Invitation Etiquette Query

[Middydd]

I phoned and invited family members and friends for Thanksgiving dinner. Everybody accepted right away except for one person who I left a message for, this was Sunday. By Tuesday I hadn't heard back from them, I called a couple of times, only getting an answer by Thursday. By then I was sick with a miserable virus and canceled dinner.

Saturday, I felt up to shopping, reinvited all the original guests,told them dinner was back on for Sunday, they were all happy to attend. I called the person who hadn't returned my message, no answer, I didn't leave a message again.

Dinner was lovely. I was still not up to speed but made the effort.

A couple of weeks later I talked to the invitee who hadn't returned the first message and they raked me over the coals because they'd heard the dinner had gone ahead.

The invitee insisted I should have left a message saying the dinner was back on. I said they hadn't returned the first message, why would I leave another?

This is the third invitation the invitee has neglected to RSVP.

Any opinions? Would you have left a second message? Their only excuse for not returning the first message was "It was a busy week".

I've been reading the book "Walking on Eggshells", it seems to me this was one of those no-win situations the author describes.

[stefania4]

Whether it's the right thing to do or not, I would've done exactly what you did, which is consider a non-response to be a "no."

She's trying to say that you're rude for not accommodating her rudeness. Don't fall for it. It reminds me of someone I used to know know who figured everyone should know she runs a 1/2 hour late and plan accordingly.

[Ann1965]

I dearly hate it when folks say they've been busy! Who isn't busy these days?!? It doesn't take 2 minutes to pick up a telephone and leave someone a message. I think you did the right thing!

[Kristilyn1]

I'm confused. You called Invitee to invite. You then called to cancel. You called to say back on, but did not leave a message because they never responded to Calls one and two? Is that what happened?

Kristi

[pointerhaven]

This reminds me of my situation with some, friends, and I use that term lightly.

Long story short...they had a party at my house while i was out of town, i got mad told them so, they got mad at me for being mad and snubbed me at three functions, i left them out of a few functions, they got even madder, i called and invited all to a function, they never responded. i quit inviting them...end of story...

some people are just rude...don't sweat it you were right...

[Robyn1007]

Umm, they had a party at your house, with you not there? Are you kidding? I think it's a good thing they're not friends anymore.

Middy, I probably would have left one last message just because, but, I agree with your thinking. She didn't have the courtesy to call you back so you assumed she couldn't come, why would that have changed?

[Middydd]

I'm confused. You called Invitee to invite. You then called to cancel. You called to say back on, but did not leave a message because they never responded to Calls one and two? Is that what happened?

Kristi

They didn't respond to original invite, so I called repeatedly from Tuesday to Thursday to get ahold of them, reached them on Thursday. Canceled dinner.

Called (once) on Saturday to reissue invitation, no answer, didn't leave a message.

[Middydd]

Umm, they had a party at your house, with you not there? Are you kidding? I think it's a good thing they're not friends anymore.

Middy, I probably would have left one last message just because, but, I agree with your thinking. She didn't have the courtesy to call you back so you assumed she couldn't come, why would that have changed?

You know, I would have left a message but this was the third invitation (three separate events) that they had not responded to. The other two invites they waited for me to call them to ask if they were coming or not, then they declined at that point.

Maybe they think you only respond to invitations if you are going to attend, I have no idea.

[Middydd]

some people are just rude...don't sweat it you were right...

Thanks for the advice. I'm starting to think this person is being rude on purpose.

[Middydd]

I dearly hate it when folks say they've been busy! Who isn't busy these days?!? It doesn't take 2 minutes to pick up a telephone and leave someone a message. I think you did the right thing!

Thanks!!! Sometimes when people behave like this I start to doubt my own instincts.

[Middydd]

Whether it's the right thing to do or not, I would've done exactly what you did, which is consider a non-response to be a "no."

She's trying to say that you're rude for not accommodating her rudeness. Don't fall for it. It reminds me of someone I used to know know who figured everyone should know she runs a 1/2 hour late and plan accordingly.

Thanks for the confirmation. I've been putting up with this for awhile. Not anymore!!

