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Thread: Oh.My.Gosh.

  1. #1
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    Oh.My.Gosh.

    Can this really be happening? I mean can this really be the reason?

    DD's fiance's mother asked to have a one on one meeting with him, her and his father. They arranged a date and time. At the meeting, they explained to him that this wedding was just too extravagant.
    They he and his fiance to be were supposed to be mature adults, this this was the type of wedding that a 21 year old would throw. they just didn't agree with this display of showniess and that it just looked like they were showing off. As a result of this, they will not be attending any of the functions surrounding the wedding. (The shower, the rehearsal, the rehearsal meal) and would not be in attendance at the wedding.

    The showiness? A Photobooth, a DJ with dancing and a Pizza Reception with with wood fired oven. These are the only reasons that we can think of that would be a little off the wall.....but would these reasons be a good reason to tell your son that his mom and dad and sister, nor would his grandmother be in attendance.

    We are so stunned and I just feel so badly for this really kind and good man.
    You may have had a lot of unfair things happen, but when you look back over your life, remember something good that has happened for you. Replay the good memories. Joel Osteen

  2. #2
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    I'm not sure what a Photobooth is, but neither the DJ nor the pizza reception sound terribly extravagant to me. Unless the groom's parents are being forced to pay the bill, I don't understand why they're objecting so vehemently. It's so sad that they're hijacking the wedding by threatening not to attend - and even worse that they would keep other family members from attending .

    I hope that your DD and her fiance are able to talk some sense into them...
    The motive power of democracy is love. ~ Henri Bergson

  3. #3
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    The photo booth is like you see in a mall where several people go in and are photographed. At a wedding (or other event) the price includes 4 hours of photos. Anywhere from 1-6 people can enter at one time and props are provided, If you so desire. Things like boas, big sunglasses, hats...People use their imaginations and there can be some really hilarious results. Everyone in the booth gets a copy of the picture and the bride and groom get a copy of all who was photographed.

    The grooms parents were going to have a rehearsal breakfast at their home for about 10 people (rehearsal is day of wedding), but will no longer be doing that. And she asked if she could do the grooms cake, which I am assuming that she is no longer doing.

    DD and DF have a budget that they are working hard to stay under budget.

    Like I said, we are stunned. He will have no family members at the wedding. That must really sting.
    You may have had a lot of unfair things happen, but when you look back over your life, remember something good that has happened for you. Replay the good memories. Joel Osteen

  4. #4
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    How sad for your DD and her fiance! A pizza reception is too much? From reading your posts over the years I think you have a good grip on what would be an extravagance. This seems like a nicely done simple wedding...rehearsal breakfast the day of the event, etc. I love the idea of pizza from a wood burning oven! I don't go to many weddings but if you're paying for a photographer to be there, then why not allow everyone at the reception have some fun with it. It's a nice way to engage the loved ones you have thought enough of to invite.

    Earlier this year you had posed a question about offending someone with serving alcohol....is it the grooms family that you were concerned about? I'm not sure how you can compromise on this and it sounds like the couple must be paying for a lot of this themselves. While weddings are about families, it is about the bride and groom and possibly his parents need to realize this. Boycotting the wedding will not be something that will ever be forgotten. As my former MIL said...her job was to show up, shut up and wear beige and she stuck to it.

    I'm really sorry your daughter has to go thru this on her very special day. I'm sorry for you too as her mother.

  5. #5
    Is this for real? Do they go around in sack cloth and ashes flagellating themselves. Do they exist on bread and water and resent any kind of joyful or pleasurable experience?

    You are not out of whack - it is the groom's parents who have serious screws loose.

    First and most important for in any way emotionally blackmailing a reception as I don't think anyone except the couple and those paying for it have a say unless it is patently offensive - i.e. a nude orgy at Plato's retreat

    Secondly - what kind of twisted mind thinks a DJ, pizza and a photo booth are extravagances only suitable to immature souls

  6. #6
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    No, it was actually my husbands mother who would have been offended, by alcohol being served but I sat her down and we discussed it. She is accepting it better now that she knows that my daughter is going to church. She hopes her pastor will preach on relevant scripture that will influence her to see that drinking is bad. Bless my MIL's heart. Thing is that drinking goes against her very core and yet she is still going.

