OT: Finding satisfaction with life

[pmmahan]

Okay. I am going to risk sounding whiny here. (I'm not!)
I have been feeling kind of like my life is missing something. I think it is because of my career right now. I work for a large investment firm in Boston, 9-5 (or more truly, 9-7). i feel like my work is my life. Go to the office. Come home. Go to the office. Come home. I feel like just another rat in the race. I am not sure this is my long term thing. I don't want to spend the next 40 years doing this. I just feel like there is something else I could be doing. FOr example, I want to be a writer (well, that's what I do now, but a writer writer) - freelancing, writing travel memoirs, cookbooks, etc. We all have to make a living, why can't we be passionate about it?
Has anyone else gone through this, and if so, how did you handle it? Or am I just whiny and need to get over myself?
(I just turned 24, just got married and am very happy with that aspect of my life)

[KValley]

WHere to begin?

I can only tell you what my experiences have been, rather than to offer you advice without knowing you or the full cirmcumstances of your life.

I started my career in international education about 7 years ago- straight out of graduate school-and loved what I did (I'm 32, to give you some perspective). It was challenging, interesting, allowed me a lot of creativity, responsibility, opportunities to travel. As I progressed, changed jobs, and moved up, the pressure and work load also increased. I was dealing with bureaucratic legal and institutional issues that had little to do with why I went into the field in the first place- to create opportunities for students to study abroad. I started to grapple with wondering how long I would be keep up with the demands that were placed on my time, a shrinking social and personal life, little energy for creative pursuits, and an increasing disillusionment with my chosen profession.

Added to this, and in reality a much more significant issue, was the fact that my career was keeping DH and me away from home and our family. Positions in this field- upper level- are few and far between and it is hard to be picky about your geographic location. Our hearts were in the Northwest that we had left several years before and we were determined to return sooner rather than later.

In January 2000 we decided to make a decision about leaving or staying by the summer 2000. By March we decided to go. So, we put our house up for sale and gave notice at our jobs- all without having a home or jobs to go to- but willing to take the risk, believing we'd land on our feet. I was ready to start over completely, career-wise. I even turned down a job offer in Washington because I knew in my heart that it was exactly what I was trying to get away from! DH is a teacher, and certified to teach in Washington State, so his job prospects looked much more secure.

Our house sold in five days. The same day I posted the job I was leaving on our professional organization listserv I received a job offer from a university in London which was looking for a West Coast representative- to work out of his/her home. It seemed that everything was coming together to lead us home! We pulled away in our moving van, headed west, on July 25, 2000.

I am still working in the same field, but in a very different capacity- I have much more flexibility, freedom, time. I would still like to return to a university setting someday, but I am so relieved for this break to think. Taking the change and making this movehas given me the sense that I can do anything!

This decision- and other seemingly-crazy decisions that I have made in my life (marrying 5 months after dating DH, joining the Peace Corps) - has also made me determined to listed to my heart and gut- I have never been steered wrong.

If you've managed to read this far through my life story http://www.cookinglight.com/bbs/rolleyes.gif , I wish you all the best and I encourage you to pick up a copy of Julia Cameron's book, The Artist's Way. It is a book and a 3 month process about exploring, accepting, and committing to your creativity, about listening to your heart, pursuing your dreams. I started this process last spring and completed it the week we moved home- it gave me the courage to take such a risk. Incredible!!

Best wishes, Julie


[This message has been edited by KValley (edited 06-20-2001).]

[SusanMac]

I read an awesome article recently in Forbes (the June 11 issue)about living out your fantasies through volunteer vacations. Don't know if you're interested in this kind of thing, but it struck me as awesome.

Everyone wants a chance to give something back, make a difference & do something worthwhile, yet our careers typically don't do that (or if they do, we still want to experience something different). There's a way to volunteer with organziations for a working vacation. You can do research related to animals (dolphins, turles, endangered animals), people or archeology.

Definitely check out the article if you can track it down. Might be a great addition to help you feel like you're doing something worthwhile.

