Community Message Boards
Results 1 to 18 of 18

Thread: Please knock some sense into me

  1. #1
    Join Date
    Oct 2004
    Location
    White Mtns of NH
    Posts
    408

    Please knock some sense into me

    Because my sister isn't doing the job.

    I live in a very small community, great education, have a child,House, self sufficient. Etc.

    I had been dating a guy for the past three years, get along great, owned a lobster boat together, skied, dinner every night, etc.

    Now he has found his true love via facebook in Florida and I'm the bad guy. We have so much in common, that's what makes it tough.

    I'm 51, decent looking, loyal, vassar grad in economics. the area I live in there are just no men, I apologize for my grammar, I'm using an iPad. My sister keeps telling me he's a great guy, this while he's making plans to sell the lobster boat and go to Florida,

    Please please tell me that I'm too young for this and to get my groove on. I'm heartbroken and feel like I'm being sucked not quicksand in this small town. My sister tells me ways to get him back, not sure if I want to.

    Please knock some sense into me.

  2. #2
    Join Date
    Oct 2004
    Location
    White Mtns of NH
    Posts
    408
    Eta, sucked into quicksand...

  3. #3
    Join Date
    Dec 2003
    Location
    In my heaven on earth
    Posts
    13,237
    Sell the boat and move to Colorado.


    "Life isn't about finding yourself. Life is about creating yourself" ~ George Bernard Shaw


  4. #4
    Join Date
    Aug 2008
    Location
    SF 'burbs
    Posts
    1,217
    A man like that you dont WANT back. You may not shake it off and get your groove back today, but you will get it back.
    YOU are a catch. Him not so much.
    Jill

    "Be kind to your neighbor... he knows where you live." -Brian Copeland

  5. #5
    Join Date
    Jun 2000
    Location
    NJ USA
    Posts
    3,222
    If he wants to go, there's not much you can do to stop him. In my experience, the harder you try (if you decided to follow your sister's advice), the faster he'll leave. Is the new "relationship" totally through Facebook, no in real life contact?? Sounds like a mid-life crisis to me.

    Hold your head up, wish him good luck, and get on with your life. Best of luck to you.

  6. #6
    Join Date
    Dec 2001
    Location
    Heading WEST!!
    Posts
    15,416
    I am so sorry you are dealing with this.
    If he can do this to you after three years of continually dating and financial commitment to a lobster boat...be grateful you have seen his true colors now.
    DO NOT go after him. Run....
    Let the weasel realize what he is missing and when he comes back crawling to you, tell him to go back to florida.

    You will meet someone who deserves your strength, beauty and smarts.
    Thoreau said, 'A man is rich in proportion to the things he can leave alone.'

  7. #7
    Join Date
    Apr 2002
    Location
    San Francisco
    Posts
    19,680
    Quote Originally Posted by doglady8 View Post

    Please please tell me that I'm too young for this and to get my groove on. I'm heartbroken and feel like I'm being sucked not quicksand in this small town. My sister tells me ways to get him back, not sure if I want to.

    Please knock some sense into me.
    I think your sister is the one who needs sense knocked into her. You can't stop him from selling property, moving, deciding this is his "true love" - whatever. It's not a matter to be reasoned out between adults. And I'm highly skeptical of the "ways to get him back" even if you wanted to.

    He may be great in some ways, but if you are suddenly being positioned as the "bad guy" while he's off to Florida for a Facebook romance, he can't be THAT great. (Not to be harsh, because he obviously is wonderful in many ways or you wouldn't have had three good, solid years together).

    I think before worrying about your prospects in your small town, you should deal with the relationship and loss on its own terms, because that's what it's all about right now.

    I am so very sorry you're going through this. I know it's easy to toss out opinions and judgments from the outside, but when you're the person living it, who knows all the good stuff, too, and who has the hole in her heart/life, it's more complex than "Good riddance!"
    Happiness is not a goal, it is a byproduct. - Eleanor Roosevelt

  8. #8
    Join Date
    Feb 2005
    Location
    Denton, TX
    Posts
    1,366
    Quote Originally Posted by wallycat View Post
    I am so sorry you are dealing with this.

    You will meet someone who deserves your strength, beauty and smarts.
    Said so much better than I ever could.

