You won't believe what my MIL said.

[ChristyMarie]

Remember me? :p

Ok, here's (http://community.cookinglight.com/showthread.php?t=97810) the last update post on the situation.

So last Saturday we emailed MIL and FIL a very long, very well thought out email telling them what the issues were specifically and what we wanted to happen - basically that we wanted to discuss it with them and figure out how to get along peacefully while acknowledging what had happened.

MIL never responded but FIL did. He actually went to see a counselor on Thursday (he did not tell MIL, she would have flipped) and he had a very good conversation with DH yesterday. They talked for about an hour and let's just say that MIL has been feeding him lies about what DH and (mostly) I have been doing *to* her for some time. FIL now sees the light so to speak and has suggested that when they come for Christmas they just come in for a few hours then drive home. YAY!!!!!!!!!! He said that no one is ready for an extended overnight visit and we agree.

However, one thing that MIL told FIL REALLY bothers me. She said that during our conversation (http://community.cookinglight.com/showthread.php?t=97254) when I confronted her about her behavior I yelled at her to get the h*** out of my house because I found her completely disgusting!!! Not only did that never happen but I had been sick and had just about lost my voice that weekend - I wasn't yelling at anybody.

I can't believe she would tell him I said that. I'm also assuming they have told SIL (and all her friends) I said that. I am livid. I know she'll never admit that she lied. I know I'll never get an apology. I would never say something like that to anyone - even her - it just isn't in my nature and to have people believe that I said that is just... :( :mad: However, it does explain FIL's awful behavior to me that day - which he now feels horrible about.

FIL and DH left it where MIL needed to call DH and discuss and then all of us need to discuss before they come visit at Christmas. DH said he'd give her about a week to do that then probably try calling her. If FIL confronts her about all her lies (and actually doesn't back down and "believe" her again) it will be quite a big step towards maybe getting past all this horrible behavior. FIL also agreed to see the counselor again now that he has the entire (true) story.

[Robyncz]

What a nightmare. But also what a relief that FIL is making an effort to know the truth and to handle it in a healthy way. He's really in the middle of everything now. A very difficult position!

I'm guessing that your MIL may not think she's lying. She is filtering everything she hears through her brain--and it's possible she remembers the situation exactly how she reported it to your FIL. As frustrating (and twisted) as it may be, she may think she's being honest. I have someone in my family who does the same thing, and I've found that it's almost impossible to address an event after the fact, because she can make it into something entirely different from what actually happened. On the other hand, dealing with an event WHILE it is happening is also impossible because she's angry and unreasonable. So, we don't deal with it at all and she gets away with everything. Which, admitedly, is not good for anyone. If you find a better way, please let me know!

Good luck to you. At least FIL gets it now, and that should make planning easier in the future. But I sure feel sorry for him!

[GingerPow]

ChristyMarie - nothing you wrote here surprises me one iota. Is it bad form to quote oneself? I will anyway. From 11/6 ChristyMarie's baptism thread (http://community.cookinglight.com/showthread.php?t=97254&highlight=baptism)
Good for you for standing up to the MIL. I am sure that MIL manipulates FIL so he is sucked into her version of the truth regarding your behavior. Same goes for SIL. It's easier for them to behave as if her world makes sense rather than deal with Mom's reaction to her worldview being questioned.

I'm sure this has left your DH with the need to seek therapy - it sure did for my brother and I as we came from a similar family situation. It leaves one wondering whose viewpoint is eskew. :confused: Truth and reality are something to be manipulated by personalities like your MIL, it teaches kids not to trust their own perceptions.
This is not an "I-told-you-so" but more of "Been there!" I had a feeling she'd color this picture so that it would sound as if you were the bad guy. Give your FIL time with this, he has been believing her version of the 'truth' for a long time now. It's almost like someone rescued from a cult, they go through a period of readjusting to reality from what they have been told to believe.

Good luck with this situation. Personally, I have had my fill of personalities like this. Be strong and continue to speak the truth.

[cumulus]

Congratulations on being one step closer to ending this fiasco. Bravo to your FIL for seeing the truth behind the lies. Thoughts and prayers are with you! Good luck at Christmas.

[wallycat]

It's a shame toxic family members (or any toxic people) can't simply be ignored and avoided. Who needs and wants to invest this much time on someone who not only resents it, doesn't plan to change after all is said and done.

I feel your pain.
I haven't spoken to my twin (evil) sister for 12+ years. I just (I am still stunned) got a letter from her 2 days ago and am numb with indecision..do I venture into the agony of that world or just continue with my decent life.

I wish you luck. I guess my only words of wisdom are to spend as little time and energy on her. If everyone around her realizes she has these control/rant/lie issues, WHY defend something people already know might be schlock. Your DH knows what his mother is like and now his father does too....invest time on things that matter.

[Molli526]

ChristyMarie-

That is great news your FIL has had some counseling and realized what his wife is up to.

[Peweh]

WOW!!

I have a SIL like that. She poisoned her whole bridesmaid party against me for things I was supposedly doing or not doing regarding her wedding planning. I still 5 years later don't trust a word she says.

Thanks for sharing the updates. I am glad the truth finally got out for you and wish you luck when FIL confronts her.

[mcgeiger]

My first thought with the title was "of course I'll believe it!"

I'm glad your FIL is trying, hopefully between DH and FIL helping out Christmas will be better! Keep us updated and good luck!

[misskitty100]

Just wishing you good luck and peace of mind!

[kelliek]

Good luck ChristyMarie. My MIL is also a BPD as far as all my DH's therapists have diagnosed from hearing about her. I can tell you that I never got any apologies for her crazy outbursts in the early years of our marriage, but we have hit the point where we know the boundaries and she seems to live with them. DH and I are on the same page in that we minimize exposure to his parents and keep them in a little compartment in our lives. It is better these days, but I've learned never to trust MIL and to always keep my eye on her. I have already warned DH though, that while I expect him to stand up to himself when MIL treats him badly, the moment she makes our son feel bad (and I'm sure it will happen one day), she and I will be having a confrontation.

You've probably already read too many books, but I read
Understanding the Borderline Mother: Helping Her Children Transcend the Intense, Unpredictable, and Volatile Relationship by Christine Ann Lawson just before my son was born and it was very helpful. It did allow me to recognize the behaviors that frankly MIL probably can't help herself with and help me to take her behaviors less personally. I've found it helps me to have some emotional distance from the drama. It also helps me to live 1500 miles away. ;)

Good luck!

[foodlady]

Christy --

I am so, so glad your FIL is seeing a counselor and sees the truth of what's happening with your MIL. That is HUGE!!!

Understanding bpd does help in these encounters. Of course she lies to people about you...that's what someone with bpd does. The wonderful thing is that your FIL isn't listening anymore.

((HUGS))

[DmOrtega]

Hmmm.... I'm getting some different vibes here and I think you may have cracked the ice, so to speak, but do you want to break the entire iceberg?

...MIL never responded but FIL did. He actually went to see a counselor on Thursday (he did not tell MIL, she would have flipped)...

... FIL also agreed to see the counselor again now that he has the entire (true) story.

I may be way off base here, but it sounds like there are issues way beyond what you can control. Keeping visitations limited seems like a very prudent way of dealing with this, where you and your child is concerned. Whatever the problems are or may have been, with you and her, are now out in the open. IMO, I would just be polite to her and let FIL and DH work it out.