instead of Inflicting Yourself on Putative Offspring.

It's nice when it happens, and should happen if you've done your job right, but to demand it? No.

[Escher]

Well, if my parents were spammers, I would do everything I could to make them miserable and diminish their quality of life.

There's something to that way of thought....

[tbb113]

On the other hand, the argument (frequently presented to me) that I should "have children so I'll have someone around to take care of me in my old age" ranks right up there, in my opinion, in the Top Ten Reasons to Get Sterilised instead of Inflicting Yourself on Putative Offspring.



I was joking with my older son (17) that I need to be nice to him so he can take care of me when I'm old. His response "that's why you had my brother" :p :D

[Escher]

In other cultures it's expected that the children will tend to their parents in their waning years.

However, I don't believe that is the culture here, nor do I find that culture particularly responsible.

I alone am responsible for my own retirement.

[LakeMartinGal]

In other cultures it's expected that the children will tend to their parents in their waning years.

However, I don't believe that is the culture here, nor do I find that culture particularly responsible.

I alone am responsible for my own retirement.Agreed! However, repayment of loans made to you (the child) would be nice... :rolleyes:

[Escher]

Agreed! However, repayment of loans made to you (the child) would be nice... :rolleyes:

I sense a story there... perhaps some hard-learned experience?

[ChristieinMB]

I believe we should make sure our parents have the basics, except for parents that believe they are owed anything... they get nothing. :eek: :eek:

[Vanessa]

I think a lot has to do with culture. Like it was mentioned in some cultures older members of the fa will move in with kids etc. Also years ago families lived near and you would see grandparents helping out etc then children helping parents.
I don't think its a matter of obligation. I think its a matter of love. If my in laws or parents were in need and I could help I would.
My parents and in laws live in diff states but they know if they need us (DH & I) to call. I let my parents (live near) know if they need my help or just a bit of help with yard work etc to call and let me know.

[GingerPow]

Well, if my parents were spammers, I would do everything I could to make them miserable and diminish their quality of life.
Hot chocolate spewed on my monitor. Thanks alot Gumbeaux.

[Gumbeaux]

Dear Morutea,

Had your parents used birth control, the world would have one less spammer asking such stupid questions.

Such irresponsible parents are not worthy of a dime!

[Peweh]

Dear Morutea,

Had your parents used birth control, the world would have one less spammer asking such stupid questions.

Such irresponsible parents are not worthy of a dime!

Yeah, I think it's kinda weird Morutea is not responding to any of the advice!! Lame.

[pschambers]

I also think this is spam.

[Kathy B]

Spam....not spam.....it's still interesting to see the opinions on the question. I don't think it's a stupid question, and obviously there are some different ideas on the topic. This wouldn't be the first time the conversation carried on without input from the OP.

[ClaraB]

Her grasp of the English language is much better than that of most spammers though...

[blazedog]

I can't imagine not providing any kind of assistance to a parent who needed it -- but of course my experience is with "normal" parents -- the relationship is not dysfunctional - -they weren't alcoholics/abusers/gamblers or irresponsible or dysfunctional -- they provided me with everything possible within their financial situation -- including time and love of course.

I would sense that a person even asking the question is coming from a completely different space -- including the question of "running up bills" -- I can't imagine my parents "running up bills" in the first place -- but if they did, I would have to ask why -- was it for a medical emergency or job loss or were they just profligate?

I don't really agree that there are cultural differences in terms of shared responsibility and love -- perhaps ways of expressing it as most of my peers do not have their parents living with them -- although extended families are the norm in other cultures. However, many of my friends are providing financial subsidies and/or lots of physical support to their parents.

It's a little sad to me that someone has to ask the question -- I realize it's a complicated issue -- but within the parameters of one having the ability to do so, yes I think one "owes" it to one's parents -- although again, I don't think of it as a contractual obligation any more than my parents thought that providing me with support (financial and otherwise) was owed simply because of the law -- I mean are there really people who are providing for their children because the law requires it -- and looking forward to their children reaching the age of 18 so that there is no longer any legal obligation?

Again, my thoughts extend only to what I would call a "normal" parent with whom one had a "normal" childhood.

[Wendy w]

On the other hand, the argument (frequently presented to me) that I should "have children so I'll have someone around to take care of me in my old age" ranks right up there, in my opinion, in the Top Ten Reasons to Get Sterilised instead of Inflicting Yourself on Putative Offspring.

It's nice when it happens, and should happen if you've done your job right, but to demand it? No. Exactly!!!

I've had this argument presented to me as well and now I'm "too old". oh well.

As some of you know, my mom is 87, has dementia and paralysis from a stroke. My sister and I manage her affairs but we are operating with her money. Mom was a county employee and receives a pension and can collect on my late father's social security, and she has a home.

She ended up being better off in later years than my dad was as they divorced back in the day where the wife got the house. This may seem callous, but to be blunt, she wasn't always kind to us (critical and judgmental) and people who know that think that we are good daughters as she is in one of the best board and care facilities in the area. But again, it is with her money.


So this may be spam but as Kathy B said, its interesting to see everyone's opinions.