[clairea]

All right, I'll go out on a limb and be the odd one out here. I think it was very rude of your guest not to respond to either of your messages. However, I probably would have left a message for them on Saturday. It really wouldn't have added any additional effort on your part -- you had already made the phone call, so unless you were planning a menu that was specific to the exact number of people attending it really wasn't that big of a deal. IMO, having to deal with people who don't respond to invitation is frustrating but part of entertaining. When I am not up for dealing with it, I either don't entertain or I don't invite those people. I'm not going to change other people, so I just control my little part of the world as best I can.

Looking at it from their perspective, though, I can see how it would appear that you intentionally didn't re-invite them on Saturday, and that would be hurtful. While in an ideal world they would understand the importance of responding to invitations promptly, they obviously don't, so when they heard the dinner had gone on without them they probably felt excluded and hurt without knowing why.

[daisylover]

I kind of agree with clairea. I understand your frustration over their non-response, but given that they knew they were invited the first time around (even though you didn't get a hold of them until it was the call to tell them the event was cancelled) it seems a little strange to not invite them when it was back on. If their pattern of non-response really bothers you, I would just not invite them at all in the future because I don't think you're going to change their behavior. If these are people that you value as friends, you need to decide which is more important, their friendship or their behavior. If you don't value their friendship, then I say you stop inviting them and just go on with your life.

[jrichards]

I agree with the last 2 posts. If some one did this to me, I'd interpret it as passive agressive mean behavior - an intentional direct snub. Especially if you are always good about includnig people, leaving messages, responding to others. I'd wonder why the pattern had changed in this case.

Even though they were totally wrong and rude to not respond to your original invites, I would have left them a message it was back on.

I guess by leaving that message you're also on the higher ground. You behaved nicely, and respectfully. If they decline to respond again, they're the ones who look tacky.

These situations are sure trying. I've definitey messed up my fair share!

Jennifer

[donleyk]

Okay, take this with a grain of salt because I am in a pi$$y mood this afternoon but I am of the opinion that Middydd would come off as rather needy to have yet again on Saturday to invite this person. I wouldn't follow up on a non response especially to extend an additional invite.

[Middydd]

Thanks for the posts with the point of view that I should have left a message. I try to see both sides of a situation but sometimes can't get beyond my own opinion.

I was at the point where I wasn't inviting them to any event, ever again. Your insights have opened the door to reconsidering that decision.

[daisylover]

Perhaps, donleyk. But since this same thing happened twice before with two other events, I'm confused about the anger over the situation. Once you can chalk up to a busy life. Time two, I would have said something to them. I would have explained that it's difficult to plan for food and such when someone doesn't respond in a timely manner. If they reacted negatively to that, I'd know not to invite them again in the future, since I appreciate timely feedback. See, I don't see this as about the non-responsive couple. If I need something that another person doesn't give, I don't expect the other person to change. I either change my own expectations/the way I plan for interacting with them or I accept the other people as they are.

[Kristilyn1]

I think your guest was rude to not respond to your invite. However, by bothering to call and tell them it was off, even though you never heard they were coming......and then purposely leave them off when it was back on, passive-aggressive. You wanted to make a point, which they will either get or not get. If you truly felt by not responding they were saying they weren't coming----why bother to cancel? Also, why bother to call again and not leave a message? "Sorry, you are not home right now so you are off the list". If you had chosen to not call at all, I guess that would be one thing, but by basically giving them one chance to be included, which apparently was some sort of test that they failed......seems a little petty.

Personally, I would have left a message that day and told them how I feel. Is there some kind of rule against having to tell friends how you feel? Or are they really supposed to guess by your behavior? If they are not worth a "hey, you are ticking me off by doing this", then they are not really a friend and I'd cross them off the list of people to bother with. However, if they ARE a friend, then I think they are deserving of being told why they are in the doghouse, no matter how obvious it may seem. That said, maybe this person is being purposely rude and still should be crossed off your list of friends.

Kristi

[daisylover]

Hey, I understand Middydd. We are good friends with a couple that sometimes makes decisions that bother us. Once, we had plans to go to dinner after a movie. When the movie was over, they said we had reservations at this rather expenisive restaurant. We hadn't heard about the reservations before, and at the time we were being careful about money, which they knew. We didn't say anything. When the bill came, they had a card that allowed them to take some amount off their bill. They could have applied it to all of the bill and then we could have split the bill, but they told the server to take the amount off their half. We were bothered for three reasons: one, they decided where we were going to eat without consulting us; two, they chose the place because they had a discount card that was going to expire that they didn't share with us even though they knew we were being careful about money; and three, they didn't consider that we were watching our money when they chose the place. These were all things we would have done.