    Michelle

  9. #9
    Quote Originally Posted by Canice View Post
    I think your sister is the one who needs sense knocked into her. You can't stop him from selling property, moving, deciding this is his "true love" - whatever. It's not a matter to be reasoned out between adults. And I'm highly skeptical of the "ways to get him back" even if you wanted to.

    He may be great in some ways, but if you are suddenly being positioned as the "bad guy" while he's off to Florida for a Facebook romance, he can't be THAT great. (Not to be harsh, because he obviously is wonderful in many ways or you wouldn't have had three good, solid years together).

    I think before worrying about your prospects in your small town, you should deal with the relationship and loss on its own terms, because that's what it's all about right now.

    I am so very sorry you're going through this. I know it's easy to toss out opinions and judgments from the outside, but when you're the person living it, who knows all the good stuff, too, and who has the hole in her heart/life, it's more complex than "Good riddance!"
    This, exactly. And follow it up with some theraputic ice cream.
    ______

    Elizabeth

    Walking Towards Wellness, my personal challenge to walk 10,000 steps per day in 2014 while living with and managing a chronic illness. Walk with me.

  10. #10
    Join Date
    May 2002
    Location
    Arlington, WA
    Posts
    5,772
    I'd say goodby and good riddance. Take care of yourself. Try something new, spend time with reliable trusted friends and family... probably not your sister. Get a dog, get a cat. Volunteer, plant a garden, take a yoga class, keep busy. Do not sit around feeling sorry for yourself. You're better off by yourself than with someone who can create an imaginary life with a fictional person he doesn't even "know" on Facebook!

    When he shows up back on your doorstep you can reassess but you might find he doesn't look so appealing after dumping you for an illusion.
    "If the world were a logical place, men would ride side saddle." Rita Mae Brown

  11. #11
    Join Date
    Apr 2004
    Location
    Chicago
    Posts
    4,347
    Listen to these wise people and let him go.

    You deserve someone who will love you and want to be with you. Not someone who would abandon you in this manner.

    I have no idea what in the world your sister is thinking.

  12. #12
    Join Date
    Dec 2008
    Location
    North Carolina
    Posts
    2,198
    Two lessons in life I've learned - Everything happens for a reason and When one door closes another one opens.

    Wallycat said it best: You will meet someone who deserves your strength, beauty and smarts. Let this door close, so another one can open, and know that this has happened for a reason - you deserve better than to be involved in a relationship with someone who is obviously looking for something else.

  13. #13
    Join Date
    Oct 2000
    Location
    Columbus, OH USA
    Posts
    5,259
    Just sending vitural hugs and agreement with the other posts. Hard right now but you are going to be fine! (And your sister is the one who needs hit upside the head!)
    You can't drink rum on the beach all day if you don't start in the morning.

  14. #14
    Join Date
    Jan 2004
    Location
    NashVegas, baby!
    Posts
    5,889
    *sigh*

    Similar thing happened to me recently. Close to your age, had given up on finding TruLuv, found someone who I clicked with in unbelievable ways -- he was the person I never even knew I wanted or would have hoped to find. The connection/passion was mutual, too. Difference is that the relationship was months not years, and I knew he was a somewhat risky prospect to start with due to a recent divorce. But one day he told me he loved me --the first such utterance by either of us-- and a week later he told me he'd met someone else that week he'd fallen head-over-heels for and realized that was screwed up, so he wasn't going to date anyone until he'd gotten his act together. He sold his house and moved I-don't-know-where.

    It hurt. It hurt spectacularly. Five months later, it still hurts, but a tiny bit less. I spent a few months walking around in a daze, sort of unable to believe he was gone.

    I DON'T believe everything happens for a reason, closed doors = other open ones, there's a lid for every pot, and any other platitude that might get tossed your way in well-meaning sympathy. I'm within a few years of your age, and when that particular door closed in September, I was pretty sure I. Was. Done. As I said to a friend, "I might as well start collecting cats."

    And here it is March, and I've been dating someone new since Dec. It's slower, it's not the grand passion, he's got issues, too, but ... the point is, it doesn't have to be over. I didn't sit at home waiting, though, either. I put myself out there and grabbed the risk to try again. (I hear ya about living in an area with few prospects ... try online, with a wide geographical tolerance. Seriously.)

