Codependency question

[misskitty100]

To be codependent, must one of you have some sort of addiction (such as gambling, drugs, alcohol etc)?

Or, can 2 people simply *just* be codependent?

Also, what if one of the 2 is deperessed???

[ErinM]

Not necessarily, IMO.

Codependency is simply a state in which two people exist together, but each may engage in behaviors that are not healthy for them (can be addiction type behaviors, but doesn't HAVE to be), the other person "allows" them do this, and even enables them to continue behaving in whatever way is an issue. I would say in the case of a couple in which one is depressed, it could be a codependent in that the "non-depressed" person makes excuses or allows the other person to continue to be depressed rather than stepping in and taking control of the situation to get the other person some help. I realize I may be talking "perfect world" situation here, since I know I would feel to a extent that the depressed person needs to want to do something for themself for treatment to succeed. However, this could also be seen as a co-dependent thing because the depressed person may know that the other person won't do anything, perpetuating the depressed circumstances.

That's the way I've always understood codependency.

[Curiosity Hears]

Here is what the National Mental Health Association has to say about co-dependency (http://www.nmha.org/infoctr/factsheets/43.cfm).

Best wishes.

[misskitty100]

Thank you both so much. A friend and I were talking yesterday about what I consinder an *unbalanced* relationship between two members of my extended family. My friend refered to them as being codependent. I looked up the definition of codepedency on dictionary.com and it kept refering to addictions. Now, I understand that is probably coming from the fact that the term "codependecy" began with looking at relationships affected by alcohol. Very interesting....

This fits our family situation exactly:

The problem is that these repeated rescue attempts allow the needy individual to continue on a destructive course and to become even more dependent on the unhealthy caretaking of the “benefactor.” As this reliance increases, the co-dependent develops a sense of reward and satisfaction from “being needed.” When the caretaking becomes compulsive, the co-dependent feels choiceless and helpless in the relationship, but is unable to break away from the cycle of behavior that causes it. Co-dependents view themselves as victims and are attracted to that same weakness in the love and friendship relationships.

Characteristics of Co-Dependent People Are:

An exaggerated sense of responsibility for the actions of others.
A tendency to confuse love and pity, with the tendency to “love” people they can pity and rescue.
A tendency to do more than their share, all of the time.
A tendency to become hurt when people don’t recognize their efforts.
An unhealthy dependence on relationships. The co-dependent will do anything to hold on to a relationship; to avoid the feeling of abandonment.
An extreme need for approval and recognition.
A sense of guilt when asserting themselves.
A compelling need to control others.
Lack of trust in self and/or others.
Fear of being abandoned or alone.
Difficulty identifying feelings.
Rigidity/difficulty adjusting to change.
Problems with intimacy/boundaries
Poor communications



Curiosity, thanks so much for this website!

[Curiosity Hears]

You are most welcomed MissKitty, am glad it helped. :)