Annoying dinner/company behavior???

[cakebaker]

Any opinions about addressing the following annoying dinner/company behavior?
Actually, I've changed my mind: I'm beginning to find this behavior downright rude.
I have a friend who was born & raised in another country and English is not her first language, though her command and fluency of English is excellent both verbally and in reading & writing. She has 2 teenage kids, both fully bi-lingual. Dad is not. Neither are my DH or two kids.
Problem is that when they visit as a family or when we visit them, she and her kids carry on conversations in the other language in our presence. Just last night at dinner at our house, she and her kids broke into the other language for several minutes at a time interupting the flow of conversation again & again & again.
I'm at the point , as is DH & 1 DD, where I want to address this.
Any tactful suggestions?
TIA

[KimE]

You are far to nice...tactfull way to ask them not to be rude??

OK really, I would just say something like "It is great that your children know another language but when we are together I would appreciate it if you talk in english so everyone can be involved in the conversation. It is very uncomfortable not to know what someone is saying at the same table"

And if it continues...I would have to say I would not invite them over again. Yes that is VERY rude.

Kim

[PurplePotato]

I have been around this type of behavior and find it SO incredibly rude.

I have no idea what to say to the offending parties though. I'm interested to hear ideas.

[hlao23]

I think you could mention it to her. It's possible that she doesn't even notice that she's doing it...especially if the other language is the primary one being spoken in the home.

[SusanMac]

I agree she probably isn't aware. That's probably quite normal for them & their bilingual friends. I know many people who smoothly switch back & forth, and it's 2nd nature.

I haven't dealt w/this on a personal level, but do deal w/it at work. Sometimes at the beginning of a mtg, someone will gently say a reminder that English is the only common language of the entire group and everyone needs to stick with English for all conversations for the duration of the meeting. We've had to do this less & less in the past year, as I think everyone is getting used to it.

[JulieM]

I think if it were me, the next time I invited them to my house I'd tell them in a fun way that you've all decided it's English only at your table, because you all agree as a family that otherwise you feel left out of the conversation.

Another thought is every time they do it tell them you feel left out of the conversation and ask them what they were talking about. If you do it every time they may get the idea and stop doing it, or at least tire of having to explain every time.

[Blissful_in_TX]

I don't know but I have two friends (one from Mexico and one from Honduras), and they do the same thing.

When I worked at a bank in El Paso, EVERYONE talked Spanish to each other unless it was a group meeting or they were directly talking to me or the only other person there who didn't speak Spanish.

[TKay]

I think if it were me, the next time I invited them to my house I'd tell them in a fun way that you've all decided it's English only at your table, because you all agree as a family that otherwise you feel left out of the conversation.

Another thought is every time they do it tell them you feel left out of the conversation and ask them what they were talking about. If you do it every time they may get the idea and stop doing it, or at least tire of having to explain every time.

I completely agree with this advice and would second it. I'd keep the comments fun and light. Like others said, they may not even realize they are leaving you out of the conversation. This is an easy way to let them know without causing friction.

[swedish cook]

I think if it were me, the next time I invited them to my house I'd tell them in a fun way that you've all decided it's English only at your table, because you all agree as a family that otherwise you feel left out of the conversation.

Another thought is every time they do it tell them you feel left out of the conversation and ask them what they were talking about. If you do it every time they may get the idea and stop doing it, or at least tire of having to explain every time.

Thanks for your suggestions. With all my international friends it can be a problem when we meet in big groups. It's almost funny hearing someone switch mid-sentence. I grew up with two languages (Swedish and German) and there could be a long discussion with one family member talking one language and the other family member talking the other. Here in the US we sometimes repeat it with DH talking Swedish and me replying in English.

I was, however, always told that if others could not understand what you were saying it would be very rude and easily interpreted as a conversation badmouthing them. You just have to discipline yourself outside the immediate family.

[newtricks]

I really think you can't address it. You can either accept their behaviour or not invite them.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Etiquet..._United_States

"The highest tenet of North American etiquette is that it is inappropriate to tell others they are not following proper etiquette, unless 1) they are specifically asking whether they are being rude, or 2) the person is under your instruction, such as is the case with a parent, babysitter, teacher, or supervisor."

I agree with your point that it would be rude to say "you're being rude". But I think it's perfectly fine to say something like what Julie and TKay are suggesting. And keep it to "I" statements like "I feel left out/uncomfortable/ out of the loop".

I'm just wondering how her dh feels when she and the kids do it!

[ADM]

I'm just wondering how her dh feels when she and the kids do it!

The father may not be fluently bilingual, but if they have been married long enough to have teenage kids he has to have learned some of the language.