Can I ask for advice just one more time about my MIL?

[ChristyMarie]

So DH called her on Friday to discuss her behavior. She flat out denied ever doing anything wrong. She just emailed me about Christmas and said this:

I love you ChristyMarie and want us to be close and have a wonderful family life. Please forgive me for anything I have done to offend you and let's have a new start. We are so happy for your little family and so want a part in it. Do you want to make Gingerbread Men again this year??

For the record, we made gingerbread men last year together at my suggestion because I thought it would be an activity we would enjoy (I'm a very good baker) ~ instead I did *everything* wrong and it was an awful afternoon of frustration. They turned out awful and she blamed me. I now know she ommitted a very important step (letting the dough set in the fridge or freezer before rolling) as I've been looking for recipes to make on my own this year. Um...remember Marie purposely giving Debra the wrong recipe on Everyone Loves Raymond??? Yeah, MIL claimed she had no idea why the dough wouldn't roll or cut right and told me to keep adding flour and kneading. Remember, this was her recipe and I've never made a roll it out cookie dough before.

Anyways....the "easy" way out would be to respond that everything is fine, yadda yadda yadda.

The new "stand up for myself and not be treated like trash" part of me says that she doesn't get to let it go that easy because she'll just do the same thing again. And, DH didn't bring up her behavior towards our son, he was waiting to do that later (basically he lost his nerve). I'd like to lay out in writing what I feel she has done that is inappropriate, what I expect in the future, and what consequences there will be if she acts that way again.

UGH!!!

What would you do?

Edited to add: There's no way I'm making cookies with her again! So I guess I need to figure out how to say no. ;)

[tamawrite]

"UGH" is right! :( I don't have any advice for the larger issues, unfortunately, but if you do end up making gingerbread men, could you be politely "short on time" and make (and refrigerate!) the dough ahead of time?

[mcgeiger]

I'd like to say that I'd try, but I don't know if I could do it...maybe you could lay out some ground rules??? I'll be interested to hear what people that know about BPD say...
Whatever happens you are doing great and I hope the holidays turn out great for your family :cool:

[beckms]

Give her a break. I've been following your threads because I have my own (future)MIL issues to work out.

I think it probably took a lot of pride-swallowing for her to make that conciliatory move, no matter how underhanded you may think it is. Yes it's good that you're finally standing up for yourself, but it's also time to let her try to get back in your good graces. You each will have to give and take, and nothing's going to change overnight. BUt just as she has to change her ways, so do you have to allow her time to change.

I say, make the gingerbread with her, but don't go into it expecting to see "bad" behavior from her, because that's exactly what you'll see if you look for it. Instead, accept that it's going to happen and hope that you'll see just one display of good will and affection from her, even if it's not how you would have done it yourself. Does that make any sense?

She's going to be your MIL and your child's grandmother for a long time...and she's been the way she is for even longer. Give her a break for the holidays.

Good luck! :cool:

[beckms]

Ha. And now I will proceed to give myself the exact same advice. :rolleyes:

[Peggy]

I agree 100% with Rebecca. She said it very well. :) Good luck and try to find some good in this very difficult woman for your DH's sake. I know she is difficult but you both need to give alittle in order to develop a working relationship.

Peggy

[Peggy]

Ha. And now I will proceed to give myself the exact same advice. :rolleyes:

I think it is very good advice! You are on the right track.

Peggy

[KristiB]

I have no advice; I just want to say good luck and I'm sorry you have to go through this.

[testkitchen45]

I agree with beckms that you need to be open-minded, but let's follow the wisdom of Ronald Reagan with the USSR: "Trust, but verify." I've dealt with a person like this, and although your behavior needs to remain above reproach, you need to continue protecting yourself b/c if that's the way she is at her core, she did not magically change in the last two weeks.

I wouldn't put it in writing. Two problems: she'll have it forever to hold over your head, and, second, would you want that around if, God forbid, something happens to you? Your baby, when grown up, doesn't need to know the gory details of these altercations. Sketchy outlines, maybe, if/when appropriate, but not arguing in all its ugly detail. So no letters that hold this info. Also, Reason #3: if DH is losing his nerve, then your putting it in writing only solidifies your position as Evil Incarnate.