Here are a few websites it included (which I'm checking out. DH and I are getting very excited about this idea)
* Earthwatch -- www.earthwatch.org (http://www.earthwatch.org)
* Oceanic Society -- www.oceanic-society.org (http://www.oceanic-society.org)
* Cultural Restoration Tourism Project -- http://home.earthlink.net/-crtp/
* Amizade -- www.amizade.org (http://www.amizade.org)
* Reef Environmental Education Foundation -- www.reef.org (http://www.reef.org)

[Mbart]

Just thought I'd throw in my two cents about my experience in the work world. I used to work in advertising - agency work. It is notoriously long hours, and long days are very much encouraged/expected. I too felt like all I did was work; long hours Monday - Friday, dragging work home at night, and going in over the week-ends to "catch up" on stuff I couldn't get to during the week. Plus at one point I was doing a lot of traveling, so that added to the hours. I truly believed I had no choice because there was always so much to do. I couldn't believe the "leakers" that would leave at 5:30 - how could they? How undedicated! How unimportant they must be to be able to go home at that hour! How impressive my time sheets look! I was sure that if I was ever gone for more than a day, that the place just couldn't run without me!

Well, Ha! what a joke! I now know that NO business revolves around one person so much! I had built my own prison, and my competitive pride was preventing me from doing so many other things. I'm not saying you have the same sad ego I had, but what I am saying is you need to FORCE yourself to do other things outside of work. It may take awhile for coworkers to adjust to it, but trust me, trust me, trust me, they will. Your company will not go under if you don't work until 7 p.m. every night. If you have to, sign up for a class at 6 p.m. that will force you to leave the office at 5:30. Or carpool with someone that leaves at that hour so you have to go home. It's a discipline, just like exercise, eating right, or anything else, to make yourself not work so much.

I hope you will try this, unless you are looking for a more dramatic change in your life, like a career change or something. Best of luck to you, and let us know what you do!

[mb]

wow - julie, that's some story! i think that's just proof that things happen for a reason and everything ends up falling into place...

i was watching oprah the other day and there was a segment on 20-somethings today and how they feel anxious/depressed, etc. because they don't really know what they want from life, etc. the main 'answer' was that life is about the journey. for example, you can't expect to graduate college or whatever and have everything you ever wanted...how boring would that be? no, you just have to go through the process of life, going from one thing to the next and learning from each experience you have.

pmmahan, i know how you feel. my DH has the same 'life' as you - go to the office/come home, etc. he worked 67 hours last week, and that's just the tip of the iceberg. even when he is home, he has to do work. of course, he makes a decent amount of $, so we have a nice house, nice cars, etc. etc. (and most importantly, no debt other than the mortgage). but still, something is missing for him. oftentimes, he buys expensive 'toys' (like electronics) thinking that he's worked so hard and he wants to reward himself, but none of those things make him really feel better (mostly because there isn't much time to really enjoy them).

my story is kind of opposite. i have some unfinished advanced degrees plus 2 completed bachelors degrees, but absolutely no career. previously, i had a going-nowhere job that i enjoyed because it was easy, my coworkers were nice, and i felt good about what i was doing (it was a non-profit agency that helped children in foster care). the pay was awful and the work wasn't challenging, but the benefits were good and i liked being there. however, the agency just closed. essentially, this was ok timing for me anyhow, because i just had a baby 3 weeks ago. now i guess i have one of the most important jobs - being a mom. however, since i never really had a career, i sometimes grapple with the feeling that i 'wasted' all that education.

so between my DH being over-consumed with work, and me being 'under-consumed' with a career, we're kind of opposites. however, we feel the same way you do: we just feel like there is something else we could be doing that is more fulfilling, and something we'd be passionate about. we've thought about starting our own business, but don't even know what we'd want to do.

i am almost 25 and DH is 27. we are very happily married and are totally in love with our new baby. we just wish that we could spend more time as a family doing things that are really important, like spending quality time together.

