I need some advice......

[raka1214]

I need some help because I just don't know what to do.

DH and I work at the same place for a man and his wife that we've known intimately for several years now. We used to go to church with them but don't any longer as we have just started our own church in another city but we still are very good friends.

He came over to the house last night to tell us that he has been having an affair with one of the women in their church - whom we also now and are good friends with.

His wife knows, his daughters know (they have 3 with the youngest being 15), his inlaws know, the Pastor of the church knows, the woman's husband knows, etc., etc., etc.

We are devastated and I can't help but feel as though if we are this devastated how they must feel. I deal with him very closely at work and he has been miserable all day - crying everytime he's on the phone with me.

I don't know what to do. I called his wife this morning and she is very, I don't know how to explain it, well, I guess her attitude and response was along the lines of "oh well, stuff happens I guess". Obviously she is hurt, angry, disappointed, devastated, etc., but she is a very closed person and won't let you close no matter what's going on.

I just feel so helpless and wondered if anyone had any ideas as to how DH and I could help this family who has been torn apart.

Thanks for letting me put it on "paper"......it's just so sad.

[Chefzhat]

We are devastated and I can't help but feel as though if we are this devastated how they must feel. I deal with him very closely at work and he has been miserable all day - crying everytime he's on the phone with me.

He's having the affair and HE'S miserable??? He's not doing it right then.

Sorry, I'll be serious now.

The only thing you can do is let your female friend know that you are available to assist, listen, shoulder the load. After that - back off. If she's reserved then she will let you help when she's ready.

Sorry you're all dealing with this.

[mgs]

wow you are in a touchy situation. I think big ears and a small mouth are in order here espeically if she tends to be a private person. You will just end up pushing her away by offering too much advice. But definitely be there for her.

Probably best not to say too much anyway, since you are close with the whole family. It would be hard not to sound like you are picking sides.

[Deechef]

WOW.....very touchy situation. Personally, I would pull back and help if asked and not try to intervene in any other way. This is their mess to deal with. Probably other issues in their marriage that you have no idea about. Just try to "be there" if needed but don't offer it up. You have a business relationship to protect. Sorry you are having to deal with this - not fun.

[avariell]

Honestly unless you want to choose sides, I doubt I would lend an ear to either party. It sounds like maybe you have already been sucked in by the husband, but I would be careful. Unfortunately when people are going through hard times, they tend to lash out at the wrong targets.

I guess it is wrong as a friend, but I would probably distance myself from the whole situation... other than maybe offering help to get the daughters therapy/counseling.

[HejazSunKat]

I guess it is wrong as a friend, but I would probably distance myself from the whole situation...

I think that is smart advice actually given their employment situation. What CAN one do in a situation like this anyway? If he has told their pastor about it then they have independent counseling available to them. As friends and employees of the couple I would just encourage them to avail themselves of it for their whole family as soon as possible.

[raka1214]

Thanks for the advice everyone - it really does help to bounce things off of people when you really aren't at liberty to say anything to people IRL.

DH and I have made the decision that life is going to be tough at work and in our personal lives right now but that we are this ENTIRE families friend and it needs to remain that way. We have spoken to both parties as well as their daughters, expressed our love and concern for them, let them know that we are there for ANY of them and have now left it there with them.

They know we love them, they know that what ever they need from us now or in the future we are there for them and they know that we will do our jobs to the best of our abilities while all of this plays out.

The husband is living in a hotel while the wife and daughters are at home - no decisions have been made yet and that is a good thing. She is angry (and has every right to be so) but doesn't want to make a rash decision based on her anger - which I greatly applaud her for.

It's going to be difficult and sad for a long while yet but I really do appreciate all your input! Thanks so much!!!!