Biological Clocks...how old were you when it started ticking?

[FruitsAlive]

Halloween is one of those times that always gets me going...all those little Minnie Mouses and bumblebees. I know they're little monsters when they get home, but, I can't wait to take my kids trick or treating, carve pumpkins and pick out costumes. I find myself enviously watching pregnant women or even being a little jealous when they announce that they're expecting.
When did you start wanting kids?

[badunnin]

31 and it hasn't started yet.

[FruitsAlive]

31 and it hasn't started yet.

What have you been drinking? I think I need a swig. :)

[badunnin]

What have you been drinking? I think I need a swig. :)

I've never wanted kids. They don't do anything for me.

[ErinM]

Same as Bethany here, however, I do want kids. I just see myself as still being insanely young for it, because I feel as if I'm about 21, not 31. Oh, and then there's the whole "I'm not married yet with no possibilities in sight." That also tempers the desire for kids, because I won't have them unless I have someone to share it with.

Oh, ETA, I'd also really like to be an aunt first. Both of my sisters are now married, so hopefully sometime soon! *fingers crossed*

[wallycat]

49 and no clock ticking yet.
I never wanted kids either.

[mcgeiger]

28 soon to be 29 and no clock...actually I'm pretty sure I tossed it out the window and then rolled over it with the car and took some matches to it :p (anyone want to tell DM this?)

[Terri_A]

For me it was 29. At the time my marriage was several years in, stable and I think it stemmed from really wanting to share the experience with my husband. I had DD at 30 and then a year later found myself raising her alone. She dramatically changed my life - in good and not as good ways. I will say that after one, I never really had the desire for a second. Sometimes I question as to whether I really wanted a child in the first place or if I got caught up in the "suburban" thing. Don't get me wrong, I adore my daughter and we have a life that we both love now!

Okay....the third glass of wine has begun talking, so I need to shut up! :eek:

[tyroleancutie]

All my friends from College in Austria already have kids and I just got an email today with pictures from a newborn girl.... those are the moments when I really want a baby too.

[sneezles]

Well, thank goodness some of us have/had the desire for children (and for those that don't aren't you at least a little grateful your parents had the desire?)!!!!!

I wanted children from a very young age but also wanted independence/freedom to be myself. My first child was born when I was 28 and my last when I was 35. There were many, many times after the 3rd that I wished we hadn't ended the possiblity of more.

I love babies...

[wallycat]

Well, thank goodness some of us have/had the desire for children (and for those that don't aren't you at least a little grateful your parents had the desire?)!!!!!


Ummmm, not really.
If I hadn't been born, I wouldn't know what I was missing....and though I am not saying it is all bad, it isn't all good either.
Not being here would have been easier :o :o

[mackandme]

I'm 31. I've never really wanted kids (except the four-legged kind). I do however occassionally feel this feeling that i have to get pregnant, and now, but i can recognize that as a hormone thing, and not a true desire to be a mother. Maybe, if the right guy and the right situation came along, i might change my mind. But that's a big if, since the right guy doesn't seem to exist. And i'm not willing to do anything that would mean giving up my horse.

Kids are a huge responsiblity. I don't think people who recognize that that's something they're not interested in should be criticized. There are lots of people out there having kids who shouldn't be. And of course, lots of fabulous parents out there, too. Just don't think i'd be one of them.

[CompassRose]

Mine ticked briefly when I was about twenty-five, but all I really wanted was the Womanly Experience of Pregnancy. I offered to bear a child for a gay friend of mine... but his relationship broke up shortly after, so he never took me up on it.

I also have no desire for children of my own, and I think that is no loss, either to me, or to any potential offspring I might sproing. I like children, other peoples' children, on loan for brief periods.

[mbrogier]

I was told since I was 17 that my heart wasn't strong enough for me to carry a child. As I got older, my doctors found more issues that made pregnancy impossible for me. I've felt grief about never getting the chance, but I've made my peace with not being a biological mother. I've never had those strong urges and never felt very maternal. I have nieces and nephews and love spending time with them. I'm the cool, crazy aunt that loves to have fun. :D

I think when Rob and I are older that we might adopt or foster children if my health is stable enough for that. If it isn't, I may foster animals. My 3 cats are a big part of my life as are my parents and in-laws.

[stefania4]

I don't think I have a clock! People always talk about this Big Decision to have/not have kids, and I never made one - I just knew it wasn't anything I wanted to do. And just as well, because it makes me available to care for my niece (her mother is in long-term care) in a way that my friends with kids could not.

[blrn1]

I'm 32, happily married and child-free for 11+ years. And like a few of you, I'm just not maternal. Most of our friends have started having children, and while I'm so happy for all of them that they're doing and getting something that they really want -- it certainly hasn't stirred up any desire in me.

I have friends who just LOVE to hold babies any chance they get, but even as a little girl, that just wasn't my thing. And beyond babies, the thought of being responsible for a 9-year-old, or a 12-year-old, or a 15-year-old is a terrifying one.

Thank you to the person who said that those of us who have chosen not to have children shouldn't be criticized. I've been called selfish before for our choice, but I truly can't understand how realizing that I'm not "mommy material" BEFORE reproducing is a bad thing! :mad:

[badunnin]

Well, thank goodness some of us have/had the desire for children (and for those that don't aren't you at least a little grateful your parents had the desire?)!!!!!


This isn't exactly something I feel I have a choice in. It's not like I'm choosing to not want kids. I'm not maternal, pure and simple.

And I ditto Ana's comment about being grateful my parents wanted kids. And in actuality, sometimes I think my parents made a bad choice in having kids.

[KimK]

Mine didn't kick in until my late 30's, and now, unfortunately, at age 40, after many tests and drugs and having no "luck," it appears I probably waited too long. :( If your circumstances permit, don't wait!

[cangoss]

Mine started at about 26, and has increased steadily, especially after getting married last year. Unfortunately my body is not cooperating so I have my first infertility appointment next week :(

[KLynn]

I had my son at 31, and never really felt very maternal before that. I never was one to want to hold other babies, loved being around kids, etc. -- but, I did want to have my own child. We did, and I love being a mom to him. That said, I STILL am not drawn to holding other babies, etc. I think you can love being a mom without that "maternal" feeling that many women have, which is often somewhat narrowly defined.

I think of what Miranda said on SATC once, something to the effect of..."I don't love kids other than my own..." :p

[PAMMELA]

40 here, married 17 years, clock hasn't ticked yet (nor Dh's). I have a 6 year old nephew whom I love to death, but am happy I can give him back! :) We also have lots of 4-legged children that are spoiled to death.

I will also add that when I was about 34-35, I had to take a PG test (pill mess up on my part) and I was hyperventilating in the shower praying the test was negative. That sorta told me something.

[Andrea_2]

I had my son at 31, and never really felt very maternal before that. I never was one to want to hold other babies, loved being around kids, etc. -- but, I did want to have my own child. We did, and I love being a mom to him. That said, I STILL am not drawn to holding other babies, etc. I think you can love being a mom without that "maternal" feeling that many women have, which is often somewhat narrowly defined.

I completely agree. That is exactly how it has been for me too.

[beacooker]

I don't know whether it is accurate to say my biologic clock started ticking, but I started feeling like maybe it was time to have kids when I was 29. It didn't feel like a hormonal thing, but a logical decision. I never really felt longings for kids, but then again, I didn't not want to have them either, and DH and I were at a relatively stable point in our lives. I didn't think of myself as being AT ALL maternal. Other people's kids never did a thing for me. DH and I just kind of decided to take the plunge and see what happened, and we have both been so amazed at how maternal/paternal it turns out we both are. Until you have kids, you just don't know what it will bring out in you. I thank God every day that DH and I decided to have our babies, even though we weren't sure about it at first. I feel like I have become more of myself than I was before I had kids, if that makes any sense.

I am not at all intending to tell people who have decided not to have kids that they should have kids, if it sounds that way. Just sharing my experience. :)

[funnybone]

I had my first at 27, after five years of marriage. I can't say I ever yearned or had the need to have kids, but I knew wanted them at some point in my life. I had never even changed a diaper until DS was born. :o I love my kids and am glad I had them, but I don't think I would have been devastated if I didn't have any. Had I kept waiting for the right moment where my body was telling me to have them, I don't think I would have had that moment. I'm 42 now and I hear about some women feeling the need to have another at this stage in life. Not me. I'm glad mine are the age they are, and I look forward to their futures. I just wish I wasn't aging along with them. :(

[hlao23]

I have friends who just LOVE to hold babies any chance they get, but even as a little girl, that just wasn't my thing.

Yup...When I was little I had a friend who loved to play with baby dolls. Whenever we played "mommy" I always wanted her stuffed Racoon as my "baby" which she, for some reason, wasn't happy with. I've never asked to hold someone's baby.

I'm 37..married for 13 years. My clock ticked a bit when my sister had her first baby. After spending an entire day with a baby around (not alone...I was hanging out with my sister) whatever I thought was my "clock" seems to have vanished into thin air. :D

FWIW - my parents are awesome and I think my sister is an awesome mom.

The fleeting times it has crossed my mind to procreate I can't help but think "Who's going to take care of them? I have too much I want to do!" That and...that's one of my weirdo "Save the planet" things. I feel that, should I feel the need to nurture a human, I'll find one that's already here and in need of nurturing rather than creating one of my own.

[jphilg]

I don't think I ever had a clock. I was never a "kid person" or particularly wanted kids until I met someone that I wanted to procreate with. For me, my child and the one on the way were motivated by the specific desire to have a family with a specific man, not by a general desire to have children.

I completely understand not wanting or having children. I also am very happy in my child-centered life right now. There are so many ways to be happy in this world.

[CompassRose]

I think of what Miranda said on SATC once, something to the effect of..."I don't love kids other than my own..." :p
That's what my mother always says. People always assume, because she had four, that she was some sort of earth-mother type always panting after babies, but she's not.

I don't think some of us have exactly proved to be an unalloyed proof of the joy and fulfilment of motherhood, either. She said something on the phone to me recently, about her full-time job having been motherhood, and whether one's job should be fun and creatively satisfying, that might be construed as bitter.

I don't think she and my father did a bad job, as parents (although some of us disagree :rolleyes: ). But there's no certainty, in parenthood. What if you do throw your own life and hopes into the fire to raise children, don't feck up in any obvious way, and they still wind up a screwed-up mess? Or simply trapped in a dead-end job, miserable and dissatisfied with their lives? And blame you?

No. I do not, as I said, have any maternal instincts, particularly, and quite honestly, like Ana and Bethany, I'm not really so all-fired rip-snortin' happy to be here that I want to share the joy and rapture with another being.

[tbb113]

I always knew I wanted children...so I don't think the clock played a part in it. Had my first son at almost 30, second one at 33. I'm starting now to occassionally look at babies and thinking 'how cute'. BUT...the next baby in my life will be a grandbaby and hopefully not for at least 10 years (oldest son is only 17)

I think if you want children...at some point the clock starts ticking as you realize time is slipping away. If you don't want children, you won't ever hear that clock ;)

Thank you to the person who said that those of us who have chosen not to have children shouldn't be criticized. I've been called selfish before for our choice, but I truly can't understand how realizing that I'm not "mommy material" BEFORE reproducing is a bad thing

I don't think people that choose not to have children are selfish...I think that maybe they are self-centered (I have to much to do, to many places to travel, etc) and I agree that it is a good thing to realize and not have children. :)

[Canice]

42 and neither a tick nor a tock to be heard - evah.

I'll bet I'm not the only one here whose mother actually *didn't* want kids. (Though of course she's glad now to have me.)

[guttergrrl]

Mine started ticking quietly around 23 or so, when my younger niece was still a baby. It's been getting steadily louder since then. I just turned 31.

It's a complicated issue for me, mainly because I'm a lesbian and having my own baby would be an ordeal to say the least. I admit the urge to want to know what it's like to be pregnant. TMI: Then there's the issue of a lifetime of irregular periods which makes me think that getting pregnant would be difficult for me. I'm all for fostering or adopting if having my own isn't in the cards.

My SO has two children from a previous hetero relationship, ages 12 and 10. She has already stated that she has no desire to bear more children, but would be okay if I wanted to have a baby. *shrugs* We're not even living together yet, so this is an issue that's on the backburner for now.

In the meantime, I have two nieces and a nephew whom I love to pieces and I try to limit my maternal impulses to my 5 cats. :)

[Robyn1007]

My clock started around 3 years ago (I'm 29 now) but I'm patient enough to wait until I find the right man to have a family with. I do hope that is sooner rather than later but I have faith that eventually the right thing will happen. I keep telling my sister that she's the married one and she needs to have a baby so I can play auntie. Now, we both want children so its not a matter of pestering someone who doesn't want it.

As far as critisizing people who don't want children, that's just wrong. While I may not understand the desire to not be a parent, there is nothing wrong with it.

[LA98]

I always figured children would be in my future, but I was never in any hurry and I didn't get married until 29 anyway. The following year we bought a house and that's when the clock really started ticking for me. It was just something about looking around our house and just feeling like children were supposed to be running around in it. I still put it off for 2 years due to fear, which I really regret, but there's nothing I can do about that now.

I applaud people who know themselves well enough to make the decision to be child-free. In fact, I think it's admirable. I don't think there's anything worse than someone who becomes a parent without having a 100% commitment to the work involved and a willingness to make all the necessary sacrifices. I've witnessed this and it's ugly....

[Wendy w]

47 next week. It never started ticking and I am thankful.

I have a lot of nieces, nephews and honorary ones. Borrow, spoil, give 'em back, it works for me.

[leebee]

I NEVER wanted kids. Didn't really care to spend much time around babies. It was a point of concern for my husband, who wanted children very much, but decided a half-hearted "maybe someday" was worth marrying me. Then, I woke up one day when I was 30, and it hit me like a ton of bricks. I remember it vividly. I was so completely unprepared for that feeling. I tried to let it go away for about a year. Now, I have two beautiful children that are the delight of my life. We recently made the decision to stop--so no more. I'm 38 and just too darn tired for another baby! I often wish I had started earlier. I could see myself having more. But I know that my experience with my pregnancy & my kids would have been different if I had been 10 years younger. And I have many friends that are childless by choice. I applaud them for knowing themselves well enough to not have kids just to appease someone else, or because it just seems like the thing to do. A young friend of mine recently asked me how you know when it's the right time to have kids. I told her you don't. It's a leap of faith. She doesn't feel any desire to have a baby now, but is getting all sorts of pressure. Her husband feels the same. She was basically looking for permission to not have a child, which I think is sad. They should be able to make that choice themselves without judgement.

[mgs]

This is a really weighted and heavy question for me to answer :( and I have written and re-written the answer a 100 times in my head before I posted, but I will just say it started with a vengence at 31.

[boisewinesnob]

I had my son at 31, and never really felt very maternal before that. I never was one to want to hold other babies, loved being around kids, etc. -- but, I did want to have my own child. We did, and I love being a mom to him. That said, I STILL am not drawn to holding other babies, etc. I think you can love being a mom without that "maternal" feeling that many women have, which is often somewhat narrowly defined.

I think of what Miranda said on SATC once, something to the effect of..."I don't love kids other than my own..." :p

Klynn, you have written this so well. I feel the same way as you on so many points. I really love being a mom to my kids. But I am still not a "baby person." I mean, yeah, babies are cute and all, but honestly I enjoy my kids now that they are teenagers/young adults even more than when they were babies.

[wallycat]

Tyra,
not wanting children because someone is self-centered?? :eek: :eek:
I would have expected "self sacrificing" or "smart" or "educated" but NOT self centered.

Do you realize that some people elect not to have kids because they have been psychologically scarred from their past and don't wish to ruin another human's life...that is not self centered, that is a sacrifice and being smart.
What about knowing you may pass on a bad genetic makeup and the poor kid born would have a miserable life?? That is self-centered??

WOW, I sure define those things differently.

[Wendy w]

Tyra,
not wanting children because someone is self-centered?? :eek: :eek:
I would have expected "self sacrificing" or "smart" or "educated" but NOT self centered.

Do you realize that some people elect not to have kids because they have been psychologically scarred from their past and don't wish to ruin another human's life...that is not self centered, that is a sacrifice and being smart.
What about knowing you may pass on a bad genetic makeup and the poor kid born would have a miserable life?? That is self-centered??

WOW, I sure define those things differently.

Thank you Ana. It's not all about being self-centered, sometimes the reasons are out of sheer common sense.

[tamawrite]

I've never wanted kids. They don't do anything for me.

Amen, sistah. I'm 28 and have no plans nor any desire to have kids.

Do I think I'd be a good mom? Yes, quite.

Would I love my kids if I had them? Of course.

Do I think any less of people who do want kids? No, why should I?

Have I ever wanted to have them? Nope, not ever.

Do I occasionally wonder if it would be nice to be 80 years old and see my mannerisms and traditions living on in another person? Sure...but then I go to the grocery store or for a walk or listen in on breakroom conversation, and I think to myself that there are many, many other ways I can leave a legacy...without changing any diapers...and I am cured! :D

[zippy478]

I don't think I ever had a clock. I was never a "kid person" or particularly wanted kids until I met someone that I wanted to procreate with. For me, my child and the one on the way were motivated by the specific desire to have a family with a specific man, not by a general desire to have children.

I completely understand not wanting or having children. I also am very happy in my child-centered life right now. There are so many ways to be happy in this world.

Ditto. I am also in agreement with the ones that say they are not "baby" people. Until DS was born, I never held a newborn and I still rarely hold other people's children.

And, growing up, I was always the one that said I'm never having kids..as I sit here suffering from heartburn caused by DS #2 taking up more and more room. My mom always said I would change my mind someday. I hate admitting she's right :rolleyes:

Maura :)

[RebeccaT]

Always knew I wanted kids "someday." "Someday" arrived when I was about 29, facing 30, married for almost 5 years and just feeling ready. Had to wait for DH to catch up with me, though, which took another 6 months or so.

I don't know if I had a clock, per se. That makes it sound like I felt that time was running out, and I'd better get while the getting was good. It was more that I had a longing that intensified over time. It helped that, like Jen said, I was with a man that I wanted to have a family with.

[testkitchen45]

Since many of the responses are from ladies who don't want kids, thought I'd post a counterpoint . . . I have seven and love it! (Kidding!) But I do have a few and love it! Are some days a nightmare? Sure. Are some days full of maternal bliss? Sure. Do kids strain your marriage? Sometimes. Do kids enhance your marriage? Very much. Do I have anything in my life besides my kids? Absolutely. Is raising my kids in an excellent way the main focus of life right now, since I chose to bring them into the world? Absolutely.

See a pattern here? Having kids is unlike any other job, and like every other job. You have good days and bad days, just as you do at the office or anything else--but if you put in the time and effort, your excellent days will far outweigh your tough ones, even when the kids are teens. On one hand, you deal with moods (your own and theirs!); on the other hand, there's nothing more gratifying than seeing your child acting properly in a difficult situation, having internalized your teaching. I truly have grown more as a person, and our marriage has gotten stronger, and life is more full, because I have temporarily shelved some of my own goals in order to be a parent. I still have a lot going on that's not kid stuff (I'm no June Cleaver), but raising an excellent family is a very gratifying job.

That being said, I love this quote:

I had my son at 31, and never really felt very maternal before that. I never was one to want to hold other babies, loved being around kids, etc. -- but, I did want to have my own child.
Just because you don't drool over other people's kids doesn't mean you're not ready to seriously consider having your own. To (finally) answer your question, my clock began ticking after about 5 years of marriage (near age 30); it ticked again several years later; and when it stops, you know it! I never was too excited about other people's babies, but my own, well, that's a different story. If your marriage is strong and you're ready to widen your world by bringing in children, with all the joy plus all the responsibility, great! But if not, or if you're not comfortable with the uncertainties of what your life will be like with kids (all kids are a challenge, but some are born special-needs and you have to be prepared for that, too), then recognizing that you're not ready is just as valid a decision.

Just my 2 cents. :o

One P.S. (as if this post weren't long enough): Take a look at the "venting in Wal-Mart" post to see everyone's frustration with badly behaved kids! I think a lot of parents today, having been raised in the "free to be you & me" 60's, are afraid to actually parent. Don't base your decision on all the little monsters that run around in stores--that situation doesn't have to be your future. Just another 2 cents. :)

[BarbaraL]

I always thought I'd have children, but was never one of those women who rushed over to see a baby and insisted on holding it, etc.

I was married at 26, was working and going to graduate school. At around 28, I think, I started wanting a baby, but wanted to wait until I graduated. I had my DD at 30, and never felt so much love for another human being in my life. I would have loved to have a second one, but DH did not.

I can think of few more personal decisions than whether or not to have a child. Raising kids takes alot of time, effort, commitment and sacrifice. Maybe someone is "self-centered" or "selfish" or whatever - if they are, that's who they are, and having a child won't change that. The child will just be resented, maybe neglected, and probably have "issues" because (s)he knows that (s)he wasn't wanted.

[Chelle D]

I've always wanted to be the greatest mom ever :) It comes from growing up without a mother (mine left young and I have only seen her very sporadically) and unfortunately my birthday falls on Mother's Day every few years. I used to hate it when it did because I did not have a mom. Then when I got married, I was ready right away and unfortunately had losses that made me infertile. After a couple rounds of ivf, I adore my DS and am thinking we will adopt in the next year or two. But I also don't think I am as "maternal" as I thought I would be. I too don't coo over other babies and I hate having to work in church nursery. :eek: :p But I do enjoy getting together with other mommies now and talking about kids. The tough part is that I also have the whole infertile thing going on and am a co-ordinator for a local infertility support group and it's tough walking both sides. I also find myself still bitter about not being able to have more bio children without going through what I ahve already and I almost ended up in a straightjacket with all of that. So I'm working out all of my feelings now and hoping they will lead me to adopt one more.

Anyway....that's WAY off the original question on this thread! My clock ticked before I could have babies and now at 31 with no fallopian tubes and a huge amount of pain and money paid just to have one, it's ticking loudly to work out a way for another one.

[linsleyd]

DH and I never really cared whether or not we had children (he had a bad childhood with an abusive father), until now.

My brother who was both of our best friends died suddenly for no apparent reason this past spring and that has brought different ideas into our head. We now talk about naming our future child after my brother and we are in the process of cleaning up our finances and future so that hopefully next year we'll be able to try for a child.

So, the part of procreating to create something of your partner and yourself and part the experience of losing someone so close has made us decide that one day we will have a child if it is meant to be. As long as my brother doesn't hear us talking about the name a girl would get, he might just help us along if he can... :D

[stacy7272]

I would say I was ready to take the plunge when I was 25.

I had myself all ready to go to grad school - I had worked so hard in undergrad so I took a few years off to work and I'm so glad I did! It helped me evaluate what I wanted in life and school/work wasn't it. I wanted to settle down, have kids, and be a SAHM.

I decided to date looking for quality instead of good-looks. I did this for some time but luckily I made an exception for DH whose gorgeous appearance caught my eye and I decided to go after him. Turns out he was top quality in a great package (it took me some time to actually believe this since this is all too rare in L.A. but it turns out he is from Oregon ;) ).

We got engaged after 7 months, married a year later, got pregnant 8 months later and so I had DS when I was 28 and DD at 30. This is actually very young for West Los Angeles and I'm almost always the youngest mother. Around here you NEVER assume someone is a grandparent because they are probably the parent.

[SandyM]

I truly have grown more as a person, and our marriage has gotten stronger, and life is more full, because I have temporarily shelved some of my own goals in order to be a parent. I still have a lot going on that's not kid stuff (I'm no June Cleaver), but raising an excellent family is a very gratifying job.

I think this is great for you. Really I do. And I would never, ever dispute your last sentence quoted here, because I know, through friends and family, that it is a very difficult, and yet very rewarding, job bringing up strong, independent, healthy children.

I just get very tired of the attitude that I'm selfish or that my life is not full because I chose to not have children.

I love babies, and I love (most) children. I even occasionally lurk on the New Moms or Toddler threads because I love seeing pictures of the kids posted there. I just knew, very early on (probably at age 17), that I was not meant to be a mother - and I refuse to be ashamed.

[raka1214]

I am in the camp of having always wanted children, started trying at around 20 and at 38 feel the desperateness that infertility leaves you with.

Seeing pregnant friends or learning of their pregnancies is devastating, as is Mother's Day, Father's Day and all the other holidays where kid's are such a integral part.

Adoption is now out of the question due to our ages in the state we live and we couldn't bring ourselves to do fostor care.

So I guess our internal struggle now is how to deal with the loss of not ever having had a choice. What do I do with the biological clock that is inside me and driving me crazy with the ticking knowing I can't stop it?

To all those who have decided not to become a parent for WHATEVER reason - GOOD FOR YOU! It is YOUR choice, not someone elses. You know your lives better than anyone else.

To all those who have decided to become parents - GOOD FOR YOU!! Now, take this wonderful opportunity to decide to raise them to the best of your ability to become viable adults who will go on and add to this life - which I know each one of you are doing, I'm sure.

[stacy7272]

I just get very tired of the attitude that I'm selfish or that my life is not full because I chose to not have children.

I don't quite get the selfish thing describing people who don't have children. I had children for selfish reasons. I want them and I want them now! :D

[brickbat]

I'm 38, and nothing's ticking here.

This is a fun read: the book "Baby Not on Board" by Jennifer L. Shawne. If you have doubts about if kids are maybe/maybe not for you, I suggest it.

[sammeybella]

I'm 36 and not a tick in sight.

When I was 28 I had an unexpected pregnancy (I gave the child up for adoption). I figured that if I was ever going to have an urge it would be then but, nope, not even while while I was pregnant.

Still, I waited. I was careful to say never because I had an awareness that the biological imperative was much greater then me.

But still nothing. I don't notice children and I don't think about children.

Truthfully, I've always wanted to have the urge because I see having it as the "norm". And quite frankly I get tired of feeling "different".

T

[daisylover]

I'm 35 and there's no clock ticking, never has been. My SO and I are getting married in July and have decided no kids. We like kids, but we admit that we really don't want to commit to the lifestyle changes that having children requires. For a while we considered having children, but we agreed we would adopt, not have our own. Maybe it's partly because we're getting married in our 30's, but we've agreed that much of what we want to do together would not be possible given the way we believe we'd raise our children if we had them.

[linsleyd]

I don't quite get the selfish thing describing people who don't have children. I had children for selfish reasons. I want them and I want them now! :D


I was just going to say I think having children is selfish, I can't quite grasp where not having children is a selfish thing.

[mgs]

Kim,

Sorry about your struggles, sounds familiar to me. :(

Just wondering why you think 38 is too old to adopt? We adopted at ages 35 (me) and 38 (DH) domestically - a newborn - and we did not foster. It was definitely worth, there are a lot of issues there when you so desperately want that pregnancy piece of the puzzle (and pu-leaze people don't tell me pregnancy is not that great. I would have loved the opportunity to fully experience it)

If you want information let me know.

btw, we are not independently wealthy, either. it can be done!

[Laura]

I did babysit as a kid and had nieces and nephews when I was in my early teens, but did not get the real baby urge until after I was married (which was 24). That said, I don't know if I would have had the urge if I had not been married. My kids are wonderful, amazing human beings and I am blessed to have them in my life; it is not an easy road though, and if it is not what you want, then don't feel bad about making that choice.

[tbb113]

I meant the phrase "self-centered" more when people give the reason of travel, busy, not-wanting to share their spouse, etc. Maybe what I really meant was self-aware. They know what they want and are capable of doing, and act on it. I didn't mean it in a negative way and I'm sorry it was taken that way :o

[KLynn]

This has been a really interesting discussion. I appreciate the spirit of acceptance here - that everyone makes their own choices for their own reasons, and if we really admit -- we are all selfish in one way or another -- it is human nature. It can manifest in having kids or not having kids. Being self-aware and realizing how our selfish tendencies affect those around us is the real battle.

Back to the ticking clock...just wanted to add that the concept doesn't die once you have a child. My clock is currently fervently ticking in regard to having a second child. I am 34 and feel like the time is now, so our kids won't be too far apart. Some life circumstances have caused us to wait for now, but I still feel the tick, tick, tick...

[testkitchen45]

I just get very tired of the attitude that I'm selfish or that my life is not full because I chose to not have children.
Oh, no, I hope you didn't think that's what I meant. My post also said this: But if not, or if you're not comfortable with the uncertainties of what your life will be like with kids (all kids are a challenge, but some are born special-needs and you have to be prepared for that, too), then recognizing that you're not ready is just as valid a decision. My point was that if you're of the mindset that you believe that you should "widen your world" by having kids (i.e., if you believe that having kids will do that in a positive way), then you go for it--but if you're not thinking that way, or if your world is just wide enough, thank you :) , then choosing not to have children is the smart thing for you and your DH to do. I hope you weren't feeling that I was passing judgment on someone's decision not to have children, esp. since I did say that that's a valid decision--but I imagine that if you did feel that way, it's b/c perhaps you've experienced too many people with kids trying to breathe down your neck until you see the wisdom and superiority (ha, ha) of their decision (as they see it). If so, I can relate, b/c as soon as I got married, I started having to field questions about when Babykins would come along, and it made me want to strangle a few busybodies for pushing my timeframe faster than I wanted it to go!

[daisylover]

Okay, I know I just posted but I've been thinking about the reference to people being selfish for not having children. And then someone else said maybe it's more about being self-centered. I know that being self-centered is not necessarily a bad thing, but my thoughts led me to this.

I can remember being six and deciding that I would adopt children. I read a book about children in an orphanage and was so affected that I knew adopting would be right for me. Now that I'm getting married and in a position for having children, I know it isn't right for me. Why not? I've been teaching high school and junior high for twelve years. I get heavily involved with student activities outside of class. I admit that when I get home at the end of the day, I'm physically and emotionally very tired. I don't believe I could be the teacher and the parent and the wife I would want to be...I'm not a juggler in that sense. Perhaps others feel that they can do it all...but I don't. Once we're married, my SO and I know how we want to live. And, yes, it includes travel. But it also includes being heavily involved in our community, including volunteering. And we know that we are approaching a time when we will need to help take care of our parents. Having children isn't a priority in the midst of this, although we agree that if we feel like having children is necessary for our feeling complete, we will adopt. We haven't ruled out being foster parents, either, but that decision would depend upon the other things in our lives because we wouldn't want to shortchange a child.

I suppose that to others it makes me selfish or self-centered. But I refuse to be a parent who doesn't have time for my children and I refuse to be a child who doesn't have time for my parents and I refuse to live without being connected to my community. I recognize that I can't do it all and remain sane. And I'm glad that I recognize my limits.

[armel]

40 and never had the biological clock tick in. A friend of mine who had never wanted children woke up one day saying she had to have kids and was upset that her husband wasn't supportive. My advice was for her to wait one year and see if she still really wanted to have kids. One year later, nope. No desire, and it never returned. So there definitely is some hormonal thing.

All I have ever really longed for was as many dogs as I could enjoy and take care of. [Like cats too, but now I am way allergic to them].

And i have never seen a baby that i thought was cute. But have never seen a puppy that i didn't think was cute.

[KristinK]

I am 26, and my clock has been ticking for the two years that I've been married. Not that I feel like I need children NOW, but since DH and I have always wanted children, getting married only made me feel stronger about it. We decided to wait until we had a few more things covered, including a certain combined salary and a marathon under my belt. Now that we've been trying for six months, the clock is only ticking stronger. I only wish it were as easy as the teenage pregnancy rate makes it seem!

As for the self-centeredness issue, I've never thought it was fair to question anyone's desire not to have children. I don't think any of you should have to justify that decision.

[brickbat]

Do I think I'd be a good mom? Yes, quite.

Would I love my kids if I had them? Of course.

Do I think any less of people who do want kids? No, why should I?

Have I ever wanted to have them? Nope, not ever.


My thoughts exactly!

[Delanl]

My clock is ticking very quietly for now. I've only been married for a month and I was all set to start trying in January but now I think I'd like to wait a year. :D I want to enjoy my husband for a little while, plus it just makes more sense for us to wait since I will be making more money in a year and will have more leave saved up.

I was never really a "baby" person, but like Jphilg said once I met my husband, the idea of having his baby and sharing that whole experience with him is what I look forward to the most.

For now I just lurk away on all the Pregnancy and New Mom threads! :D

[Curiosity Hears]

I am 43 and have never heard any tic-toc.

Have two dds though, one due to death in the family and the other from marriage. They are great kids and I am glad they are in my life. Am also glad that I never had to change a diaper or wake up for feedings in the middle of the night.

[scout1222]

I am actually quite surprised at the number of you ladies with no clock! I've never had the clock either (I'm almost 33) and I've always felt in the minority. I guess I still am, but I figured there'd be less of you saying the exact same things I've been saying all my life.

[BucknellAlum]

I am surprised at how many people don't hear a clock (perhaps those of us who are already parents are too busy scraping their sugar-high Halloween induced kiddies off the ceiling today to post!?!)

I never liked kids, never babysat, never changed a diaper in my life. Deciding to have kids was genuinely a leap of faith, that i would find it rewarding once it happened. I never felt a clock, but as I approached 30, I definitely started doing calculations (how old will I be when he/she graduates HS? etc.) and it became more a logical decision. If we were going to have kids, now was a good time. We had had success in our careers, had bought a house, etc.

I also knew that I would forever wonder what I was missing if I did not have kids. And having 2 kids has allowed me to see the world through different eyes. It has changed my orientation on lots of things, and forced me to become way more way aware of myself and what things in my personality I like or would change (nothing like seeing a mini-me imitating one of your own bad habits to make you want to change!). I have learned so much more than how to take care of a kid.

I admire those of you who knew so certainly that you did not want kids. I guess I was not that sure and that is why I took the leap. Either way, it is good to see people making the decision with eyes open.

[AvrilH]

My clock started shortly AFTER I had my first DS. I was 22 when I found myself accidentally pg and it took the whole pregnancy to get myself psyched for motherhood. SHortly after his birth though, I was planning out #2 and #3!

ANd although I have felt that I am "done" with my three boys, all out of diapers and in school........ My friends/colleagues are now starting to have their babies and I am feeling a bit of jealousy/yearning to be in that phase again (I'm only 34, but DH is 44 and is firmly DONE!).

But I too am surprized at the number of people who responded that they never wanted kids. I can understand choosing not to have children (and by that I mean on certain days I wonder what the heck I was thinking!) but not even feeling the pull is interesting to me. (And I say that even though I fell into parenthood to begin with!)

[Krysia1031]

I don't necessarily think it is a question of when your biological clock starting ticking. I think it is more of a life choice to have children. I whole heartedly support anyone's decision not to have children. It is a life-chaging decision and comes with a lot of responsibility. My husband and I have friends that are successful working professionals. They decided to have kids becasue they were getting pressure from the MILs and they thought it was the "right thing to do". They have a full-time nannny that spends more time with their children than either one of them do because they both claim that they are so busy with their work and their social lives. :confused:

Having children is a big responsibility that like any other decision comes with some give and take. I have been married for a little of 3 years and my DH & I have had some discussions about having a family. My only hope that one day I can love & guide my kids as both of my parents did for me. Like many others have stated, I have a sister who does not want to have children, but promises to be the best aunt in the world and I respect her decision and support her 100%. :p

[kima]

Okay, I know I just posted but I've been thinking about the reference to people being selfish for not having children. And then someone else said maybe it's more about being self-centered. I know that being self-centered is not necessarily a bad thing, but my thoughts led me to this.

I can remember being six and deciding that I would adopt children. I read a book about children in an orphanage and was so affected that I knew adopting would be right for me. Now that I'm getting married and in a position for having children, I know it isn't right for me. Why not? I've been teaching high school and junior high for twelve years. I get heavily involved with student activities outside of class. I admit that when I get home at the end of the day, I'm physically and emotionally very tired. I don't believe I could be the teacher and the parent and the wife I would want to be...I'm not a juggler in that sense. Perhaps others feel that they can do it all...but I don't. Once we're married, my SO and I know how we want to live. And, yes, it includes travel. But it also includes being heavily involved in our community, including volunteering. And we know that we are approaching a time when we will need to help take care of our parents. Having children isn't a priority in the midst of this, although we agree that if we feel like having children is necessary for our feeling complete, we will adopt. We haven't ruled out being foster parents, either, but that decision would depend upon the other things in our lives because we wouldn't want to shortchange a child.

I suppose that to others it makes me selfish or self-centered. But I refuse to be a parent who doesn't have time for my children and I refuse to be a child who doesn't have time for my parents and I refuse to live without being connected to my community. I recognize that I can't do it all and remain sane. And I'm glad that I recognize my limits.

You don't sound self centered at all! I admire people like you who give so much to their community. I sure hear you on not being able to juggle being a great teacher and parent at the same time. The amount of energy that takes boggles my mind. I know people who do both very well and I stand in awe of them.
I took the opposite route- had the kids and quit teaching. I would only have been able to do one of those jobs well.

People who don't have kids are not selfish-they are doing (or not doing!) what is right for them.

[aggie94]

I too am surprised by the number of people who have posted who have never had the urge or desire to have children and who are without kids by choice. I have always thought I was in the minority, and most of the people I encounter IRL have children, want to have children, are trying to have children, etc.

I have never wanted children, and in the 15 years we have been together, I thought DH felt the same way. Only recently did he disclose to me that he really does want children with me, but that he consciously made a choice years ago that if I never changed the way I felt, he would rather spend his life with me without children than with children with someone else. You can't imagine the kind of guilt I have felt ever since then, but I know that guilt is not a reason to have children. :(

[PAMMELA]

I have never wanted children, and in the 15 years we have been together, I thought DH felt the same way. Only recently did he disclose to me that he really does want children with me, but that he consciously made a choice years ago that if I never changed the way I felt, he would rather spend his life with me without children than with children with someone else. You can't imagine the kind of guilt I have felt ever since then, but I know that guilt is not a reason to have children. :(

Wow. And you're right.

[FruitsAlive]

My desire to have children got a lot stronger when I got married three years ago, too. It's been even worse now that we own a house that's way too big for the two of us. There's a little retreat in our bedroom that would be perfect for a crib.
I wish it were as simple as the "straight" method for us. Just getting pregnant will likely cost us the child-to-be's college fund. I hope (s)he's smart. :D

[scout1222]

Only recently did he disclose to me that he really does want children with me, but that he consciously made a choice years ago that if I never changed the way I felt, he would rather spend his life with me without children than with children with someone else. You can't imagine the kind of guilt I have felt ever since then, but I know that guilt is not a reason to have children. :(

Oh wow. I made it ABUNDANTLY clear from almost day 1 with my current boyfriend that I'm not into having kids. In fact, I really urgently discussed this with him. I cannot imagine finding this out!

On the other hand, maybe you can look at it this way: when I read that, mostly what I heard was "here's a man who loves a woman so much that he's willing to make a different choice than he really wanted". I can see how you might feel guilty, but at the same time you could also feel extremely honored.

[tbb113]

I have never wanted children, and in the 15 years we have been together, I thought DH felt the same way. Only recently did he disclose to me that he really does want children with me, but that he consciously made a choice years ago that if I never changed the way I felt, he would rather spend his life with me without children than with children with someone else. You can't imagine the kind of guilt I have felt ever since then, but I know that guilt is not a reason to have children. :(

Eva - please don't feel guilty. Che made his choice to be with you...and there is no guarantee that you would be able to have children even if you both wanted them. Also, if it makes you feel better...according to Dr. Laura if one person wants children and the other person doesn't want them...the NO takes precedence. Children deserve to be wanted by both parents for the right reasons, not to fulfill another person's desire to have a child.

[LonghornGal]

So here's a question - would those of you with kids have gone ahead and had one if you were single throughout the pregnancy and raising of said child? I am just curious because many of you reference time married in your decision making. Would your decision have been different without a husband?? Or do you feel that the clock/urge outweighed that? Because truthfully, with all the marriages that break apart, is having a child alone any worse for that child than having a difficult relationship with the father?

[Kayaksoup]

Biological clock may have fluttered briefly, but common sense slapped it down.

[tbb113]

So here's a question - would those of you with kids have gone ahead and had one if you were single throughout the pregnancy and raising of said child? I am just curious because many of you reference time married in your decision making. Would your decision have been different without a husband?? Or do you feel that the clock/urge outweighed that? Because truthfully, with all the marriages that break apart, is having a child alone any worse for that child than having a difficult relationship with the father?

Speaking only for myself...I would never willing start a family without a husband. I think all children deserve a chance at two loving parents living together under one roof. The fact that I ended up divorced and raising the boys primarily on my own...doesn't change that fact. I think a FATHER and a MOTHER is important to a child.

[Canice]

So here's a question - would those of you with kids have gone ahead and had one if you were single throughout the pregnancy and raising of said child? I am just curious because many of you reference time married in your decision making. Would your decision have been different without a husband?? Or do you feel that the clock/urge outweighed that? Because truthfully, with all the marriages that break apart, is having a child alone any worse for that child than having a difficult relationship with the father?

Hmm, got to say that "going it alone" is very much a separate conversation from "when did you decide?". And as it gets cast into whether it's better to go it alone or have a sucky father and a great mother, or a sucky mother and a great father, or...hmm, two great dads, etc.
If it were me, I would make it a separate thread.

[raka1214]

Having grown up with a GREAT mom and a sucky (that word isn't strong enough) dad there were days I LONGED for my mother to leave that man. He contributed nothing but pain and sorrow and a lot of days/nights crying to my life and how he treated me and my family has affected EVERYTHING in my life. Would we have been better off if my mom had been single - I don't know but I sure would have paid good money to have had the chance to find out.

That being said - the idea of purposefully setting out to raise a child by yourself is very daunting and it's one that I've wondered about myself in our situation. For instance, if something were to occur that DH and I were no longer together would I go ahead and take the steps to make sure I had children? My emotions scream YES while my head says NO. I think the idea of a 2 parent family is so ingrained in most of us that the thought of any other way becomes "unnatural". But for those that grew up in a 1-parent home its the most natural of things to happen. So, I believe that everyone's responses would be scewed (sp?) in the direction they were raised.

[KLynn]

I personally would have never had a child on my own, but I admire people who do...

[hlao23]

Biological clock may have fluttered briefly, but common sense slapped it down.

That's similar to what I was thinking when I first posted. I was thinking about a quote (that is totally unrelated to childbearing/rearing) from Douglass Adams. When I think about the logistics of raising children any ticking "...vanished in a puff of logic" ;)

No comment on people who have/want to have children...this is just the way I feel about myself.

[saserre]

31, ticking now loudly. Finally have the right guy for it too. Ex-hubby was not really into the idea, but said "sure, YOU can have kids", which I believed meant "I travel for work so I'll see them on weekends, and pay for their food and clothes and such, and you'll quit your worthless (in his opinion) job and raise them".

Now it's a matter of when - getting married next year, want to be married a year or so before kids. I'm like LA98, now we're getting the house and know that those extra bedrooms belong to "the kids".

Fiance' and I want two, so the question I wonder is how old will I be when Kid #2 comes along? And I have no clue what to do with them before they go to school. Does one of us quit our job, switch shifts, go part-time, or does daycare raise them (not my preferance)?

[jmarie]

DH and I married at 30 and had 1st child a year later at age 31 and second child at age 33.

OT, but around here, I always felt like the old mom out. It is really refreshing to see that so many of you were having children at the same age I was.

For me it wasn't a matter of a ticking clock....it was being in a marriage with an alcoholic husband and knowing I didn't want to bring children into that. A divorce and a couple of years later, it happened. I always had wanted to adopt, even wrote a paper on it when I was in the 4th. grade, but DH wouldn't hear of it.

tbb113, I read your post and understand what you meant now....but DH was always of the notion that people who do not have children were selfish and for the life of me I could never figure that one out. Don't get me wrong, I wouldn't trade a day of having my children....but to say that someone was selfish? I pretty much raised my children on my own while he worked all of the time. Selfish? Yeah. uh-hum....

[HejazSunKat]

Che made his choice to be with you...

And I'm of the firm belief that people choose what they really want. If having kids was an imperative for him he would not have chosen you.

I'm like Che, I wanted the person. My DH already had 2 kids from his first marriage and didn't want any more. Made that very clear: You want 'em, find another guy. Why didn't I do that? I wanted him more than I wanted kids. If kids were the most important thing to me I couldn't have married him because I would have been miserable in the marriage. He got what he really wanted Eva - you.

[funnybone]

I could/would never have had children without a spouse who wanted them as well. All kids have "fathers" (aka sperm donars) but I wanted my kids to have a dad.

[stefania4]

Wow - I'm still in the minority. I've always wanted to be childfree, but I'm crazy about babies! Always have been. I love to snuggle them and sniff their little heads and give them bottles and look at their little baby-bird imitations when they're hungry. I'm totally into buying little toddler outfits and toys and going to my niece's ballet recitals and so on.

For me, aunthood is the best of all worlds. And when the word selfish comes up, I always think (but never say) that what would be selfish is to have a child for no other reason than to satisfy someone else's expectations.

[Terri_A]

So here's a question - would those of you with kids have gone ahead and had one if you were single throughout the pregnancy and raising of said child? I am just curious because many of you reference time married in your decision making. Would your decision have been different without a husband?? Or do you feel that the clock/urge outweighed that? Because truthfully, with all the marriages that break apart, is having a child alone any worse for that child than having a difficult relationship with the father?

So, here's an answer to your question - No, I would not have had a child at the same age had I not been married at the time. I think the sense of security of my marriage ( or what I thought was secure ) was a factor in my biological clock ticking louder and louder. Also, had I known what was going on REALLY in my marriage, I would not have had a child. Don't get me wrong, I love my daughter tremendously and wouldn't change her for the world. However, being a single parent is harder than I ever imagined. It's lonely and it's frustrating, and it's hard. It's also different. In my house, it's Sabrina and I against the world. It's a diff't relationship, I would imagine, than it would have been had her father and I stayed together. My daughter is lucky - her father is very involved in her life and is a great Dad, despite having another child with another woman since our split. I truly believe the best thing for a child is 2 parents that live in the same house, share the same rules and love each other and the child mercilessly. That should be the dream. And if you can't have the dream, you've got to know how hard it is to do it alone. You have to weigh that in it's entirety. And I know that if I had been alone, I'd have never gotten pregnant intentionally.