What would you do?

[trish_ks]

My close friend Angie (who happens to also be a coworker) is nearly 6 months pregnant. I actually knew that she was pregnant before anyone else (including her husband) and kept it a secret until the first trimester was over when she was comfortable telling people her news. I told her right after finding out she was pregnant that I wanted to throw her a baby shower, which she was very excited about. A couple months ago I found out that our boss (a semi-friend, but more of a working relationship than anything) was planning a shower (without even asking Angie). I went to her and told her that I was already planning a shower, but maybe we could throw one together if she wanted to. She was very hesitant but finally agreed.

It was recently decided that there should be 2 showers - one for friends and one for coworkers, and since one of Angie's friends from church is also planning a shower, my boss and I are obviously in charge of the work shower. Since deciding to collaborate there have been several times when she has "forgotten" we're supposed to be planning this together and has planned the thing right out from under me. Then yesterday I heard from Angie that our boss has changed the date of the shower...to a weekend I can't even attend. I'm getting very frustrated, and it's a bit of a sticky situation since she's my boss. Normally I don't have an issue standing my ground, but I really don't want to upset Angie with any controversy. Should I just step back and let her plan the shower, and I'll just attend the friends one?

**Adding fuel to the fire is the fact that during the first trimester when Angie didn't want to tell anyone, this same boss hounded her relentlessly about being pregnant, reading into every little thing (not drinking, tired, etc.). These are not things that are out of character for Angie at all - she's not a big drinker and she works a lot so she's always tired. This speculation went on to the extreme that Angie was in tears with me because she really wanted it to be a surprise and felt like it was ruined because of our boss's comments. It really irritates me that someone that made her feel like this gets to throw her a shower.**

Someone please tell me you would be mad too so I don't feel like such a horrible person.

[Robyn1007]

I agree that its a tough situation. I think you should really think about why you want to throw this shower. Is it to show Angie how much you care? Is it to show others how much you care? If it truly is to show Angie why don't you step back, let boss throw the shower, attend the other shower and then offer to treat Angie to a girls day of pampering, like a manicure/pedicure or a pre-natal massage or something like that. She'll know how excited you are for her without causing issues at work.

[funnybone]

I'd let the boss throw the shower since it's for people at work. If you can't attend, then you can't attend. If Angie is a friend, she will understand. You're not obligated to go to all the showers thrown for her or to even plan one, IMHO.

[trish_ks]

I agree that its a tough situation. I think you should really think about why you want to throw this shower. Is it to show Angie how much you care? Is it to show others how much you care? If it truly is to show Angie why don't you step back, let boss throw the shower, attend the other shower and then offer to treat Angie to a girls day of pampering, like a manicure/pedicure or a pre-natal massage or something like that. She'll know how excited you are for her without causing issues at work.
That's what I was thinking about doing as well. 90% of my motivation is because I'm really happy for Angie and I know she's going to have a beautiful baby and be a great mom. The other 10% is selfish, knowing that this is likely to be my only opportunity to throw anyone a baby shower, and I think I could throw a great one. You're right though. I think that stepping back is the best thing for me to do in this situation, this is not worth getting dramatic over, it's the last thing Angie needs to be stressed out about.

[memartha]

I'd be frustrated as well.

You're right not to get Angie stressed about this; she's got enough on her plate!

I agree with the other posters so far. If the boss is so set on doing this her way, graciously back out and plan to do something special with just Angie --- shopping, decorating baby's room, manicure, whatever.

You haven't done anything wrong; however, it seems there's no stopping your boss, so in my mind, your relinquishing shower planning will make you the better person and make you happier (or at least less stressed) in the end.

[Robyn1007]

I'm glad you didn't take my response as callous. I understand that there is usually some selfish reason in why we throw most parties. I think if you have a conversation with Angie and explain that while you really want to throw the shower for her it is probably better that you step back and you'd like to do something else for her instead she will likely appreciate you as a friend even more for recognizing that she didn't need the stress of a fight over the shower.

[Vanessa]

i would let the boss take charge of the work shower. Since you might not be able to attend I would just plan something else another day a girls get together or something of her closest friends. You could relax and enjoy time with your friends. I bet you will have more fun.
I would not tell the mom to be about the conflicts etc she probably has a lot going right now does not need stress.

[Robyn1007]

The problem with not saying anything about the situation is the friend may wonder why she suddenly backed out of the shower if there is no explanation at all. I know that if someone was planning a party for me then just walked away I'd be a bit hurt and definitely curious about what happened.

[trish_ks]

I just sent an email to a couple girlfriends asking for thier thoughts on the idea of having a girls night "after baby" shower kind of thing, pedicures and chick flicks. As a gift, I thought we could all chip in and get Angie and her husband a gift certificate to a nice restaurant and movie tickets, or bowling passes, something that's fun but would allow them to get out of the house and spend some time as a couple (and of course leave us with a gorgeous little baby to babysit!).
I'm already collaborating with a couple of friends to fix up the baby's room in a couple weeks when Angie and her hubby are out of town. She's been really stressed out about it and I thought it would be nice to take it off of her plate. She's really into turtles and we thought that would be a great theme since they're not finding out the sex of the baby. One friend does wall murals so we're going to choose a page out of children's book about turtles and he's going to mural it.
I don't know why I just don't feel like I'm doing enough, I'm just so happy for her!

