long-distance relationship survival stories...

[Lynno1975]

I have been in a long distance relationship now for five months. I don't really have anyone around to talk things over with, and was just curious to hear stories of how other people got through, and what they did in the meantime to keep in touch (care packages, trips, etc...). We do what we can to get together about every 4-6 weeks. Both of us just started new jobs in the last month or so and don't have the time to take off like we used to. Guess I'm looking for inspiration and distraction here.... Let the storytelling begin.

:D

[615bride]

DH and I survived being long distance. We both started college the same year, he was "encouraged" to take our junior year off ;) . We started dating about halfway through that year. I was in NY, he was in NC. The next year I was a senior, he was a junior and we were together. The following year I had graduated and moved down to NC while he stayed in NY to finish up so were long distance that whole school year. It was hard at times, we logged some frequent flyer miles that's for sure. E-mail was a lifesaver. We could really feel like a part of each other's daily lives that way. We've been married for over four years and together for 10! I'm still madly in love with him!

[615bride]

I guess my sum-up would be at times it was very hard but worth it to us. I still get teary-eyed when I see couples on tv or movies who have to leave each other. There were many tearful airport moments...

[Spydee]

Not only can a relationship survive, but it can thrive.

I dated long distance for over 2 years, and have been married for 14 years while being seperated at least 6 months a year (every year) due to work obligations.

I can say without a doubt regular communication is key. Talk about everything and absolutely nothing. It is OK to talk about how ridiculus pink cars look, why you think the discussion of if Hilary Rodham Clinton running for President is occuring way to early, and what are the advantages of saving $100 week for retirment all in the same conversation.

I also suggest making dates to talk/IM so that you do not miss each other, but no one feels tied down.

I love VOIP. Not only can you talk, but you can see each other. The great part is it is not expensive (can be free after initial equipment investment) and works surprising well.

We also use e-cards. They are fun and are a great way to stay in touch when time zones/schedules are not working in our favor.

I also have a policy of doing stuff that he absolutely despises (or are not really things you do with others) when he is gone so that when we are together we do things that we enjoy doing together.

By the way, be prepared to ignore those who say this type of relationship is doomed to fail. While many do not work out, those that do are truly wonderful.

I am interested in what other are going to say on the topic.

[Andrea_2]

I can relate to much of what 615bride posted. My DH was my chemistry TA while I was in pharmacy school in Chicago. I was interested in him and sent him an email ( :o ) over the summer to get a feel for whether or not he felt the same way. Turns out he was leaving less than a week later and moving back to England. He said he'd like to keep in touch though, and we ended up emailing, talking on the phone and writing letters for months. It wasn't until the following July (almost a year later) that we finally had our first official date when I flew to England. Shortly after that he moved back to the U.S., but was only able to get a position in his field in Washington state. I flew out there frequently (breaks from school, holidays etc.), and he came to Chicago sometimes too. We usually saw each other once every 2-3 months or so. Eventually he was able to get a job in Chicago, and we have lived here ever since. I did move out to Washington briefly, but was so incredibly homesick that I really had to come back. Thankfully, he understood and was willing to move here.

I think email was really the key. I don't know if we would've been able to get to know each other so well without it. It really helped the relationship to get started, and to keep it alive. Letters take so long to send, and phone calls are so expensive. I felt like I knew him soooo well before I flew out there to see him. I definitely don't miss those moments at the airport. I'm glad we don't have to do that anymore!

[gaja]

Not only can a relationship survive, but it can thrive.

I agree! DH and I had a long-distance relationship for 5 years while I was away working on my PhD. Those were great years in many ways; in particular, the time we spent together became very fun and special... you have better things to do than argue when you see each other every 6 weeks! :D I think it was easier for me though, since I initiated the situation and I was so busy working.

We have been back living together for over a year now and it is lovely but I sometimes miss missing him...

[KimKelly]

My husband and I met when he live at Vance AFB in Oklahoma and I lived in San Francisco. I worked for his SIL and he came to one of our work events. We hit it off and had a date before he returned to work. We had a great time, but he lived thousands of miles away, and who knew where he would be stationed next, so I sadly thought that was the end of it. We didn't talk for about 3 weeks, then I got this phone call one afternoon. He asked what I was doing for dinner. I got all excited and asked if he was in town. He said no, he was still in OK, but if I was available he would hop in his jet and be on my doorstep by 5. (He flew t-38's). I laughed until I realized he was serious and told him ok. He was there (Ok... that was just about the last romantic thing he did!!!), and we are still together!

