Invitation to "no gifts" party?

**cookinprogress** · 10-26-2007, 07:40 AM

We recently received an invitation to a birthday/Halloween party for a 6 year old child of a friend of ours. The invitation states "no gifts please". I have seen this for older people, but for a 6 year old? Will people really not bring gifts? Or will I be the only idiot to show up without one if I turn up empty handed? I was thinking about maybe buying some kind of gift for the family (along the lines of a hostess gift), but can't think of anything at all. Can I anyone give me any ideas??

**clairea** · 10-26-2007, 07:51 AM

I hate when this happens for children's parties, because you know the children enjoy receiving gifts, and I think it is good for my children to learn how to be gracious givers as well. However, I also try to respect other parents' wishes about how to raise their children, so this kind of creates a conflict for me. In a similar situation, what I have done is buy a gift card to a place the child would enjoy but that I could also use if necessary, and a birthday card. I keep the gift card separate from the birthday card. That way, if everybody else brings gifts I can quickly tuck the gift card in with the birthday card and not stand out as "the one who didn't bring a gift." If there are others who did not bring gifts, then I assume the parents have explained why to the child, I give the card, and then just use the gift card later for something I need to buy.

Maybe this is a little bit of a backhanded way to deal with it, but it is the best way I have found to graciously deal with what I feel like is an awkward social situation created by these types of invitations. If I think the parents are trying to avoid a lot more toys, I do try to get bookstore gift cards, which can be a good compromise.

**Kathy B** · 10-26-2007, 07:51 AM

I would follow the invitation's request. Kids get so much stuff anymore from family and friends for so many kinds of celebrations, that I can fully understand parents wanting to have the party without accumulating even more stuff.

If they have a party and invite 10 kids, the 6 year old will have 10 gifts IN ADDITION TO whatever their own family and relatives give them. No child needs that much, even if it does include books or clothing or other "non-toy" items. Maybe they are trying to teach their child to appreciate friends rather than stuff, to decrease the emphasis on materialism. Refreshing IMHO!

**Meganator** · 10-26-2007, 07:52 AM

Originally Posted by cookinprogress

Or will I be the only idiot to show up without one if I turn up empty handed?

Depends on your perspective...you could be the only idiot to show up with one when the invitation specifically requested that you didn't. Having said that, a hostess gift is always appropriate.

**ljt2r** · 10-26-2007, 08:17 AM

Originally Posted by clairea

I hate when this happens for children's parties, because you know the children enjoy receiving gifts, and I think it is good for my children to learn how to be gracious givers as well. However, I also try to respect other parents' wishes about how to raise their children, so this kind of creates a conflict for me. In a similar situation, what I have done is buy a gift card to a place the child would enjoy but that I could also use if necessary, and a birthday card. I keep the gift card separate from the birthday card. That way, if everybody else brings gifts I can quickly tuck the gift card in with the birthday card and not stand out as "the one who didn't bring a gift." If there are others who did not bring gifts, then I assume the parents have explained why to the child, I give the card, and then just use the gift card later for something I need to buy.

Maybe this is a little bit of a backhanded way to deal with it, but it is the best way I have found to graciously deal with what I feel like is an awkward social situation created by these types of invitations. If I think the parents are trying to avoid a lot more toys, I do try to get bookstore gift cards, which can be a good compromise.

I think this is a great compromise--although I also think that if you did not take a gift no one could blame you.

I think these situations happen because kids--and parents of kids when their kids are really young--like having parties to celebrate birthdays, but they really don't like expecting or seeming to expect all sorts of non-relatives/close friends to buy gifts for their kid. I know I have wondered about this. I really wanted to have a party for my 1 yr old but I did not want anyone to think they needed to bring a gift seeing as we just moved here and people barely know us! I wimped out and instead am dragging family in to town from all over and making way too much food for the 7 or 8 of us on Saturday!

Laura

**armel** · 10-26-2007, 12:02 PM

Whenever I have specified "no gifts please" on an invitation . . . I really and truly mean "DON'T BRING GIFTS". And would prefer that folks follow the invitation and not bring them. So I say, don't bring one.