I'd e-mail her back, thanking her for the kind note. I'd say that let's not do Gmen this year because it was not a fun experience for both of us, and that DH and you are committed to making this a wonderful holiday season for all, including the baby, and that you're definitely going to remove yourselves from anything that looks like it's going to make the holidays unpleasant. I'd make it all cheery and sweet, with a definite meaning of "we've decided to put a halt on any unpleasantness"--just don't be so overt that your letter can someday cause one of the 3 problems I mentioned in the first place. And if she truly is trying to change, then putting harshness in writing would make it very difficult for her to continue.

Besides, anything you say or write is useless anyway until you put some teeth in it by firmly and peacefully walking away with the baby, or quietly and nicely gathering up the offending g'men dough & trashing it while saying, "you know, this is causing such grief b/w us, I'm getting rid of it"--the ACTIONS will convey the message more effectively anyway. Good luck; let us know how it goes (and I hope DH gets on the ball here, b/c the solution shouldn't originate with you).

[DeeK]

Instead of doing the gingerbread men (which already caused some problems), how about substituting something else. You could decorate already made cookies.

The kids would still have fun, but it wouldn't be frought with the bad memories of last year's gingerbread men.

[LaraW]

Christy, I haven't responded to some of your other threads because I felt like you got good advice there and I didn't really have anything to add.

I received an "apology" like this from my MIL several years ago - probably about 4 years ago. It was something like "I'd like to apologize for anything I may have said or done that you felt to be hurtful or unkind".

I totally understand the feeling of MIL wanting to "make a fresh start" and not really take responsibility for things, and wanting you to let her off the hook for the past. My MIL always said "why can't you just forgive and forget" and my point was always that she had never asked me to forgive her for X. If she had, maybe I would, but I would NEVER forget. (see my signature line too ;) )

One thing that DH and I did was to make a conscious decision that we would not do anything that could be perceived as not "doing our part". That means, to us, that we let them visit to see the kids, we send them birthday cards, pictures of the kids, etc.

Anyway, my point with all this is just to tell you that DH and I have been there, and have come through it somewhat. We do not have a close relationship with them, but we do see them a few times a year and DH talks to them every couple of months. We can have a civil conversation, but we do talk about very neutral topics and don't really share much about our personal lives. I try to stay very neutral with our kids because I don't want to pass my bad feelings about things off onto my kids.

I would suggest that you make the gingerbread people with her, and try to make the effort. I know that's probably not waht you want to hear, but she is going to be your MIL for a long time, and your DS's grandmother for a long time. Maybe you can do the baking ahead of time, and you can just decorate them together, and that would take some of the stress off of it.

Maybe not what you wanted to hear, but if you can show her you are willing ot make an effort she may eventually come around. My MIL hasn't completely but things are better than they were.

Sorry this is so long!

[GingerPow]

My advice: forgive but do not forget. If she wants to make amends, fine - but do something that doesn't chain you to your kitchen should the endeavour go south again. Do something neutral.

Go Christmas shopping and lunch, for instance. If she starts again, you can always call an end to the activity. She could make comments, but if your reaction is to tell her how her words hurt you or ask her why she would say such a thing, she might think about it before she creates turmoil again.

People like this hate to be seen as the bad guy, that's why they are sneaky. They like to spew their venom, but not get caught at it. If you take the direct (not angry) approach of telling her that her words are hurtful, and ask her why would she say something like that - she is responsible for her words and cannot convilute it into something else.

So, give her another chance, hope for the best but don't let your guard down. And whatever you do, if something needs to be addressed express yourself directly, honestly and calmly or she will turn it upside down and play your victim. It would be nice to think that you could end up being a great teacher for her.

[raka1214]

ChristyMarie - I have the original MIL from H*** and I have not posted on any of your other threads because I felt like things had been handled but feel as though I need to add something here.