We came to really enjoy our quick weekends together and really looked forward to them. We were both at early points in our careers and it allowed us both to concentrate on work during the week without feeling guilty. We talked just about every day (this was before I had email.... goodness I must be old!), sometimes just for a few minutes, sometimes for a few hours. We sent notes, cards, etc. He would send post cards later when he was on longer trips. We dated this way for a year before luck had it that he was stationed in California and things blossomed from there.

I agree with the others, communication is key. It's vital and important. We never had trust issues, and I believe because we were so open to each other. Communication keeps us together today when he travels, which is about 1/2 of each month.

The hard part I had was the lonliness. I'm guessing that may be more difficult for you as you have already been together, and we had not. You actually have something missing. That has to be tough. Best of luck to you two.

Kim

[mackandme]

My now ex-DBF and i dated VERY long-distance for a while. He spent a year in Iraq, and wasn't granted R&R (oh, that broke my heart when i heard), so i didn't see him for a full year. Once went almost two months without a phone call, and when he finally was able to call the connection was so bad that all i could really make out was that one of their guys was electocuted on christmas eve. :(

But we were able to e-mail almost every day. He called when he could - maybe 16 times total. I sent him a care package every week, and taped his favorite TV shows (this was the first year, and the guys didn't have as much access to TVs on their bases as they do now) and sent them to him. Baked lots of cookies. Wrote steamy letters. Took steamy pictures ;) (which now, i believe, are in a box in his mother's attic!).

We survived the long-distance thing, he survived iraq. Ironically enough, after he got out of the Army, he moved in with me. a month later, poof, a six-year relationship, over. we got along a lot better long distance!

So when you're missing your guy, just be happy that he's not somewhere being shot at and mortared. :D

[gabbyh]

Although I wouldn't recommend it for everyone...it can be a wonderful thing between the right people.....

Bryan and I will be together 9 years on Thanksgiving w/e, and we're married 7 years :D He is truly the love of my life, and the most wonderful man.

We met on program called NetMeeting while he was in Australia, but was then working for Chrysler through his Australian company, and was in America month on, month off....in other words, he would spend a month in America, then go back to Australia for a month...

He was working in Detroit, and I was in Pennsylvania, a 9-10 hour drive, if it wasn't snowing.....and he made that trip EVERY w/e but 1 for a year before we were married...plus I would many times fly to Detroit for the w/e...the months that he was in Australia were the worse...we both had cameras on our pc's and would sit in front of them looking at each other and cry...when I think back on those days I remember how tough it was...

I bought lots of books on long distant relationships...I guess ours was kind of unique, as we fell in love sight unseen...and when we saw each other for the first time, it was magic, and 9 years later, still is :D

But, yes, communication is the key...we spent THOUSANDS on phone bills, and of course the time difference was not fun...I would be getting up, he would be getting ready for bed....many days we talked through the night...I remember when the new long distance companies were coming out...I found one that calling to Aus was 5 cents a minute! I thought I died and went to heaven! Plus we used ICQ, and e-mail, but there was nothing like hearing his voice....probably the wonderful Aussie accent that I don't even hear anymore ;)

My friend always thought our story should go on Oprah...small town city girl that NEVER left PA, now travels to Australia!

~Gail

[Robyn1007]

I just have to say how touching these stories are. I did have a long distance relationship once and though there were definitely sweet times (the random text messages that just said "smile", the emails every morning to say have a good day etc) I found it to be very tough and he found it impossible. It would have to be an amazing guy for me to try it again.

That said, my mom's husband is out of town almost every week and their relationship thrives. One of my favorite professors (who is now a friend) and her husband have 2 houses in different towns about 4 hours apart and they are one of the sweetest couples I've ever met.

[SheRa]

loooong story short: i dated a guy long distance for 4 1/2 years. it was tough - we only saw each other a couple times each year. we talked on the phone, online, or with webcams almost every day. it was tough. we broke up about 3 years in for a couple of months, because i didn't know if i could handle the distance anymore, but then got back together. he moved to where i was in college for my last year, and i moved to where he lived for summers until i graduated. then we both moved permanantly and are now engaged. we've been together for about 6 1/2 years now. the key is absolute honesty. tell the truth, even if you think it might hurt. it'll be better in the long run. i think it's helped us be better communicators and our relationship is stronger NOW for having to go through the long distance stuff for so long.