    And yes, DD is paying for 2/3rds of wedding and us one third.

    It is very sad for DF because things are now very strained with his parents.

    My husband was very upset and said
    "Don't they realize that by doing this, they are basically disowning their son? Who would do that to their own son or daughter?"

    They should both be so proud because here we have two adults going into a marriage totally Debt Free, they worked on that for two years. Very responsible kids. And paying CASH for everything for the wedding.

    And I need to stay out of it and not try to reason with his mom, right?
    You may have had a lot of unfair things happen, but when you look back over your life, remember something good that has happened for you. Replay the good memories. Joel Osteen

  7. #7
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    I am going to be of no help....

    did I mention elopement

    Good thing your daughter sees the type of family she is marrying into now. It is sad when parents attempt emotional blackmail because it usually backfires and they will miss out on many family events.

    I wonder what hold the mother has on her son, if any...and can your DD live happily knowing it exists?
    If yes, then do as they please with the wedding and too bad if the in-laws miss their son's wedding...it is their decision and ultimate call.
    I confess since they are paying for none of it, how can they even feel justified to comment.
    If this has to do with anything about religion, then I am clueless how to proceed but suffice it to say, this sort of control will be just the beginning.
    I wish them well.
    Thoreau said, 'A man is rich in proportion to the things he can leave alone.'

  8. #8
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    Quote Originally Posted by jmarie View Post
    She hopes her pastor will preach on relevant scripture that will influence her to see that drinking is bad.
    You can pretty much guess that the scriptures won't be John 2: 1-11.

  9. #9
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    It really is hard to understand why they feel any need to comment about the wedding since the kids are paying for the majority of it and no one is going into debt over it. The wedding reception is a party to celebrate the union of a couple and it should reflect their personalities and style as they entertain their guests. Sounds like they have found some fun ways to do that.

    Is it possible these ideas are so unusual to his parents that they presume they must be terribly expensive? Are they from a crowd that expects punch and cake at the church fellowship hall, nothing more and nothing less? Is it possible they don't approve of the marriage and this is their way of voicing that?

    Whatever is really going on, you, your DD and future SIL have my sympathies. The childish behavior reminds me of my dad. Tell you what -- I'll talk to the groom's parents if you talk to my dad!

    Hope it works itself out.

  10. #10
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    I think their behavior is unconscionable; this also can't be the first time they've displayed this aspect of their natures, though, can it? Your poor prospective SIL. I do hope he is not going to allow himself to be influenced by them, and that he continues to stand strong in the years to come. How can they make sure that his sister and grandmother don't attend, though? Don't these people have minds of their own? And is this just an excuse to cover some other objection to the bride, the religion, the marriage, the weather, whatever?

    I would stay out of it, though, and let your future SIL deal with it, just giving him as much sympathy as possible. And try to make sure that there's no hidden agenda on anyone's part that will poison the marriage after it occurs.
    Chacun à son goût!

  11. #11
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    What in the world? That just makes no sense. None.

    I hope the young man has a good head on his shoulders and doesn't cave to this type of emotional blackmail. If he does, it could set up a very bad precedent.

    How do your daughter and her finace feel about this? Are they willing to go ahead?

    The only thing I can think of is that his parents feel they are losing control over his life and this is a way of reinforcing that control. It is all I can come up with as a motive.

  12. #12
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    Like others are saying, if they're not contributing financially, then what concern of theirs is it? Unless by having some more "extravagant" they feel guilty for not contributing?

    I agree with Beth's thinking - could be that they have an issue/concern with the marriage and are trying to indirectly voice that, or, even worse, might just be trying to sabotage the wedding so it doesn't go through.

