Shower gift question

[MaryMorph]

My husband's nephew is getting married in the fall. They live several states away, and we will only be going to the wedding---no other functions. We saw the couple a few weeks ago and were told that her family was hosting a few showers and that I would be invited to one of those.

Last week, I received an invite to one of those showers. I promptly emailed the hostess and said that I wouldn't be coming, but that I would be sending a gift to her for the bride.

The next day, I received an email from my MIL saying that the groom's side of the family WILL be holding a shower for her. Again, we won't be able to go to the shower.

SO...my question is...what do I do about a gift? I don't really want to buy her 2 shower gifts, and the gift that I like to give for showers isn't really splittable. Do I send a small gift to the first shower and a regular present to the second? Do I send an email to hostess #1 saying not to watch for a gift since I'm giving one at hostess #2's party? Do I just forget about the first shower all together (and hope the hostess forgets about my email) and just send something to #2? Do I send to #1 as planned and skip a gift for #2 (not really what I want to do since party #2 is where I know people and it would be obvious that I had skipped it.)

Comments?

Thanks!

mary jo

[zwieback]

First off, you definitely do not need to send 2 gifts. I would send the gift to the place where you know who is giving the shower and just send a little note to the first place stating you just received an invitation to the other shower, so you'll send it there. The hostess will inderstand.

Does the couple by any chance already live together or, does one of them live in the place that they will share after they are married? If so, you could always send the gift there, presuming neither of the showers are a surprise.

Either way, I would just send an email to the first hostess to let her know you're sending the gift elsewhere.

[LakeMartinGal]

Either way, I would just send an email to the first hostess to let her know you're sending the gift elsewhere.

I agree with this! Multiple shower invitations are a pain, and unless you're in the bride's or groom's immediate family, I think it's fine to chose 1 shower to send the gift for! (And, yes, I know I shouldn't have ended the sentence with a preposition!)

[jmarie]

We received regrets for the showers and then the guest brought the gift to the wedding.

Some sent regrets to the shower, and then ordered off the registry and sent the gift straight to the bride's address.

And some were asking what else they needed so they could bring a gift to the wedding in addition to the shower gift and were pleasantly surprised when I told them one gift was all that was needed.

I would send regrets to both showers and deliver the gift to the wedding, as there will be a table set up for that reason. (Oh, just re-read), send the gift to the hostess, and forget about the rest.

Everyone who is invited to the shower is supposed to be invited to the wedding. And there is definitely an etiquette rule that covers the one gift per wedding. (either via shower, via wedding, via registry)

Have fun at the wedding! If it was half as much fun as ours, you are going to have a BLAST!!

[Goin' Coastal]

Everyone who is invited to the shower is supposed to be invited to the wedding. And there is definitely an etiquette rule that covers the one gift per wedding. (either via shower, via wedding, via registry)

BLAST!!

I have never found this to be common practice. If you go to a shower a gift is expected, and another gift for the wedding.

[Cafe Latte]

I have never found this to be common practice. If you go to a shower a gift is expected, and another gift for the wedding.

I agree - showers and wedding are separate and gifts are required for each. I agree with only one gift for the shower(s) - especially when you are not able to attend either.

[LakeMartinGal]

I agree - showers and wedding are separate and gifts are required for each. I agree with only one gift for the shower(s) - especially when you are not able to attend either.

I have never found this to be common practice. If you go to a shower a gift is expected, and another gift for the wedding.

I agree -- I have always given two gifts, one for the shower and one for the wedding. I have even given more than one shower gift, when the bride was a relative or close friend, and I was invited to multiple showers.

[amarante]

Not to seem curmudgeonly about the whole thing but I think multiple showers - especially with the same guest list are a bit greedy.

I understand showers where the participants are completely different like a shower at work or a shower in the bride's city among her friends who AREN'T going to the wedding but why on earth are multiple showers necessary except to amass more gifts.

Otherwise I would think that you coordinate the showers. Isn't that what the Maid of Honor throws traditionally?

And why would I give a two wedding gifts - one for the shower and one for the wedding - or even three?

I have always assumed the registry was for wedding gifts and typically a shower had a more fun theme like lingerie.

[jmarie]

I was sure that we had researched this, and now I am only finding one familiar paragraph.

It is acceptable to give a large gift at the shower as both a shower and wedding gift. If you want to give the couple something very special from their registry, this is OK to do. If your budget is modest, don't feel obligated to spend more than you can on gifts or on giving a generous check. The amount you spend should be determined not only by the closeness you have with the bride, groom, or both, but also by your own budget. You'd probably want to do more for, say, your best friend on the planet than you would for a college friend you've only spoken to a few times in the past ten years.

Everything else said that it should be two gifts. I have never done 2 gifts and now feel quite embarrassed. We always do a nice shower gift though, we didn't skimp. But wow. Isn't that a lot for the bride and groom to have to carry home. if a lot of people bring their gifts to the wedding?
Thanks for calling me out on that. We have a wedding coming up next year and am really glad to know this.

As for DD, it didn't matter to her. They had a difficult time wrapping their brains around a gift registry because they felt that was begging for gifts. She would not have wanted two gifts, but that's her, and everyone is different.

[Gumbeaux]

But wow. Isn't that a lot for the bride and groom to have to carry home. if a lot of people bring their gifts to the wedding?

I've been to several weddings where a family member that owned a SUV or minivan was a designated driver in charge of loading and delivering the gifts.

[BarbaraL]

Regarding the original question, I'd notify the first hostess that I'd been invited to a second shower and say I was sending the gift to that shower.

I give a shower gift and a wedding gift. A shower gift isn't required if you don't attend the shower, but close friends and family members often give one anyway.