[trish_ks]

Look how many fantastic stories there are! I also have a long distance success story. My BF and I started dating our senior year of highschool (different schools though, so we only saw eachother once a week as it was). I went to college in state (SC) and he went across the country to CA. He was there for 3 years and we only saw eachother during the summer and Christmas when he came back home. With that kind of distance I think the hardest part for both of us was staying faithful, and we ended up breaking up for about a year because of it. We did get back together soon after he came back to SC, and it was so ecxiting because we got to see eachother every couple of months! When I graduated I moved to the midwest, and after nearly 3 years of more long distance he has finally moved out here! I was terrified of that leap though, going from seeing eachother twice a year to living together scared me because all we really knew how to do was be long distance. He's been here since August and we haven't killed eachother yet :)

Phone bills can get really expensive, especially since we talked several times a day. Eventually we made sure we were both on the same cell phone carrier so that we could talk to eachother for free. When you talk that much you definitely know every detail of the other person's life, so you kind of run out of things to talk about. Since it was free, we ended up watching a lot of TV shows "together" over the phone, sometimes we'd have movie nights and we'd rent the same movie and orchestrate it so that we both hit play at the same time. When you get busy it's a really good idea to schedule "date nights" so that you can spend some time "together." My friend and her husband used to play board games over the phone :) Email works really well for a lot of people, but my BF isn't an email kind of guy, phone was better for us.

I guess the main point I want to make is that when you're long distance it's really easy to get caught up in "single life" and devote the time to your relationship that it needs. It's even harder for that person to see that you care when you're not right there, so in a lot of ways it takes more work than a normal relationship.

Don't worry, lots of people do it, and if it doesn't work out it's not because of the distance, it's because it wasn't meant to be right now. Distance doesn't stop it when you're meant to be together.

Good luck!

[jphilg]

I think a big factor in the success or failure of a long distance relationship is the reason for the distance. You need to have an endpoint for the distance....if you met while living in different cities, the endpoint would be when both of you are ready to rearrange your lives around each other and move. If someone leaves for school or military service, or a finite work commitment, the endpoint is the the end of that commitment. But if you used to live in the same city, but a new opportunity leads you elsewhere, with no endpoint, I think it can be a tough road. You said that you both just started new jobs; I guess if you are both at the beginning of a new chapter, it says something that you found yourselves in different places. What needs to happen to be in the same place? Couples with the greatest chance of survival know the answer to that question.

[boisewinesnob]

DH started his new job last November in WA state. The boys and I stayed in ID until their school year was over in June of this year. DH would come and visit every 4-6 weeks and when the weather got better in the spring I drove up with the kids a couple times to see him. Since we've been together 20+ years and our marriage is very solid it wasn't as hard as it might have been if we were newlyweds or something. But it still was not easy! I was basically a single mother. Of course, our kids are older and could drive and stuff, so it wasn't like I was trapped with infants and toddlers; I really don't think I could have handled that. But taking care of everything myself was stressful. Plus in the spring we put our house up for sale and I had to keep it immaculate every day until it sold. The kids helped a little with housework, but I had to do most of it. Having DH there would have made it much easier!!!

When we would visit it was nice as we really cherised our time together!

[suebear37]

DH & I started dating at 17... I graduated & went to college 80 miles away. He graduated the following year & went 600 miles in the opposite direction. After his freshman year, his dad was transferred from New York to California. Two weeks after he graduated, ( and 5 years after that first date), we got married... 28-1/2 years & 2 kids later, we're still going strong & looking foward the the next stage of life, the empty nest!


When we were in school, we couldn't afford to call all the time, maybe once a month. We wrote letters 2 or 3 times a week. We were lucky to see each other once a semester!!

And the apple doesn't fall far from the tree!!! Our oldest son has been with his girlfriend for 6-1/2 years & has had a similar distance issue. Of course, with cell phones, IM & email, it's a lot easier & cheaper to stay in touch.

I guess it all depends on how badly you want it to work & how secure you are in your relationship.

[Lucinda]

Skype with video is a lifesaver. Dave is in Scotland, I'm in California, and once a week we have a video "date". It makes all the difference, being able to see one another's face. And it's free!

[Canice]

I don't have personal experience with it, but an acquaintance of mine dealt with a San Francisco-Madrid relationship (they met when he was on vacation there). They did a lot of flying back and forth for two or three years and talked on the phone a lot. They wanted a life together here, but immigration was a problem since they're a same-sex couple and can't marry. Mario (from Spain) ended up coming here and having an illegal marriage to an American woman and eventually got permanent residency...and a divorce. He and Rich have now been together 12 years. Talk about a souvenir from a vacation!