You have been mistreated at this womans hand for a long time - as has the rest of YOUR family. Because of this she has obtained the reputation within yourself of never going to change, always going to be mean/snide/hypocritical/lying/passive agressive, etc. and so you will ALWAYS go into any situation with her with this mindset - you can't help it. BUT, you are going to have to change that way of thinking. You don't want to raise your child dreading his time with his grandmother - you want to present to him that she is the best grandmother around - 2nd only to your own mother of course ;) Besides that you take the high road now, after you have said your peace and she has offered up the olive branch - you come out the winner in the long run. She will always remember that you didn't hold a grudge and she will always remember that you were the bigger person and she will ALWAYS remember that you gave her a second chance.

Now, I'm not telling you to continue to put yourself in a situation where it is unlivable. If she continues to act the way she has or worse - simply stand by what you have said. Laying more rules on her right now could be detrimental to your, hopefully, budding relationship. I know the desire is there to just lay into her and tell her exactly what it is you want her to know but - baby steps my dear, baby steps.

Good luck - I want more than anything for it to turn out well with you in this situation. So many families are torn apart because of snide comments, unacceptable behavior and unforgiveness - you have a chance for your family to be different than that.

With regard to the gingerbread men, make up the dough ahead of time and have it ready to go - just tell her you wanted to make sure you guys had plenty of time and with the baby you never know when he is going to need your attention.

[beckms]

Do something neutral.

Go Christmas shopping and lunch, for instance. If she starts again, you can always call an end to the activity.

I like the idea of doing something out of the kitchen...the kitchen can be a very territorial place, fraught with emotion and feelings of how to do something "right."

Ever watch Everybody Loves Raymond? I think it is such a popular show because there are so many women out there who feel like Deborah. :p

[DmOrtega]

... I'd like to lay out in writing what I feel she has done that is inappropriate, what I expect in the future, and what consequences there will be if she acts that way again.
...


It seems to me your dh already talked with her. She apologized. It looks genuine to me. I'd let it go. If you have issues with her later, deal with them at the moment. Don't wait for it to blow out of proportion.

[pointerhaven]

I'm sorry you are going through this and wish that everyone had a MIL like mine. She was wonderful to me and I loved her dearly. I still miss her, especially her cooking and us cooking together.

Good luck

[boisewinesnob]

I think it probably took a lot of pride-swallowing for her to make that conciliatory move, no matter how underhanded you may think it is. Yes it's good that you're finally standing up for yourself, but it's also time to let her try to get back in your good graces. You each will have to give and take, and nothing's going to change overnight. BUt just as she has to change her ways, so do you have to allow her time to change.

I say, make the gingerbread with her, but don't go into it expecting to see "bad" behavior from her, because that's exactly what you'll see if you look for it. Instead, accept that it's going to happen and hope that you'll see just one display of good will and affection from her, even if it's not how you would have done it yourself.


Great words of wisdom.

I agree with her and Lara. And I like Dee and Gingerpow's ideas about doing something else. If I were you, I know I wouldn't want to do shopping or lunch, but maybe there is a class at WS or something like that, where there is a definite starting and stopping time, so you wouldn't feel "trapped" by endless shopping or whatever if things were getting uncomfortable for you.

FWIW the person in my family who I'm dealing with would NEVER write an email like your MIL did and even though it may not be 100% genuine, at least she is trying (in her own way) to get along with you.

[buffygirl]

I have not read the other responses so forgive me if I duplicate...

I think I would err on the side of being nice and truly start over. Try to let go of all of the things she's done wrong. It took a lot for her to apologize.

Also, and I say this with true compassion for what you are going through, we women tend to be extra sensitive about our little ones. I can't remember exactly how old your little man is, but know that you will probably lighten up just a bit where he is concerned. I got into an absolute knock down drag out with my mom when Rex was about 4 months old. (FWIW my mom has some similar personality traits to your MIL.) I look back (he is now 15 months), and the result would not be such a huge falling out. I was hyper sensitive at the time, mom was trying to establish her role as "grandmother ruling the roost" and we had a big clash. Today if she said the same comment that caused the ruckus, it would probably get an eye roll from me and be over.