[tbb113]

I mean are there really people who are providing for their children because the law requires it -- and looking forward to their children reaching the age of 18 so that there is no longer any legal obligation?



Unfortunately, yes there are many parents who can't wait until their children are 18 and they don't have to support them any longer.

[boisewinesnob]

Unfortunately, yes there are many parents who can't wait until their children are 18 and they don't have to support them any longer.

yep. I had a class with a girl who told her 15-year-old son that as soon as he was 18 he was moving out so he'd better "figure it out." Nice, huh :(

[tbb113]

I know one mom that moved away when older son turned 18...couldn't "afford to live here with out the child support." (must have been a LOT more than I get). Both kids now live with dad, mom is in AZ (they are almost 17 and 19 now).

[gertdog]

I have a relative who planned a vacation to celebrate his last child support payment (and who wrote his daughter out of his will based on behavior she engaged in at the age of TWELVE). Jerk.

In answer to the question, I'm glad that my own parents have planned for most contingencies, including long-term care. They're of the firm belief that my sister and I might need to help make decisions about their care down the road, but that we shouldn't have to pay for it.

My mom's mom is in an assisted living/nursing facility run by her church, and her own money recently ran out. The church won't turn her out, of course, but they are asking for a pretty significant monthly contribution from the family. This has caused a lot of stress and tension, because while my parents can pay something, my mom's siblings genuinely cannot afford to help. And if my parents shoulder the whole burden, it makes a painful dent in their own financial security. They want to avoid doing this to my sister and I down the road, and I'm grateful.

My in-laws, on the other hand... DH's parents are divorced and both are re-married. Both frequently mention their plans to just move in with us when they become unable to manage on their own. His mom has plenty of retirement savings and would probably be able to pay her own way, but I think she's serious about living with us. I have no idea about his dad's finances. DH is an only child too. :eek: DH is trying to nip this thinking in the bud and encourage them to plan for the long-term. We still have some 20-odd years of childrearing ahead and along with funding our own retirement, have plenty to deal with already.

ETA- I certainly wouldn't turn my parents or in-laws away or leave them destitute if it came to that- I just resent the assumption that we ARE the long-term care plan.

[greysangel]

This is a different topic altogether but seeing as it's out there already, I will voice mine. While I believe that parents shouldn't be so eager to kick their kids out to the curb, I also think there is something to be said for teaching your child to be independent. I just cannot stand the current climate of "kids" still living at home when they are well into their 30's...that just seems kinda icky to me :o :o

I have always been extremely independent (job at 13, car at 16 and out of the house by 18) and while I would hope that my mom doesn't live in a way that her money runs out before she dies, I would make sure that she had her needs taken care of even if that meant me moving closer to home.

ps When I tell people I'm not planning to have kids, the "but who will take care of you when you get old"? comes up rather frequently. Chaz and I have already discussed paying for good looking nurses :D

[Kathy B]

This is a different topic altogether but seeing as it's out there already, I will voice mine. While I believe that parents shouldn't be so eager to kick their kids out to the curb, I also think there is something to be said for teaching your child to be independent. I just cannot stand the current climate of "kids" still living at home when they are well into their 30's...that just seems kinda icky to me :o :o



That reminds me of when DS was 7 or 8 and told me he wanted to be a firefighter.

Me: I thought you wanted to be a teacher.

DS: I'll be a teacher during the week, and I'll be a firefighter on the weekend.

Me: But if you are a teacher during the week, and a firefighter on the weekends, when will I ever get to see you?

DS: (looking exasperated) When I come home for supper!!

:p

[blazedog]

Unfortunately, yes there are many parents who can't wait until their children are 18 and they don't have to support them any longer.

Yes of course there are -- I am not naive -- but since you prefaced your comment with "unfortunately", I would say that we are both in agreement that such doesn't constitute what either one of us would call a normal "loving" parent child relationship.

[FruitsAlive]

For those of you who are angry about this being spam, check this link out. http://www.dnsstuff.com/tools/whois.ch?ip=goowyinc.biz
I love digging around and weeded morutea down to some guy in san diego and the owner of the email address listed as the administrator of said domain - goowyinc.biz - (trancemusics.com) is based in Ontario, Canada. I still don't get it though. Is he hoping someone will PM him? Seriously, you can't send SPAM via a message board and this question was not only grammatically correct but instigated a barrage of meaningful conversations. These spammer tactics are just getting wacky. Is this how Canadians do SPAM?

::shrug::

www.spamshirt.com

[cookieee]

That reminds me of when DS was 7 or 8 and told me he wanted to be a firefighter.

Me: I thought you wanted to be a teacher.

DS: I'll be a teacher during the week, and I'll be a firefighter on the weekend.

Me: But if you are a teacher during the week, and a firefighter on the weekends, when will I ever get to see you?

DS: (looking exasperated) When I come home for supper!!

:p

Kathy, that is just to precious for words.

[CompassRose]

Is this how Canadians do SPAM?
http://img.villagephotos.com/p/2006-3/1155442/smilielol.gif
Oh, man, I just about choked on my tea. "This must be Canadian spam; it's nonintrusive and grammatically correct."

Maybe he's some kind of market researcher.