In fact, even if everybody else brought one, I would still be happy about the folks that actually followed my wishes and did not bring a gift and would b*tch about the folks who just had to buy a gift even though I asked them not to.

And frankly, as to a hostess gift. I really would rather never have folks give me that either. It is one thing if I am entertaining you while you stay at my house for a week, but bringing a hostess gift for a party? Not needed or wanted.

**Luv to Cook** · 10-26-2007, 12:16 PM

I have written it in invitations to my kids parties

...especially when they were younger and had no idea that they were even supposed to get gifts. And I certainly don't do it to be difficult, but it is because I want to celebrate my child's birthday with the friends and family who have helped us along the way and enjoy seeing my children grow...as I do their children. In addition, our kids get SO much from grandparents and other relatives, that I just want their party to be just about enjoying the moment of having people you love around you. I wish I could get rid of goody bags as well, while I am at it!

**funniegrrl** · 10-26-2007, 12:35 PM

I also say honor the invitation, and don't worry about a hostess gift. Get the kid a birthday card -- that's always appropriate. Don't worry about what other people do ... if they DO bring something, then they're the ones in the wrong.

**leightx** · 10-26-2007, 12:42 PM

While I would love to say "don't bring a gift," I will tell you that in my one experience with a similar invitation, I was the ONLY person (out of the 25 or so invited to a 2 year old's birthday) who did not bring a gift.

It was for one of my closest friends' child, and she had mentioned before sending out the invites that her DS already had a gob of toys, and she was inviting a lot of people and just didn't think he needed so many toys. I took her the invite at face value, and then was thoroughly embarrassed when she pointed out later that I was the only one who hadn't brought a gift, and she figured I was just using it as "an excuse" so I could take more time to shop for a present.

Anyway, if I sent out an invite stating no gifts, I'd be somewhat irritated if everyone showed up with one. But apparently not everyone feels the same way...

**Meganator** · 10-26-2007, 01:24 PM

Originally Posted by leightx

...I took her the invite at face value, and then was thoroughly embarrassed when she pointed out later that I was the only one who hadn't brought a gift, and she figured I was just using it as "an excuse" so I could take more time to shop for a present.

That's your friend's problem (and the other guests who ignored the invitation, whether it was sincere or not in its request for no gifts), not yours, and you have nothing to be embarrassed about.

I was going to say that I get irritatated at the need to play these social games...but that isn't true. I'm not irritated because I refuse to play the games. I do get irritated at the people who feel the need to perpetuate such nonsense. If she wanted gifts, then why the heck put "no gifts" on the invitation?

For crying out loud. Say what you mean and mean what you say. It's not that complicated. Could she possibly have been joking when she said she thought you needed more time to shop?

Rant over.

**Kathy B** · 10-26-2007, 01:53 PM

And I can't help but jump back in and say is there a 2 year old ANYWHERE that needs 25 birthday gifts

(whether the mom says "no gifts" or not)?

OK, I'll be quiet now.

**wwhirledpeas** · 10-26-2007, 01:54 PM

I just wanted to add that this summer I attened both a 'bring a donation to our charity instead of a gift' party and a 'no gift please' party and each time I did what was requested. What I didn't do was to bring a card - because I was not bringing a gift.

At both events the honoree sat and read their cards - which was awkward but, even more awkward for me because I didn't....and felt like I was the only one.

So the moral to this story - take a card.

What is up with having a no gift party for a kid? If it were me, I would send a gift card to a book store preparty.

**Meganator** · 10-26-2007, 02:34 PM

Originally Posted by wwhirledpeas

What is up with having a no gift party for a kid? If it were me, I would send a gift card to a book store preparty.

Why would you do that if the PARENT requested no gifts? A gift card is still a gift. How do you feel when other people butt into your parenting decisions?

**RunnerKim** · 10-26-2007, 02:51 PM

No gift parties are now the norm for our daycare and now the kindergarten that's associated. My daughter has not missed it at all. She still gets plenty of gifts. Many kids bring a card or something they drew. A few include stickers or something small like that in the card which I think is acceptable.

It's also the norm to invite the whole class to parties and that can mean over 20 kids for some of the rooms (only 10 for the kindergarten). Not only would that be a ton of gifts but there's a lot of parties going on (and they seem to happen in clusters).

Most kids don't do thank yous if there's no gift which I think is at least a part of it. Having my DD (just turned 5) do the handful of family and friends that gave gifts was a big enough ordeal. (Gifts aren't opened at the parties here).

I think the no gift parties caught on here because they're just so much less stressful and more fun for everyone. I expect it'll change as the kids get older though.

Kim

**leightx** · 10-26-2007, 03:44 PM

Originally Posted by Meganator

That's your friend's problem (and the other guests who ignored the invitation, whether it was sincere or not in its request for no gifts), not yours, and you have nothing to be embarrassed about.

I was going to say that I get irritatated at the need to play these social games...but that isn't true. I'm not irritated because I refuse to play the games. I do get irritated at the people who feel the need to perpetuate such nonsense. If she wanted gifts, then why the heck put "no gifts" on the invitation?

For crying out loud. Say what you mean and mean what you say. It's not that complicated. Could she possibly have been joking when she said she thought you needed more time to shop?

Rant over.

Well, I was just flabbergasted that every single person showed up with a gift. So yes, about 25 (minus 1) birthday presents. For a 2 year old. I mean truly - I thought it was some sort of weirdo secret code that no one had bothered to let me in on. Like, "I'll put 'no gifts' so I don't look terribly greedy, but then everyone will bring gifts anyway - win, win!" I don't think that was what was going on, but when I saw the HUGE pile of presents, I was pretty bewildered.

And I know I shouldn't have been embarassed, but I was anyway.

It made me feel cheap.

Editing to add that no, she wasn't joking about going shopping later. Or at least she didn't follow it up with a "No, seriously - please don't buy anything." And she didn't seem irritated that everyone brought gifts. And I know her well enough to know she was surprised I didn't get anything.

**cookinprogress** · 10-26-2007, 10:15 PM

Thanks for all the advice everyone. I'm definitely not going to show up with some big expensive wrapped present, but I will bring a card. I think I might buy a gift card for somewhere just in case I end up in a situation like Leigh did. That is what I have been most worried about. I'll just follow Claire's advice of keeping the gift card out of the card though until I can see what the situation is. If it doesn't look like people are bringing gifts, then I'll just keep it and buy myself a cookbook!

**wwhirledpeas** · 10-26-2007, 10:32 PM

Originally Posted by Meganator

Why would you do that if the PARENT requested no gifts? A gift card is still a gift. How do you feel when other people butt into your parenting decisions?

NOOOO, The parent requested no gifts be brought to the party that the parent was hosting for the child.

I can understand that because if you are having a large party that is in combination with a halloween party, where there will most likely be many other children and games, that gift opening scene is a drag.

Any 6 year old that I know would want a gift.

**Clover** · 10-26-2007, 11:57 PM

Originally Posted by wwhirledpeas

Any 6 year old that I know would want a gift.

So one would think. But--when my niece was about to turn six and planning her party with her mother, she said she already had lots of toys and didn't need any more. She chose to ask guests to bring a toy to donate to charity instead. She didn't think of this option herself, but she did willingly choose it, and it was only suggested as a possibility after she said she didn't need more toys. Anyway, she's now 13 and still not big on accumulating "stuff."

And to stick my oar in on the original question, if the invitation said no gifts, I wouldn't bring a gift. If the party were for someone I would ordinarily give a present to without there being a party, unless they'd said they never wanted another gift no way nohow, I'd probably still give a present, but I'd do it privately, not at the party.

**Jazzmatazz49** · 10-27-2007, 06:08 AM

I think if the invitation says "no gift" and you bring one anyway, it is rude to the other guests who followed the request of the parent. Also, if you were the only one without a gift, who is going to notice? If there is a pile of gifts, the kid doesn't really remember who gave them to him anyway.

**Beth Y** · 10-29-2007, 06:50 PM

As a mom of two 5 year olds and a 9 year old, I know that I have said "no gifts" when we wanted to ask lots of people. There is just no way my kids need 20-plus presents from a party, especially when we are already getting them presents, as are very close friends and family. I see the "no gifts" a lot when a kid wants to ask the whole class. Some of these parties are 40+ kids....no kid needs that much...it is obscene and I think this is what the parents think too. So, I say " no gifts".

Now, if the kid is a VERY close friend of yours or your kids, such that they are together all the time, then definately get a present, just give it to them at another time.

**cookinprogress** · 10-30-2007, 03:59 PM

Well, no new cookbook for me. It initially appeared that no one brought gifts, however every time I turned around I saw someone sneaking a gift to the kid or the mother to give to the kid.

I really hate this whole "no gift" thing. I think I'd just prefer regular parties where you don't have to do all this detective work to figure out if you're doing the right thing. I had a $10 gift card to a bookstore handy to stick in the card, but now I'm still feeling like everyone else's gifts were better.

**donleyk** · 10-31-2007, 06:58 AM

Originally Posted by cookinprogress

Well, no new cookbook for me. It initially appeared that no one brought gifts, however every time I turned around I saw someone sneaking a gift to the kid or the mother to give to the kid.

I really hate this whole "no gift" thing. I think I'd just prefer regular parties where you don't have to do all this detective work to figure out if you're doing the right thing. I had a $10 gift card to a bookstore handy to stick in the card, but now I'm still feeling like everyone else's gifts were better.

FWIW, I think it�s unfortunate you feel that way. If I stated on the invite not to bring gifts I�d want it to be respected. What if the parents take all those gifts and give them to a charity now? Seems like that would be hard on the kid than no gifts. She may be steaming mad that she has to deal with this when she asked no gifts.

**newtricks** · 10-31-2007, 07:12 AM

Originally Posted by cookinprogress

Well, no new cookbook for me. It initially appeared that no one brought gifts, however every time I turned around I saw someone sneaking a gift to the kid or the mother to give to the kid.

I really hate this whole "no gift" thing. I think I'd just prefer regular parties where you don't have to do all this detective work to figure out if you're doing the right thing. I had a $10 gift card to a bookstore handy to stick in the card, but now I'm still feeling like everyone else's gifts were better.

Honestly, you're putting waaayy too much energy into this. There's no detective work - No gifts means no gifts. The people who bring gifts are in the wrong - not the people who do what the host asked.

**leightx** · 10-31-2007, 08:14 AM

I think perhaps a solution to this whole gifts issue is to give suggestions that the party-goer CAN bring. Something along the lines of "In lieu of gifts, please bring a homemade card / book to donate to charity / etc." That way the parents that insist that their kid wanted to get something for the bday boy or girl are somewhat appeased.

FWIW, I can totally relate to your feelings cookinprogress. It's easy to dismiss the guests that did bring gifts when we're talking about a hypothetical situation, but it is truly awkward to be the only one without a gift in real life.

**newtricks** · 10-31-2007, 03:15 PM

Originally Posted by leightx

FWIW, I can totally relate to your feelings cookinprogress. It's easy to dismiss the guests that did bring gifts when we're talking about a hypothetical situation, but it is truly awkward to be the only one without a gift in real life.

My post sounds kind of harsh, doesn't it? Didn't mean for it to be, I just mean that worrying about how good a gift is that wasn't expected in the first place is too much worrying. I go on the assumption that the host is sincere when they say no gifts so they're not going to think badly about someone who didn't bring a gift. You (cookinprogress) did what was asked, I think that's usually the best option but obviously one that's hard for some people.

But Leigh, I just checked back to see who had the wierd friend who *didn't* mean it and it was you! So your experience is totally different.

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