we're probably in the group that oprah was targeting on her show. i agreed with most of what they said - life IS about the journey. we make all kinds of decisions that affect us in all different ways. sometimes you do have to make some scary or drastic changes, but things always end up working out for the best. for me, leaving my phd program was pretty tough - i felt like a quitter and a big loser. but in the end, it was the right decision for me and my life has been really great since then.

maybe you need to start looking for a new job. a friend of a friend was working at a large financial company in NYC - also long hours but lots of $. she didn't feel fulfilled, so she ended up moving to north carolina (knowing only 1 friend) and she started networking - she ended up finding this really fulfilling job with a non profit agency where she could put her financial skills to work. she's young, but she's basically 2nd in charge there now and she's really really happy.

my DH is actually considering another job now, where they really stress education. for example, he could take a weeklong class instead of doing 'work'. also, they get 4 weeks off. the environment just sounds nicer, even though he'd still be doing the same kind of work.

maybe you could find a smaller company to work at where it's not as much of a rat race. i loved my old company - there were only 7 of us. it was almost like a family, and it made for a really nice workplace. also, if things are a little more laid back, you might have time to do more stuff that's 'just for you'. then that might lead to something a lot more fulfilling.

sorry this is so long! i just wanted to let you know you're not alone! you're not whiny, because you have a valid concern - now you just need to do something about it! http://www.cookinglight.com/bbs/smile.gif (and when you figure something out, clue me in on how you found happiness!!!) good luck!

marisa http://www.cookinglight.com/bbs/smile.gif

[BevP]

I may not be the most qualified to answer but hearing a variety you can choose what you like from whom and maybe work it all into something that works for you.

I'll start with my philosophy about money. Money can make you happy up to a point. It's very hard to be happy if you can't sleep for worrying about bills or where your next meal will be. The amount of money that will make you happy is different for each person. All money beyond that is pure gravy *IF* you like what you're doing to get that money. If money made you happy, rich people would never kill themselves. Same goes for fame and looks. Marilyn Monroe was rich, famous and beautiful but not happy. I'm talking about this because our western world tends to use money as the guage for success and happiness.

Using my theory of money, you then decide if you want to keep the job you're at or dump it for something you'd like better (think American Beauty). If you can't afford that right now, work to pay off/down debts until you can.

Next, I feel I need a goal. (I currently don't have a very good one but stick with me here) The idea is not necessarily to reach the goal but to enjoy working for the goal.

Finally and this I'll stress more than anything else is ATTITUDE. YOU DECIDE IF YOU'RE HAPPY OR MISERABLE. You may not be able to control the things around you but you can control your reactions to those things. Trust me from the experience of being depressed many times, it can be work to decide to not be miserable. You're going to have thoughts and attitudes about things anyway, just be aware of them and don't let your thoughts control you.

OK, way more information than you needed or asked for but there it is. Just try to decide why you're in the rat race and where it fits in your priorities in your life. Maybe then you'll find it's not such a rotten thing and you can live with it. Or, find ways to change what you can.

Good luck.

[sal]

Pmmahan, I feel your pain! I am in the same industry (but at a much more unimaginative, boring level http://www.cookinglight.com/bbs/frown.gif ), but I am older (37) w/2 children. I agree that passion about your career is truly important. I am not knowledgeable about writing careers, but could you submit articles/short stories/recipes to magazines, as a start toward your ultimate career goal? Perhaps some college courses (if you feel the need)or a creative writing class would get you motivated and give you something to look forward to outside of work? Maybe network with some coworkers/clients that might have some link to publishers or established writers? Just some ideas that might trigger something to help you. I wish you the very best; our industry right now is not very fun! sally

[BosunsWife]

BevP I agree with a lot of what you said. If I remember correctly you are also or were a military wife?

My DH loves what he does (drives ships), he's an E7/Chief in the USCG and although he doesn't make much money (or at least in comparision to what he could make on the "outside"), he is so satisfied by what he does. He misses DD and I alot when he is gone, but we know that in several years we will be done with this and living a somewhat normal life like other civilians. Everyone always tells him, get out, you could make so much more money working for a tug company, etc. He just laughs and says I love being at sea and my wife and little girl have some security.