[LakeMartinGal]

Back in the dark ages, DH and I met in college. Then, he joined the Navy (Viet Nam war), first going to OCS. I saw him once, at the end of OCS, he went on a 4 month cruise. He came back, we became engaged, and I didn't see him again until 6 months later, when we married. :eek: He left for 4 months, came back, etc... until he got out of the Navy 5 years later. We had no phone calls, just letters, and are still happily married after 37 years! Funnily enough, during our marriage, most of his jobs took him away from home at least 2 nights a week ~ not a problem after 6 months at a time... we could talk on the phone every night! :D :cool:

[thegrova]

My significant other has just been transferred from Auckland, New Zealand to New York. We have been together 8 years and the transfer is for 3 years. It is a same sex relationship so US immigration laws mean I am left in New Zealand. It has been 10 weeks - I try to smile.

[Canice]

I'm really sorry to hear that you're both left on your own without the opportunity to be together when other, married, couples stroll through a few sheets of paperwork to reunite lawfully. That's some long distance between you :( .

BTW, I wanted to put a comment on your blog, but couldn't for the life of me figure out where the "comment" function was. And Thanksgiving is just around the corner!

[thegrova]

Hi and thanks for the comments and support! We plan on visiting each other as often as the budget allows. All the more incentive for me to build by business locally! Thanks for visiting the blog. It is reasonably new - and a few people have said that they cannot find the comments section so I do plan to move it. It is currently above the picture at the top of each post.

[mbrogier]

I met Rob when I was a junior in high school, and he was a senior. I was away at a high school that took out of state students in their dorm. NC public high schools were bad, and the ones in the county where I lived were the worst. (my dad's business partner's son got beat up for wearing decent clothing)

It was an 8 hour drive from my house in NC to Rob's house in SC. He would come visit once during the summer, and we ran up huge phone bills talking twice a week on the phone. :p

That first summer, my brother had left home, and Dad invited Rob to go with us on our vacation to Niagara Falls where Dad had an Auctioneering convention. Rob, Mom and I drove to Toronto to see Phantom of the Opera. Rob introducted me and Mom to the Phantom, and it's our favorite secular opera. Mom and I went to see the London performance, but the one in Toronto was ten times better. It was those types of trips that kept us from going crazy when we were apart.

Every summer after the first one, Rob would come to visit at least once and stay about a week. My parents love him. One summer, I flew down for a few days to visit Rob's family.

Another time, I had just gotten home from working 9 hours in the sun at the airport. I was sweaty, and my hair was all disheveled--my sweaty hair had stuck to my head under my flight headset in the hot cockpit. Mom kept asking me if I was going to wash my hair... I had just gotten home and was so tired and hot. I was going to rest and then jump in the water for a few minutes. (we lived on the sound and had a jetski and windsurfer) Then the doorbell ran. Rob had driven up from SC-- it had taken him all day. There I was all hot and disheveled. :rolleyes: He thought I looked adorable. He didn't mind taking a 30 minute nap while I ran upstairs to shower before he took me out to dinner. :D I think it's surprises like this that help long distance relationships survive. When you're really wondering if a long distance relationship is worth the loneliness and stress, something like this can help you realize why you fell in love with the person.

One thing that didn't work for us was IM. It was hard to recognize the other person's intent, and when we were dating 94-99, there weren't as many emoticons available to imply jesting. We IM now, but we've been married for 6 years and know the other person a lot better now.

[patissac]

I'm jumping in a bit late, but I wanted to share my story and some ideas. I met DBF at a party that one of my ex's(we were still friends) was throwing, and out of all people the ex gave DBF my number when he was asking about me. At first I thought the idea of a long distance relationship was ridiculous. He was in Florida, I was in Texas. I figured I had nothing to lose and started chating with him on the phone and emailing here and there. I found myself drawn to him and we hit things out of the ball park. It took about 10 months of Extremly expensive phone bills and plane tickets for me to move to Florida. It was an easy move for me too, I transfered with the company I was with. During those times where we didn't see each other (we'd take turns flying in every 6 weeks) I'd write him a letter of things going on in my life every other day. I also sent a card once a week too. I got a little bored of doing that so I'd cut out the letter "I" one day and send it, the next "L" and send it, you get the idea. By the end of the week it would spell " I Love U" which he really loved. I also saved airplane,movie,theme park ticket stubs, restaurant cards or match tops, picture, cute sayings and made it into a collage for him on our first anniversary. I'd also order Pizza's and have it sent to his work for him over the internet, he doesn't cook so it was greatly appreciated. He wasn't much of a writer but he'd send flowers every now and then.
Though that infatuation stage has since passed, we've been together 5 years, he is my soul mate and the most wonderful person in the world. I honestly believe that if you are meant for each other you just know it, you'll find ways to make it work. Anything is possible!