Personally, I like a gift registry, so I can give a gift I know the couple wants. I wouldn't hesitate to give a gift not on the registry if I knew of something the couple would like.

I try to avoid bringing the gift to the wedding if at all possible. It can be a hassle; someone has to keep an eye on the gifts at the reception and the family has to deal with packing them up and bringing them home, instead of relaxing after an exciting and exhausting day (or week).

[MaryMorph]

Thanks everyone for the advice. I think I'll email hostess #1 and let her know that I'll be doing shower #2 instead.

I've always done 2 gifts...My standard shower gift has been given to many since I received it for a shower that was held for me. I've found a company that makes very nice, very reasonably priced personalized stationary. If the bride is changing her name, I will get her some of it. The wedding gift is normally off of the registry...a place setting or something similar.

Where I'm from, it's common to have many small showers rather than 1 large shower. I had one with my college friends, my HS friends and their moms, the neighborhood ladies that I grew up with, my aunts/grandmothers, people that I worked with, and my husband's families. None of them had more than 10-15 people at them, if even that many (with the exception of my husband's enormous family). I also had a bachelorette party where some slinky stuff was given. I like it this way; I'm rather introverted and smaller groups are easier to manage for me. Additionally, I find it more fun when everyone knows each other; people are more comfortable. The only duplicate guests were my mom and my sister (my maid of honor).

I think in this situation, the last shower was kind of a last minute idea, so that's why the double invites. She doesn't strike me as a gift grabber.

Thanks again for the advice!

mary jo

[MaryMorph]

Oh, and I never bring a gift with me to the reception; I always have it shipped to the bride's home. It was so much easier for me to have a bunch of the thank you notes done before the ceremony..It was cheating a little, but much simpler! We didn't use anything we were given until after we were married, though!

mary jow

[AngelaM]

Around here its customary to give 2 gifts. The shower gift is usually something more practical (towels, house stuff, etc). The actual wedding gift is generally cash (seems to be most common and preferred) or a an actual gift that is personalized and of more formal/keepsake nature (crystal, fancy photo albums, etc).

[1grl1by]

But wow. Isn't that a lot for the bride and groom to have to carry home. if a lot of people bring their gifts to the wedding?

It's an no-no to bring the wedding gift to the wedding, it should be sent ahead of time to the bride's home. I know people do it, but that doesn't make it right, and it just causes confusion since someone has to be designated to be in charge of the gifts.

Also, having the gifts before the wedding gives the bride and groom a chance to get a jump on the thank you notes.

[Gumbeaux]

It's an no-no to bring the wedding gift to the wedding, it should be sent ahead of time to the bride's home. I know people do it, but that doesn't make it right, and it just causes confusion since someone has to be designated to be in charge of the gifts.

This might be a regional thing. The last four or five weddings I've been to, the bride and groom had a gift table set up for people to set their gifts on.

[Beth]

I've always thought the wedding gift table must be a regional thing. I grew up with the practice that gifts were sent, ahead of time if possible, but most of the weddings I've been to in my adult years have had a table for gifts available. With a wedding of 100-200 guests, you might see 10-20 gifts, so it isn't everyone. Maybe the regional differences are blurring as people move around the country. In recent years, I would say it might be an effort to put money into the gift and not wrapping and shipping charges. Depending on the gift and the store, that can really add up too.

The original question about a shower gift, I have always given a gift if attending, and if a member of the family, you do seem to get invited to multiples. I would not generally invite someone out of state to a shower, and definitely not to multiple showers. In that case, I do agree with the others that sending a shower gift is not required, but as family it is appropriate to send what you would like to give the couple. Letting a hostess know you will send a gift to one but not all may prevent you from getting even more shower invites.

[JenniferJJ]

In recent years, I would say it might be an effort to put money into the gift and not wrapping and shipping charges. Depending on the gift and the store, that can really add up too.

This is why I bring my gifts to the wedding reception. When shipping is $10, it's either bring the gift to the reception or decrease the amount I can spend on a gift. I don't want to do the latter, so...

When the tradition of having the gifts sent aheard of time to the bride's home, did the gift giver actually drop them off themselves? If so, I can see that making sense back in the times when everyone lived close to each other and you probably even knew the bride's parents.

I remember when I went to a wedding in Mexico City. My friend took me to a department store to shop for a gift (off the registry) for my friend who got married and shipping was free (at lease for gifts off the registry, don't know about everything else). So of course, I had it shipped to my friend's house.

[jmarie]

Hijack, but funny story. I have a great-niece who got married a few years back. We paid for her wedding.

At my daughter's shower, three different people approached me with three totally different excuses as to why the mother of the above bride, my niece, wasn't in attendance...All the most lame excuses. She kept saying she was going to send her RSVP card for the wedding, we never received it. She never said she wasn't coming, when we tried to get the final headcount. Of course, she wasn't in attendance at the wedding (nor were the 5 others on her invite), didn't send a card, not even a gift. Now, at the time DD wasn't engaged..And that wasn't the purpose of helping my Great-Niece.
People sure are interesting. I understand her not coming, but that was 6 people we paid for food. Close to 80 dollars.

[BarbaraL]

I think in this situation, the last shower was kind of a last minute idea, so that's why the double invites. She doesn't strike me as a gift grabber.

The showers that I've attended (including my own in the deep, dark past) were a surprise for the bride. Usually the bridesmaids and/or other friends throw a shower (or showers) for the bride; how does this make the bride a gift grabber? If I'd received multiple invites, I'd only attend one, and give one gift.

[Beth]

Families and others who give showers often ask the bride (or mother to be) for a list of people they would like to have invited. A group of co-workers, a club, or other group of friends wouldn't need a list, but either way you can get duplication.