I worked up until our DD was born two years ago. I am an older mommy at the age of 39. I worked in the legal field from the time I was 20 until I quit when I was 37. While it was enjoyable, I can't actually say that I always really liked what I did. Some of the attorneys that I worked for were rather temperamental to say the least. The money was good but I don't miss it. I have so much more satisfaction from staying at home with our little girl and knowing that we are giving her the best start we can by having me at home with her and giving her some stability in our ever changing life (we move about every two years).

Money isn't everything and certainly can make you either happy or unhappy. Go with your heart and do what you want to do. Know that you can exist on less, we are proof of that fact. Fancy cars and fancy vacations aren't worth it if you aren't happy with what you are doing with your life.

I've rambled on enough.

[GayeC]

So much good advice! I especially like BevP's comments on money and goal setting. One question I have is - do you think this is a career issue or a life issue? What I mean is -- do you think that resolving your career questions would resolve your disatisfaction or is it deeper than that? I think that some people feel disatisfied because they have not resolved spiritual/religious issues in their life. I know that would be the case for me. Just a thought.

On the career issues, I am with those who say that you should be as happy as possible with what you are doing. Decide what your priorities are and go for a job, freelance work, or whatever will help you achieve those priorities. DH and I have decided that a sane family life is a priority, so I have chosen to work part-time. I work as a grant writer, which is somewhat satisfying but, like you, not exactly what I want to do. So I also do freelance writing for a couple of regional magazines. As BevP said, I need to set a goal and go for it, because I would really like to write for national magazines.

Good luck with working out what is best for you and your husband. Gaye

[pmmahan]

Thank you all for such wonderful advice and insight. I have spent some time really thinking about this, and your thoughts have really helped to delve deeper.
I am young. I have some time to develop my career. I think freelancing is my ultimate goal, something to work towards, slowly, until it eventually becomes a full time thing. I think knowing in my heart that I do not want to remain in this industry for the rest of my career makes me a little sad, and well, disjointed? Maybe that's a good word. A little bit all over the place. However, I am not in a place where I can quit my job and work on writing full time. So I just need to slowly cultivate my talent and do it on the side until it becomes lucrative enough to fall back on full time. I am lucky that DH wants to stay in this industry....this is a financially rewarding industry if you stay long enough, and once you get to senior positions, the jobs can be pretty cushy.
The one thing I can say is that my job as a proposal writer is that I AM writing all day! That will certainly help keep my fingers limber and my mind in the writing mode!

Again, thank you for all your wonderful thoughts and ideas.

[food girl]

Anna Quindlen's Villanova College Commencement Address:

It's a great honor for me to be the third member of my family to receive an honorary doctorate from this great university. It's an honor to follow my great-uncle Jim, who was a gifted physician, and my Uncle Jack, who is a remarkable businessman. Both of them could have told you something important about their profession, about medicine or commerce. I have no specialized field of interest or expertise, which puts me at a disadvantage, talking to you today. I'm a novelist.
My work is human nature. Real life is all I know. Don't ever confuse the two, your life and your work. The second is only part of the first. Don't ever forget what a friend once wrote Senator Paul Tsongas, when the senator decided not to run for re-election, because he'd been diagnosed with cancer: "No man ever said on his deathbed I wish I had spent more time in the office."

Don't ever forget the words my father sent me on a postcard last year:

"If you win the rat race, you're still a rat."

Or what John Lennon wrote before he was gunned down in the driveway of the Dakota:


"Life is what happens while you are busy making other plans."

