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Thread: I didn't think I was old-fashioned . . .

  1. #1
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    I didn't think I was old-fashioned . . .

    but this article made me think perhaps I am?

    It's about a young couple, the girl's mom allowed the boyfriend to move in with her for a year. It's not about sex, to me, if they want it, they will figure out how to have it. It's more about the adult nature of a full time commitment that bothers me. I don't think a 17 year old is ready to handle essentially being married, while still in HS and applying to college. What if they want to break up? How would they negotiate that in this situation?

    Is it me, am I too much of a fuddy-duddy?

    http://www.huffingtonpost.com/nina-c...676,b=facebook
    Most people are about as happy as they make up their minds to be.

  2. #2
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    Nope, I'm with you. Although I do tend to think I'm old fashioned about these kind of things in general.
    I agree - if kids want to have sex, they're going to find a way to make it happen. But I believe (here's my old-fashionedness) people should wait until they're married and definitely wait until they're more mature than 17 year olds are. As the mom, I would feel like allowing the bf to move in would be condoning the sex. And absolutely the adult nature of a full-time commitment and essentially living as if they're married would be more than I would be able to deal with in my home, and, I suspect more than I think almost all the 17 year olds I know could handle in a healthy way.
    Connie

  3. #3
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    You're not alone. The mom sounds like she's in lala land especially when she said that 19 is when most young people move out. He didn't. He moved into her home and walks the dog and some other thing for room and board. It also appears he can't hold onto a job. I know I'm OT, but come on; he's got it made. Seventeen is way too young to be so intimately involved with someone.

  4. #4
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    Quote Originally Posted by ccooney View Post
    As the mom, I would feel like allowing the bf to move in would be condoning the sex. And absolutely the adult nature of a full-time commitment and essentially living as if they're married would be more than I would be able to deal with in my home, and, I suspect more than I think almost all the 17 year olds I know could handle in a healthy way.
    Oh the mom is definitely condoning the sex. She mentions that her daughter sets her alarm to remember to take her BC pills!

    It sounds like the mom is happy because she is no longer engaged in what she terms as her risky behavior in early HS: Drinking and pot smoking
    Most people are about as happy as they make up their minds to be.

  5. #5
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    I can go one better - there is a couple at one of our local high schools that actually got married last year while still in high school . There was a story about it written for the high school paper and reprinted in our city's daily paper. You can find the article here : BHS seniors get married
    The motive power of democracy is love. ~ Henri Bergson

  6. #6
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    Quote Originally Posted by RiverFarm View Post
    That article raises all sorts of questions; for one, why did a fellow student give the bride away and not the father whom she moved to Bismarck to live with?

    I think the marriage is better than the live-in arrangement, but they are still way too young. I admit that I have been married for almost 45 years to the man I started dating as a high school student, but between high school and marriage we had many separate and formative experiences before we decided that we wanted to be together for life.
    Maybe the father didn't approve of the wedding? 18 is so young.

    I am a little more liberal. I don't care if they live together or not but I would prefer that they be married to have children....but I try not to judge either way.

  7. #7
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    Old Fashioned

    You bet I am, 'OVER MY DEAD BODY!!!
    V.

  8. #8
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    Quote Originally Posted by VALERIEA234 View Post
    You bet I am, 'OVER MY DEAD BODY!!!
    V.
    Ditto, and I love your response.

  9. #9
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    Growing up and taking on adult responsibilities is about a whole lot more than sex.... this seems a shortcut way to get some adult level "wants" without adult level responsibility. also will making breaking up a lot more complicated than it should be at 17.

    I think a big part of growing up is getting out and living on your own... keeping a job, making decisions about the million small things, learning to live with roommates or by yourself, and then finding a partner to share the responsibilities with. so IMO the order here is wrong. free room & board, cooked meals, utilities, taxes paid, shopping done, all basic needs already covered. it's like being a kid but getting parental approved sex.
    "If the world were a logical place, men would ride side saddle." Rita Mae Brown

  10. #10
    Quote Originally Posted by Valerie226 View Post
    I think a big part of growing up is getting out and living on your own... keeping a job, making decisions about the million small things, learning to live with roommates or by yourself, and then finding a partner to share the responsibilities with. so IMO the order here is wrong. free room & board, cooked meals, utilities, taxes paid, shopping done, all basic needs already covered. it's like being a kid but getting parental approved sex.
    I don't recall in the article where it said the details of their living arrangement. Did it say that they weren't contributing to the household? That one (or both) of them doesn't have a part-time job? That they don't do the cooking or laundry or shopping? Because honestly, you can't say with certainty that they are getting a free ride. My brother was grocery shopping for my family when he was 16 due to our living situation. Not all teens are complete moochers.

  11. #11
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    Quote Originally Posted by I'm New Here View Post
    I don't recall in the article where it said the details of their living arrangement. Did it say that they weren't contributing to the household? That one (or both) of them doesn't have a part-time job? That they don't do the cooking or laundry or shopping? Because honestly, you can't say with certainty that they are getting a free ride. My brother was grocery shopping for my family when he was 16 due to our living situation. Not all teens are complete moochers.
    Um, I don't think this passage sounds as though he's terribly busy: "He earned a certificate in bartending, worked four months as an assistant at a pre-school, two months for a contractor, helped me as a part time assistant when we moved homes, has been seeing a tutor to keep his academic skills sharp, and joined a gym and built up some huge muscles."
    The young man in question is a HS grad, so his responsibilites are minimal. I mean, his gf's mom employed him as a "part-time assistant," for crying out loud. And the author goes into such detail about how proud she is of the things he HAS done, I'd think she'd crow about what he IS doing. Reading between the lines? Maybe, but the author led me there, so I don't think it's a terribly unfair leap. And discomfort with THIS situation has nothing whatsoever to do with other teens, many of whom are very responsible & hardworking.
    As the arc of history bends towards justice, it's a new, more progressive day. --Steve Benen, The Maddow Blog, 11-07-12

  12. #12
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    THe author also lost my respect when she said she found herself "negotiating how late [the boyfriend] could stay on school nights, and how long they could be in Violet's room with the door closed."

    C'mon. You don't negotiate - you're the parent! You set the rules for what goes on in your house. And if you don't care at all if the two of them are in her room with the door closed, then just be honest and say so. If you are waffling as to how much time is "appropriate" then that says to me that you are really uncomfortable with it.

    Personally, when I was growing up none of my friends nor I were allowed to have members of the opposite sex on the second floor at all, let alone with the door closed!

    She sounds a little too defensive to me. I wonder if she is as "cool" with all this as she claims to be.
    Most people are about as happy as they make up their minds to be.

  13. #13
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    I wonder what the parents of the boy think about him moving in w/ another family....
    More calm, cool, scathing logic that drives women crazy...

  14. #14
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    Quote Originally Posted by Escher View Post
    I wonder what the parents of the boy think about him moving in w/ another family....
    They are apparently "lovely" people. What I took away from the article was that they were fine with the arrangement. Everyone is happy, happy, happy, I guess.

    Funny thing--when we graduated from college, my then-boyfriend/now-husband worked a summer job near my parents. They offered to let him live with them during the summer to save a little cash. Note: I was not there. I was working/living in another city. My bf/dh's parents were absolutely mortified at the arrangement and what it "implied." We were both technically adults, and I wasn't living in the household at the time, but his parents really hated the situation. I'm not sure why, to tell the truth. But that was over 20 years ago (). Are things that different? Is this another symptom of helicopter parenting?
    As the arc of history bends towards justice, it's a new, more progressive day. --Steve Benen, The Maddow Blog, 11-07-12

  15. #15
    To each their own as long as no harm is done....and I'm someone in my late 30s with a bf in his late 40s, and when we stayed with his parents for a weekend last summer, we slept in separate bedrooms.

    I actually have a distant cousin whose bf moved in with her family when she was still in HS. I was shocked at the time though I don't know the sleeping arrangements. I know he didn't have a stable home life. This is a small town, rural, farm family who have never had a lot materially, but I've always thought their 3 kids were the some of the BEST behaved, kindest, most compassionate I've ever known.

    This same couple are now expecting their 2nd child, have been married 3-4 years, live very near her parents, and are in their early to mid 20s, and by all accounts are super happy and still very close to her family-her now 17 year old sister is her best friend.
    Jennifer


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