Just another perspective. I'm not trying to invalidate your feelings or say you are wrong, just another perspective.

Hugs,
Kim

[Middydd]

People like this hate to be seen as the bad guy, that's why they are sneaky. They like to spew their venom, but not get caught at it. If you take the direct (not angry) approach of telling her that her words are hurtful, and ask her why would she say something like that - she is responsible for her words and cannot convilute it into something else.



From dealing with a person very similar to this I've found out that they *can* and do and will try to change their words into meaning something else. Often in the same conversation. I've seen it happen over and over again.

Another thing they'll try is to blame you for their mean words. Saying something like they had to say something mean because you did first, when you didn't.

Very tricky to deal with people like this. I have no advice just sympathy.

[Vanessa]

Your MIL did apologize and the holidays are here. Life is so very short at times. Accept her apology and if you don't want to bake with her fine then do something else. Its harder for older people to take that step and apologize at times. In the spirit of holidays graciously accept her apology and give her another chance. If things start getting bad again before it escalates say something.

[Cookin4Love]

People can--and do--change. I'd take it at face value and give it a go. I don't want to make this about me, so will keep this short, but my in-laws absolutely hated me for 20 years. They showered attention on one grandchild (not one of our kids) and ignored ours completely. They treated me terribly, especially after my husband was seriously injured in a car accident. (MIL actually asked if she would get him back now that he wasn't as good as he was before :eek: ) Through the years, we decided to treat them just as if they treated us the way we wished they did--much like Laraw. We had to swallow our hurt and anger many times. However, after 20 years, our youngest DD told her that she'd had enough, and she wasn't going to see them ever again if they didn't change their ways. It opened up the dialogue, and MIL apologized profusely. We have now become extremely close--and it's all genuine. In fact, DH was at their house Saturday, and she brought it up again. She just said that, looking back, she can't imagine how she ever justified her actions in the first 20 years of our marriage. Because we didn't burn any bridges, it has opened the door to true happiness and joy within the family.

I think you need to be cautiously optimistic, but don't ever give up hope.

[Taeler]

If you feel you'd really like something in writing then I'd establish your house rules. I think that your baby might be quite young, in which case you could just say that you are preparing as a family to test run these rules and have them in place for all of your children. Print them on nice paper and frame them, then hang them in the family room or kitchen. Invite her over to decorate cookies and when she arrives welcome her warmly, walk her to the rules and explain what they are. These rules should address the poor behavior she has exhibited, and they will keep you and DH accountable and above reprimand. Sorry this is strssing you out over the holidays!

[beckms]

Print them on nice paper and frame them, then hang them in the family room or kitchen. Invite her over to decorate cookies and when she arrives welcome her warmly, walk her to the rules and explain what they are. These rules should address the poor behavior she has exhibited, and they will keep you and DH accountable and above reprimand. Sorry this is strssing you out over the holidays!

I know this advice is well-intentioned, but I would NOT do this if I were you, ChristyMArie. Printing it on nice paper and putting it in a frame doesn't make it any less of an ambush or public humiliation. Plus, it sounds EXACTLY like something your MIL would do to you as in "Wasn't it mature and open-minded of me to tell you so nicely exactly what's wrong with you?"

I don't think she'll see it as a wake-up call, I think she'll see it as a mean-spirited way of alienating her when she's in your home.

I say this in the nicest way possible: do you think you may have gotten a little obsessive about this by now? It sounds to me like you're looking for a fight...if you go into it with that mindest, you'll definitely get one. :cool:

[Taeler]

beckms- you can reply to this on a different thread, cause I don't want to hijack this one, but how did your exams go? I hope they went well!

Now, about this subject, I'm going to stick by my original reply because every house does need house rules. These just happen to be developed at the time you realize that people are playing by their own rules on your home turf. If you don't smoke and someone tried to light up in your house would you not tell them to please take it outside? I have inlaws like this, you can't deal with them verbally because it becomes a verbal sparring match, or they escalate too quickly and it becomes unproductive. Maybe you don't walk her over to them, maybe you let her find them (post them on the fridge and let her get the butter). Or you could find a list that you agree with on a family oriented website (they are all over the place- just google "house rules") so it won't be too pointed and you could always say "oh! yes I found these on such-and-such, aren't they a great idea?!"