[trish_ks]

The problem with not saying anything about the situation is the friend may wonder why she suddenly backed out of the shower if there is no explanation at all. I know that if someone was planning a party for me then just walked away I'd be a bit hurt and definitely curious about what happened.
That's not a problem. Angie knew we were a bit at odds about the shower since all the information I had on the changes to the plans was coming through her. I let her know that I thought it would be better if I just let Sherry do the planning, especially since it sounds like it's going to be on a day when I already have plans and then asked if it would be ok if I attended the one her friend from church is throwing instead. She completely understood, so everything is good on that front.

[Robyn1007]

That's not a problem. Angie knew we were a bit at odds about the shower since all the information I had on the changes to the plans was coming through her. I let her know that I thought it would be better if I just let Sherry do the planning, especially since it sounds like it's going to be on a day when I already have plans and then asked if it would be ok if I attended the one her friend from church is throwing instead. She completely understood, so everything is good on that front.

That's good! From what you've said about her she sounds very reasonable and probably values the friendship as much as you do.

[trish_ks]

But the question is...what do I tell the boss? I'm afraid that if I say it's because she's planning it for a weekend I can't come that she'll change it back to the original weekend and that excuse won't hold water anymore.

[Beth]

I wouldn't be too worried about that -- it sounds possible that the boss is used to and wants to be in charge. If she does change it back, you can let her know that you have already adjusted your plans based on the new date.

[Robyn1007]

Maybe say something like since your planning schedules just don't seem to mesh you'll just let her continue to run with the planning and offer to bring a dessert or something?

[Beth Y]

I'm already collaborating with a couple of friends to fix up the baby's room in a couple weeks when Angie and her hubby are out of town. She's been really stressed out about it and I thought it would be nice to take it off of her plate. She's really into turtles and we thought that would be a great theme since they're not finding out the sex of the baby. One friend does wall murals so we're going to choose a page out of children's book about turtles and he's going to mural it.

I agree with what others have said about the shower. But this comment caught my eye. You obviously know your friend best, so take this comment with a BIG grain of salt. Exhaustion notwithstanding, if someone had decorated any of my kids rooms without my permission, I would have lost it. I had lots of "dreamy visions" of what my new baby would "see when they woke up". Of course, I was exhausted and crazy and never really got any of it done, but I would have been upset if someone had painted something on the walls that wasn't in my dreamy idea! Now, I have lots of friends who I know could have cared less and would have loved to have someone else take the room decorating job over, but just beware, Mom's expecting their first baby can have VERY SET ideas of what they want for their kids rooms!

Good luck. It sounds like you are a good friend and wanting to do the right thing for the right reasons. Just a caution!

[donleyk]

But the question is...what do I tell the boss? I'm afraid that if I say it's because she's planning it for a weekend I can't come that she'll change it back to the original weekend and that excuse won't hold water anymore.

Has she asked you if that weekend is okay with you? I am thinking she did not.

I am social coordinator at work. I still help plan things even if I can not attend so if I were you I'd continue to help her when you are asked and when the invites come out would be the time to decline.

[trish_ks]

I agree with what others have said about the shower. But this comment caught my eye. You obviously know your friend best, so take this comment with a BIG grain of salt. Exhaustion notwithstanding, if someone had decorated any of my kids rooms without my permission, I would have lost it. I had lots of "dreamy visions" of what my new baby would "see when they woke up". Of course, I was exhausted and crazy and never really got any of it done, but I would have been upset if someone had painted something on the walls that wasn't in my dreamy idea! Now, I have lots of friends who I know could have cared less and would have loved to have someone else take the room decorating job over, but just beware, Mom's expecting their first baby can have VERY SET ideas of what they want for their kids rooms!

Good luck. It sounds like you are a good friend and wanting to do the right thing for the right reasons. Just a caution!
Three things I neglected to mention:
1. Her hubby is in on it and thinks she'll love it.
2. They already tried to decorate the room, painted it yellow and hated it. They had some leftover grey paint from another room and just gave up and painted the room grey. (For a baby's room??? Yuck!) They've run out of money to do anything more because they have bigger & more important things with the house that they have to take care of before the baby comes.
3. We mentioned the idea of doing the room in a turtle theme to her in the midst of brainstorming baby room ideas one day, and she loved the idea but said they didn't have the money to do anything like that.

[Beth Y]

Ah, good. I was kinda thinking he may be in on it, as you needed at way to get in the house! Sounds great! (I had to post it though, otherwise I would have worried all day, cause I am wierd that way!! :D )

[trish_ks]

Ah, good. I was kinda thinking he may be in on it, as you needed at way to get in the house! Sounds great! (I had to post it though, otherwise I would have worried all day, cause I am wierd that way!! :D )
But breaking and entering is fun! :)