Mama's loaded for bear!

[GingerPow]

In other words, Ginger's gotta vent! :mad:

Bear with me, this is a long read:

DD2 is a sophomore in high school. There is a particular girl in school with her who she has been in school with since the 4th grade. This little 'darling' has tormented DD since she was the new kid in class in the 4th grade. BTW, my DD is a gentle, petite little thing who wouldn't hurt a fly. If I posted pictures of her, you'd say 'aaawww.' :)

This kid made such a program out of this behavior, not just with DD but other girls, that some of them actually changed schools. (Eventually we gave DD this option, but much to her credit she opted to finish the school she started in).

This girl is a master of manipulation - when my DD would defend herself that girl would whine and manipulate the teachers into thinking that my DD was the bully. Yes, I spoke with the teachers who would just give me a blank look. The other kids knew what was going on, DD's friends would visit the house and talk about it, sadly the teachers were clueless.

It was particularly terrible by 7th grade, when it can be a tough time anyway. This girl made sure that 7th grade was hell for my DD. When I told DD I was going to talk with this girl's mother, she begged me not to because it would make it worse. Should I have listened to DD, or should I have said I'm addressing it with the mother anyway? Tough call during an intense time like that. I didn't talk to the mother, but my hand was on that phone more than once.

By the time DD was in 8th grade, there was still an occasional incident, but DD was learning how to deal with her and gaining confidence. I was totally frustrated by that point - during a conference I blasted the homeroom teacher for her and the other teachers not having their eyes open to this girl's behavior and allowing my DD to have to deal with this treatment. (BTW, this was a Catholic school where DD had all of the teachers in the course of the day since grade 6. This homeroom teacher was also her English teacher since grade 6).

It is fair to say that since this was a Catholic school, I had hoped for more of a Christian ethic to have been displayed there, not just given lip service. I was disappointed.

DD went to high school, and this girl's behavior changed. Now she is playing ditzy and cute - the kids who didn't know her before high school are being sucked into her new personality. The kids who did know her see right through it.

Yesterday, some of the kids threw crushed Cheerios into the little darling's locker. Apparently it was quite a mess. My DD had nothing to do with it, but was laughing about it with her friends.

So, little darling throws a fit, and who does she decide is the culprit? My DD - probably because she still considers her to be the easy target. However, DD has learned how to stand up for herself since elementary school, told her to be quiet, she didn't do it.

I told DD if ANYTHING is pursued with this situation, if anyone calls her into the office, says anything to her to indicate she had something to do with it or if this manipulative little weasel tries to make herself DD's victim, CALL ME immediately. I want in on this.

I'll have the vice-principal call this girl's mother in and we'll have a little chat. I've pushed up my sleeves, fists are clenched and I'm ready to do battle. I am so ready to tell this mother to get her head out of her a$$ and realize who her DD is. I'll fill her in, I've got years of stories saved up. I discussed this with DD, she doesn't care what I say at this point because she not afraid of this girl anymore.

It helps that DD feels like this is "her" school - we have known the faculty of this high school since my oldest DD went there (graduated in '04). They know our family and are more on the ball than the elementary school. This is also a Catholic school, and my years of experience with them has demonstrated that they DO teach with the true Christian values. (As I try to do in life, with mixed results). ;)

I'm just venting here, I guess. I'll be interested in any similar experiences you may have had. All input is appreciated. Thank you for reading this far down! :)

[testkitchen45]

I've been there, both as a kid who was picked on but didn't develop the backbone to deal with it until 8th grade (had the fatal combination of top grades plus poor social skills in elementary b/c was almost a year younger than rest of class; 8th grade and after were just peachy), and as a mom who has dealt with similar little monsters over the years in my kids' classes (and, thank God, thru dealing w/ boundary issues similar to those posted on the MIL-from-he!! threads, was able to teach my kids great coping skills, similar to your DD's). So I can relate to your situation on a few levels. To summarize: you go, Mom!!! :rolleyes:

You're doing the right thing by being loaded for bear at this point but waiting till the next incident to give you the opening to handle it. As long as you keep your cool and stick to discussion of documented incidents (I would immediately create an outline for reference; you need to get it in writing for the school's records and for your own argument on behalf of your DD), you can push this as far as you need to go in order to demand that your daughter and other girls not be victimized by this kid (who needs help as well, but not at the expense of the other girls).

Please keep us posted. Stuff like this puts moms' stomachs in a knot; I'll be hoping for a quick and satisfactory resolution for you and your DD. :)

[jmarie]

In our experience, it didn't work and only made matters worse. DD was made out to be the bad guy and all of the other group walked out rather smugly. The group just became more sly.

It was a very sad situation. DD, much to her credit decided to stay where she was , in school, as she only had a year to go. To this day, she has no desire to come home for any reason other than a holiday. 6 years later, she is still marked by what happened.

But she still has her exuberant personality in a job where there is a bit of room for advancement without a college education, they didn't take that away from her and she has advanced and it is that personality that has had a lot to do with it. What she took from the experience has helped her to be more bold and upfront when needed and more symprathtic to the plight of the downtrodden, so it wasn't totally lost, but has taken this long for her to see and understand this.

I so feel for your DD and hope that this is resolved in some way, just don't be surprised if it isn't.

God speed.
Joyce

[lindrusso]

No advice, just a sympathetic ear. :)

That sounds very frustrating.

Have other parents come forward in the past about this girl besided you? Just seems like it will be hard to build a case against this girl or get people to stand up and take notice if it's been going on for so long (and that's a very long time for her to get away with that kind of behavior) and no one has been speaking up.

The more parents you can get that will back you up, the better.