    Finally, here are a couple of little sayings that helped me:

    One friend said (about a third friend and the man who was treating her poorly) that his actions were only showing her who he was.

    Another nugget, gleaned from TV: "Rejection is God's protection."

    So yeah, painful as hell, but better now than after you'd married him or invested any more time, yes? I still think I was a victim of timing more than anything else -- if I'd met him a few years down the road when he wasn't on the fresh rebound things might have been different. I'll never know, though, and I can't waste energy wondering.
    The Blog is open again!
    http://singlegrrlkitchen.blogspot.com/

    "If God had meant for corn bread to have sugar in it, he'd have called it cake." -- Mark Twain

  15. #15
    Join Date
    Feb 2006
    Location
    Dadeville, AL
    Posts
    12,857
    Quote Originally Posted by Canice View Post
    I think your sister is the one who needs sense knocked into her. You can't stop him from selling property, moving, deciding this is his "true love" - whatever. It's not a matter to be reasoned out between adults. And I'm highly skeptical of the "ways to get him back" even if you wanted to.

    He may be great in some ways, but if you are suddenly being positioned as the "bad guy" while he's off to Florida for a Facebook romance, he can't be THAT great. (Not to be harsh, because he obviously is wonderful in many ways or you wouldn't have had three good, solid years together).

    I think before worrying about your prospects in your small town, you should deal with the relationship and loss on its own terms, because that's what it's all about right now.

    I am so very sorry you're going through this. I know it's easy to toss out opinions and judgments from the outside, but when you're the person living it, who knows all the good stuff, too, and who has the hole in her heart/life, it's more complex than "Good riddance!"
    I agree with Canice and the others. But here's a little mantra that is helping me deal with things in my life -- I heard it on "In Plain Sight"

    "Lesser people than you have done harder things than this." You will survive, and thrive, but first you have to do the hard work. I'm so sorry this is happening in your life. ((((doglady8))))
    Kay
    I'm a WYSIWYG person -- no subterfuge here!

  16. #16
    Join Date
    Oct 2004
    Location
    White Mtns of NH
    Posts
    408
    Thank you all for the kind and encouraging words. I know that you are all correct in that, not matter how much fun we had, and no matter how well we got along, ultimately he is not the type of person I want in my life. It's just that the feelings of betrayal are astounding.

    I'm sure my sister means well, but sometimes you need the opinions of people from outside of the situation who can see things more clearly. And even a bit of tough love.

    It just boggles my mind that people can treat another person this way, but I am just going to repeat... He is not worth it... Over and over.

    Now, off to ski, Bike, garden, rediscover my piano and telescope, and those courses I ordered from The Teaching Company and Rosetta Stone!


    Thank you.

  17. #17
    Join Date
    Jun 2000
    Location
    Sykesville, Maryland
    Posts
    2,696
    Hi. I am sorry you are going though this. I am sure many here had their hearts broken too. My mom always said that its best to be alone than in bad company Well it is a rough translation Mejor sola que mal acompanada.
    I had my heart broken and many tears shed. When I had put aside the prospect of meeting THe one I did. I think good things appear when you least expect them.
    Go out mingle with people, get interested in different activities and hobbies and you will soon meet someone

  18. #18
    Join Date
    Jun 2006
    Location
    Boston, MA
    Posts
    842
    I'm thinking of you. I'm wishing only good things come your way, you certainly deserve it. You will find a good person, they are out there. No matter your age - you should never try to keep someone who has not respected you.

    Just a suggestion that you will decide for yourself (I'm sorry if I am stepping out of line, I don't mean for it to), but when I went through something of similar nature I went to see a therapist. Didn't think it would do much, but I was having a really hard time understanding why someone would cheat, etc... and it did help. It doesn't give you answers, but it helps clear the head and heart a little. They also may have some good advice on how to get back out there and trust again (that was something I had to work on). I don't know if this would be for you, but I know how devastated I was and I hate to think someone else is going through their own pain.

    I'm excited to hear that you have so many wonderful things you want to do. Enjoy those things, give yourself time to "not be your self" and to grieve the loss and do whatever is best for YOU - because everyone will have an opinion and YOU are truly the only one that counts when making those decisions. Just a little Fuel for Thought.

    In Health & Healing,

    Michelle
    Laugh when you can!!!

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •