A question for those who've had a miscarriage...

[Terri_A]

A dear friend of mine lost her baby yesterday. She was 9 weeks. They went in for a scheduled ultrasound and the baby no longer had a heartbeat. Her doctor wants her to wait for the fetus to naturally abort. Is that common or do most OBs do a D&C??? Also, is there anything that I can do to help her? I live across the country but my heart just breaks for her loss! This baby was very much wanted and was the result of her 5th in vitro fertilization. Any words of wisdom would be appreciated.

[Andrea_2]

Terri - I'm very sorry to hear about your friend's loss. :( My SIL had a similar experience recently, and the doctor gave her a choice of having a D&C, or waiting for it to occur naturally. She chose the D&C. Maybe your friend could ask the doctor what the reason is for wanting to wait? I haven't experienced this myself, so I'm not sure what the best thing is to do to help, but I'm sure others here will have some good advice.

[nowimcooking]

I've heard of doctors doing both. I've had two miscarriages -- one natural, but much earlier (7 wks), and one D&C. I think it would depend how long ago the heartbeat had stopped (which they can tell from the size of the fetus). When I had my D&C I thought I was 14 wks but the baby had stopped growing at 10, so they thought that was enough time to wait and didn't think it was going to happen naturally.

Please feel free to PM me if you want more info.

Lots of hugs to your friend, it's such a difficult thing to go through, and I can't imagine this after 5 IVF cycles. I really feel for her. :(

[615bride]

I'm PMing you.

[nowimcooking]

Oh, and as for what you can do to help her....talk to her, don't "give her space" unless she wants it. I felt like a leper around my friends with kids because they were so afraid to hurt my feelings that they just didn't really talk to me or want to do anything with me (I know they had the best of intentions, but I wanted to be around people and feel loved). Fix a meal and deliver it to her house (especially on the day of the D&C). Just be there. She needs to know that you're there for her.

I hate sympathy cards, but I got several and it actually really touched me that people took the time to send them.

[Cookin4Love]

I agree...just be there for her. There will be many people who brush off the miscarriage with really stupid platitudes. They will make her feel like she doesn't really have a right to grieve because her pregnancy wasn't at an advanced stage. That is, of course, bull poo. There is a website, www.missfoundation.org, which provides support to those who have lost children through miscarriage, stillbirth, or other causes after a live birth. My DD found great support there after her miscarriage. Everyone is different, so get a feel for what will comfort your friend. My DD really valued special Christmas ornaments engraved with the name she would have given her daughter had she lived. I also found a personalized print that said, "Safe in His arms," with a picture of a baby girl held in God's hands. In other words, if your friend wants to memorialize her baby, support her in doing so. If she doesn't, that's okay, too. Just keep caring for her and giving her as much time to talk about it as she needs to. (And...it's okay to cry with her, too.)

[Pony]

Terri!!!!!! (((to your friend)))

I told you already about our first loss in July. Not sure if I told you about our second in Oct :( Life sucks right now.

Anyways, I have too many friends who have been through what I've been through these days. It sucks, but it also helps knowing others understand. I've noticed everyone is different. I've had friends who don't want to say a thing about it, even kept it from their family. Carl and I, it is written all over our faces and could be heard in our voices. I totally agree w/ nowimcooking about "talk to her". Definitely TALK TO HER. Talking has been the only thing that has helped me get over it! (well, I'm never going to get over it, hmmm, maybe helped me become myself again) Same w/ Carl. It's hard for Carl and I b/c we have no family here. With the first m/c, Carl kept saying, "I wish someone would bring us mac-n-cheese" :p A good friend of ours did, but something that was really sweet was a good friend of ours sent us a meal from Home Bistro (http://www.homebistro.com/). Our friends are from FL and sent it to us with a thoughtful card. It was actuallly really good. They ended up m/c'ing a week after us and I baked them cookies. There might be other companies like them, but I thought it was good. They sent us raviolis, not sure how anything else tastes. Oh, they sent a chocolate dessert that was VERY good!!! Something like that or sending flowers....or something more upbeat if that is your friends personality. Send her a collection of fun movies to watch....I'm sure you get the idea. :)

Some ob's recommend natural and some recommend d&c. Mine were both natural, but it was just b/c that is how it happened. We never had a chance for the doc to decide. Having a m/c naturally is the worst pain I've ever felt. My friend had one natural and one d&c. She said the d&c was less painful, but emotionally just as bad, of course. I have read how women who have a handful (not sure how many) of d&c's can have scarring.

email me if you want more info!
michelle

[jmarie]

To her, this was a real thriving baby. She was only so far along, but already she was making plans....a name for the baby, the sex of the baby, the nursery, what names would we give granny and grandpa.

She is going to be hearing..."God took this little one for a reason"..."You'll have more"....But nothing/no one will replace this little one that she is carrying right now.

Make sure that she knows that you feel her pain , for all of the right reasons...that you understand her loss was a loss of a dream that was about to come true. Let her feel her true loss, don't diminish it.

I am so sorry that she is going through this.....What a great friend you are.

Joyce

[lindrusso]

To her, this was a real thriving baby. She was only so far along, but already she was making plans....a name for the baby, the sex of the baby, the nursery, what names would we give granny and grandpa.


Thanks for pointing that out - it's so true. The moment you find out you're pregnant, you start making plans and incorporating this little being into your life. It doesn't matter how far along you are, you are already loving and nuturing (you change you're eating habits, make doctor appointments, etc.) this little being.

I'm so sorry for your friend's loss. :(

[wallycat]

I did not have to have a D&C.
I was told to watch cramping/bleeding and the following period and if all was normal, not to worry about it. They did do a final blood test to make sure the hormones were dropping to pre-pregnancy level, but that was about the extent of follow up for me.

[Terri_A]

Thanks to all of you for sharing your experiences. I was so shocked yesterday when she told me that I didn't really say much to her. She told me she didn't feel like talking and would I call in a few days. I didn't completely honor her request, as I called yesterday and talked to her partner just to check on her. I was told then that they are calling the doctor today to request a D&C. She just doesn't feel like she can wait for it to happen naturally.

I completely understand how to her this was a real, living, thriving baby. I am a mother and certainly now how I considered DD from the moment I found out I was pregnant.

And Michelle!!!! I'm sorry it's happened again - if I'd known I'd have made you and Carl a wagonload of mac 'n cheese! :D I hope you are feeling better physically and that you are holding up okay? Perhaps a trip to the produce market would help? Let me know if you're game for it sometime soon!!!

[greta]

terri,

i know for me i wanted the d&c because i was feeling pregnant still (very nauseated) and i couldn't stand feeling that way knowing that my pregnancy was no longer viable.

i'm sorry for your friend...

greta

[testkitchen45]

I agree with Pony's posts about bringing food--lots of it. While I have not experienced a m/c, we thought we were close at one time, and it was emotionally so exhausting. Your friend is surely experiencing that and so much more; I hope you can take some of the practical tasks (like meals) off her hands. What a terrible situation for her and for all the others who have experienced that loss; I am thankful on her behalf that you are such a good friend to her.

[zackaboo]

This is a timely thread as my sister just had a miscarriage 2 days ago. She went in for a D&C yesterday. I appreciated the perspective from each of you who has been there before so that I know what she is feeling. Unfortunately we live far apart from each other so I can't be there to give her the big hug and physical support that I am sure she could really use right now.

[raka1214]

My two miscarriages were both natural with no time for a D&C but a dear friend of mine lost her baby at 13 weeks and chose the D&C. I went to the hospital with her and sat in that room holding her hand and crying right along with her. Afterwards - when they had moved her into her room I went to the store and bought her the baby book she had picked out but hadn't gotten a chance to buy yet. Took it to her the next morning and while she cried she was so pleased to be able to have something - ANYTHING - to remember this little one that she already loved so much.

I have called her every year on his birthday and just sit and talk to her. 5 years later it's still difficult but you can tell she benefited from remembering and memorializing rather than stuffing it away and acting as though it never happened.

Put yourself in her shoes and ask yourself what you wish someone would do for you if all your dreams had just been destroyed - then do those things as best you can.

[kelliek]

My miscarriage was natural, but took 3 weeks to complete. It was at 7 weeks and the doc didn't feel it necessary to do a D&C.

One of the people I most appreciated just called me every day for a while. Even if we didn't talk about the miscarriage, we just talked. It was nice to feel that connection with someone else. She and my mom were the ones that I felt most connected to through that process.

I like the idea of sending food even if from far away.

My thoughts are with her and her partner.

[Hoodone]

I experienced two miscarriages before I eventually had two beautiful girls. The first miscarriage was early at about 6 or 7 weeks so I aborted it naturally. The second was at 12 weeks and I had a D&C. These were both very difficult experiences for me. I'm not sure what anyone could have said or done to make me feel "better". We planted trees to honor these babies. Maybe you could offer to do this for your friend as an outward and visible gesture of your support. Then you could send her a picture of the tree each year in honor of the baby.