[GingerPow]

No advice, just a sympathetic ear. :)

That sounds very frustrating.

Have other parents come forward in the past about this girl besides you? Just seems like it will be hard to build a case against this girl or get people to stand up and take notice if it's been going on for so long (and that's a very long time for her to get away with that kind of behavior) and no one has been speaking up.

The more parents you can get that will back you up, the better.
Lindrusso, I appreciate your sympathetic ear! Yes, this has been frustrating, on a few levels. The teachers didn't want to hear that the little darling was the bully, DD didn't want to me talk with the girl's mother - and she was right, it probably would have made it worse.

I had to speak up many years ago in a situation involving DD1's 4th grade teacher's behavior, and it did make it worse because the teacher targeted DD. A whole other story, suffice it to say that educating the children here at the S. Jersey shore has been a frustrating experience! To be fair, their high school has been great, though.

As far as other parents backing me up, it didn't happen back when DD1 was in 4th grade when EVERYONE'S child was being affected by a teacher calling them 'idiots' and throwing books at them. (Not kidding). I spoke up, the other parents didn't because they knew there would be retaliation, and there was.

When this girl was tormenting DD2 and the other girls in her class, as far as I know I'm the only one who said anything. No matter what the general viewpoint is about people in NJ (I hear it all), in our little area people aren't tough, they tend to be sheep and usually do not confront issues head on. Parents took kids out of school and put them in the public school rather than deal with the problem. Of course, if the teachers and administration are not willing to acknowledge a problem, then it is better to go elsewhere.

It would have been nice to have other parents willing to speak up with me, but as it usually happens, the 'social order' has them afraid to. But as I tell my kids, I really do not care what these people think, my kids are my #1 concern. The rest of them can go to hell. (Uh-oh, mommy's mad).

[GingerPow]

In our experience, it didn't work and only made matters worse. DD was made out to be the bad guy and all of the other group walked out rather smugly. The group just became more sly.God speed. Joyce
I've seen that happen. Interesting dynamic. :rolleyes:
Joyce, I'm sorry your DD had to experience that terrible treatment. Sounds like she took a negative experience, and used it for something positive. I hope she is doing well now.
I've been there, both as a kid who was picked on but didn't develop the backbone to deal with it until 8th grade (had the fatal combination of top grades plus poor social skills in elementary b/c was almost a year younger than rest of class; 8th grade and after were just peachy), Aaawww. My DD2 is younger than most of the kids in her class as well. Smarter than all of them tied together too. (Hey, I'm allowed to think that!) ;) It's a shame that the gentle souls of this world are often made into targets instead of honored.
Please keep us posted. Stuff like this puts moms' stomachs in a knot; I'll be hoping for a quick and satisfactory resolution for you and your DD. :) Thank you! Yes, this does put my stomach in a knot. Nothing like a direct conversation to untangle that knot though. I'm always calm, but after I've had my say there are no questions as to my viewpoint. :D
Let's see how this all goes...

[LakeMartinGal]

Good luck with all this! I've been through it with DD1, who triumphed over it, after a couple of false starts. The school administrator's advice in our situation was to "kick a$$ and take names." Didn't help at all! Finally, we got her into a better group, same school, and she also learned to develop a thicker skin. I think your DD is already there. Sure keeps you simmering, doesn't it? ;)

[ChristyMarie]

As I am someone who survived bullying, thank you for standing up for her! It never fails to amaze me that administrtion wants to turn a blind eye to it.

[CompassRose]

I am always puzzled by these bullying threads. I was horribly bullied in school, too; one of my most delightful memories is of having rocks thrown at me daily for a couple of weeks at recess — and does anyone honestly think that adult intervention helps?

It never did me. My parents never did anything (because they didn't know) but yes, my teachers did — and all it ever did for me was get me beat up off school property rather than on. With an extra helping of vindictiveness, for being a whiny tattletale (which I wasn't, in point of fact). Not really an improvement, and I was further away from the bathrooms for quiet and convenient cleanups.

[testkitchen45]

Jumping back in with a thought . . . GingerPow, you might have your DD read Boundaries by Cloud & Townsend. This book changed my life with regard to dealing with my parents and in-laws (great relationships all around now, thank goodness), and it has strongly affected my ability to equip my own kids with tools for standing up for themselves (and for not being too deeply affected when the bullying kid won't change his ways). The book helps readers change their perspective about what is and is not their problem, and what they can and cannot control or change. I couldn't recommend it more highly. Just a P.S.

[Peggy]

(((GingerPow))) :(

I'm afraid I don't have any advise for you, but I wanted you to know that I empathize and understand your feelings. Nothing gets me crazier than when I feel my DD is being treated badly or unfairly. Makes me want to sharpen my claws and scratch someone's face off. :mad:

I hope things settle down soon and everything turns out well without a parental confrontation. Parent's may privately see their children's faults but when there kids are attacked they will rally behind them and fight back just as hard. This particular "darling" exhibits these bad behaviors for a reason... most likely they stem back to her parents and home life.

What a crappy situation. I have a knot in my stomach just thinking about it. You go girl! ;)

Peggy

[Taeler]

As a girl that was bullied in jr high, my mom did "kick butt and take names" she had the school admin on tippy toes at the prospect of being sued. It stayed out of the sightline of the bad kids who were bullying me, so they didn't know why they were being watched like hawks, they just learned that when they started to mess with me they were shut down by the teachers. By the end of the 8th grade we had struck an equilibrium.

Now, I'm all grown up with a black belt in Kung Fu - who's taking names now, baby!

Seriously, I do recommend the martial arts for teenage girls, especially those who are "gentle souls", it gives them an unspoken confidence that will become especially handy when dealing with BOYS!