    Maybe you should go to DF's parents and ask them more directly what is going on as it's not making sense?

  13. #13
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    Yes, they are going through with everything. they feel that it will be the parents loss not theirs. At this moment he is living with them, because the place he was living in was sold a couple of weeks ago and the marriage planning was already in the works. He pays rent, cable TV and buys groceries.

    DD is trying to get him to talk to them and ask them if they would just like to come to the wedding and then sneak out since it is the reception that bothers them.

    Personally I think that they are ashamed because of the supposed lack of decorum at the reception. Their fear is that it is going to be a redneck reception, or something, because D is doing things that are new to this area. I have to tell you I was a bit stunned about the pizza, but after expressing my concern once and DD telling me to Google it, I got over it.

    But as for the wedding, there is going to be a live violinist, a Baptist Pastor, 6 weeks of counseling before the wedding, Flowers, It is going to be an outdoor wedding , hopefully overlooking a river (Rain?). The wedding is a traditional wedding and they aren't even making up their their own vows.

    She must be the church, cake and mints kind of person. (we are doing that too.) We are sad for them, but from all I can see, I don't see anyone caving on the bridal party end of things.

    Just feeling bad for him.
    Joyce
    You may have had a lot of unfair things happen, but when you look back over your life, remember something good that has happened for you. Replay the good memories. Joel Osteen

  14. #14
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    I believe I would tell them "We are very sorry you won't be sharing our special day with us - You'll be missed." Calmly. Ball in their court.
    Life is not the way it's supposed to be. It's the way it is. The way you cope with it is what makes the difference.

  15. #15
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    I wonder if they realize that their snub and ultimatum is going to affect the rest of their lives with their son and D-I-L and possibly a grandchild too? The damage, in my opinion, has been done. I hope they can salvage what remains of the relationship.

  16. #16
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    [QUOTE I believe I would tell them "We are very sorry you won't be sharing our special day with us - You'll be missed."][/QUOTE]

    I will pass this on. we have been so stunned that none of us have been able to be too rational about it. On my end, we have been very careful not to speak ill of the MIL to be. We would love to see this resolved.

    I wonder if they realize that their snub and ultimatum is going to affect the rest of their lives with their son and D-I-L and possibly a grandchild too?
    He does have a DD, 4 years.who she dearly loves. And that has been mentioned by him. (And this is what concerns me). Family is family, good or bad, sometimes you have to let the bad element go, like I had to do with my sister...but these are his parents. This is quite a bit different. And I just can't even see what would make them do this. I would do anything I could to remove pain in my child's life, but to be the case if it? To alienate myself from my child's most important day of their life. And this young man and my Daughter are so good together. they have the same core values. they have this unique open line of communication.

    Link to Pizza reception
    http://www.stylemepretty.com/2008/12...cole-grant-iv/

    Doghouse let their domain retire. But the use only fresh organic ingredients (veggies, spices and cheeses) and from everything I have heard their pizzas are the best around. I can let you know tonight. we are going to sign contract and have a pizza! YUM!
    You may have had a lot of unfair things happen, but when you look back over your life, remember something good that has happened for you. Replay the good memories. Joel Osteen

  17. #17
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    Just want to say that I'm so sorry for the young couple. All good advice and possible explanations I could think of have already been given.
    We give dogs time we can spare, space we can spare and love we can spare. And in return, dogs give us their all. It's the best deal man has ever made.
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  18. #18
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    I'm not great at deciphering family dramas so please correct me if I'm wrong.
    DD's fiance is currently living with his parents, the ones who are boycotting everything, even though there is no financial requirement from them? and he didn't foresee and can't explain what's going on here? He may not be able to change anything but I imagine he knows what's going on.

    fiance has a 4 yo daughter from a previous relationship? .... assume the child lives with her mother. what kind of relationship do his parents have with the mother? could their objections be because of this previous relationship and child? that he should do penance for the rest of his life because of it?
    "If the world were a logical place, men would ride side saddle." Rita Mae Brown

  19. #19
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    You just mentioned a 4 yr old daughter. Has he been married before? That may be the source of some of their conflict, even though it is your daughter's first marriage. I've known folks to not feel a second marriage deserves the same kind of celebration. (ETA :Valerie types faster)

    I still think you've got a 50/50 shot at them just throwing their weight around vs actually not attending. The receiving line should be interesting if they don't. Large cardboard cutouts?