We decided that we need to be more vocal up front; we could have told them we were hoping to go someplace less expensive. We also decided that they probably were excited to go someplace nice because they don't go out too often to nicer places because they have a young son. We can understand that they wanted to enjoy a night out with friends at a non-family style restaurant. And since these people let us stay with them for two weeks when we first moved, we know that they are there for us when it really counts, and it's not often you find that type of friendship. This was not the first time they've done something that irked us, but we've come to recognize that they aren't us, but that doesn't mean we aren't good friends.

[Middydd]

I think your guest was rude to not respond to your invite. However, by bothering to call and tell them it was off, even though you never heard they were coming......and then purposely leave them off when it was back on, passive-aggressive. You wanted to make a point, which they will either get or not get. If you truly felt by not responding they were saying they weren't coming----why bother to cancel? Also, why bother to call again and not leave a message? "Sorry, you are not home right now so you are off the list". If you had chosen to not call at all, I guess that would be one thing, but by basically giving them one chance to be included, which apparently was some sort of test that they failed......seems a little petty.

Personally, I would have left a message that day and told them how I feel. Is there some kind of rule against having to tell friends how you feel? Or are they really supposed to guess by your behavior? If they are not worth a "hey, you are ticking me off by doing this", then they are not really a friend and I'd cross them off the list of people to bother with. However, if they ARE a friend, then I think they are deserving of being told why they are in the doghouse, no matter how obvious it may seem. That said, maybe this person is being purposely rude and still should be crossed off your list of friends.

Kristi


I can see all your points, I'm cutting myself some slack because of being sick all week. After spending four days in bed I just wasn't up to dealing with a conversation about my disappointment in their not responding to invitations.

[Kristilyn1]

I can see all your points, I'm cutting myself some slack because of being sick all week. After spending four days in bed I just wasn't up to dealing with a conversation about my disappointment in their not responding to invitations.


well, god bless you for still having a houseful over. I would have left the whole thing as off!

Kristi

[Middydd]

well, god bless you for still having a houseful over. I would have left the whole thing as off!

Kristi

I was really worried that I'd give one of my guests the horrible virus I had but they all agreed that they'd take the chance because they love my cooking!!!

Thank heavens none of them got sick afterall.

Thanks for your kind words.

[Kristilyn1]

our cooking club is celebrating our 1 year anniversary tomorrow night and we actually almost never got off the ground because one of my guests and I both had bronchitis. Luckily, when she called me to discuss it we agreed that since it was our first dinner it would not bode well for our club if we canceled right off the bat and we were both a number of days into our treatments---so we went ahead and had it anyway--we sounded awful, but it went fine.

Kristi

[Clover]

It's interesting seeing the different points of view here. I don't know that there is really any right or wrong to what you did. But the invitee was someone who had not bothered to reply to an invitation on three consecutive occasions, and she had declined when finally cornered on the first two. If you had left a message when you called to say the dinner was back on, what are the chances she would have called back? Uh, maybe ZERO? You just would have been in another round of follow-up calls with no particular reason to think she would accept anyway. I think it's entirely understandable that when you didn't get a live answer that you would think "the hell with it" and not leave a message. And what's with her "raking you over the coals" for not inviting her a second time to a dinner she hadn't shown any interest in attending? Since when can you demand to be invited to things?

[tennismate]

This person didn't even call to ask how you were feeling!

[beacooker]

And what's with her "raking you over the coals" for not inviting her a second time to a dinner she hadn't shown any interest in attending? Since when can you demand to be invited to things?

I agree - this to me is the most egregious part of it.

[Terri_A]

You guys should check out the forums at www.etiquettehell.com - some of the stories there are HILARIOUS!!!

[Middydd]

This person didn't even call to ask how you were feeling!

A mutual friend raised that point. She said that the person in question should have called to see how I was, then she would have known dinner was back on, and all would have been well.

But I feel I can't expect everything from people, just basic courtesy.

I was thinking of the last social occasion we attended with the person who was miffed. It was a casual barbecue type dinner, everyone else was helping themselves to drinks, person in question expected the hostess to serve her drinks. She also lit up a cigarette at a table before people were finished eating, the other smokers had moved away to the end of the yard to smoke, she didn't bother. And she tried to pick an argument with another guest over an innocuous comment. I'd forgotten about these examples.