Maybe I'm just a neurotic list-maker, but our house rules work wonderfully for us! For example, one of my friends son's is quite out of control, but before he comes over we recite the rules and if he begins to break them I remind him of the rules gently, and if he willfully disobeys he is punished accordingly. Hasn't failed me yet!

[summer02]

I'd also give her another chance, but turn it into something less likely to be traumatic for you. As an example, agree that you'd like to do the gingerbread, but say that you've found a recipe for rolled sugar cookies that you'd like to try as well - put her in charge of the gingerbread dough while you manage the other. Or better yet have a friend or two with you who just happen to want to learn to make cut out cookies from an "expert" ;)

I also wouldn't e-mail or write anything down. I'd leave well enough alone and just deal with things as they happen. Easier said than done, but I've also found that it helps to try to see the humor in whatever has happened or will happen - my friend's love to hear the "OMG I can believe they did that" stories that I can tell and it helps me to laugh about them.

[Luv to Cook]

I wholeheartedly agree with not writing ANYTHING down. I was that silly DIL who wrote something down. I did not have the guts to tell my MIL not to take DD our of her carseat while we were driving, so I wrote it in a letter. BIG, HUGE mistake. I still have it over my head (over 3 years later). MIL still is waiting for my to apologize for telling her what to do with DD (this is the first time I ever stood up for myself with MIL, since I never had the guts to do so for myself). I wish I had never, ever put pen to paper.

Anyhow, just wanted to agree about never writing anything. I think you have gotten some good advice. Stay strong and just see what happens and try and enjoy the holidays.

Good luck and sorry you have to deal with this.

[zwieback]

I agree with accepting her apology and moving on. I haven't followed all of your threads regarding this matter too closely, but didn't both you and your DH confront your MIL already? I think that if you take the side of "I have to stand up for myself and say something," this cycle will never end. Of course, speak your mind when you feel it necessary -- if she hurts your feelings, puts your child in harms way, etc. But, if the situation has been addressed, there has to be a "bigger person", if you will, especially when the offending party apologized. You and your DH stated your peace with MIL. MIL apologized. Accept it and move on. Perhaps this will start things anew. Whether or not MIL really meant her apology or not, only time will tell. If it turns out that she honestly meant it, the worst that can happen is that you found a new and healthy relationship with MIL. If not, at least you gave it a try and you and your DH won't ever kick yourselves saying, "what if." As someone else pointed out, life is short.

Good luck with everything.

[SDMomChef]

There are some very wise BBers! :D I agree with the sentiments of giving MIL a chance - and not responding to her in writing. Don't expect the worst, but don't expect the best either - look for babysteps. Forgiving is one of the hardest things to do - particularly when MIL has been so hurtful. Best of luck to you!

[Molli526]

ChristyMarie-

I have gotten one of those apologies before, actually last Christmas, b/c MIL wanted the family Christmas to be "perfect" with all of us getting along. I accepted it to make DH happy. DH and I both know that she didn't really mean it - just that she wanted things to look hunky-dory and to see us on Christmas. We've haven't seen her much this past year - only for big events (DS's birth/baptism, DS's B-day) She is all about appearances, and this year, we are not going there for Christmas. I think my MIL is like your MIL, and she will focus on only one part of a well thought out, well written e-mail. My MIL just starts crying and making a scene when DH tries to talk to her (Woe is me, etc. etc.)

I guess what I am trying to say, is that you don't have to have her over to do Gingerbread Men if you don't want to. Let it be a tradition of *your* family.

Yes, my MIL will be around for quite some time, but she also doesn't have to ruin our holidays with her actions. We can limit the amount of time she spends with us due to her actions.

I don't think you MIL's apology is sincere.

[ChristyMarie]

I don't think you MIL's apology is sincere.

Apparently my DH agrees with you. I forwarded her email to him. He has composed a very long email to her, letting her know EXACTLY what he was talking about during their phone conversation so there is no wiggle room for I didn't do that, I don't remember that, etc. I guess he's put up with his mother's stuff for long enough to know when she's faking an apology. He also clearly outlined the type of behavior we expect from her - both towards us and our son.

I'm very proud of him. Both for standing up for me and for following through and not letting his mother weasel out of owning up to her actions.

Thank you all for your suggestions. When we do finally get together again I will be keeping all the "be the better person" advice in my mind.

[emptyspool]

Does SHE want to make gingerbread men again? I noticed she asked you if you wanted to, she didn't say SHE wanted too. Maybe it was really awful for her too and maybe she would love an out.

I would ask her what she thinks, would there be something else that might be more successful and easier/less work for her and suggest maybe the two of you could come up with something together that would work. Or let her choose something. Sometimes you have to give up control to get control...

Good luck!!

[mst]

You can't change another person. You can get them to modify their ways a bit, but you can't change anyone.

At a point, you have to realize what is progress and effort for someone else, and appreciate that. I think your MIL is trying- she apologized, and tried to suggest a "team building" type activity. She's trying to make a fresh start with you. What more do you want?

Start fresh, and deal with new problems as they arise. Just remember, you really can't change anyone else. No matter how many times you confront her, she will never be who you want her to be.

As for the gingerbread men, perhaps you could ask her to "show" you how to do it, since it did not work out well last year. In some way or another, you have to concede a bit too.

IL's are tough. Believe me, I know! ;)

[LA98]

People can--and do--change.

This is absolutely true, people can and do change...but not overnight they don't! I've read the other posts with interest but didn't post: I've got a family member with a narcissistic personality, and what they do is spin you to try and keep you off balance. Maybe I'm cynical, but that's what I think is happening here. I think the apology is more strategic than sincere (in other words, it could be used against you in the future, such as "See, I reached out to you and tried to make things better, I'm the bigger person, etc :rolleyes: ) I've been burned many, many times by the same person and so it is hard to believe a "change" that comes about so quickly. I'd be super-cautious and wait to see how she behaves next time.

All that said, if your husband is the one sending the detailed "here's what you did" email, I think I'd reply saying that you also want a family who can get along together. I'd also try to be open to some sort of holiday activity, maybe trimming the tree or something, but I sure as heck wouldn't repeat the baking activity, if only because of the memories it would bring up for you as you were doing it! Good luck.

[JellyBean22]

What exactly does she do when she holds the baby that gets him so upset? She does sound a little wacky, but if you never let her hold him this is going to be a never ending thing and she'll probably go out of her way to cause you as much grief as possible.

If the cookie baking thing was so unpleasant I wouldn't do it again either. Holidays are stressful enough.

[jmarie]

Whether you think her apology is sincere, or not, you have to give her a chance because she did apologize. She may now see that she isn't going to bulldoze her way through your life and wants a second chance.

May I suggest finding a good Ginger Bread cookie recipe and going over it until you practically know it by heart, thereby making it fool proof so that she can't set you up for failure? The compromise here, is that yes, you will make the cookies, but she has to use YOUR recipe.

Just a thought.

[Beth]

I do sympathize, but I agree with the majority here that you are talking about family, she has made an effort and you need to do the same. LaraW said it well in deciding to always do her part. Take the high road and you will have no regrets later.

Written rules may help you clarify your communication, but they are more likely to come back and bite you when at a least opportune moment and create more hurt that they can ever do good. Make some notes, sit down over coffee and lunch and try to talk to her without getting emotional. Keep in mind that this is really best for you and your family if it is a productive discussion. Don't be accusing, don't be harsh. Spend some time thinking about how you can suggest little tweaks to make things better rather than just attacking her and every little thing she does. Make it positive, and don't give any criticism unless you have a suggestion for something better that is realistic and can be offered in a compassionate way. Give her a chance.

Also, take some time to reflect. Children of all ages, but especially younger ones, take emotional cues from their parents. I would be willing to bet that at least part of all this upset with your son is coming from what he senses from you. There are ages and stages when little ones have separation anxiety, but even then, parents give them cues and can help them ease through it rather than feed the anxiety.

I suspect that your "no way that witch will touch my baby" attitude is being picked up on by your son without a word said. You may be telling him to fear her and to hate her just by the energy your body transmits to him. You owe it to your son to keep your emotions in check and give him a chance at having a relationship with his grandparents. It won't be the same as his relationship with you, and she won't do things the way you do and visa versa -- but that's okay. You can all adapt and accept the differences. You deal with them, get frustrated or irritated from time to time, then you smile and remember when they are gone that you dealt with them because they loved you and you loved them -- and family is a mixed blessing sometimes. I wouldn't expect people to change so much -- but relationships certainly can.

Today, be thankful you have grandparents for you and your son to have issues with. My mom lost her father before she was married and I barely knew my dad's parents. My DH lost his dad before we were married and his mom while both boys were quite young. My youngest has no memories of her at all. My parents are dealing with Alzhiemer's and cancer. They have shed tears over the grandparents they didn't know, and they will shed more over the ones they will lose too son. Time is precious, and we don't get it back. Make the best of it.

[Beth]

About the cookies -- ask if it's something she would enjoy. If you want to try gingerbraed, may I suggest the gingerbread reindeer as a first go at it. Very easy to roll balls of dough and stick on raisin eyes, a red hot nose and pretzel antlers -- and kids love 'em. Keep it simple and it's easier to have fun.

[beckms]

Make some notes, sit down over coffee and lunch and try to talk to her without getting emotional. Keep in mind that this is really best for you and your family if it is a productive discussion. Don't be accusing, don't be harsh. Spend some time thinking about how you can suggest little tweaks to make things better rather than just attacking her and every little thing she does. Make it positive, and don't give any criticism unless you have a suggestion for something better that is realistic and can be offered in a compassionate way. Give her a chance.



I suggest that if you're going to try to have a discussion targeting her behavior and how she could tweak it to improve your relationship, then it would probably go a long way to also suggest some ideas about changing your own behavior toward her to help make her feel better. That way it'll be more like working together instead of you attacking her. She might appreciate the fact that you are acknowledging your own role in the relationship troubles. Even if you don't feel you contribute anything negative...make something up! ;)

[clairea]

Like most of the others, I think you accept the apology, try to move on, but don't forget her past actions so much that you leave yourself open to future abuse. IMO, it is better not to get involved in any discussion with your in-laws about whatever problems you have with them. Take these issues up with DH, and let him handle it with his parents (and if he doesn't, then that is something that you and he will have to figure out, even if it is to the point of deciding whether you can live with him not handling it or not). Like Lara suggested, I have taken the route of not doing anything that can be interpreted as making the situation worse, and for me that includes not discussing the problems. If things are brought up, I don't say "oh, nothing is wrong" because that is not true and I have found it can come back to haunt you. I simply say "I'm sure we can find something else to discuss," and will physically leave if necessary.

You owe it to your son to keep your emotions in check and give him a chance at having a relationship with his grandparents.

This is very good advice. DH's parents had issues with his mother's parents, and it is really sad to see how that has carried over to DH's feelings about his grandparents. He feels like he would be disloyal to his mother (who is deceased) to see his grandparents at all. DH and I have a lot of difficulty with his parents, but having seen how DH struggles with that I don't ever want my children to have to feel like they have to choose between me and their grandparents (yes, I know who they would choose ;) but why should they have too). It is very hard to bite my tongue sometimes, but I just remind myself I am doing it for my kids, not for my ILs.

[Beth]

I suggest that if you're going to try to have a discussion targeting her behavior and how she could tweak it to improve your relationship, then it would probably go a long way to also suggest some ideas about changing your own behavior toward her to help make her feel better. That way it'll be more like working together instead of you attacking her. She might appreciate the fact that you are acknowledging your own role in the relationship troubles. Even if you don't feel you contribute anything negative...make something up! ;)

I agree completely.