  20. #20
    The most important thing is - what does her fiance say about the situation? Is he ignoring the threat (like an ostrich) or is he standing up to his parents about the forthcoming wedding and reception? As others have mentioned, it will affect their entire married lives. If he lets his parents *win* this round, it will only be one of many more in the future. His reaction (nor non-reaction) will be the key to their future happiness.
    The cardiologist's diet: - If it tastes good spit it out!

  21. #21
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    tee hee.. Beth.. I might be totally misguided but I'm lightning fast at it!!

    It sounds like punishment for a past relationship gone wrong that fiance's parents have not forgiven .

    FWIW my SIL & her DH were going to boycott the wedding of her son, the son of her previous unhappy marriage. after pressure from other family members, SIL & DH relented and showed up for the church ceremony and a few small things and left early. they didn't participate fully but it was the best compromise we could reach.

    SIL & DH were very vocal about their objections. people who take uncompromising positions usually can't be quiet or subtle about it. think fiance's parents have probably made it abundantly clear what their objections are to their son, and for some reason he's not saying.
    "If the world were a logical place, men would ride side saddle." Rita Mae Brown

  22. #22
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    Most of the good stuff's already been said, but I'll add this: how the fiance handles his parents' manipulation now is a litmus test for how well he can hold them off over the years. If he caves in, then I'm afraid he wouldn't be a good match--however, I think you've said the couple is going ahead with everything, and lovingly telling the parents "I hope you can make it, but if not, we'll miss you," and if that's the case, then the fiance is probably the type to stay strong over the years & put his marriage first, & not buckle under the thumb of the parents who want a grown son to do things their way.

    I'm sorry this is happening; what a tough situation.
    If you're afraid of butter, use cream. ~~ Julia Child

    As you cook, you enjoy omniscience about food that no amount of label reading can match. Having retaken control of the meal from the food scientists, you know exactly what is in it. (Unless you start w/cream of mushroom soup, in which case all bets are off.) To reclaim control over one's food, to take it back from industry & science, is no small thing; indeed, in our time, cooking from scratch qualifies as subversive. ~~ Michael Pollan

  23. #23
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    No, there was no other marriage. He is an active part in his child's life. They have split custody all done out of court. (Though this may change when the marriage occurs.) He has been a very positive force in his childs life and has done right by the EX-GF.

    His mother seemed fine with the engagement, came to the first planning meeting with the wedding planner and seemed excited, from my perspective. Even got excited and asked to do the grooms wedding cake, to which we agreed.

    He isn't budging. DD has asked him to talk to parents, but he refuses. He picks up DD at his appointed time, goes to my daughters apartment, stays till child's bedtime, takes her home, puts her to bed, goes to bed and leaves again the next day, same routine...and the grandmother isn't seeing her only and most beloved grandchild right now. No, he absolutely isn't caving and from what I understand once his mother sinks her heels in, she can hold a grudge for a long time.

    He said they kept repeating the word extravagant. And before he left, he said he raised his hands in the air and said: "Extravagant? You have this huge house on the golf course that you can't afford and there are only two of you and you have the audacity to say WE are being extravagant?"...and walked out. So, I feel that had to be their supposed feeling....but can't help but wonder what the real reason was/is.

    Parents are going to lose out in SO many ways. But they are keeping on, keeping on. God bless 'em.
    You may have had a lot of unfair things happen, but when you look back over your life, remember something good that has happened for you. Replay the good memories. Joel Osteen

  24. #24
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    I would have to guess this is about control. They may think the wedding is too extravagant, too simple, too tacky , too dull, or too whatever. However, they aren't paging for it, and it doesn't seem to offend any deeply held religious, moral, or cultural tradition asi can see the issue of alcohol might). As OP mentioned, I think they want to see just how much contro they have over you DD and SILv

    It sounds like DD and SIlL are doing the right thing, and you are as well by not speaking negatively about the future in-laws to DD no matter how much you want to. IME, this will not be the last time these in-laws pull a stunt like this.

    FWIW, I think the pizza reception sounds really neat.
    Claire

    It doesn't matter what you think, just that you do.

  25. #25
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    Quote Originally Posted by clairea View Post
    I would have to guess this is about control. They may think the wedding is too extravagant, too simple, too tacky , too dull, or too whatever. However, they aren't paging for it, and it doesn't seem to offend any deeply held religious, moral, or cultural tradition asi can see the issue of alcohol might). As OP mentioned, I think they want to see just how much contro they have over you DD and SILv

    It sounds like DD and SIlL are doing the right thing, and you are as well by not speaking negatively about the future in-laws to DD no matter how much you want to. IME, this will not be the last time these in-laws pull a stunt like this.
    FWIW, I think the pizza reception sounds really neat.
    Not by a long shot. Our wedding was the tip of the iceberg for my inlaws.

    But I was naive, didn't realize the extent of the crazy and encouraged DH to talk to them like rational human beings. Mistake! I would suggest to your DD that she back off on asking him to talk to them. They are his parents and he knows the history. He has stood up to them, he's not backing down or caving. I'd leave it at that.

  26. #26
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    If the reception offended some kind of life standard (moral, religious or other) and they felt they could not attend it without compromising a value that's important to them then they should have offered some alternative: "I'm sorry we will be unable to attend the planned reception because of 'X' but we still want to celebrate with you and would like to ______ (take you out to dinner after the wedding? Have a few people over for cake the following week? Whatever)" That's what rational people would do. As other posters have stated this is just emotional blackmail and the best way to handle that is not to buy into it. The minute they do they'll be repeating this scene for the rest of their lives with the offense of the moment.

    I find it interesting that they have a problem with a photo booth but not with an out of wedlock grandchild (you said their son's daughter was a beloved grandchild).
    Linda

    When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single bit of talent left and I could say “I used everything you gave me.”

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  27. #27
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    Quote Originally Posted by jmarie View Post
    they just didn't agree with this display of showniess and that it just looked like they were showing off.
    Quote Originally Posted by jmarie View Post
    Personally I think that they are ashamed because of the supposed lack of decorum at the reception. Their fear is that it is going to be a redneck reception, or something, because D is doing things that are new to this area. I have to tell you I was a bit stunned about the pizza, but after expressing my concern once and DD telling me to Google it, I got over it.
    I'm confused - how can it be "redneck" and "showy" at the same time?


    I don't have anything to add except that I am sad for the couple. I wish them the best.

  28. #28
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    Caffe Latte.... I am just trying to figure them out...the redneck was my words for what they may be thinking, but perhaps didn't want to say. He may be better off without them. When I think about my sister, I know that I am better off without her. I wish for better, but it's not going to happen, because I refuse to be her walking mat. And I guess I should just accept that perhaps, he feels this way about his parents.

    He is handling this very well. DD is, as well. So, for now all I can say is that it is their loss because he really is a good guy. More importantly, he is good to my daughter.
    You may have had a lot of unfair things happen, but when you look back over your life, remember something good that has happened for you. Replay the good memories. Joel Osteen

  29. #29
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    but not with an out of wedlock grandchild (you said their son's daughter was a beloved grandchild).
    Who could not love a child, any child.
    You may have had a lot of unfair things happen, but when you look back over your life, remember something good that has happened for you. Replay the good memories. Joel Osteen

  30. #30
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    You'd be surprised! It doesn't make sense to me either, though.
    Chacun à son goût!

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