You walk out of here this afternoon with only one thing that no one else has. There will be hundreds of people out there with your same degree; there will be thousands of people doing what you want to do for a living.
But you will be the only person alive who has sole custody of your life. Your particular life. Your entire life - not just your life at a desk, or your life on a bus, or in a car, or at the computer; not just the life of your mind, but the life of your heart. Not just your bank account, but your soul. People don't talk about the soul very much anymore. It's so much easier to write a resume than to craft a spirit. But a resume is a cold comfort on a winter night, or when you're sad, or broke, or lonely, or when you've gotten back the test results and they're not so good.

Here is my resume: I am a good mother to three children. I have tried never to let my profession stand in the way of being a good parent. I no longer consider myself the center of the universe.

I show up. I listen. I try to laugh. I am a good friend to my husband. I have tried to make marriage vows mean what they say. I show up. I listen. I try to laugh. I am a good friend to my friends, and they to me. Without them, there would be nothing to say to you today, because I would be a cardboard cutout. But I call them on the phone, and I meet them for lunch. I show up. I listen. I try to laugh. I would be rotten, or at best mediocre at my work if those other things were not true. You cannot be really first rate at your work if your work is all you are.

So here's what I wanted to tell you today: Get a life. A real life, not a manic pursuit of the next promotion, the bigger paycheck, the larger house. Do you think you'd care so very much about those things if you blew an aneurysm one afternoon, or found a lump in your breast?

Get a life in which you notice the smell of salt water pushing itself on a breeze over Seaside Heights. Get a life in which you stop and watch how a red tailed hawk circles over the water gap, or the way a baby scowls with concentration, when she tries to pick up a cheerio with her thumb and first finger.

Get a life in which you are not alone. Find people you love, and who love you. And remember that love is not leisure, it is work. Each time you look at your diploma, remember that you are still a student, still learning how to best treasure your connection to others.

Pick up the phone. Send an e-mail. Write a letter. Kiss your Mom. Hug your Dad.

Get a life in which you are generous. Look around at the azaleas in the neighborhood where you grew up; look at a full moon hanging silver in a black, black sky on a cold night. And realize that life is the best thing ever, and that you have no business taking it for granted.

Care so deeply about its goodness that you want to spread it around. Take money you would have spent on beers and give it to charity. Work in a soup kitchen. Be a big brother or sister. All ofyou want to do well. But if you do not do good, too, then doing well will never be enough.

It is so easy to waste our lives: our days, our hours, our minutes. It is so easy to take for granted the color of the azaleas, the sheen of the limestone on Fifth Avenue, the color of our kids eyes, the way the melody in a symphony rises and falls and disappears and rises again.

It is so easy to exist instead of live. I learned to live many years ago.
Something really, really bad happened to me, something that changed my life in ways that, if I had my druthers, it would never have been changed at all. And what I learned from it is what, today, seems to be the hardest lesson of all. I learned to love the journey, not the destination. I learned that it is not a dress rehearsal, and that today is the only guarantee you get. I learned to look at all the good in the world and to try to give some of it back because I believed in it completely and utterly. And I tried to do that, in part, by telling others what I had learned. By telling them this:

Consider the lilies of the field.
Look at the fuzz on a baby's ear.
Read in the backyard with the sun on your face.
Learn to be happy.

"And think of life as a terminal illness because if you do, you will live it with joy and passion as it ought to be lived."



[This message has been edited by food girl (edited 06-24-2001).]

[SoCal]

WOW, certainly food for thought. Thanks for sharing food girl.

[Zinnia]

It took me awhile to read all of the posts in this thread, and when I saw SoCal's post- she said basically what I was going to say! And that is WOW!!
"There is much wisdom in the words you speak". All of you! I am going to print this thread out and save it.. It may sound weird but I was in awe reading your stories and it gave me alot to think about. You are all so helpful in sooo many ways!! Thank you, http://www.cookinglight.com/bbs/smile.gif Zinnia

[mb]

wow food girl! that was great! so inspiring! thanks!!!!

marisa http://www.cookinglight.com/bbs/smile.gif

[KristaMB]

foodgirl,

I have that same speech printed out somewhere, but I really needed the reminder. I think I'll print it out again and put it on the fridge, where it can't be missed.

~Krista